https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 10 May 2026 01:09:08 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903390 Sat, 23 Nov 2019 14:42:37 +0000 skiierchck99 2903390@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our attorney actually advised us not to say anything to anyone about guardianship because it can start conflict. He basically said if you’re picking someone you feel like you would have to ask, it’s the wrong person. We have my brother because our insurance would provide for them financially and he is responsible and has a strong bond with her - and he should be expected to live long enough to see her to adulthood, which is not something I can say I necessarily expect for parents. Like others, we also plan to evaluate at least every 5 years. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903387 Sat, 23 Nov 2019 14:10:18 +0000 Purpledaisy 2903387@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: I wouldn’t tell her either. We kicked off my brother in law from being our secondary guardian and we haven’t told him. </p> <p>I would write her a letter explaining your choice that would be given to her in the unlikely chance that something does happen. That way she’s not left with questioning your choice forever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903379 Sat, 23 Nov 2019 08:52:05 +0000 winter_wonder 2903379@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Emotional stability over financial stability for us. We recently switched the guardians.</p> <p>I think it's important to ask/tell the guardians if possible, to make sure they are willing/ok with decision. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903357 Fri, 22 Nov 2019 20:25:44 +0000 gotkimchi 2903357@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: @LadyDi: I agree! I was also going to say i just wouldn’t tell. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903356 Fri, 22 Nov 2019 20:25:02 +0000 SweetCaroline 2903356@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: we both have siblings but we chose family friends who have kids and whose values align very closely to ours. We told both sets of parents but decided it was not necessary to tell our siblings. Ideally we will write a letter to save with our will, explaining our choice and also our desire for our children to maintain a relationship with our siblings and parents.</p> <p>If it were me, i would tell my mom. If something ever did happen, I wouldn't want her to be surprised and have to grief that part too. I would want her to already know so that she is better equipped to support my children in their grief. Everyone is different, I like to overprepare to ease my anxiety :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903355 Fri, 22 Nov 2019 20:24:50 +0000 bhbee 2903355@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LadyDi: @Foodnerd81: same ... my mom is first and we did not discuss it with my ILs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903354 Fri, 22 Nov 2019 19:52:46 +0000 LadyDi 2903354@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Same as @Foodnerd81: I wouldn’t tell your mom. My parents are #2 in our will and they don’t know that. DH’s parents would be our kids’ guardian. Maybe not the most mature thing but it was a conversation I really didn’t want to have with my parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903346 Fri, 22 Nov 2019 18:37:04 +0000 Foodnerd81 2903346@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: so... I wouldn’t tell your mom. What’s the point? You probably aren’t going to die young. If you had some terrible illness that would be different but for now I just would tell the actual guardians and not mention it to anyone else. </p> <p>We had a really hard time choosing too- and that’s one of the reasons we didn’t put together a will until this year, and I have a 6 year old! We actually switched who i would have said a couple years ago. And I don’t feel great about our guardians because no one would be as good as us of course! So just going to do my best to stay alive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2903291 Fri, 22 Nov 2019 13:40:04 +0000 Ajsmommy 2903291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So after 8 months tomorrow is our appt with our atty to set this stuff in stone. I had to come back and read through everyone's responses to help me decide on this whole guardianship deal. It's still feeling too hard... but I think i will agree to go with my IL's as first option, maybe my mom as second and one of DH's siblings as 3rd option for now. </p> <p>I'm hoping that maybe in the future we will be able to switch it to family friends or maybe one of DH's sisters will get married and have kids.</p> <p>Now the hard part will be telling my mom she's not the #1... any suggestions on that? Maybe i better start a new post :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2806007 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 07:30:02 +0000 MrsBucky 2806007@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: our attorney (found through my works legal benefit) had a workbook he sent us before hand, and then we met, went through it and he raised some options around certain things, explained the pros and cons, and let us choose. Some choices cost more (more paperwork, more complicated legal stuff, etc) and he shared that reality with us as well to take into account when choosing. Then we met again to review the document once it was completed and sign it. Then we had some homework afterwords to ensure that all our assets were assigned to our living trust, so they would skip probate in the event of our death. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2806001 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 02:45:51 +0000 JCCovi 2806001@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We chose my parents as guardians and my brother and his wife as secondary and we spoke to them about it. We also have a kind of complicated algorithm in there about how that assumes they are a couple and what happens if they have split or one has pasted away. So it bypasses my parents if they are not a couple. We also were advised to have 3 options and we put my Aunt and Uncle as the third but didn’t talk to them about it, we figured the chance is so minuscule. Our plan is to reevaluate every few years. </p> <p>We think our assets plus life insurance would be enough to support the kids through college and keep their guardians comfortable. We’ll have to re-evaluate that periodically as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805762 Fri, 23 Feb 2018 10:08:00 +0000 Ajsmommy 2805762@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cake2017: my work offers an attorney to do all of it. We plan to set up a meeting to go over everything and get it all worked out. I am sure there will be many more questions to come up as we do it, that is why we are trying to go in with some idea of what we want to do. we are also hopeful that the attorney will give some direction and advice if needed... as we go </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805736 Fri, 23 Feb 2018 06:47:37 +0000 cake2017 2805736@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Who is the best person to draft the will and guardianship? Also, does that include finances, wishes for the child? I’m sorry for the questions. DH and I need to do this asap... I just don’t know where to start. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805705 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 20:46:58 +0000 lady baltimore 2805705@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We picked the people who will best be able to keep LO's life as routine as possible. They are in her life nearly daily now, know her routines, and are the people she is most comfortable with, next to DH and me. They also have the finances and flexibility to be able to travel with LO so that she can stay in contact with the other side of her family. These are the factors we considered, and we are lucky that they all led us to one set of guardians.</p> <p>As others have said, we will re-evaluate in a few years and make sure that our decision holds. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805681 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 17:09:54 +0000 Purpledaisy 2805681@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jennlin821: we definitely discussed our guardianship choices. I asked my dad because I wanted to make sure that he would be up to the huge life style change it would be for him. We told DH's brother because we wanted to make sure he would want to do it and make sure that he knew that finances would be covered. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805678 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 17:05:58 +0000 Purpledaisy 2805678@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We picked my dad. He's young enough (48 years old), I trust him, and he's at a place in life to be able to do it and want to do it. He loves the kids and has a close relationship with them. </p> <p>Our second choice is DH's brother with my grandma having control over our finances and assets. He's divorced and has one child the same age as our oldest. I really would not want the kids going to him as he's going through an emotionally hard time in his life and I do not necessarily like his parenting style. However, I trust him and know that he would take good care of the kids. </p> <p>Before our first was born, we originally chose DH's brother and his (now ex) wife. It made sense because they were in the same stage of life and we thought it would be easiest on them to take in another child. BUT once we saw them become parents we disagree with a lot of their parenting style and they don't seem very happy to be parents in general. I don't want my kids feeling like a burden. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805650 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:28:05 +0000 Eko 2805650@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jennlin821: I asked the people we chose as guardians. The only person we told who we picked was my MIL, who I knew would understand. I think most people in my family will not understand my decision and I do not want to create drama for what is likely a non issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805642 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 14:57:30 +0000 catgirl 2805642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jennlin821: we absolutely discussed with our top choice - it didn't seem fair to pick someone without asking. It's a huge thing. We wanted to make sure they knew why we were picking them, how we hoped they would handle the situation, how our finances were set up, etc. </p> <p>We have not discussed with the all of people we did not choose. I understand the fear of someone being disappointed in the future but I would avoid unnecessary drama in the present. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805639 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 14:47:34 +0000 jennlin821 2805639@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Following on this thread, DD is 14mo old and we haven't really settled on it. </p> <p>My question is did you discuss this with the people that you chose as guardians? I think my mom assumes she would be the default guardian if anything would happen - and my parents are a great option, but I also have a SIL with kids of similar age, so that would be a great option too.<br /> I wouldn't want my SIL/family to be surprised and I wouldn't want my mom to be disappointed at 'the reading of the will' so to speak. But I also don't really want to have a conversation and open it up to discussion within the family. </p> <p>So what did everyone else do? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians/page/2#post-2805621 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 13:11:00 +0000 Eko 2805621@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We chose DHs cousin. They have three older girls (10 &amp; 8) and similar parenting style to us. They do not have the finances so we made sure to have a good life insurance plan. Besides being good parents, the main reason we chose them is because I wanted to be sure that my kids maintained relationships with everyone in the family. My parents are divorced and do not like each other. Any person I would consider to be a guardian I knew would make it difficult for other family to see them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805601 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 11:42:59 +0000 codeitall 2805601@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are both the oldest kids, so our parents are a little younger than some of you, but we ended up choosing my parents instead of my in-laws because we prefer my parents' parenting style, faith, and interactions with the kids (the in-laws literally cannot play with the kids more than 5 minutes before pulling up a screen). Another negative with my in-laws was their health and lifestyle makes me unsure they'll last till the kids are independent.</p> <p>Our backup is DH's sister. She lives close and my kids know her and their one child. Getting two additional kids would basically wreck their plans, but we don't anticipate my parents saying no.</p> <p>Third choice is my single brother who's about to graduate college. The kids love him and I'd be shocked if it came down to him.</p> <p>Our kids are so young, we really wanted to prioritize a familiar environment and someone with energy to parent closely to how we would. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805588 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 10:47:19 +0000 smuckers 2805588@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We ended up picking my brother and his wife, mostly because my dad and his side of the family live across the country from us. It made the most sense for us to ask someone who already engages with my west-coast family regularly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805574 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 10:10:35 +0000 MrsADS 2805574@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no idea :crying: In laws and my mom is out because of age/family situation. I have one sister but she's single and not a kid person at all. My husband has brothers and sisters with kids but they live on the other side of the country. His one brother and SIL have put us in their will if something happens to them - they have one son who is 12, so I feel like they are in a different place in life than we are (a 2.5yo and new baby on the way). Plus I can't imagine my little kids moving across the country. Ugggh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805564 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 09:45:46 +0000 Ajsmommy 2805564@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you everyone for your advice. I am still torn but think ultimately it's that I don't want to think of anyone other than myself raising my babies. </p> <p>I think it will come down to my mom vs my IL's. My argument would be that my mom is already retired and she could literally move into our home and live with the kids and maintain their lives. Yes she has meager finances but we have everything set up so that our kids will be financially taken care of so that wouldn't be an issue. </p> <p>The argument for IL's would be that they are a married unit, so both female/male influences... however, they both still work and I doubt they'd move into our home which means my kids would have to move to their house/change schools/friends etc.. not the end of the world but also not perfect. They are slightly younger than my mom.. and if one passed there would still be the other.</p> <p>I really wish one of our siblings was more "qualified".</p> <p>And I do like the idea of naming friends with kids but as of now I don't think we have any that we are close enough to whom parent like we do. We are way more conservative than most of our friends. </p> <p>I also think the idea of reevaluating every few years is KEY. As I think things will change and could possibly change drastically.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805542 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 08:37:58 +0000 Alba4 2805542@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It’s so hard. </p> <p>We ended up choosing my older brother and my SIL. We strongly believe in having our boys stay with family. They already have kids and would be able to take our boys in. I imagine they would have to completely change their lives since they live in Brooklyn, but they were our best choice. </p> <p>We ruled out our parents because they are all in their upper 60s and we didn’t feel like they would be up to the task. My DH’s sister is kind of flighty. She is getting married this year, but we don’t feel like she is responsible to deal with the task of raising 2 boys. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805535 Thu, 22 Feb 2018 07:36:15 +0000 MrsBucky 2805535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The lawyer who helped us with our will had us create a list of no fewer than three options, as a will is not binding- designated individuals can refuse, so it’s important to have opinions. Our first choice is my younger BIL. As also mentioned above, we were counseled not to name his wife for the reasons stated above, although they as a package are why they are a first choice. Interestingly, they are also named guardians for her sister’s son who is 6 months younger than our son. They currently have no children but hope to have children in the future. Will they do everything as we would? No. Will they love him and do their best by him? Yes. That’s all I can ask if God forbid both my husband and I die. If your standard is the perfect choice, you’ll be paralyzed. Choose the best option you have and know it’s better for you to choose than to leave it up to the state. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805513 Wed, 21 Feb 2018 21:53:19 +0000 Pollywog 2805513@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We were lucky to have a lot of options and to have enough in life insurance to cover the costs of raising the kids. Our decision tree was 1) do they have enough energy to raise young kids? Our parents don't. 2) would the dog be welcome? (seriously a major deal breaker. Two siblings are out for this) 3) would they make sure the other family was involved? </p> <p>We were left with my sister and DH's brother and sister. We knew my sister would uproot her life to move into our house, while my in-laws have their own lives. Ultimately, I told her it is her job to make the decision and if she can't do it, then the kids go to my BIL whose kids are the same age. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805507 Wed, 21 Feb 2018 21:47:33 +0000 WinterBee 2805507@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We picked my husbands parents.<br /> They are stable, have silimar views as us and love our DD so much. They’re great with her and she loves them too.<br /> Also, they live close so our daughter would still attend the same school/be around the same people. Having that consistency was important to us.<br /> As others have mentioned, they are getting older, so we plan to reassess in a few years.<br /> So far our ‘back up’ is her godparents, who are friends of my husbands (also with me now) of 20+ years. They also spend a lot of time with DD and we feel comfortable that they would raise her similar to how we would. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805489 Wed, 21 Feb 2018 21:00:04 +0000 wrkbrk 2805489@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We chose a cousin and her husband. Thy are the most like us world view wise, religions wise, education wise, and child rearing wise. We have arranged for life insurance to help cover costs. And of course we asked them! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-pick-guardians#post-2805488 Wed, 21 Feb 2018 20:57:55 +0000 LCTBQE 2805488@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wanted to bring to everyone's attention that @bhbee: has a very cogent point that no one is talking about: our close friend is an estate planner and when I was pregnant and we were just chatting about this, he *strenuously* advised us to choose my brother in the legal document, NOT my brother and his wife. We love my SIL, she is wonderful, I trust her completely and they have a super solid marriage, but per our friend, the point is that anything can happen to anyone's marriage, and basically should they ever get divorced and then we forget to update our own documents and the worst should happen, it's a legal mess to sort out who our kids would go to. Or, god forbid should my brother die, maybe we don't want to choose our SIL anymore and we'd want them going to someone else in the family. Something to consider. </p>