https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 10 May 2026 14:06:57 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323639 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 23:19:21 +0000 petitstrawberry 323639@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crumbs: Good suggestion, going to try this the next time things get difficult.<br /> @highwire: My mom has a huge guilt trip arena, too! Nothing is her fault :/<br /> @autumnlove: What your mom said was horrible! </p> <p>Our moms sound the same :( so sorry to hear you are dealing with this. Here’s what helps me:<br /> 1) Figure out the root cause. Every issue that my mom judges ends up being one of her own parenting insecurities from raising her own 4 children. For example, she spent So. Many. Conversations. trying to convince me to let my then 6-mo watch Sesame Street, saying I was not as interesting or educating as the TV could be. Only later did I realize she had let my younger brother watch hours and hours of TV before he started kindergarten. So now when she brings something up, I try to uncover any of her doubts about her own parenting choices and reassure her that she did fine but my choice is different. The problem with this is that it takes time to figure out the deeper issue, so usually a few painful conversations have already occurred, with a lot of “ok I’ll think about it” and “thank you for your opinion”.<br /> 2) Have support. Because I am bad at standing up to her in person, DH and I agreed that I can’t bring LO over alone. (We live flying distance, so this is relatively easy to do) My mom behaves slightly better in front of DH, but he has come close to whisking me and LO out the front door on a few occasions. Hm I don’t have any advice for this, because we haven’t yet had to leave their house because of her behavior, but we do have a simple exit strategy: I will make up some plausible excuse and DH will politely but firmly excuse ourselves and then leave. That way we (especially DH!) don’t stay and burn the bridge by saying something in the heat of the moment.<br /> 3) Control the environment. We’ve avoided inviting her over to visit our home, but have her “visit” through the webcam instead. This allows us more control over the interaction, in case we need to end it before it gets ugly. We can always blame a lousy internet connection...<br /> 4) Keep a calm tone. If your mom is like mine, the more she continues pushing an issue, the more argumentative she gets. I found that keeping my voice low and trying to at least sound calm helps by not contributing to her excitement.<br /> 5) Redirect the conversation. Well, it’s worth a shot. But when she continues to push the issue, then it’s time for “Thank you for your advice, please give me some time to think about it.”</p> <p>On a positive note, despite our rocky relationship my mom is still clearly in love with LO and is so happy when she talks to LO over the webcam or in person... even if she is ignoring me, heh. :T</p> <p>Phew, sorry for the essay! Good luck with this and hang in there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323203 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 19:05:47 +0000 anonysquire 323203@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have children yet but my inlaws (specifically my brother in laws) are very judgemental of me. It really hurts. So I no longer have them in my life. That is the only way I know how to deal with things.</p> <p>Sorry you are going through this!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323200 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 19:03:48 +0000 kakimochi 323200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>with my mil, we do the "ok", nod a couple times, and then hopefully she stops. my DH, who is usually pretty chill, but if she pushes too much, depending on his mood, he will sometimes give her an irritated response or starts defending our decisions, and she usually backs off. </p> <p>@autumnlove oh that sucks about the comments your MIL and mom makes, I would be sooooo mad if someone told me that you deserved gestational diabetes, that's way harsh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323150 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 18:27:10 +0000 blackbird 323150@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I usually find I have to say, "mom, stop. Now" and she goes, "but we're just talking" in a whiny voice. If i say nothing or am really nice about it, she'll just go on and on and on. First it's breastfeeding and now it's "awful" that i have to leave my 12 week old at a daycare. So now i just cut her off and she gets it. She doesn't even realize it half the time </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323081 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 17:19:37 +0000 Arden 323081@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First, I try to gently educate them. If that doesn't work, I ignore them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323072 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 17:12:34 +0000 autumnlove 323072@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@highwire: She must have some issues because she is soooo obsessed with weight. She constantly criticizes my dad, brother, me and her friends. AHHHHHH! She is very slim and eats what she wants so she accuses us of being jealous when we get upset at her comments! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323066 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 17:06:48 +0000 DillonLion 323066@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnlove: YIKES. Does she have issues with her own weight? That sounds like she is projecting. Why would she harass you about something like that if it is often such a sensitive topic for women? I would not be able to handle that at all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323064 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 17:05:46 +0000 autumnlove 323064@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel for you. My MIL is judgemental about us using daycare and talks about it constantly.<br /> My mom also does not back down, so it is hard. For example, she will never stop talking and obsessing about my weight (5'2" and 120s usually) and urges me to get back to my high school weight. When I told her I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, she told me I deserved it because I am so overweight. We didn't talk for two weeks after that and things are still a bit awkward. I told her I will not discuss my health with her any longer but she still finds a way to ask me about my weight at every conversation. So irritating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323047 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:48:30 +0000 DillonLion 323047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ScarletJwl: How challenging. My mom usually backs off immediately if she knows she is deliberately pissing me off, but she usually rolls into the guilt trip arena (you hurt my feelings, I'm so sorry I never meant to hurt you, etc. etc.)..which is a whole other conversation that I try to avoid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323046 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:48:23 +0000 jennylynn 323046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no advice for you, but I feel like I could have written this post. :/ Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323036 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:44:35 +0000 ScarletJwl 323036@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@highwire - I have tried several different tactics. I have tried the "please stop," changing the subject, explaining my reasoning, and I have even tried "I appreciate this is coming from a place of love, but no thank you." None of it seems to work... If my sister or brother is around they can sometimes get her to back off, but I haven't been able to do it on my own.</p> <p>@hilsy85 and @lemonlong - Thank you, I will try that. I may have tried it before, but it is always worth another shot! (haha it sounds like I am using your suggestion, but I will actually try it! ;) ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323033 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:42:47 +0000 SugarplumsMom 323033@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have to add that my mom isn't very judgmental, so I never had to have this kind of talk with her on parenting, but there has been other topics.</p> <p>As for my MIL, the most judgmental person I've ever met, I do what pp said: thank her, secretly roll my eyes, and vent when she leaves ;D </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323027 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:37:46 +0000 SugarplumsMom 323027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If it's my own mom, I'd tell her how her behavior is making it very difficult for me to want to see her. That she needs to respect my decisions and learn to keep comments to herself! She had her turn at parenting, it's your turn now. </p> <p>It's harsh, I know, and it probably won't work for most ppl, but my mom is an extraordinarily stubborn woman and very into "her ways". I've learned that I need to stand my ground when it comes to important issues. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323022 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:35:23 +0000 DillonLion 323022@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>"The problem is that when she starts on something she will not stop"</p> <p>How is the conversation going here? Are you saying "please stop" and she just railroads you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-323018 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:33:52 +0000 LemonLong 323018@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @hilsy85.</p> <p>Just thank her for her advice and say something like, "well, we'll have to try that." or "I'm writing that down for things to try if &lt;insert preferred method&gt; doesn't work for us." That way she feels acknowledged and hopefully won't feel the need to continue on with the subject.</p> <p>I find arguing or trying to educate some people from different generations on what the popular childcare methods are now can be a losing battle. Better just to acknowledge their opinion and hope they move on! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-322992 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:23:51 +0000 hilsy85 322992@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess it depends what the situation is, but I've found that saying, "Oh thank you for your input! We'll definitely try that next time" usually works in shutting the person up and leaving them satisfied that they've passed along their opinion. Then I just do whatever I was going to do in the first place. I guess it's different if it's something that your mom wants to do right there, like change her outfit, feed her differently, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-judgmental-family-members#post-322986 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:21:56 +0000 ScarletJwl 322986@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have not even had this child yet, and my mother is already lecturing me about parenting choices... It is not just to me, she has always been very judgmental of the parenting choices of others. </p> <p>Granted, we do not get along on many levels, but I also don't want to completely cut her out of our life - I think it's important for my child to know her grandparents. The problem is that when she starts on something she will not stop - on the phone I often end up hanging up on her (I know, it sounds horrible...) - and I do not know how to handle it when she is physically present. DH has come close to asking her to leave on several occasions. Any advice on how to handle very judgmental family members without just not talking to or seeing them? </p>