https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 04 May 2026 21:58:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2373370 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 16:09:50 +0000 charlotte 2373370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>These are all great suggestions. </p> <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: extreme is a perfect word! He took it to a new level today when I said I was checking on his baby sister. "I CHECK ON BABY!" lol.</p> <p>@looch: I am totally going to try this and I have already used your phrase multiple times today. That's what he needs to get. He can't ALWAYS get his way. Even if I wanted him to - it's just not always possible.</p> <p> @hilsy85: you're totally right and continuously reminding myself that tantrums are normal and he has big emotions now is so helpful. It's easy to forget and expect great behavior. </p> <p>@Modern Daisy: @daniellemybelle: @catlady: glad I'm not the only one but I feel for you all. It is so so so exhausting and makes going in public feel like such a chore.</p> <p> @T.H.O.U.: @mrsrain: @QueensBee: all great ideas that I'm going to work on. even if this didn't eliminate some other tantrums I know he would really like it.</p> <p>@Bubbles: you're so smart for thinking of this now. I think our main problem is I missed the big "baby to toddler now I need to set limits and be in charge not try to create a perfect world for him" transition. I worked so hard for so long to make him happy and meet every need in infancy that I didn't realize he had grown up and needed me to set some limits. So now he is the king of our castle so to speak and expects us to do everything his way. And he knows if he freaks that we will try to stop the meltdown. </p> <p>I am going to take all of this advice to heart and have a chat with DH to make a plan / be on the same page. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372924 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 11:47:14 +0000 QueensBee 2372924@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Similar suggestion to @mrsrain: </p> <p>Could you give him a "job list"? Print out a chart with a few pictures of jobs that he has- turn off the kitchen light, put away the cutlery from the dishwasher, close the baby gate, and tuck in the kitchen chairs (or whatever). Hang the list on the refrigerator and explain that these are his special helping jobs for the week/month. Always let him do these special jobs. Everything else, you get do. If he throws a tantrum, ride it out. Hopefully he'll learn that he can have some control over his jobs but not over every single thing in the house, all the time! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372823 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 10:39:39 +0000 Bubbles 2372823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am no expert as my LO is only 23mo, but I try not to be too flexible with things like this. I find I get into patches of being too flexible, and it starts to affect his behaviour overall as he feels the need to test all the different situations that he might be able to take control of.<br /> If you remember to have him do the light switch himself, all well and good - as long as it isn't too much of a hassle for you. But if you forget and you've already done it yourself, I would not reverse it just so he can do it again. It's hard because I would think to myself 'does it really matter, I don't mind if he does it again' - but I think the problem is that he reads this as him having total control of the situation, so he needs to keep testing to make sure that he is still in control of the light switch situation. I would keep acknowledging his feelings exactly as you're doing, but try not to give in to the tantrum. :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372822 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 10:38:01 +0000 mrsrain 2372822@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would figure out what items you are okay with him "controlling" (for lack of a better word). Maybe he can always open and close his bedroom door, dress himself, and turn on/off his own light. Everything else is "grownup work" (going off his school wording). If he throws a tantrum just ignore him/ride it out. I think consistency is the key. And once the tantrums have stopped you can use the privilege of helping push buttons, open doors, etc, as a reward for good behavior. "You were ready to go on time today! Would you like to close the door?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372762 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 10:08:36 +0000 catlady 2372762@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are working on this too and it is exhausting. We go back and forth between giving in or ignoring it. This thread is reminding me that we need to be more consistent. @looch: My DD does the same thing, where she has some idea of "rules" that we don't know. I like this idea of messing around with them even more. It would probably drive her crazy but just might work in the long run. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372699 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 09:17:44 +0000 daniellemybelle 2372699@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We struggle with this too. I give in a lot when we are in public because I don't want to deal with a horrible tantrum. :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372684 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 08:51:17 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2372684@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What about giving him his own latch box/board and maybe a single switch for him to do (maybe get a cool light switch plate). And those are his but the rest are for mommies and daddies to do. It would take time to train but he would still get to do it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372639 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 07:55:53 +0000 Modern Daisy 2372639@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son does the same thing and it's exhausting. When it's pouring rain outside and we need to hurry in he is screaming at the top of his lungs kicking and writhing out of my grasp because I won't let him use the key to open our door. I just explain to him once that mommy has to do it because we are in a hurry then I force him inside and ignore him until he calms down. If he won't calm down he gets a time out in his room. But for the most part I try to be flexible and let him push the buttons, open doors etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372635 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 07:47:09 +0000 hilsy85 2372635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@charlotte: I agree with @looch that it's not much different than wanting anything that he can't have, and it leads to a tantrum. Exhausting but I guess tantrums are normal and maybe that's just how he has to work through things at this point in his development. I wouldn't give in too much but I think it's ok to let him do stuff sometimes too when you can. But just stay consistent on when he can't--if it's dangerous or there's not enough time, and expect that he will be inderstandably upset. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372623 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 07:31:26 +0000 looch 2372623@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son is like this, everything is black or white, there are no shades of gray. We used to be unable to play games with him because he did not like it when someone broke his rules, mind you, not the actual rules of the game. </p> <p>So, I deliberately began to stir things up even more. I know it sounds totally wacko, but the long game was to get him to understand that everyone plays differently. So, we're playing trains and he wants them all lined up? I will go and put mine in a pile so I have a teaching momemt with him. It actually worked, and now, he gets it.</p> <p>As for the light switches, etc. we had a similar issue. What I decided to do was simply to say "we can't always do what we want" and leave it at that. The more attention I gave to the situation, the worse it got.</p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372618 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 07:25:40 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2372618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Reading just your title, I immediately thought "well, what's wrong with an independent child? He's capable so let him do his thing." But, reading your post and realizing if he can't do it no one else can without a fight is extreme!! </p> <p>I would let him tantrum and not turn things back on for him. Now, if he turns things back on himself let it go and get out the door! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-fix-this-toddler-wants-independence#post-2372609 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 06:51:12 +0000 charlotte 2372609@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Reading the discipline thread made me want to finally post, though this has been an issue for awhile. My 2.5 year old is OBSESSED with doing everything himself. His shoes a certain way, closing every door or gate (or opening), doing the lights, garage door button, etc etc etc. I give him plenty of time to get ready in the AM but sometimes we slip up and turn on a light or close the refrigerator ourselves (lol, it's like a dictatorship). </p> <p>Him not being the one to do it = epic meltdown, crying, "I'm to do it!!!" (which sounds very cute except for the screaming). At school they tell them "that's teacher work) and he's fine with it / a perfect angel. If I do one light switch he screams and hits. </p> <p>I've tried the Janet Lansbury "i know you are mad because you didn't get to do it that time. Sometimes mommy gets to do too and that's ok". No improvement but that said occasionally we will be like "oh sorry, I'll put it back and you can do it now". So the tantrum is possibly him realizing I'm too flexible and he might get his way after all??</p> <p>This literally makes every day such a struggle. It's so hard to take him anywhere or even play with him because every little thing is an issue or we do it wrong in his eyes. </p> <p>Mrbee posted something in last thread about the problem being the intense desire for something and I get that but don't know how to make the doors and switches and buckles etc less of a big deal. </p> <p>Help! </p>