https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 23 May 2026 19:54:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2456220 Wed, 10 Feb 2016 08:07:05 +0000 bushelandapeck 2456220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>PP's have mentioned having her shadow you at home and I think that's a good idea. We had a similar issue with our new nanny being too lenient with our son and he was literally running all over her. I paid her to come and observe for a few hours on a day she doesn't usually come, and then we talked a lot about what I was doing and why DS needs more firm limit setting than what she was doing before. Since then, it's gone much better. She and I still check in a lot about how things are going and I try to give her suggestions about other things to try. I also praise DS as much as possible when I get a good report from her at the end of the day. That said, I did let our previous nanny go because of similar issues as she just wasn't willing/able to follow through with my suggestions and DS was really acting out because of it. In that case, it just wasn't a good fit for our family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2456173 Wed, 10 Feb 2016 06:50:14 +0000 Orchid 2456173@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Could you replace her? It seems like she's not capable right now. I don't think it's good for children to be in her care long-term, unless she suddenly improves. She does sound sweet and loving, which is critical in a nanny, but not being able to exercise control is a major issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2456117 Wed, 10 Feb 2016 00:42:25 +0000 matador84 2456117@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Could she take away every toy they misuse? Put it on a shelf or something and then when you guys get home for every toy that's up there then you issue a more severe consequence?</p> <p>or, this might seem weird, but do you think she would be open to videoing herself using her phone or face timing you while trying to discipline them if they aren't listening?</p> <p>How old is she? Honestly, even some of my favorite people who I love watching my kids just aren't cut out for disciplining because they don't have a backbone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2456077 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 23:25:14 +0000 Mrs. Blue 2456077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoyfulKiwi: Yes to all of this! This basically the conversation we had today. One of my best friends who is an amazing mom also volunteered to let her bring the kids to her house for a day so she can help model some of this stuff and maybe give her some confidence. At the end of the day, though, I'm just not sure she can be tough enough consistently to dig her way out of this situation. I'll see how she applies what we talked about and if she's willing to go to my friend's got the day, and evaluate from there what we need to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2456054 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 22:48:24 +0000 MRSJX3 2456054@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Blue: is it possible you can scare them into listening to her? Maybe be there (but they think you aren't) and when they start acting out, you come out with your best mom face and let them have consequences from you. Maybe that would help them see the nanny as an extension of you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455869 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 19:45:19 +0000 Mrs. Blue 2455869@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Yeah. I kind of have, but I reiterated it this afternoon. I told her to put them in different rooms, but she said she cannot get them to stay in there. After talking to her tonight, I'm thinking we may just have to make other arrangements. I'm not sure she can get control back at this point. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455820 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 19:15:09 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2455820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you recommended her reading No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury? The cool confidence she recommends might help her to feel more in charge. You can't "ask" a 2/3 year old to do something. Poor girl :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455814 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 19:11:00 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2455814@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Blue: I recently trained an assistant in my preschool classroom, who sounds a lot like your nanny (sweet, loves kids, but inexperienced &amp; lacks confidence in discipline). It took her a while to get the hang of it. My assistant would say things like the kids "won't" do things or she "can't" get them to listen or they run away. I would be pretty blunt that she is the 21 year old adult and they are the 3 &amp; 4 year old children, so it's her responsiblity to make them listen - there is no can't or won't or running (for cripe's sake - an adult can outrun a child any time! Pick a kid up and take them off the couch if they jump - they are little!) From your post, it sounds like that's an issue for her and now the kids: they don't respect her as an authority figure. She needs to know that gaining that respect back means she will have to work twice as hard to be consistent with her consequences. </p> <p>I also had the benefit of modeling for her and giving immediate feedback &amp; maybe that's a possibility for you to do sometimes? I also agree with a PP that having a quick discussion daily of what went well &amp; what was difficult so you can give her tips would help. But the bottom line with kids is that you have to mean what you say. She needs to say "I will not let you jump on the couch." And then she can NOT physically allow them to jump on the couch, even if it means they throw a tantrum (which, of course they will). Plus, not respecting the adult in charge as an authority means kids may get into unsafe situations, like running out into the street on a walk. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455606 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 16:05:17 +0000 kiddosc 2455606@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Blue: I struggle with this with my own son. He won't sit timeout for me, but will for DH. I used to be able to gently restrain him and he would relent after a minute or so and sit his timeout, but that doesn't work for me anymore and I've had to switch to putting him in his room for timeout. Can you talk to her about a) what amount of restraint you are ok with, if any or b) an alternative timeout spot, like a room where the door can be closed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455596 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 16:01:57 +0000 jedeve 2455596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is there a time you can be there but let her be in charge? They might see if you are willing to cede her authority, they need to listen to her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455592 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 15:59:50 +0000 Mrs. Blue 2455592@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Greentea: I've kind of done that. She can't even get them to timeout. She says they just run away from her. I've told her that if she has to stand right there and make them sit, that's fine, but she says they just laugh at her and run away. I'm not sure how to get her to be able to actually make them suffer the consequences. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455537 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 15:32:13 +0000 Greentea 2455537@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What about specific guidelines for nanny? "We don't want them to throw toys, if they do, say, 'if you throw a toy again you have a 10 minute timeout.'" (Or whatever it is you want her to do.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455535 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 15:30:18 +0000 DesertDreams88 2455535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A couple of thoughts that come to mind, as a teacher and a former daycare worker:</p> <p>- Sometimes it's hard to give consequences bc you think you're being "mean." However, that's totally not the case. You are teaching them right from wrong, respect, and structure. Kids need clear communication and expectations in order to do and feel their best. Perhaps having a conversation with her towards those ends would help shift her mindset?</p> <p>- If she is not actually giving the consequences, help her analyze what is holding her back. For example, I had trouble sending my students to a "buddy classroom" because the initial process (phone call &amp; filling out a form) took too long while teaching. So I programmed the phone numbers of the classrooms into my speed dial and photocopied a semi-complete form. Maybe she needs multiple time-out spots (like 1st floor &amp; 2nd floor), or a couple of kitchen timers, a "time out toy" box up high where the twins can't reach, etc.</p> <p>- This would be more of a burden on you, but at the end of every day where you check in, perhaps she could tell you about a time that day where she felt her discipline was most effective and why. I believe strongly in the power of reflection to prompt and guide future actions. </p> <p>Hopefully if she tries these things out, she &amp; the twins will see how much better life is when there is clear expectations and results! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455525 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 15:26:36 +0000 Cole 2455525@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you send her a book or a few articles? The book 123 Magic is good, it's a quick read and the techniques are pretty basic and effective. </p> <p>I can't remember how old your boys are but it might be worth you and the nanny having a chat with them and telling them that you are on the same team and will both be keeping each other in the loop about the boys behavior. Make a point of mentioning to each other both the good and the not so good parts of what happened while the other one was gone in front of them. </p> <p>I always went with the rule that if I am taking a toy away and they interfere with the process another one goes too. They are certainly allowed to be upset but acting out further has consequences too. You should make sure that the nanny is the one to get the toy out of toy time out and not you guys so they know the decision is hers- even if it comes down to a fake phone call on her off hours. I used to have it be put away for either a set amount of time or they could earn it back by behaving through something coming up or by doing something kind, usually related to the infraction that caused the toy loss.</p> <p>Hopefully she can figure it out, once she buckles down on it they will push boundaries even more and it will take a few days for them to settle it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455480 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 15:09:24 +0000 Adira 2455480@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you know if she follows your suggestions (using timeout, taking toys away)?</p> <p>My mom once told me about how my brother used to be a little terror and it was hard for her to keep him in line, but then she realized "You know what? I'm bigger than you and you can't push me around unless I let you!" and she started being more assertive and it really helped.</p> <p>Maybe you need to give her permission to use "force" if necessary? For example, we've had to manhandle Xander into a timeout chair and then hold him there or put him back in it (and when they are fighting you, that can seem kind of harsh). Maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable being that physical with them because they aren't her kids? But I think sometimes, especially with rowdy kids, you just have to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-our-nanny-is-struggling-how-to-help#post-2455473 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 15:04:27 +0000 Mrs. Blue 2455473@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a nanny three days a week while I work. She's very sweet and young and has never nannies for kids this young, but she's so nice and fun. Here's the issue:! She has zero control over our twins--like none. Today she sent me a message that she couldn't get them to stop jumping on the beds or throwing their toys, that they laughed at her when she tries to be stern, and that they throw a fit when she tries to take things away. I've told her to use timeout, take away toys, etc. if they are being naughty with them, and made a color chart that they get a sticker at the end of the day if they are on green. I'm really struggling with how to help her get control. When we are home, they are naughty sometimes, but they're usually pretty easy to handle because they already know that we mean what we say, won't put up with it, etc. how do you teach someone to effectively discipline? What strategies can I tell her to try? I feel terrible that they are giving her such a hard time. </p>