https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 10 May 2026 16:39:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime/page/2#post-2801237 Thu, 01 Feb 2018 08:10:26 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2801237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you all so much for your comments. You all really gave me a lot to think about, particularly about my own leniencies that I really need to be better about. Yesterday we tried putting bathtime in the middle of playtime, so she didn't have to clean up all her toys and things were waiting for her to come back to, and even though she still resisted, it seemed to motivate her to have something to come back to afterwards. We'll keep experimenting. Thank you all again! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime/page/2#post-2801227 Thu, 01 Feb 2018 02:34:03 +0000 Woolly Mammoth 2801227@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would do a bath everyday at the same time. Let her play for good long time in the water so she starts to relax. Then pajamas, then straight into bed.</p> <p>You'll have to insist at first, but once the expectation is set it should get a lot easier.</p> <p>My four year old resists getting in the bath but on most nights just being firm works as long as I have been consistently firm the last few nights. If he's really resisting we remind him that if he delays we won't have enough time to read books before lights out. My husband sometimes gives him the choice between a bath at an earlier time or a shower a little later, but I prefer to keep the negotiation out of it.</p> <p>I've found that consistently doing things the same way each day is the best way to get my four year old to comply. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801134 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 17:29:48 +0000 Pollywog 2801134@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I married into a family of night owls and the dynamic in your house sounds like what was going on at my SILs house. It only got worse as her kids got to school age, so I really encourage you to take proactive steps now. </p> <p>What works with my 2 year old is a very cheap alarm clock, to start the routine early, and be 100% consistent, 100% of the time. We finish dinner then go upstairs to play with quiet toys. When the clock says 7:00 we take off our clothes. He gets a reminder at 6:55, 6:58, and 7. If he doesn't do it by 7:01 I say "okay, mommy is going to help you", I take off his clothes like it is no big deal and say "okay, now it is potty time. Which book do you want to read?". He can go or not go, but I don't open the potty books until he sits. At 7:05 I start the bath. He's expected to be there and get in the bath. If he resists, I put him in. I wash him right away and then he's allowed to play until 7:30 or he can get out sooner and then read. Then we battle over PJs. My approach is he can wiggle and jump and be naked until 7:35. Then I ask him to help me get him dressed. If he resists, I force it. Then we do bedtime routine and lights out by 8. Over time it has gotten so much easier. He respects the alarm and routine. </p> <p>I also believe in body autonomy and not getting into power struggles. I frame it as "bathing is not optional so you don't get sick. . It's time to take off your clothes. If you don't, mommy will help you" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801125 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 16:37:57 +0000 singingbee 2801125@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also, LO does well with two steps......first this, then this. If I listed out what we do the whole evening she would be overwhelmed and meltdown city would happen. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801124 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 16:34:52 +0000 singingbee 2801124@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I don't make my child hug people that she doenst want to, but she has to take a bath. It's a matter of self care. Could she wear a swimsuit? Why doesn't she like taking a bath other than stopping playing? Our LO went through a phase where she was terrified of the bath. We did sink baths and baby wipes, but she needed to do something.</p> <p>ETA: our LO does OT and it has helped with a lot of things like this. Have you ever had an evaluation? Our LO has a lot of sensory issues and sensitivities to things that we don't normally think of. Maybe the water is too loud while running, too hot, or too cold, or too deep? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801114 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 16:04:20 +0000 babybunnylove 2801114@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I feel your pain. My 4.5 year old is having similar issues. My DH works a different shift and we have a 4 month old DS. It all falls on me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801112 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 16:02:30 +0000 MrsBucky 2801112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I really get and honor your desire to model consent. Like others have said, I do think there is a line where it’s appropriate to say “as your parent I have to help you do certain things if you won’t do it yourself, or even if you say no.” For me, that list is: diaper changes, some clothing changes, a reasonable amount of baths, brushing teeth once per day and certain medical procedures. I think your daughter will be smart enough to understand the distinction, especially if you model agency over her own body in other ways (which I’m sure you are!) and if you can believe the distinction yourself. But I don’t think it will work if you are uncomfortable with it, because she will sense that. Anyway, I just wanted to chime in on that point because I definitely have struggled with that concept as well and had to think long and hard about how I handled it with my son. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801109 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 15:51:45 +0000 gotkimchi 2801109@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with the above posters about being tough. I’m all about positive parenting but when t comes down to it my 4yo can’t run the house. So she gets offered choices, if she doesn’t comply then I choose and it happens anyways. Those times are tough but infrequent because she knows I mean business. Unlike her father who she tests a lot more often because he doesn’t like screams and fits. If we’re having a hard time I keep reminding her that this is a learning day and she can make better choices.</p> <p>If firm boundaries don’t work I would second occupational therapy.</p> <p>I agree with “consent” and all of that in theory but when it comes down to it I don’t negotiate with toddlers on non negotiable items because they don’t have the brain development to make those choices. But I also don’t bathe my kids 4x a week or make them wear pajamas etc. so pick your battles but be firm in what you’re deciding the boundary is</p> <p>ETA - is some of this about adjusting your expectations? Like it would be nice if bedtime was peaceful and calm every night and my children accepted it willingly but that’s just not reality so do what you think is best as the adult </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801108 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 15:42:56 +0000 Becky 2801108@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This sounds so tough and I hope it gets easier for you soon. I can’t stay up until 10pm because I have to get up at 5am so I can’t fathom how little sleep you must be getting! My experience with forcing DD1 to do something is that it didn’t take many times. Only one time going into the tub with clothes on (she didn’t have a successful bath that night, but she didn’t resist in the future). Only one time with me brushing her hair as she ran away. Only one time not letting her have a snack after she didn’t finish dinner (she’ll eat her dinner now). PJs were different and because it doesn’t matter what she wears to bed I don’t fight that one because it was completely unsuccessful. She’s allowed to sleep naked, in clothes she wore all day, in PJs—I don’t care as long as she goes to sleep. I have ripped off super dirty clothes (like covered in tuna salad and peanut butter) and didn’t feel that was a violation of privacy because she’s my kid and we’re pretty low-privacy and very comfortable with our bodies at our house (both DDs run around naked as frequently as possible). Since then I’ve decided it’s easier to change the sheets more frequently if I need to. </p> <p>I’m not in your shoes and maybe I’d feel differently if I were, but what would you do if you did shift work and had to be in bed at a certain time, or if you had a few other kids (especially a newborn)? I know that there is no way my parents would ever have put up with this which is sometimes how I have to make myself look at things. Like, is my kid being a kid or am I letting her run the house? I want to be careful saying that because I’m not sure if there are diagnosed behavioral problems and that’s completely different if so. For me it just helps if I put things into perspective (or if my husband puts things into perspective when I’m stressing). I feel like it’s sounds like you guys are at a point where either you need to be more authoritative, or seek out some help whether it is a sleep professional or maybe some therapy for her.</p> <p>Also I just wanted to add has just making her go to bed and ignoring her been a consequence yet? So basically sleep training but for a big kid? It’s heartbreaking and I try not to do it but DD1 will sometimes come out of her room multiple times and there has to be a hard stop. When the kids are being too wild in our family and it gets late they lose stories (I always read at least one, but they get very upset about losing others and it works). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801107 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 15:42:04 +0000 MrsLonghorn 2801107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was going to suggest showering with you - but it sounds like you already do that sometimes. We do that a lot in our house, and then race to see who can get in pj's first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801106 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 15:34:54 +0000 looch 2801106@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: What if she didn't take a bath, went to bed in what she went to school in that day, and in the morning she went to school in those clothes? Would she be okay with it, or do you think at some point, she'd want to bathe and change?</p> <p>When my son didn't want to brush his teeth, I refused to pin him down, because I didn't want him to have bad associations with brushing his teeth. So there were many days he didn't have his teeth brushed. One day, someone told him he had bad breath, and then he wanted to brush. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801099 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 15:18:24 +0000 psw27 2801099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a 3.5 year old with transition issues - he has sensory processing disorder and gets really easily overstimulated and melts down if he isn't ready to transition. He is in occupational therapy to help him, so that is something to think about. It could be more than a "power struggle." (never hurts to get a professional opinion!) </p> <p>We do a lot of timers. LOUD timers on our phones or watches. That when they chime, that's when I mean business. And yes that means that sometimes I have to carry my DS upstairs and into the bathroom even if he isn't ready for bath. But he knows I mean business. </p> <p>I offer him choices - do you want a bath or a shower? Does he want to undress himself or does he want me to help him do it? Does he want to play for 5 minutes and have 3 books or play for 8 minutes and have 2 books? I also bring in pajamas into the bathroom and say do you want these or those? That's it. I try to keep his transitions in a non-visually distracting environment that keep him focused on what is happening next. </p> <p>We also let him choose if he wants a bath right when we get home or if he wants to eat dinner first. The more "choices" I give him, the more he feels in control and doesn't lose his mind. But ultimately, I'm getting what I want. He has to take a bath, put on pajamas, eat dinner, etc. </p> <p>It's not a perfect process, but it is much better than it used to be. We basically just have to be strict and somewhat militant about how things go down - but ultimately it is in his best interest to keep it simple so he knows what to expect and that we aren't playing. I'm sorry you are going through this, it can be super stressful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801098 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 15:13:16 +0000 MamaCate 2801098@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: this sounds really hard. It sounds like you are really trying to be respectful and accommodating to her but it doesn’t seem like this is working. I understand what you are saying about the consent issue but at a certain point there needs to be an end to negotiation. In our house, I give a choice and if the child can’t decide in a reasonable amount of time then mommy chooses or mommy does it.</p> <p>For example:<br /> Me: “It’s tkme to brush your teeth and take a bath! Do you want to take the first turn with the toothbrush or should I?”<br /> Kid: “no I want to play!”<br /> Me; “I know you are having so much fun and you wish you could keep playing. But it is time to say goodnight to the toys and brush your teeth. Who goes first?”<br /> Kid: “nobody”<br /> Me: “okay, you have until I count to 3 to choose, or times up and mommy chooses...1,2,3”<br /> Kid: “noooo I choose”<br /> Me: “sorry you lost the chance to choose. Let’s try again next time”<br /> Then I just brush teeth or throw her in the bath or whatever. It seems harsh but I think at this age there needs to be some balance between her having a say and actually running the show.</p> <p>I also think you got some good advice about eliciting positive rewards for her. We did a behavior/sticker chart for falling asleep by yourself around age 3 and it was great. She helped pick out prizes she really wanted (nail polish and a movie) and we only got stickers for good choices and it was great. Let me know if you would like to chat about how we set it up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801094 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 14:58:24 +0000 Madison43 2801094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man. I understand your consent struggle, but honestly - if my 4.5 knew that there wasn’t a definite end of the line for stalling (i.e. do it, or I’m doing it for you), she’d never stop playing. My kids love bath, and most nights I still have to lock us all in the bathroom so they can’t escape and run around. I don’t rip their clothes off, but if they don’t get underdressed on their own, I definitely help. Think of it this way - if your daughter had a potty accident, you wouldn’t let her sit in soiled pants and undies bc she didn’t want to get undressed right? Consent has to be put in an appropriate context. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801093 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 14:58:12 +0000 avivoca 2801093@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I deal with this on a daily basis. I usually tell my daughter (who is 4.5) that I'm sorry it has to happen this way but if she's not going to willingly get dressed, I'm going to make her get dressed. If we remove a shirt, a shirt immediately goes on, pants, underwear, etc. And I have put her in the bath with her clothes on if she refused to take them off, but that only happened once and now she knows I mean business.</p> <p>She is 4. She cannot give consent for me to dress her/bathe her beyond asking if Daddy can do it rather than me. I will not allow her to dictate whether or not she takes a bath or gets dressed because those are not choices she gets to make. She can choose what she changes in to but she can't choose not to change. I am the parent, and it's my job to set the boundaries. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801090 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 14:46:14 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2801090@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: @Daniellemybelle I hear you, I really do. And I agree, but the dynamic of me stripping clothes off my 4.5 year old who's learning about body boundaries and consent, it bothers me. And I realize it may sound ridiculous, and I would absolutely hold her down for shots or getting her into a car seat (thankfully neither has ever been an issue), but that's why I've really struggled with just forcing her in this case. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801087 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 14:42:36 +0000 daniellemybelle 2801087@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: Agree. Baths, bedtime, etc. are not optional. </p> <p>If she doesn’t want to get in the car for school, what do you do? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801085 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 14:37:02 +0000 Adira 2801085@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: "It has honestly felt like short of picking her up and putting her in the bathtub or forcing her clothes off her, there's literally no other way to get her there"</p> <p>I get that you don't want to physically force her to take a bath, but... I mean... sometimes you just have to, right? I gotta hold my kid down to get his blood drawn or to get vaccines. Sometimes I have to forcibly strap my kid into the car because he's just not having it that day. Sometimes I have to pin the kid down to brush his teeth. These are just non-negotiables that have to happen sometimes, right? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801060 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 13:17:13 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2801060@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: She loses reading time and play time after we're in PJs and has to go right to bed. Which sucks because I don't want her to associate bed with punishment. We've also taken certain toys away, and that's a surefire way to make things even worse. I realize it sounds like we're not being firm, and we have no issue being firm and following through with consequences, I just feel like we haven't found something that actually works as a motivator, positive or negative. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801059 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 13:15:28 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2801059@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@singingbee: I completely agree with you, believe me, that's why I'm really feeling so desperate because I feel like we've tried everything, though we haven't tried the visual chart piece, which I think we'll have to go to next. We've tried baths/wind-down earlier, it doesn't help, she still fights it. We've tried options, early warnings, toys, motivators, punishments, literally nothing has worked. I tend to think a lot about what may be causing the issue, and I can't zero in on it, other than just her not wanting to stop what she's doing. We've played games and videos like Daniel Tiger about doing one last thing, stopping, etc. Nada. It has honestly felt like short of picking her up and putting her in the bathtub or forcing her clothes off her, there's literally no other way to get her there, and I refuse to do that from a consent perspective. I think I'm going to try the sticker chart and see if that helps - it failed epicly when we were potty training, which is why it wasn't my go-to initially, but maybe it'll work for this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801058 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 13:15:26 +0000 kiddosc 2801058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What are the consequences to her pitching fits and not following through on the deals she made? At 4.5 she's old enough to understand that she made a deal and that getting ready for bed is non-negotiable. I use positive reinforcement as much as possible, but in this case, with repeated offenses and you ready to pull your hair out over bedtime, there would be consequences. Loss of story times, or playtime in the shower since that time was wasted on a fit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801052 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 12:47:23 +0000 daniellemybelle 2801052@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@singingbee: +1000 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801046 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 12:27:27 +0000 singingbee 2801046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, I have a night owl kid, I have a kid that likes to call the shots, and I have a kid that needs routines, but also resents them. </p> <p>I would suggest starting way earlier than 8:30. If we want LO calming down by 8:30, then bedtime routine has to start around 7 pm. </p> <p>Have you done a visual schedule and rewards for following it? When LO had a rough time not wanting to do anything, she followed a visual schedule and got stickers for not fussing. So many stickers and then she got to play in the park or something. </p> <p>Have you tried bath earlier? It doesn't Have to be right before bed. That made LO love her pjs because she got to play in them. Or bathe and then put on the outfit for the next day. She slept in New clothes for a while when she wouldn't get up early. </p> <p>Also, we got toys and bath colors to make bath fun. I left her play and then we wash right before we are done. </p> <p>We also just had to be strict with her. There was no way I could let her just have the run of the house for bedtime. So, it sucked for a couple of days, but it was so much better when she got it down and went with the new routine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801041 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 12:02:03 +0000 birdofafeather 2801041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>sorry if this has been said before, but have you asked her what to do to make the compromise. you said you explained the whys and whens, but i've found that age that time when things are totally unreasonable, i can say (and this is totally from how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk) well, what do you think we can do so you get washed up? or what can we do to make getting ready for bed easier? throw out every idea at first and write them down (literally no bad ideas) and then go through them and cross out the ones that don't work: not taking a bath, staying up until midnight, whatever it is and figure out what you can reasonably do. then she's on your side about it all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801034 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 11:23:28 +0000 looch 2801034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I have sung the praises of occupational therapists before, they have a host of tools to get to the root of the problem and fix it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801032 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 11:19:52 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2801032@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I don't doubt that she'll respond better to someone else. When she stays with my mom, for example (a couple times a year, they live a few hours away), this is never an issue. She even told my mom that the water in New Jersey is different (her exact words), so she likes taking baths there. I'm not sure what options we have, tbh. Her response is the same with my husband, and I don't know if we can realistically have someone else show up at our house just to get her to take a bath. I hear you, though... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801030 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 11:16:18 +0000 looch 2801030@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: At this point, I'd enlist the help of a professional. My son, as an example, has issues related to food. When I try to introduce something, even a variation on something he eats, it devolves into vomiting episodes. Now, I am paying $300 a week for a therapist to do it, and guess what, he's giving it 5 stars and chowing down.</p> <p>I wonder if she would take direction from someone else better than you at this point. There's no shame in it, please don't misunderstand. I think there are occasions when kids respond better to someone else, my child is one of those kinds of kids and it's been eye opening. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801029 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 11:14:18 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2801029@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jennlin821: Thank you for all this. Unfortunately mornings aren't an option for us - I leave for work early, and hubby gets ready before she's up so that they can leave pretty quickly after she's up (we live in a crazy commute area, so our morning ramp up time is pretty short). I've definitely let her take showers/baths with me in the evenings so that it feels special, so we may have to go back to that on those days. </p> <p>Our transition routine is exactly as you describe. Because she's got such a huge sense of FOMO, we basically all shut down for the evening together so that she doesn't feel like she's being ousted of having fun while the grownups are still going. Usually one of us plays with her while the other cleans up post dinner, we give her tons of reminders that time is coming to clean up and change, and 95% of the time, it still ends up being a fit once we actually go to turn the lights off. In fact, what I normally use to get her to transition is that we're all tired and ready for bed, so if she wants one of us to lay down with her, we need to also change into PJs now (which hubby and I do as well at the same time), otherwise we're going to fall asleep and she'll be on her own. That then only makes things worse because she feels like she's being left alone. It's a mess. But I do appreciate that we probably should make the push for "home clothes" more often, and to just time her showers/baths around when I shower so that she can get in with me. Thanks for the suggestions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801028 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 11:09:35 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2801028@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: This is definitely a power struggle. We've tried the options approach. What ends up happening is she'll say that she doesn't want to change now, she wants to wait until after dinner, and then after dinner, when we say it's time to change like we agreed, she'll delay, throw a fit, etc. We also do advance warnings, so hey, there's 30 minutes left, 15 minutes left, 5 minutes left, etc., and that doesn't help either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-me-survive-bedtime#post-2801013 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 10:28:52 +0000 jennlin821 2801013@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First of all ::Hugs:: - you've survived a long time with no downtime after the kids go to bed! </p> <p>Here are my few suggestions:</p> <p>1) Could she take a shower with you or your hubby in the morning? It may take away the stress of an evening bath, and to her it will seem grown-up and exciting. Or she may eventually get bored and want to take baths again. </p> <p>2) Change clothes immediately when you get home. Frame it as taking off school clothes and putting on fresh play clothes. (maybe even the next time she needs to size up, buy items that she can sleep in, but are not considered pjs) Then she can go to sleep in those and avoid the fight later. </p> <p>3) Can your whole house make a schedule change, such as at 7:30 we clean up, at 8:00 we play quiet games, 8:30 we read books. And all of you do it? By demonstrating the same thing as adults she won't feel as though she's missing out on anything. With this she'd have to be able to tell time, or you could use a timer or one of those little kid alarm clocks. </p> <p>Whatever you do, I think its basically just some form of sleep training, so stick with it for a month to create new habits! </p> <p>Keep us posted, I'm sure many of us will appreciate progress posts. </p>