https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 24 May 2026 02:58:39 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2466037 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 11:54:29 +0000 gingerbebe 2466037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think what your midwife said was BS. I think your birthplan is outlining what kind of treatment you expect to receive and that is being empowered. But if your language in the birth plan pisses her off so much, then start each sentence with "I will demand that the midwives....(insert whatever)," "I will require (blank)," etc. Make it more active tone - eye roll. </p> <p>Frankly, if that is the way they are going to treat you now, I would definitely just be ready to be *that* lady in the ward when you arrive. I have no idea what its like to give birth in the UK, but I had a failed induction that turned into an emergency C-section after 36 hours. I had a birth plan that was respected and even though things progressed in ways I hadn't expected, I went in with a very open mind, nothing was super rushed, and I felt in control and informed during the labor and delivery process. </p> <p>HOWEVER, things sorta derailed once I got to the mother-baby ward. I guess I didn't realize I'd have to plan for the recovery as well and I felt totally out of control. I gave birth in a baby-friendly hospital, my milk didn't come in for a week, my son had jaundice and so the NICU nurses (who advocated formula to help his jaundice) were fighting with the maternity ward nurses (who are LCs and believe in EBFing) and I was trapped in the middle with a screaming baby going on a week with no sleep. Someone was in and out of my room every 15 minutes, my son was screaming bloody murder nonstop while rooming in with us, and the birth certificate clerk (a man) kept barging into our room every 5 seconds asking if we'd decided on a name yet while I was trying to learn to breastfeed. It was to the point my husband had to physically block the doorway and belly bump the guy out of our room like a bouncer. At some point I went into the shower and started bawling and lost it and I had to call a meeting with the head charge nurse to tell her how I was having a completely awful time. </p> <p>After that meeting, basically no one was allowed to come into my room without clearing it with my shift nurse. Like, they put a sign on my door that required visitors to page my nurse. No cleaning people, no food service people, no birth certificate clerks, nada. My shift nurse came in to take my vitals, give me my pain meds, and to introduce the next shift nurse before she left. After that, it was a much smoother experience.</p> <p>I'm due with LO2 in May and based on our earlier experience, I will be adding a lot more detail to my birth plan with regards to recovery. And DH and I are going to request to speak to the head nurse and my shift nurse as soon as we arrive in recovery and request the same treatment as last time. We are determined to have a name ready before we go into the hospital (we HAD a name last time, we just couldn't settle on a middle name!) My husband says he is walking into the hospital with formula nursettes in his bag and will feed the baby formula himself if our baby ends up with jaundice again.</p> <p>My husband is a strong advocate for me and he did awesome during our first birth. But our experience has taught us both we need to be just as prepared for the recovery portion of our hospital stay, so we're just going in knowing what our demands are in regards to that and be more aggressive this time. </p> <p>You got this mama! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465948 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 11:20:10 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2465948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Good! My DH did the same for me. Towards the end of labor, I knew I had a fever. I told the nurse, and she brushed me off saying I was just hot from pushing. I told DH again, and he made them check my temperature. Sure enough, I had a 103 fever which meant C-section. LO had a fever too and he spent 2 days in the NICU. Don't tell me I don't know my body! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465920 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 11:09:18 +0000 erinbaderin 2465920@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't know how to do this exactly, but remember that while it might not seem that way, you are the one who is in control and who, for the most part, has the final say. </p> <p>I recently had an experience where an OB sent me to Labour &amp; Delivery and I got caught up in "the process" - first fetal monitoring, then sent for an ultrasound that I was originally told was unnecessary, then back to fetal monitoring, then they said that everything was fine but I couldn't leave until an OB cleared me -and I was getting very upset and very stressed and then I realized that really, I was in charge and I didn't HAVE to do any of this stuff. So I told them I appreciated everything they'd done, and I left. And I felt SO GOOD about standing up for myself.</p> <p>I see that you've put be more assertive about asking for what you need on there, which is basically the same thing I think I'm saying. Just remember that while the medical professionals might know the medicine best YOU know you best. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465918 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 11:08:43 +0000 Cherrybee 2465918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: My husband is a force to be reckoned with when he wants to be. He played nicey nicey last time because I asked him to - I am uncomfortable with making a fuss - but this time I've told him he has permission to throw his weight about! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465831 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:46:38 +0000 Anagram 2465831@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: ugh...your midwife. Noooo. You know, there were specific things that I really didn't like with my first birth that I wanted different in my second--nothing big like your issues, but small things like I wanted to wear a bra while laboring (the nurse at my first hospital was a total bitch about that).</p> <p>Of course, this time, a lot of those issues were moot points because I had the baby 10 minutes after arriving in the maternity ward, but as soon as the nurse came in and told me to take of ALL my clothes and put on the gown, I just shouted "NO! I'm keeping my bra on!" very forcefully...probably too forcefully. But I could already tell this nurse was going to give me trouble about wearing a bra so I just went balls-to-the-wall. I mean, it helped that I was basically in transition and in no mood for any BS.</p> <p>Other things----just steel yourself for a fight on the things that really matter to you, and don't count on your husband to do it (unless your DH is more forceful than mine is). My husband is great, but he's a rule follower and doesn't like to make waves, so I can't count on him to tell nurses No for me when they tell me to do things that I KNOW are optional. </p> <p>My two big things were: I wanted to wear a bra, and I wanted an iv port instead of an IV (or whatever the thing is called that goes in your hand so you can still walk around). And I had to be a B, but I got both of those things, but I had to be forceful bordering on rude, because my first nice question "(ie. Do I have to take off the bra? I prefer to keep it) didn't work. SO then I just flatly said...NO, I'm keeping it on. </p> <p>Maybe you can write in your plan "I will request ......." for the things you want them to do. Just to appease your midwife. Although I think it's BS. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465812 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:40:06 +0000 Cherrybee 2465812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: :grin: Thanks!! Don't worry, my husband is all geared up for a fight this time! I WILL get what I want!</p> <p>My husband was wonderful last time, counting me thrugh contractions etc, but even he didn't realise just how much pain I was in (because the midwife made out I was just making a huge fuss - then left the room for the duration). Now he knows I had a precipitous birth, he thinks I'm a rock star :grin: and will take my word over theirs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465807 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:37:54 +0000 Silva 2465807@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DenverMom: I agree. I didn't use a doula, but felt incredibly supported by my medical team throughout my experience. It seems like a doula would be a worthwhile investment for you in all of this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465800 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:35:48 +0000 DenverMom 2465800@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Could you hire a doula? I used one with my first labor and she was good at staying in tune with me and using different techniques to keep me calm and focused. But more importantly, she was able to step in when medical decisions about my care were being made to ensure that I understood what was happening and that I was okay with the process. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465797 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:35:31 +0000 MtnBiker 2465797@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: It took me a long time to let it go, and most days I'm okay with it now. I sort of knew going into the end of the pregnancy that I would have no interest at first - I felt zero connection with LO (no interest in ultrasounds, kick counts, any of it...), my grandpa warned me about how my mom reacted to my birth (it wasn't happy I guess), and I hate holding newborns. I talked with DH a lot about it, so he knew to take care of LO until I was ready. Thankfully DH is a baby person. Don't feel badly about it, our bodies, hormones, and thoughts do strange, strange things. The days I'm not at peace with it, I remind myself that I did what I needed to do to make sure LO was safe and loved - even if I wasn't the one giving him snuggles. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465795 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:35:17 +0000 Cherrybee 2465795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: Thank you. :heart: I really don't think she meant it to come across as arseholey as I've obviously made it sound! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465794 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:35:06 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2465794@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I honestly want to give that midwife a piece of my mind for you. It's infuriating that she's blaming you, and indicating that you have to be more specific with your language in your birth plan about what YOU can do to help things be better. Just...no. The fact that you were asking for pain medication and the midwife didn't believe you were in active labor infuriates me. I wan to come and be your advocate while you're in labor! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465770 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:25:42 +0000 rachiecakes 2465770@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>wait.. what?</p> <p>You wouldn't be in a hospital if birth didn't require assistance. You are not wrong for wanting some of these things (even if they are things they can not grant you). Please know that none of this is your fault and your feelings are valid. </p> <p>I get that it is what it is. And I think because of that you probably need to think of it as no one is there to help you per se and think of all the things you (and your DH) could do/bring/etc. that can make it as easy as possible now that you know what you're up against.<br /> I'm really sorry you aren't getting much support from your medical team. :heart: </p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: right? I could barely communicate with myself in labor - blacking out, ears ringing, seizure-like shakes - never mind anyone else. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465768 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:25:25 +0000 Cherrybee 2465768@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MtnBiker: That's really interesting to hear that you felt that way too. That's exactly how I felt about holding my daughter after birth (and for some time after, unfortunately) and it's one of the things that haunts me to this day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465760 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:22:08 +0000 MtnBiker 2465760@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a tough one, I had an induction that seemed super slow and then picked up to light speed out of nowhere and no one listened. This is one of the things that keep me from saying "I'll have another". I did find that anytime DH said anything they immediately listened... I warned them on all the paperwork and told every nurse while I was in labor that I would have no interest in the baby, but they still insisted that we do skin to skin. The second DH realized and saw me freaking out and trying to get LO away from me that he loudly took LO and said something along the lines of "She's not in a state to hold the baby. Didn't you hear her?!" I've thought if I get pregnant again, I'll have both my mom and DH there to advocate for me because clearly I was not heard/listened to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465757 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:20:14 +0000 Cherrybee 2465757@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@avivoca: That's exactly what I did. She criticised that it only said what I needed from them and not what I was going to do to make the situation better. I replied that I had only included the bit that related to them because i was trying to keep it on one page!! But I will go home and write all the actions for me, too, if it makes her happy! </p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: No, not really. *scratches head* I think she was just trying to encourage me to be empowered and in control, because a lot of the language I used showed me to be bewildered and frightened. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465749 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:15:23 +0000 avivoca 2465749@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think a good first step is creating a birth plan and a list of things that you will need on the ward (like the one you just started). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465736 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:12:32 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2465736@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Was she more specific with what you did "wrong" to hand over your experience to the medical staff? I don't like that she's blaming you for a traumatic birth experience. You're going through labor...it's difficult to advocate for yourself when you're in a heap of pain because a child is exiting you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-did-you-retain-autonomy-and-responsbility-in-a-highly-medicalised-birth-scenario#post-2465730 Thu, 18 Feb 2016 10:09:15 +0000 Cherrybee 2465730@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Today, I went to the "midwife listening service" to talk about my previous birth experience. For those who don't know, I was induced in hospital, on a ward with other labouring ladies. It took several days for me to get to 2cm and I had no sleep for 6 nights in total (4 because I was on a noisy ward, 1 because I was giving birth and 1 because I had a newborn). I then had a very quick labour, once I was hooked up to the hormone drip, and was denied pain relief because my midwife didn't realise/believe I was in active labour until I was 10cm. </p> <p>Anyway, today, we talked about that experience and then talked about what we can do to make my next experience less traumatic. I had written a birth plan in preparation - but the senior midwife commented that it talked only about what the medical staff could do to make it better, not what I could do. She also pointed out how the language I had used when describing my previous experience showed that I had mentally handed the entire experience over to the medical staff. She wants me to retain responsibility and autonomy this time....</p> <p>She asked me to go home and think about what *I* can do to make this next experience better. I've thought of a few things: </p> <p>- Bring an eye mask and ear plugs<br /> - Ask DH to bring me food (there was no diabetic option on the ward)<br /> - Be more assertive when asking for what I need</p> <p>But what else can I do? How do you retain autonomy over a process that is what it is? </p>