https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 19 Apr 2026 21:35:38 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2922021 Mon, 11 Jan 2021 07:24:55 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2922021@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bamblm: I really appreciate these points, thank you. I definitely hadn't thought of it in this way. I noticed as I got older just how little empathy my mom has - not in a malicious way, just very little concept of how the things she does can affect others - and part of my vigilance is around that. I fully trust her to spend time with my daughter unsupervised, but as my daughter gets older, I do worry about her ability to process comments from my mom that don't come from malice but just lack of awareness. It started a couple of years ago with comments about my daughter's appearance - how she should cut her hair because "it's prettier that way" and comments about her body, which is bigger, like mine, and something my mom was hung up on with me for my entire life. I shut all that down very fast, especially the body stuff, but that's where my hypervigilance comes from. This year has definitely changed things a lot - she and my daughter got closer (kiddo is always asking about calling Bubbie and when can we see her again, etc.) and she and I drifted farther and I'm not sure what that will all look like. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2922009 Sun, 10 Jan 2021 16:19:17 +0000 bamblm 2922009@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: ugh, yes, this is a very difficult line to toe. I commiserate completely. I guess I have gotten to the point I am not concerned with “my issues” affecting their relationship. For us, when the kids were littler I felt like their relationship was ideal, but as they got older she started to do some of the things to them that she does to me. They were minor at the time, but important because it made me realize they were going to be in my position at some point and their relationship was not as ideal as I thought. To me (and this may just be because of my experience) Even the side comments to your children about you means that she is not prioritizing her relationship with your kids, but - maybe without realizing it, but it is what it is - using them to manipulate her relationship with you. Once I realized “my issues” were theirs as well, I felt more of a responsibility to better equip my kids to handle it. What my responsibility becomes is how to bleed that over in a healthier way. </p> <p> I guess what I am saying in the end is MY relationship with my kids is vastly more important than the grandparents. My mom is the one in particular that we need to supervise. It has gotten to the point that I have no problem putting my boundaries on their interactions. I will shut down calls when she is steering the conversation “ let me get the kids to bed, cleaned up, fed, etc” or specifically call just before bed so I know it will be short and sweet. Also, I try to be open but brief explaining why my mood can be so different before and after a call, “sometimes grandma says things that make me sad” or “I have a hard time getting her to listen to me”<br /> I feel like I am also showing them what is acceptable treatment by family members. There are times where I don’t call, but I will make an effort to answer if she calls and it is convenient for us. </p> <p>One thing you said is that they have an incredible relationship you didn’t want to be responsible for ruining. I felt that way too at one point. But I think I realized that as the kids got older and developed actual incredible relationships with some of the grandparents, the fact that I felt I had to supervise or moderate a particular relationship meant that I knew on some level it wasn’t. Anyways, I’m sure how I’m handling this will mean my kids need therapy at some point too lol. But I do feel it benefits my kids to put some boundaries around their relationship as well.</p> <p>ETA: Hugs to you for trying to sort this out for yourself and your daughter. Be gentle on yourself and don’t apologize for taking care of yourself. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921976 Sat, 09 Jan 2021 13:20:04 +0000 caitcat 2921976@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really identify with the struggle to balance kid/grandparent relationships with my own boundaries in the relationships. Our relationship with my husband's parents has been strained for years (his mom is a borderline hoarder, very passive aggressive and manipulative, and a master of gaslighting...). All of the stressors through covid have only complicated it more, and our bandwidth to deal with it is basically nonexistent. </p> <p>Our strategy at the moment is to focus as much of our relationship with them on simply maintaining their relationship with our kids to the extent that our kids show interest (like, if the kids aren't asking to FaceTime, we don't push it...but if the kids are clamoring to chat with their grandparents, I'll text to set up a time). </p> <p>I'll set the kids up with FaceTime in the family room while I'm working in the kitchen, so I'm in earshot to keep tabs on the conversation, but they can still "visit" the kids - which generally, both the kids and grandparents enjoy well enough. They've said some iffy things to the kids like "maybe when your mommy and daddy let us out of the bad virus penalty box, we'll get to visit you again. Too bad they won't let us come over!"...so I do like to keep the girls nearby when they're chatting so that we know what to deal with or help them process when they get off the phone. And if there's too much like that, we back off the time they spend with the kids and space out their FaceTime calls more. Most of the conversation is totally normal, but there are things like that from time to time that give us pause. </p> <p>It's definitely not a foolproof strategy and I'm still stressed about orchestrating it because I tend to get "stuck" with them on one end of the conversation and I never know where that will go. I've found I can be more hands-off during their calls when I put my phone in a stand and it can be propped away enough from my daughters that they don't mess with filters or fidget with the phone itself. </p> <p>I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mom. I often wonder when my kids will figure out that stuff with my husband's parents is so different than our relationships with the rest of his family and my family. I think my six year old is starting to have a sense that things aren't "normal" (not that things are bad, but just that they're definitely different). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921975 Sat, 09 Jan 2021 12:46:04 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2921975@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bamblm: thanks so much for your perspective. I agree 100% actually. My concern in this situation is to not let my own differences and difficulties with my mom affect the relationship with my daughter (e.g. if I don't want to talk to my mom for a while, I don't want that to result in my daughter not talking to her for that time, which then means I have to engage with my mom somehow). I have no hesitations in holding my mom to her words. When she said about our vacation that I didn't want her there, I told my daughter that wasn't true and Bubbie was making an assumption instead of asking a question and learning the answer from someone directly. When she tells my daughter I don't call or whatever other sideways comment, I am open about how it makes me feel and what a better way to articulate that frustration for her Bubbie would have been. This is in large part why I also don't feel comfortable disconnecting from their calls - it allows me to hear these things when they arise and address them openly - but my own emotional well being definitely takes a hit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921974 Sat, 09 Jan 2021 12:35:41 +0000 minimalistmom 2921974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bamblm: I love this so much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921970 Sat, 09 Jan 2021 12:27:08 +0000 Mrs. Tiger 2921970@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My own mother has similar tendencies - can't take criticism without crying/shutting down, guilt trips me if we don't see them (outdoors/masked only since March) every single weekend. </p> <p>I really like the circles of concern/influence/control way of thinking. I may be concerned about something she is doing or saying but I understand I can't control her so I don't focus on it. I try to keep things superficial sometimes to cope (like nope, this isn't a good weekend for us. Sorry, hopefully next weekend!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921968 Sat, 09 Jan 2021 10:47:04 +0000 bamblm 2921968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: This may not be a popular sentiment, but I don't try to cast the grandparent relationship with rose colored glasses. </p> <p>I used to make a VERY considerable effort making sure all of their interactions were pleasant and ideal, but as my kids have gotten older I realized that I was not equipping them for the inevitable letdowns, and I would also inevitably end up burdening them with the same dysfunctional relationships.</p> <p>I prefer that my kids put more weight on the actions rather than the intentions of their inner circle, so I stopped making excuses, saying "but grandma loves you, doesn't mean that, etc", and now I will correct inaccuracies but let onus of the cultivation of the relationship lie on the grandparent. As a result we have two grandfathers that have very meaningful connections and interactions with the kids and two grandmothers that have a more superficial or intermittent relationship.</p> <p>It has been freeing, my kids have taught me a little bit about meeting the grandparents where they are, loving them as they are, and my kids are better than I am about maintaining a healthy emotional distance. For example, if my mom calls, It's not perfect and by no means removes all of the stress, but it is healthier, and I feel better about how my kids might handle this relationship as they get older, or even if I am not there. </p> <p>As for my personal relationship and connection with my mother, (and a similar dynamic has played out with my husband and his mother) we have learned to not be manipulated, and hold to our boundaries that dictate how we are treated, but that some people are loved best from a distance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921956 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 13:56:18 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2921956@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: You're spot on. I definitely don't think she'll change, and I think I have the patterns mostly figured out. It's the boundaries I'm not quite sure what to do with. Kinda like @mamabird said, right now because of the distance and limitations in our contact it seems like we're basically only revolving around my daughter and interaction with her, but things like this flare up periodically. And I'm really good usually at boundaries, but not with her. I feel like I have some responsibility to listen to her venting because she doesn't have that outlet elsewhere and I feel bad shutting her down, but then I walk away exhausted and feeling really let down because even though I know she loves me more than words, she doesn't take any time to ask about me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921955 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 12:50:44 +0000 Mama Bird 2921955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have this weird relationship like divorced people sharing custody. 99% of our conversations are about the kids (their grandkids). I don't know how this will play out when they're older and need me around more... it feels like the person I am around them cannot be a wife or a mom, I really don't want to bring any more of that sad toxicity into my kids' or my husband's life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921954 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 12:29:34 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2921954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: She's 7. The challenge with her is that she's a very fidgety kid and we do the calls right before bedtime and my mom likes seeing her so if I leave the phone with her, it'll inevitably be closed out or she'll try to find special effects on it, my mom will be looking at the ceiling, you name it. So I sit with her and it helps her focus on the conversation a bit more. And frankly it helps me catch some of the passive aggressive crap so that if my daughter asks about it, I at least am prepared for it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921952 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 12:11:22 +0000 ChitownRo 2921952@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: we don’t explicitly discuss politics either but it’s like this constant undercurrent that’s there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921948 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 10:42:23 +0000 ElbieKay 2921948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: How old is your daughter? You probably don't need to hold the phone for her if she is at least 3 or 4. My 6yo routinely uses our iPhone to Facetime with my sister without my involvement. In fact he probably abuses this privilege and pesters her too much, but she is very understanding about that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921947 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 10:40:40 +0000 ElbieKay 2921947@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>"She then proceeded to unload a whole ton of her own emotional crap on me like how she feels "outcast" and how no one listens to her or respects her opinions (no idea what she's talking about) and then she hung up on me with "I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person and mother.""</p> <p>This is manipulative, narcissistic behavior. She ostensibly called to apologize and then turned the conversation into a guilt trip with a focus on her own feelings.</p> <p>You have limited options here. You need to identify her emotional patterns so that you recognize them when they repeat. Then you need to decide on your personal boundaries and dealbreakers, and enforce them accordingly.</p> <p>What you need to avoid is hoping she will change, because you can't control that, and anyway it probably won't happen. You may be seeking something in your interactions with her that she can't provide, so make sure you figure that out and drop any expectations that are not going to be met. That way you can avoid being disappointed by your interactions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921946 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 10:37:06 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2921946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina: the "you can only do so much" please is where I'm at personally. It's in large part why I haven't made much effort to call her myself. Our conversations are always about her and her frustrations with work and whatever else, there's never a question about how I am, and I have enough going on that I don't need someone else's load on me. And circumstantially it's kind of easy right now - we don't live close and even if we did we wouldn't be seeing them because my mom works full time outside the house, so we really only just do the twice weekly calls, where my role is really just to hold the phone as she talks with my daughter. Texts are all logistical - I'm mailing you something, I have a technology question, whatever. So I'm fine sitting in my bubble but I know eventually something will bubble up again, especially as things progress this year and we might be able to visit again. So I dunno... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921942 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 09:39:38 +0000 josina 2921942@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your mom sounds a LOT like my MIL.<br /> She is the cause of a lot of drama in my husbands family, and if anyone calls her out on it she shuts off, retreats, and waits for everyone else to come to her.<br /> So many examples... she obviously plays favorites with my nephew and DH has called her out on it before and then she just denies it. DH and his youngest brother got in a disagreement in which both sides played some fault, by MIL took youngest son's side and said some really inappropriate things about my DH - to which I told her flat out she needed to apologize or there would be no relationship, which of course she didn't do.<br /> Now, a year later she doesn't get why my DH is so distant with her, complains everyone avoids her, etc. etc. It's all her own fault but she won't ever apologize for anything. She actually slapped my SIL and blamed HER for the problems between MIL and oldest son and never apologized for that either, she just wants to pretend it never happened. </p> <p>I don't believe there is a good solution for a situation like this really. I've told her what she needs to do (apologize) and she won't, so it is what it is, and it's her own fault. I feel bad for her cuz my FIL is a total asshole, but that's also her fault for staying with him. </p> <p>I make every attempt to keep her involved with the kids, they can go visit her anytime she allows. I ignore the snide comments she makes or try to address them as nicely as I can. (she complained she wasn't invited to DSD's basketball game pre-covid and I'm like 1- it's late at night, I know you wouldn't go, 2- you can look up her schedule like anyone else). </p> <p>So no advice really, just commiseration! If you can have a conversation with her and just lay it all out, that'd be best, but that's not always easy. MIL and I did have this conversation via text last year, and her and I are fine, but she didn't take any of my advice either. You can only do so much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921940 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 09:27:05 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2921940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ChitownRo: we do, but I don't think that's a factor here. We rarely get into politics, and if we do, I shut it down pretty fast because I just don't like getting into politics myself, with anyone. My parents are also not really political. They have views, and this year it did get a little more prominent because they have the TV on all the time when they're home and they've been home more this year, but between us, we just don't discuss it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921939 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 08:23:59 +0000 ChitownRo 2921939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you have differing political views? I legitimately think the constant narrative about liberal snowflakes on Fox and conservative media is impacting lots of family dynamics. Well it definitely is in my family... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-deal-with-your-parents-issues#post-2921938 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 07:14:59 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2921938@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know we've had posts on this before but I'm not quite finding them so figured I'd just ask. (warning, this got really long,..)</p> <p>How do you deal with your parents if there are issues that make your relationship with them difficult? Particularly if you want them to be involved with your kids and preserve the grandparent relationship but are struggling to maintain your own relationship with them?</p> <p>I've had some challenges with my mom in the past but this year has really exacerbated things significantly. In a nutshell, she's someone who wants to be very helpful and supportive and never "burden" anyone but goes about it in completely backwards ways that actually cause more problems for people. She's completely nonresponsive to any kind of criticism, perceived or otherwise, so it's virtually impossible to tell her why someone is upset with her and have her acknowledge it much less do something about it so whenever things flare up, it ends up being easier just to let it go rather than deal with it, and frankly, I'm just exhausted by it all and not sure what to do. </p> <p>In April, she and my dad both got Covid and she didn't tell me and in fact went out of her way to lie to me about it during the daily Facetime calls we were doing. Her rationale was that she didn't want to bother me. This wasn't the first time she'd done this - she's hidden surgeries from me, etc. - but it really upset me. I didn't say anything because I didn't really think it would do any good and frankly I was tired and overwhelmed myself. It took her 3 months to say a word about it, even though she knew I knew and knew I talked to my dad about it all and how much it bothered me, and when she finally did say something, it was in a brush-off "not a big deal" way that completely minimized how much it affected me. Since that time, she hasn't once texted or called me to talk, even though we were regularly before that. Again the rationale is that she doesn't want to bother me, even though I never alluded to being bothered. And though she never calls me herself, she will periodically say things like "well, I haven't talked to mommy in a while, she doesn't call me" to my daughter during their 2X/week Facetimes. In the summer, we went on a vacation thanks to a friend lending us a house on the beach unexpectedly, and when my daughter innocently asked if Bubbie could come during their Facetime, my mother said "mommy doesn't want me there." We hadn't even talked about us going at that point, the news was all of 2 hours old. The most recent thing is this week - when everything was going on at the Capitol, no one from my family checked in with us. My husband works at the Capitol, and we had friends and people we hadn't talked to in years checking in, but my parents and brother, nothing. That day was a Facetime day for my mom and my daughter, and my mom asked me how things are and I said they suck (my daughter was out of earshot) and she asked why and I said have you seen the news today and her response was "oh, the protest? what about it?" I left it alone. The next day she called me and tearfully apologized for not checking in with us (who knows what prompted that, I was very surprised). I told her I understood that she was preoccupied (my brother has Covid right now and work is pretty awful for her, so I get it to some extent) but that to us what's happening is a big deal. She then proceeded to unload a whole ton of her own emotional crap on me like how she feels "outcast" and how no one listens to her or respects her opinions (no idea what she's talking about) and then she hung up on me with "I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person and mother." Of course I am ever the caretaker so I texted her and told her that we're fine, no one is mad, I'm sorry she feels how she feels, what can I do to help. She didn't respond. And then I got mad at myself because f' that. I feel like I'm basically being gaslighted now. </p> <p>She and my daughter have an incredible relationship and I don't want to ruin that in any way, but I'm just really not sure what to do at this point for my own relationship with her. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted and if it weren't for my kiddo, I probably would just disconnect for a while, but I don't really want to do that. Would love any suggestions/stories/commiseration/perspectives I haven't considered. </p>