https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 16 Apr 2026 18:06:22 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2083303 Tue, 24 Feb 2015 11:43:12 +0000 ElbieKay 2083303@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: @macintosh: @catomd00: My mom is sort of like this, though not as extreme as what you are describing. Having a baby has really helped because my parents watch him two afternoons per week. So now there is built-in infrastructure for them to help in a meaningful way.</p> <p>But the need to help is so exhausting. I think it's actually a generational thing especially since my mom was a housewife for 15 years. I work full time and would never consider staying home (well, unless I won the lottery). I find her "need to be needed" is very tedious. She's all about unsolicited advice about irrelevant topics. As a result I just withhold information from her, especially before I finalize a decision because I don't want her to think I need her to weigh in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077988 Fri, 20 Feb 2015 00:04:16 +0000 birdofafeather 2077988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mine can be the same way (there's no rhyme or reason to when!) and the last time it happened, I had to put my foot down and call her out while at the same time expressing how thankful I was (truly!). We also realized that we can't have family alone with us for more than 2 nights. Or people start getting antsy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077917 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 22:48:06 +0000 blackbird 2077917@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: thanks! My husband's seen it for 10 years now and is STILL surprised by her often lol! </p> <p>@macintosh: ah that's disturbing! But actually makes sense, too. Well, when and if there comes a time you need a different approach, know that many of us have been there! But next week doesn't sound like that week and I totally hear that! I read a book called trapped in the mirror: adult children of narcissists or something similar... you might find really helpful. It was like reading into my childhood! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077912 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 22:43:17 +0000 macintosh 2077912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: I totally get what you're saying. I'm just not in a position to do that right now. I'll be appeasing away next week!</p> <p>@blackbird: Yep, that all sounds familiar. I definitely need a strategy for not feeding into it when she gets upset about nothing. I'm in counseling as well and this has definitely been a topic of many sessions.</p> <p>It actually feels better knowing I'm not the only person whose mom does this. Get this, my mom is a mental health professional. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077911 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 22:42:11 +0000 catomd00 2077911@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: ugh I know it really is! I'm around if you ever want to chat/vent. It's really hard (I have found) for people who haven't lived it to understand. My husband has seen it first hand for 4 years but it's still hard for him to really get it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077891 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 22:30:41 +0000 blackbird 2077891@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: same. Such a hard dynamic to be in :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077886 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 22:24:11 +0000 catomd00 2077886@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: def sounds narcissistic! My mom is on that spectrum, as is my sister. It's taken me a long time (and therapy) and being around my husbands very notmal family dynamics to realize that the things my mom says and does are not notmal, healthy or anything I have to put up with at the expense of my own happiness. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077883 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 22:21:46 +0000 blackbird 2077883@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: girl, I've seen a therapist for over two years now to deal with this kind of drama and I still don't have all the answers (but my therapist thinks my mom has anxiety issues and is narcissistic, as is my father, so they enable each other heavily). I wish I had a really sound method for dealing with her, but it's a work in progress. I have put up major boundaries and don't cater to it-way easier said than done (and I have a professional coaching me!!!) I can wish you loads of patience, though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077880 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 22:18:19 +0000 catomd00 2077880@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your mom sounds like mine and honestly I'm at a point now (since having my daughter) that I no longer want to enable the unhealthy interactions. If your mom gets offended by things that aren't intended to be offensive or wouldn't offend an average person, it's on her. I recently decided to lay it all out on the table with my mom and tell her I won't stand for it any more and have put some distance between us whol she proves she can change. We will see what happens. I know this isn't the practical advice you were looking for, but still felt the need to share in case you decide in the future that you'd like to change the underlying behavior instead of appeasing it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077876 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 22:09:31 +0000 macintosh 2077876@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: Yes, that's exactly what it's like with my mom. Where does that come from? </p> <p>The other thing is that if I do or say anything that offends her during a moment of stress she turns it into a huge fight. Example: my DH was in the hospital, possibly dying, and I snapped at her when she suggested we go home and come back in the morning. It turned into a huge fight about how I was disrespectful. Ugh! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077848 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 21:51:29 +0000 blackbird 2077848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom is like that and what it boils down to is needing a constant and intense amount of validation. You're the best mom ever, I could never have done this without you, thank you thank you. No criticism, only appreciation in droves. Maybe make a list of compliments and appreciative statements you can check on your phone and give her even when you feel totally tapped out </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077836 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 21:44:00 +0000 Jess1483 2077836@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: Yes, more consultation is probably a better way to put it :) Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077825 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 21:34:41 +0000 macintosh 2077825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Applesandbananas: OMG I love that idea!!!!! My wheels are spinning already :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077815 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 21:29:28 +0000 Applesandbananas 2077815@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Could you make her a super cheesy thank you card from your LO? There are all kinds of photo websites, maybe you could do one with an ultrasound picture? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2077789 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 21:20:04 +0000 macintosh 2077789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jess1483: You're right, I do try hard to show how independent I can be. I don't think she'd want me to feign helplessness, but maybe I can try to be less controlling over things and consult her more. Getting her a thank you gift is a great idea.</p> <p>@regberadaisy: I do love the gift idea, but I can't spend a lot on something like a massage, especially since she helps me financially. I can definitely get her something small and a nice card. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2076993 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 14:13:42 +0000 regberadaisy 2076993@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hm. Remember to say thank you afterwards and definitely give her a gift after each visit! </p> <p>Maybe this coming trip you can schedule a spa day? Prenatal massage for you and a regular for her? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2076977 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 14:10:03 +0000 Jess1483 2076977@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My MIL really needs to feel appreciated. It's not really my style to be overly effusive with gratitude (don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, and I say it, but she needs to hear it much more regularly than I do.) I also think it's instinct for (adult) children to want to show how independent we can be, and so I've found the best strategy is to feign a bit of incompetence (which is really hard for me), and then be overly grateful when she helps me "figure it out." It goes against, well, pretty much all of my instincts, but it makes her feel appreciated if she really feels like she's taught me something and I express gratitude for it.</p> <p>Can you give her a "thank you" gift in advance, too? And then maybe plan a special meal out at the end? Those might be more tangible ways of expressing your gratitude as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-from-family-during-and-after-pregnancy#post-2076955 Thu, 19 Feb 2015 14:03:39 +0000 macintosh 2076955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A couple of recent threads about post-partum help got me thinking. My mom is planning to visit next week to help me get my house in order for the baby's arrival. While I'm excited to see her and happy to have the help, I'm nervous about us getting along.</p> <p>As an adult I've had a strained relationship with my mom. She's amazing and she helps me in so many ways, especially financially, but she tends to be very sensitive. We often get into big arguments that boil done to her thinking I'm not grateful just because I didn't say something the way she would have liked.</p> <p>In any case, I want to prevent arguments and make her feel appreciated when she comes out to help. I'm afraid my hormonal self will screw up and say something rude and make her upset. She's also coming out next month for my baby shower that she is planning, and again when baby is born.</p> <p>Has anyone dealt with this before? Any tips to make sure I express gratitude while she is doing everything to help me? I'm sometimes too task oriented (like during my move) and I need to be more considerate because that's what she needs. </p>