https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 24 Apr 2026 13:39:35 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-my-4yo-is-aggressive-with-my-17mo#post-2900546 Thu, 24 Oct 2019 19:24:32 +0000 cake2017 2900546@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 2 year old can be negative towards his 2mo old sister. He wants to hit and grab her a lot and has thrown stuff.</p> <p>What seems to be working and improving so far is giving him one on one when I can. Also praising him for good behavior and quickly acknowledging the bad behavior (discipline- take you, time out etc) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-my-4yo-is-aggressive-with-my-17mo#post-2900516 Thu, 24 Oct 2019 14:25:59 +0000 hellobeeboston 2900516@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: ugh, it's so hard! We went through something similar. My son turned 3 a couple weeks after his little brother arrived and it was a challenging time for him for sure!<br /> I'm pretty sure I posted about it at the time, and I was also recommended to Janet Lansbury like @Aria: mentioned above. While I'm not 100% in her camp, her words about the older childs life being completely rocked, and trying to remember that were so helpful while we were in the thick of it. Per her suggestions we made some changes. I made special 1:1 time for me and my older son when he got home from preschool for a while so he wouldn't feel like I had abandoned him for his baby bro.... I do feel like acknowledging his feelings out loud helped, even though it felt weird. And I referred back to her site often when I was frustrated about his behavior. Helped me level set.<br /> Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-my-4yo-is-aggressive-with-my-17mo#post-2900507 Thu, 24 Oct 2019 13:48:53 +0000 Aria 2900507@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: Yeah, the first time I had to restrain her it took like 20 minutes before she calmed down, and it definitely got worse before it got better. She tried to bite me! The second and third times were pretty long too, but once she realized that this was what was going to happen every time, for even a "small" hit, it stopped almost completely. It was the only thing I could do, because in those moments she was so filled with rage she couldn't process anything else, and I wasn't going to let her hurt anyone. Also, I really liked that when I was holding her, she was facing me. And when I could tell she was finally losing steam, it could easily go from me holding her hands to me hugging her, which gave us that connected resolution that we were missing with other things I tried. </p> <p>I think adjusting my mindset was really helpful too. I was spending every day feeling miserable because I wasn't able to keep the outbursts from happening, and she just seemed so unhappy. Instead I had to realize that she wanted and needed to let out those big emotions and I had to help her deal with them, rather than prevent them from happening. I knew as soon as I told her no to something, her response would be to hit me, but I was prepared with what I was going to do, and it really helped me stay calm and focused. It's completely exhausting though to be on guard all day! I hope things ease up soon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-my-4yo-is-aggressive-with-my-17mo#post-2900435 Thu, 24 Oct 2019 07:50:02 +0000 MrsADS 2900435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs. champagne thanks, I will check that IG page out.</p> <p>@aria sounds VERY similar to my son's behavior!! I have tried physically restraining my son and that just makes him ragier. I am going to try to do more one-on-one time with him, more talking about his feelings, and just pray it will get better eventually. I feel like literally every waking moment at my house is hell. he's either screaming at the baby or trying to hurt the baby, OR we are picking him up to move him away from the baby and he's having a huge meltdown because of that. Bleh.</p> <p>Oh, and he is in preschool and he's perfect there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-my-4yo-is-aggressive-with-my-17mo#post-2900323 Tue, 22 Oct 2019 23:09:23 +0000 Aria 2900323@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're in the thick of this right now. Baby is super mobile and requires a lot of supervision and my 4.5 year old is MAD about it. She has been screaming "I don't like you" and "you're a bad baby" in the baby's face constantly. I tried ignoring it, because I knew she was doing it to get a reaction out of me, but she would literally follow me around the house screaming about the baby for hours. When I still ignored it, she started saying more and more horrible things (I hope she dies, I want her to go blind, etc). This was just unacceptable to me, even if I knew she didn't really mean it. Her preschool has two main rules, no hurting other people's bodies, and no hurting other people's feelings. So I instituted the same rules at home since I know she's really good about that at school. When she screams at the baby, I remind her that we are not allowed to hurt feelings. Then I tell her I want to know about her feelings and what is bothering her. If she doesn't offer up anything, I might prompt her and with something like "It seems like you're upset that the baby woke up and now we have to stop our game" or whatever it is. Then once she says what's bothering her I empathize. "Yeah, having a baby sister is hard. You really want to spend time with me alone. I wish I could spend all my time with you too." etc. It's tedious because it's reexplaining all day long, but after a few days of this, I can already see a difference. Still a lot of frustration and jealousy from her, but expressed in a way that is more productive. She gets the attention and connection she's craving better this way. </p> <p>For the physical aggression, she was more directed at me than the baby, but it was so bad (she ripped out a chunk of my hair!). Same as you, she would be absolutely wild and any type of calm down time or ignoring did not work. So I would tell her that if she hits/kicks me again, I would hold her. And then I would physically restrain her (in a special hold so as not to hurt her) until she was calm. The first few times I tried this I made sure to do it when my husband was home because it was intense and that way he could get the baby out of the way. But after doing this a few times, the hitting has almost completely stopped. And if I do have to restrain her, her attempts at resistance are only half hearted. I haven't gotten nearly as injured. I found this article really helpful for what to say while I was holding her and she was losing it. <a href="https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/08/4-year-old-has-emotional-aggressive-responses-to-limits/" rel="nofollow">https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/08/4-year-old-has-emotional-aggressive-responses-to-limits/</a></p> <p>Sorry for the novel, I just know this is so hard! This year has had some of my very worst parenting moments. I hope you find something that works for you. I don't know if your child goes to preschool, but we have a super amazing director who knows my child really well, and she was a great resource for this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-my-4yo-is-aggressive-with-my-17mo#post-2900316 Tue, 22 Oct 2019 21:06:04 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2900316@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So my oldest was (still is sometimes) like this. He is 5 and it started just before he turned 3 when his sister was 6 months. Now we have three kids and he’s the oldest (sister is 3 and baby is 1). </p> <p>The best success is IGNORE that crap behaviour. Praise *every* good behaviour. So even when you’re super pissed because he punched his brother 5 mins before, if he walks by him nicely “wow that was so nice to walk by without hurting your brother!”</p> <p>Follow @simplyonpurpose on Instagram. Watch her stores about JUNK behaviour and ignoring it. It works well, but admittedly is very hard at times. Good luck. It’s so frustrating and has been the main source of my parenting stress for the last 2.5 years. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-my-4yo-is-aggressive-with-my-17mo#post-2900308 Tue, 22 Oct 2019 19:40:13 +0000 pachamama 2900308@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm in the same boat. Halp. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-my-4yo-is-aggressive-with-my-17mo#post-2900306 Tue, 22 Oct 2019 19:36:50 +0000 MrsADS 2900306@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Please help! My 4yo is very aggressive/mean with his 17 mo brother and I don't know what to do. NOTHING we have tried has worked. The aggression, etc. has gotten worse in the last several weeks. </p> <p>The 4yo will throw toys at the baby's head, grab his feet and arms and yank them, hit him, etc. And he will get right in the baby's face and yell "WE DON'T LIKE YOU!" really loudly, take toys away from him constantly, etc. I literally have to follow him around to keep the baby safe.</p> <p>CLEARLY, he has some major jealousy issues. I'm thinking maybe it's worse now because baby brother is in a major clingy phase, and he's jealous seeing baby be held/attended to. So we try to give him LOTS of individual attention, do one-on-one things with him, etc. but really, it's not helping at all. He is better when baby is asleep and it's just him, but obviously most of the time the baby is there!</p> <p>Has anything worked for you in this situation? If he is aggressive with an object (toy) I put it away immediately. If he is acting really wild and out of control, we will put him in his room for 5 minutes to calm down (doesn't help). I feel like more punishment is not going to fix the underlying problem. </p> <p>I am really at my wit's end. I feel like the majority of my interactions with my 4yo are negative (stop doing that, leave him alone, don't talk to him that way, etc). </p> <p>Any ideas?!?!?! </p>