https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 25 Apr 2026 11:14:08 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-580153 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 14:29:45 +0000 Maysprout 580153@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you and DH need to get on the same page about what is and isn't acceptable so you have confidence that she won't undermine your decisions. </p> <p>My MIL was super sweet during my pregnancy but we had a really rough first year after LO was born. She's very thoughtful but she's used to things going according to her plans so I think it just was shocking to see DH and I not doing things the way she would. When LO was a couple months old DH took her aside and had a talk with her. It helped with my confidence for him to do that but the situation did not get better for awhile. She really had to adjust and accept that we may not agree with her on everything. </p> <p>But she took awhile to accept it. So we stayed firm while she said all sorts of underhanded, really mean comments, we didn't decrease contact with them or anything like that, though she definitely watched LO less bc of some of her ideas. It's been a lot better recently so I'm hoping that it was just a long adjustment to us being parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-580069 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 14:08:49 +0000 ladyfingers 580069@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would probably just say, "You may be right" and turn my ears off. Maybe conceding to her would shut her up while you can just go about your own business. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-580062 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 14:07:15 +0000 Boheme 580062@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: I think that is probably how this is going to go down. I know we'll see them this weekend at some point, and she's going to make a ridiculous statement and that's the point I will lose it. </p> <p>I'm a social worker, so I will prob put on my very stern, cold clinical social worker voice and lay things out for her. She's extremely passive, so I know it will hurt her feelings...but it will also shut her up (hopefully). I can't count on DH to shut her down, so I've got a feeling I'll be doing it myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579990 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:50:00 +0000 MsLipGloss 579990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: At this point, I don't know that *going Chuck Norris* would be enough to get her back in line . . . and I don't say that lightly, cus CN is srs bzns! But seriously . . . </p> <p>I had a family member that did/said very hurtful things to me during my pregnancy, and I did what @HappyGal recommended and called her out, on the spot, although I did it using a very even almost clinical tone. It didn't go over well, but at the same time, she knew she was really out of line, and it abruptly put a stop to the nonsense . . . until we talked the next time. </p> <p>I will say though, I felt super great about standing up for myself . . . and now that LO's here, I certainly don't hestitate now either! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579968 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:43:37 +0000 2PeasinaPod 579968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Happygal: Haha...that's great advice (pretending your parents are drunk to better cope with what they say). I'm going to try to remember this one! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579948 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:40:11 +0000 hilary 579948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I have a policy.....I deal with my family and he deals with his. So much easier to be the bad guy to your own family. Just remember, you know what's best for your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579909 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:32:46 +0000 Happygal 579909@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man! That's amazing stuff. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with that, and hope it's not taking away from what should be a joyful experience. </p> <p>I'm all for keeping the peace as much as possible, so I like the suggestions of saying things like, "I'll keep that in mind," or "That's one way to look at it." Something that just shuts it down. Or say, "There are going to be some things that we do a little differently, just as I'm sure you did things a little differently from your parents. We've come to our decisions through careful research and consideration, and ask that you respect that."</p> <p>At the same time, when she gets personal, like calling you selfish, I would be inclined to be direct and say something like, "That is a hurtful statement." People know when they're being rude, and when they're called out on it, it can be effective (it can also escalate things, so proceed with caution!)</p> <p>I would ask my husband NOT to tell me anything crazy or rude she has said. What's the point?</p> <p>On a light-hearted note, I saw a movie where a girl said she just imagines her parents are drunk to help her cope with when they say crazy stuff.</p> <p>I hope you can explain to your husband how these are bothering you. Even if he doesn't believe it to be so, he should have a talk with his mom and tell her to cool it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579895 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:30:16 +0000 NerdBee 579895@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh and I also agree with PP that your DH needs to have your back. I think it's reasonable to expect respect from the people that you allow into your life. What your MIL is soon is undermining you and disrespecting both you and him as parents. Would he allow anyone else to treat you in this manner? If not, why is it ok that his mother treats you like this? Maybe it would make him rethink his stance that she is harmless if you put it this way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579836 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:22:03 +0000 travelgirl1 579836@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: That's great, at least you can relax on that one a bit then. Gosh as if pregnancy/childbirth isn't stressful enough! Surely your MIL must remember that a little bit.... Really hope it all calms down for you soon! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579825 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:20:02 +0000 NerdBee 579825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: LOL!! I can just picture him shuddering every time you silently mouth "lemon clot" at him. He'll never look at a lemon the same way again! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579749 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 13:04:50 +0000 MRSMATHY 579749@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: I pre-registered yesterday and they asked me the question about whether or not they could tell people I was there, and I definitely said a big fat NO! </p> <p>My MIL is horrible. And honestly, if we saw her as much you saw yours, I could probably say they were twins. Thankfully, DH is annoyed by her (and her creepster Husband too) so he has no problem only seeing them on holidays (which is taxing enough) and not talking to them except on rare occasion. My SIL informed me that when she came to see our nephew in the hospital she held him for 4 hours. FOUR! I already informed DH that this was not permitted, and he knows he has to stand up to her (which he'd prefer over me doing it). My mom, as close as we are, and as much as I love her, I fear will begin to react like your MIL when she finds out we don't want visitors until after LO is born!</p> <p>I have no advice other than put your foot down NOW. Try to have an adult conversation (even though, based on what you say, I doubt it will matter) and then go from there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off/page/2#post-579729 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:58:24 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 579729@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You can't plan for a birth, but she suggested you schedule a C-section? Huh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579613 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:37:54 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 579613@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NerdBee: Awesome - that is SO true. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579587 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:32:55 +0000 Boheme 579587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NerdBee: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That is his required reading tonight! He gets squeamish so it will haunt him. When the subject of the reunion caravan comes up, I will just mouth 'lemon clot' to him and he will lose his mind. High five! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579572 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:29:52 +0000 NerdBee 579572@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Omg, please don't let him convince you to let the reunion caravan descend upon you after birth. If he insists, make him read the lemon clot essay: <a href="http://www.geekinheels.com/2010/05/15/the-lemon-clot-essay.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.geekinheels.com/2010/05/15/the-lemon-clot-essay.html</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579570 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:29:06 +0000 cranberryapple 579570@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's hearing stories like these that makes me super grateful for my awesome "perfect" MIL! My own mother, on the other hand, drives me up the wall!!! Good thing she didn't have any sons so she won't get to nag any daughter-in-laws! </p> <p>Hope your DH steps up to the plate and stands up for you in this matter! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579503 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:14:26 +0000 Dandelion 579503@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: Can you show your dh THIS post? Maybe if he sees how other people are reacting to your MIL, he might realize you're not the only one thinking these things. Or, be talking about it IRL to someone with him around...someone he respects, to get a reaction out of them in front of him. Maybe he just doesn't realize how crazy this is making you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579500 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:14:11 +0000 MamaMagpie 579500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my gosh, I totally would've gone full Chuck Norris on her already! Bravo to you for being so patient!</p> <p>I agree with everyone about DH needing to be on the same page, and even though her comments don't bother him outright, the fact that it upsets you so much is the point. Especially because your feelings are absolutely warranted and because she is basically undermining you when she tries to make him side with her on things. SO not ok!</p> <p>If he won't man up and talk to her, he should at least be by your side when you do. Don't wait until a moment where you just can't stand it anymore, bring up the subject on neutral ground and let her know she's unwittingly upsetting you and you are afraid it will affect your relationship and, eventually, her relationship with her future grandchild. On some of the health/safety related topics, maybe bringing her information would help. I agree with some PP that you shouldn't have to prove yourself, but it may be helpful in the end. </p> <p>Good luck! And stick to your guns, all of your plans sound right on target and definitely not crazy-pregnant-lady at all!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579493 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:12:10 +0000 Boheme 579493@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: hahahaha! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579489 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:11:15 +0000 Dandelion 579489@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: LOL! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579452 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:05:58 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 579452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: Smart move ;-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579444 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:05:05 +0000 Boheme 579444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wheres_c: @travelgirl1: Since I work at the hospital where I'm delivering I pre-registered as a non-published patient. If anyone asks to see me, unless I've expressly asked to see them, security will deny I'm even a patient there ;) Even if MIL brings tag-along people, they won't allow them in. I've out-smarted her in one way! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579425 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 12:00:27 +0000 travelgirl1 579425@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: I remember your post the other day, your MIL is waaay out of line! I think you have two tasks unfortunately: getting MIL to back off AND getting DH to stand up for you more and see your point of view. Could you talk to MIL yourself? Let her know you value her place as grandma but feel upset she's disregarding your opinions as a parent? Thank goodness you have all the nurses to help you out with the hospital issues. Ha I want to speak to your MIL for you, lol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579414 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:58:09 +0000 wheres_c 579414@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: oh and i had 20 of his family members descend on my hospital room the day after my c section. Can you say blowup.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579409 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:57:08 +0000 wheres_c 579409@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sounds just like my in laws too! My FIL wanted me to schedule a c section so he could be here for the birth!</p> <p>Seriously though i learned it was just easier to listen and ignore vs argue with them. Now that LO is here I tell them I will think about what they had to say, then i ignore it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579380 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:49:59 +0000 Boheme 579380@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: He just thinks I'm over-reacting and that's she's harmless. What is infuriating is that she has actually caused him to challenge me on a couple of subjects, like my hospital choice and letting the whole family reunion caravan descend on my house when I have a newborn. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579323 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:38:43 +0000 Foodnerd81 579323@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this! Your husband really needs to step up and confront her. She had her chance, she did a good job raising her son (I assume, since you married him!). Now it's your turn, and it's her turn to back off and just enjoy being a Grandma, not a parent. I know you say your husband isn't bothered by it, but 1) how is that possible? and 2) isn't he bothered by how upset it makes YOU? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579312 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:35:38 +0000 cascademom 579312@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: I feel the same way about my MIL &amp; inlaws on this as well. While they were here on my mat leave, they watched LO when I was supposed to be sleeping. LO was screaming so much. The same sort of thing happened during her other visit here. I'm not comfortable with how they care for LO. I haven't expressed this to DH, but making sure that we're with LO all of the time during a visit ensures that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579308 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:34:55 +0000 blackbird 579308@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ditto all the PP's advice and a witty meme :) </p> [attach=618/13/mij227.411x600.7ed9acccb21ea8e8b555595e24b764cf.jpg] https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-i-tell-mil-nicely-to-back-off#post-579282 Wed, 20 Feb 2013 11:27:03 +0000 kiddosc 579282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do any of the hospitals in your area offer a grandparents class? You could enroll them as "a gift" since you know how excited they are. Then they can hear from someone else how old and outdated their methods are. Ultimately, DH needs to get behind you and you should all sit down and have a discussion about everyone's expectations. If you had a good relationship with her before, I'd think this would be possible. We don't live close to my Mom now, but we're moving in the next year, and I know I'm going to have a talk with her about boundaries, lol. </p>