https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 30 Jun 2026 03:47:21 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517778 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 21:19:06 +0000 MamaCate 2517778@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds like a lot of this is attention seeking from DS--he sees you giving attention to the baby and wants to get in on it but doesn't quite know how. We are still dealing with this and mine are 4 and almost 9 months.</p> <p>When I feel like I having been saying "no!" "Stop!" And "be gentle" too much I try to focus on positive behavior reinforcement. Like when DS was really little DD was always up in his face and then sad that he looked away because she was over stimulating. So we tried to "catch her being good" and point out how much the baby liked it when she stood a little farther away, for example. I would show her how I can tell he likes it because he is doing whatever (smiling, vocalizing, looking at her, waving arms). Then the next time she got too close I would try to frame it positively--"remember how much DS liked it when you talked farther away? Let's try that!"</p> <p>So it has gotten better but I do think it is a process. We had to address this same issue tonight so it is not going away any time soon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517632 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 19:15:47 +0000 mrsjyw 2517632@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do all of the same things you already do and use distractions as needed. Keeping him occupied with something else that he's totally into like painting or drawing or some other busy activity usually keeps him away long enough for me to get ready or when it is play time together I try to monitor as much as I can, but I also let ds do what he wants as log as its within reason and not causing harm to the baby. I hate saying no and don't do that so much all day long that I def don't want to do it about his interaction w lil bro too. Hugs and commiseration. "This too shall pass?" I hope? :silly:</p> <p>Eta when reasoning w him does work the two I found bat work best for ds is the treat him how you want to be treated and then talking about how big and strong he is. He's usually a pretty careful kid and that seems to work best for him to understand using gentle hands w baby. Aka not grabbing his head while hugging or trying to lie on top of him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517570 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 17:52:59 +0000 gingerbebe 2517570@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One thing that might help is to stress how big and strong DS is compared to the baby and that because of that he has to be extra quiet, gentle, soft-spoken around her because it can scare her how big and strong brother is. Maybe you can use comparisons to big barking dogs or big animals like lions or elephants and how it would be scary if they got right in your face and barked or swiped their big paws at your face, even if they weren't trying to be mean. And positively praise your son while doing this by saying things like "I know you want to play with your sister all the time because you LOVE her so much and mommy is SO proud of what a good big brother you are, but you have to remember that you are the BIG STRONG brother and sometimes you are so big and so loud and so strong that it can be scary for a tiny baby! We have to be gentle to your sister so she isn't afraid of you - you don't want your sister to cry and be afraid of her brother, right?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517552 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 16:55:47 +0000 Mrs. Cheesecake 2517552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are experiencing this right now with DS (3 years) and DD (15 months). DS likes to walk by DD so that he bumps her and she falls. Most of the time it doesn't bug her and she stands back up, but sometimes she will cry. He also likes to roll on top of her, but she does the same to him and it's more like a game to them. My theory is if she isn't crying or complaining I let them be. But if she cries I tend to her first and try to not give him attention. After she calms down, I will then talk to him and say things like "Sister was crying can you do something to make her feel better" or "I think that bump hurt sister. Can you give her a hug?" Most of the time this works and usually, if DS is not tired or hungry, he doesn't mess with DD after. I'm trying to not make him feel bad or guilty for his actions. Instead, I want him to see that his actions can hurt his sister, but he has a chance to do something to make it better.</p> <p>If I think that his actions are more intentional, like DS pushing DD because she is trying to take his toy, I take her out of the situation first then talk to him about his feelings. "You must have been really scared that sister was going to take your toy away." Sometimes he gets it and says yes. Then I'll suggest that he give sister a toy that he is fine with her playing with and since his feeling is addressed he's a lot better at playing with his sister. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517509 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:33:27 +0000 megjay18 2517509@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i should also add that my husband and i are both only children so take anything i say about siblings and sibling relationships as coming from a super novice :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517503 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:24:50 +0000 Silva 2517503@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have nothing helpful to add, and am just reading along for ideas for the future. But can I just say that your son sounds like my f-ing father in law who cannot speak to my 3 year old without screaming in baby talk? And there is nothing I can do about it because he adores her, he's just clueless?<br /> 😡Carry on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517500 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:22:36 +0000 megjay18 2517500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: maybe as long as he's not hurting her, you let him make her cry a few times and then be like "oh no! you made her cry - look how sad she is!" and hopefully that'll help develop empathy or at least cause/effect. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517492 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:17:40 +0000 dagret 2517492@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: YES, to bribes (reinforcing good behavior) this is the only thing that helps to keep DS's hands to himself at daycare. It's a lesser issue at home with his sister. And lots of praise and attention when he is being gentle and kind. </p> <p>Also, this sounds a bit crunchy, but have you tried to attend to your son first sometimes, and vocalize, "Baby, I know you're upset but I'm helping L. now." Because it sounds like he's doing this not to be malicious, but to get attention. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517488 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:11:36 +0000 Mrs. Chocolate 2517488@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If it helps I still have this issue with my oldest and he is 5. I have 2 younger girls (2 and 8 months) and my son has loved each of them since they were born but he is way too into them. He wants to be in their face and touch them and hug them (lay on them) and just bother them basically. I tell him all the time to keep his hands to himself and give them space but he just wants to play with them. He is a bit better with the baby but my 2 year old has dealt with him since birth and I honestly think he annoys her way more than she annoys her. He is always all over her and in her face and I think as much as she likes playing with him she also get irritated he is always right in her face or on top of her. Its definitely difficult. She says no a lot to him these days and shoves him away and we remind him when she says no you have to stop and leave her be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517486 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:07:45 +0000 hilsy85 2517486@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: we tried doing timeouts when DD was first born and they just did not seem to work--he woudl become even more hysterical and they didn't seem to discourage future negative behavior. I have been soooo tempted to use them again thouhg, and I do sometimes threaten them!</p> <p>Just got a great idea from another thread of a "good big sibling" bag where Ds can pick something special when he is being nice with DD. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517480 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:05:57 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2517480@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: "My job as a parent is to keep both of your Healthy and Safe". That is not safe, you need to go to timeout. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517477 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:04:59 +0000 hilsy85 2517477@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: I do try to do that, i.e. when he stuck the fork in her eye, I asked if he thought that was a good idea, and whether he would want me to do it to him. of course he said no. </p> <p>I guess I'm more looking for ways to react when he does these things, that will hopefully discourage them in the future--like a time out, except I don't think timeouts are that effective for DS, AND I feel like I'd be doing them all damn day. Because right now, I just get so angry and end up snapping at him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517468 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:00:42 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2517468@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Two other thoughts.</p> <p>We just had a family rule of "Treat others they way you want to be treated". And so even though its not hurting her, its not something he would want done to him. ETA - We also talk about how baby doesn't have any words. We need to respect when people say "no" or "No thank you" and often those cries are the way the baby says "no" </p> <p>Second, I remembered we talked about bones and skeletons with her. We showed her a skeleton of a hand and all the tiny tiny bones. Then we had to look at the baby's hand and told her all of those same # of bones had to fit in those tiny tiny fingers meaning they were very small and fragile. Dont know why but this seemed to click. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517461 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 14:54:20 +0000 hilsy85 2517461@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@megjay18: @hellobeeboston: @blackbird: ha so it sounds like it is normal...but that doesn't help it be less annoying/frustrating!! :silly: </p> <p>@Anagram: I SAH so it's impossible for me to keep LO1 occupied all the time--plus, he CAN be totally occupied and as soon as the baby needs attention, he zooms over. And I wish I had a way to physically separate them but even putting her in her crib or a high chair won't work--he will climb in or pull on her legs or hands. I do think that maybe I just need to chill out and accept that if she's not in DANGER it's ok if she cries, but it just seems so unfair since she's really not even doing anything at all to instigate (i.e. getting into his toys). </p> <p>@T.H.O.U.: yeah we are all home together so it's a lot of time all together and I"m sure that compounds the issue.</p> <p>@Truth Bombs: yep we say all these things on repeat. None of it seems to help!! So frustrating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517398 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 13:59:30 +0000 blackbird 2517398@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>T is almost a year old and E still does this to him. It's been an issue for awhile. It's a new stage every time you turn a corner--now he's walking and she wants to "help" (and by help, i mean NOT HELP). I still ask her to leave him alone a lot </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517395 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 13:59:02 +0000 Anagram 2517395@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This happens in our house too, and I try to strike a balance between keeping the older one totally occupied at all times, keeping them separated physically (like LO2 up high in a high chair while I cook), and just letting some things happen. n LO2 gets pushed down or backwards a lot and cries, but as long as it's too bad, I'm pretty laid back about it.</p> <p>I don't think kids can empathize until they are much older, so you just have to run interference a lot. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517390 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 13:56:16 +0000 hellobeeboston 2517390@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: OMG, I could have written this. LO is SO INTO the baby its CONSTANT, he's always right in his face, and not necessarily hurting but just all up in his biz all the time.... going to follow to see what others say to help! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517347 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 13:32:25 +0000 megjay18 2517347@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>my kids are 3.5 and 11 months. my son (3.5 yo) is all over my daughter ALL. THE. TIME. he tackles her. pulls on her arms, talks loudly in her face, etc. I used to tell him to stop but then it turns out she likes it? everything he does makes her laugh...seriously, even pushing her over. i don't get it.</p> <p>after writing that, i realize it's not helpful at all.. maybe you can just show him what good interaction is? like "hey instead of poking her with a fork, why don't you rub her arm?" or "instead of yelling in her face, why won't you sing her a song from an appropriate distance?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517285 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 12:58:12 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2517285@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm, our kids were the same gap and we didn't have a lot of these issues but she was in daycare FT. We just explained about baby's eyes can't see up close and she had to stay back (we kinda demonstrated in her face) . </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517198 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 12:02:56 +0000 Truth Bombs 2517198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a bit of this too. My 3 year old has never actually hurt the baby, and really doesn't even make him cry, but she's always RIGHT in his face talking SO loudly in baby talk. I know she just loves him but man, give the kid some breathing room. I hate always telling her no because I don't want her to have negative feelings about interacting with her baby brother..... but I try to remind her to think about how she wants her friends to play with HER. She doesn't like when people get in her face, or touch her when she doesn't want to be touched, so I just try to focus on "treat others how you like to be treated". And I will also say to her "honey, mama doesn't like having to tell you 'no' and I'm so happy you love your baby brother and want to play with him, but I need you to listen when I ask you to give him some space so he doesn't get hurt or upset", to try to soften the blow of telling her not to do something, and to make sure she doesn't think she's not allowed to play with him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-older-lo-constantly-botheringhurting-younger-lo#post-2517175 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 11:48:55 +0000 hilsy85 2517175@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OMG I am going insane with this issue!! DS is 3.5 and DD is almost 6 months. He is generally very good with her i.e. very loving, wants to include her in things, etc. However, he is almost TOO into her--he is CONSTANTLY touching her, on top of her, bothering her, etc. </p> <p>For example: I Am playing on the floor with him while she is on her mat, I lean over to smile at her and make a funny face and he immediately jumps up from what he is doing and shoves his face in hers and starts screeching in baby talk to her. SHe gets upset and starts to fuss/cry. </p> <p>Or: She is in her bouncer while I am getting Ds' lunch ready. He is holding a kids' fork and walks over and tries to stick it in her eye--not maliciously, more like "Hmm wonder what will happen if I do this?"</p> <p>Or: She is on her activity mat and he starts to get in her face. I move her to my bed so I can finish getting dressed--DS is occupied playing. I turn around and he's on my bed putting the blanket over her face. I take her and put her in her crib and tell him not to go in there. I try to go finish getting ready and she starts to cry--he reached through the crib and pulled her finger. </p> <p>In all of these, he seems sorry after the fact that she is upset, and he apologizes. We have talked endlessly about hands staying on our own body and giving her space. Yet nothing seems to sink in, and in the meantime I feel like I am constantly saying, "leave her alone" "give her space' "don't touch her" "stop it"--I don't want it to all be so negative because it puts all of us in a bad mood. Any suggestions?? </p>