https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 22 Apr 2026 14:26:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1677254 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:39:20 +0000 littlebug 1677254@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: I LOVE that quote!</p> <p>I didn't do a WHOLE lot of reading on parenting styles before D was born. Mostly I read about labor, delivery, and the early days of having a newborn. I did read Happiest Baby and I also read Bringing Up Bebe. The first was because a hundred million people recommended it, and the second was because it just piqued my interest. We used the 5Ss and it turned out to be a game-changer for us. My sister tried it with her baby and it did nothing. </p> <p>Now that D is 16+ months, I read parenting tips and books and stuff and I pick out what I think will apply and work for him. Now that I know him better, I have a pretty good idea of what will and won't work for him. So I can read something and say, "Hmm, that's a really great idea, but it won't work for D." But I'll keep it in my back pocket for potential future babies who may have completely different personalities from D. </p> <p>So yes, I read a fair amount. Because I like to and I find it interesting. I'm currently reading Far From the Tree. Do I have a child with dwarfism or a child who is deaf? No. But I find all of the different approaches to parenting those children fascinating, and find myself thinking a lot about I think we might handle/embrace those situations if we did. </p> <p>I don't think it ever hurts to arm yourself with information. You never know when you'll be facing a situation and go, "Wait, I remember reading this...,maybe that will work!" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1677208 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:27:25 +0000 lizzywiz 1677208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@scg00387: @Arden: @Torchwood: I think I fall into this camp. I definitely research but don't subscribe to one philosophy in its entirety.<br /> When I am deciding whether to do something #1 is that it works for our whole family, not just baby. Sometimes that ended up being baby led, sometimes not.<br /> My husband and I discuss a lot. He works with abused and neglected children so he really prioritizes making sure LO is happy and attached. He is not on-board with anything like CIO. He is less likely to worry about the smaller things (eating habits, discipline, etc). I worry about those exact things because I am the one spending the most time with her alone and food throwing got old a year ago, lol.</p> <p>I go with my gut when it feels like we are heading in the right direction with a new intervention or plan but I HAVE to research to get ideas to try. I do not naturally know how to stop the food throwing or minimize stress during meal times or what to do when LO purposely (she is 24 month) hits Grandpa hard in the face when he kissed her goodbye. I need tips, so I research and try.</p> <p>I am going to say something that is going to be horrifying to some bees: my gut/ instinct is sometimes exactly what I should not do. Maybe it is because I grew up in a house with a lot of hitting and yelling and lack of parental involvement, I don't know. But when things are really hard, I want to hit and yell and check out, too. I don't. That is not the kind of parent I want to be, so I research and come up with new views and plans, so I never devolve into what I knew growing up or the kind of parent that some of the older generation think I should be (they wanted me to hit her for hitting GP...) I think if you had excellent models of parenting this may not be as necessary for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1677113 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 08:04:47 +0000 cmomma17 1677113@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I get it. I really like to read and research too. The positive side, I think, is that you will have an arsenal of ideas and tricks to try out when the time comes. Then you can find what works from among everything you read. I agree with all the others who said it depends on your individual child. As long as YOU don't feel like you're over-thinking it, or overwhelming yourself with information, I think you will be fine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1677096 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 07:59:39 +0000 ElbieKay 1677096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. I ignore almost all unsolicited advice. (Sometimes this means I have to pretend that I never had certain conversations with my mom!)</p> <p>2. I do some reading to get ideas.</p> <p>3. I research problems as they arise.</p> <p>4. I choose which solutions work best for my family. If necessary, I implement trial and error.</p> <p>5. I try not to get stuck in a particular mindset or philosophy. Very few hills are worth dying on when it comes to parenting.</p> <p>6. I try to pick my battles. Most things are not worth obsessing over. Some are important to me. Those are where I try to concentrate my efforts.</p> <p>This isn't rocket science. It's important work, and it's unrelenting, but if you love your kid and figure out how to set appropriate limits then the details will fall into place. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676986 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 06:32:24 +0000 looch 1676986@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: Exactly this. </p> <p>I think it makes sense to have a working knowledge of several things you can try, but the biggest "a ha" moments for me often came in the middle of the night when I was just trying several things to see what worked. </p> <p>I don't know anything about REI but I do know a fair bit of Montessori and as with anything, I believe you have to pick and choose what works for your child's learning style. I know some people think that Montessori is all about creativity and activites being child led, but if you start looking at how some of the activities are meant to be executed, you might realize that they actually don't allow for a lot of spontenaity. Again, fine for some kids, not fine for others. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676919 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 01:01:56 +0000 Dandelion 1676919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I had D almost 7 years ago, I knew nothing of the philosophies. I just did what worked. Now that I know about them, I can see where what I have dobe with him would line up with certain aspects of them. But I wouldn't dive all in to one particular view point. I just do what is working for our family. </p> <p>Instinct is the best and it goes back to caveman times. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676912 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 00:37:00 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1676912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: +1. Excellent quote! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676907 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 00:07:18 +0000 Arden 1676907@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: @scg00387: I think I'm similar to the two of you. Yes, I do listen to my gut, but my gut tells me to research and read and study and make informed choices.<br /> @scg00387 is right, it's very odd to me that people find it perfectly normal to research strollers and bottles for countless hours, but then think that you shouldn't research parenting methods.<br /> Of course reading and being prepared is going to be helpful. Of course you don't know exactly how everything is going to work with your particular child, but being armed with ideas and scientific studies to guide your approaches certainly can't hurt!</p> <p>To answer your question? I decide based on scientific research plus my gut feeling. I think humans are programmed to feel, at least to some extent, what's right for their child.<br /> If something feels wrong, it probably is. If I naturally want to keep my baby close, nurse her when she cries, and sleep inches away? That's probably what my child needs. </p> <p>So far it's working. :P </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676889 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 23:28:02 +0000 immabeetoo 1676889@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I feel like previous posters aren't responding to your question - and I think reading about parenting ideas/strategies/philosophies gets lots of side-snark for some reason (in real life and online). I'm similar to you - I enjoyed reading all across the board when pregnant, and still do to some extent. People spend hours researching and planning trips, vaccuum purchases, etc so I don't understand why it's so silly to research parenting.</p> <p>So, I tried to read lots, across the spectrum, with the idea that digesting it all would help my pendulum settle somewhere in the middle. Which is typically where I parent. I would talk to DH about ideas that either shocked or resonated with me as I came across them, we'd maybe talk about how it could play out or how we'd see it work/not work in other kids around us.</p> <p>I do agree with previous posters in that you're flat out setting yourself up for misery if you think you can have a plan and your kiddo will respond like you imagine. I know you work with kids - so did I - but it's just different when you're a parent. I think it's helpful to have some strategies and ideas ahead of events like newborn sleep issues, toddler tantrums, etc. but only to a certain extent. :grin: </p> <p>Anyways, that's what we did! And continue to do. I pick and choose, re-evaluate, and keep reading as LO grows up. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676865 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 22:45:15 +0000 birdofafeather 1676865@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: i love that quote! now that dd is here, there are things that i thought were weird pre-kids and now i TOTALLY get.</p> <p>@Weagle: a thousand times yes to your words too!</p> <p>@Cole: and i was totally going to tell @Torchwood: that i like reading and researching as well to have different tools in my toolbox. my GFs and i call it: guess and check. doesn't work? move on! ha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676864 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 22:45:10 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 1676864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@googly-eyes: totally agree! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676862 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 22:41:53 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 1676862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: for me with regards to montessori, it never feels like the right time to introduce the ideas. At 21 months my LO is just now showing interest in using toys the way they are intended to be used. I tried giving him "work" in the mintessori style and he didn't get it at all. Only recently has he shown any interest in arts and crafts a la Waldorf. I try to introduce and when I spend time putting together an activity that is rejected, that can feel frustrating. So about two months ago I stopped all that foolishness and have let him lead our activities. If I'm being completely honest, when I see pictures of six month olds doing "work" I roll my eyes! I'm just mentioning all this to say....these methods are great but try not to judge yourself or LO by a standard that they set out. There is more than one way to skin a cat, you know? Don't get me wrong...Montessori is fantastic , Waldorf is great, RIE is cool....but they are only a few decades old. A lot of what they endorse is what parents have been doing from the dawn of time, they just didn't have a book for it! So I try to feel comfortable mixing and matching. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676847 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 22:27:13 +0000 googly-eyes 1676847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cole: totally agree with everything but especially the last part! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676845 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 22:25:55 +0000 googly-eyes 1676845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I went to school for ECE/child development and while I found that useful I also just had to go with what my baby preferred! I thought we'd do more baby wearing and what not but AP wasn't for us. (And it's not the only way to foster attachment anyway.) I personally found that too much reading made me anxious with mommy guilt so there's that too. There comes a point where you also have to balance what works in your family with your ideal parenting philosophy.</p> <p>Basically it's a lot of trial and error but you'll get there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676806 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 21:39:44 +0000 Cole 1676806@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I am with you, I am a bit of an over thinker perhaps and love reading about all of these different approaches. Part of why I have loved working as a nanny is being exposed to the ways different families raise their kids-- I sort of get to try out various styles and see what I like and what isn't for me. It also means that parenting philosophy has been an on going conversation with me and my husband. I constantly bring up ideas, get his feedback we discuss. </p> <p>I have very similar views to you and I think that both of us, despite our over thinking ways, will ultimately come to the same place as others-- follow your gut and see what works when the time comes. The way I see it though by reading lots of things and being exposed to lots of ideas we wind up with a wide variety of tools in our toolbox. </p> <p>Parents often are shocked at my ability to handle certain situations with kids and think I just have magical powers. This simply isn't the case, working with kids is a skill, one that I practice and refine all of the time. The more you do it the more you pick up little tricks along the way. </p> <p>I vote you keep reading and discuss bits of it with your husband as you discover interesting ideas. I read something recently where the author advocated "experimenting" on your kids. Try things out, if it works for your family keep doing it, if not try something else. Some people hate that idea but personally I love it. And frankly, I think it works better then continuing to do the same thing expecting different results. (It was an interview with Dalton Conley, author of Parentology if you are looking for more to read :happy: ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676790 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 21:17:57 +0000 Foodnerd81 1676790@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husbands favorite quote for the early days of parenting is "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face." (Mike Tyson, about boxing, not parenting a newborn, but it works)</p> <p>Agree with everyone that we go with what works for us and our baby. I will read advice things but pick and choose what I think will work for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676789 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 21:16:51 +0000 Kemma 1676789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I do alot of reading and I tend to stick to stuff that works with my gut feelings. As Sarah from Nurshable has said, "find your tribe"! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676784 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 21:13:57 +0000 blackbird 1676784@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just kind of roll with it for now. Try things out, if they work, keep doing them. If someone is dogmatic about one philosophy and it works, great. I'm sure they are smug about it lol. And if not, well, it's nice to have other tricks in your back pocket, ya know? :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676770 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 21:05:28 +0000 catlady 1676770@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with all the previous posters! For us, it was mostly trial and error with some intuition thrown in. I read alot during pregnancy too, and I thought I had a plan, but that all goes to the wind when you're in the thick of it. If you enjoy the research, my advice would be to take it all in, try out your initial plans, but be flexible and kind to yourself if it doesn't work out. Also keep in mind that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. We do some things that are in line with attachment parenting, and some things that are not.</p> <p>The only thing that I planned to do from the get-go and have really worked hard to keep up is breastfeeding. But even with that, the details of it (like being on a schedule vs on demand, or nursing to sleep vs not) have all ended up differently than I imagined. So some of it comes down to choosing your battles, too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676768 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 21:04:25 +0000 yoursilverlining 1676768@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't subscribe to any set parenting "philosophies"; I think we try to categorize life too much these days. My parenting decisions were based on doing what worked, following my gut and using common sense. We were not fans of co-bedding prior to kids, but it got LO to immediately STTN, and now I'm a big fan. Swaddling made her super-ragey so we quit that, even though beforehand, I thought for sure we would swaddle. Parenting is a lot trial by fire; you just do what you need to do and what works for you and your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676766 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 21:03:39 +0000 Honeygold89 1676766@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Followed my guts instinct and it hasn't lead me wrong yet. LO is 15 weeks now. I do listen and take some advice but only if I feel right about it </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676758 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:59:33 +0000 MamaMoose 1676758@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Trial and error. In the moment, you will try every thing you can think of and you'll stick with what works for you and your baby. I don't have a philosophy, I have a baby who has individual needs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676757 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:59:21 +0000 wonderstruck 1676757@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Weagle: There are lots of experts that wrote books, but none of them have ever been my child's mother.</p> <p>^ I love that so much! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676754 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:57:39 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1676754@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: we've gone nearly exclusively with our guts, with a healthy dose of logic. If an idea makes sense with what we know about our kid (and what I know about kids in general; I studied early childhood development) and it also feels right when we're doing it then it becomes part of our parenting. Most of our parenting decisions revolve around respect and that's something we decided before having our kid. </p> <p>I read about RIE before our son was born and liked a lot of it, but not all of it. I thought AP was nut balls back then, but we practice a lot of that now. I totally feel you on having a game plan and I'm glad I had some strategies/ideas in mind before he was born. I just try to stay flexible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676748 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:55:26 +0000 lovehoneybee 1676748@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's great to read and have an idea of how you want to parent, as long as you don't get set on one particular philosophy, because babies are unpredictable little humans with their own agendas. I've done lots of things that I never thought I'd do because it was what E ended up NEEDING (like co-bedding, for example--wasn't on our radar. And my K'tan/Moby/Ergo are sad and mostly unused because he hated being worn, even though I was gung-ho about it. Swaddling? Swinging? Any other 5S? HAHAHAHA not my kid!!!) </p> <p>For however much I read of whatever before he came, I've found that the only thing I really need is my gut. @Weagle: nailed it: "There are lots of experts that wrote books, but none of them have ever been my child's mother". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676744 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:53:28 +0000 wonderstruck 1676744@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loveisstrange: +1</p> <p>There were many philosophies I loved that just didn't work for my baby at all. For example, I was positive I would have baby sleep in our room for a million different reasons that I could have detailed in-depth. But then he was actually born, and I quickly discovered that every little noise he made in his sleep woke me up, and then when I woke up he would wake up. After a couple months of zero sleep and a very crabby family, we switched it up and life got a million times better. There were other strategies I thought would be a last resort that ended up working super well for my baby once we made our way there. And some stuff I'd heard was super helpful, like EASY scheduling, did nothing but make me a miserable clock-watcher.</p> <p>Basically, I wish I'd spent a lot less time trying to make these strategies work. There was so many thoughts of, "If I just keep being consistent..." and driving myself nuts with all my reasons of why this way was supposed to be better. I wish I'd been more open to trying new strategies much sooner than I was. Once I let that stuff go everything got so much easier. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676743 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:53:23 +0000 shopaholic 1676743@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: Mostly my gut, and what is better for everyone involved all-around. I think before LO arrived, I had too many preconceived notions and other people's advice. I think I let too many people use their own experiences or selective memory, guide some of my early decisions and I wouldn't want to do that again. (i.e. "Don't let a baby use a pacifier. Don't let the baby suck her thumb." Well, those people had no suggestions on how to let a baby self-soothe without anything. And by the time we introduced a paci, she was not having it.)</p> <p>I'm too easily convinced by "research" on both sides of most topics, so I try not to let books and blogs, etc. influence me too much. I just try to trust my own maternal instinct. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676731 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:49:46 +0000 Weagle 1676731@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loveisstrange: @grizz: I totally agree with both of you. There are a million things I never thought I would do, or I thought I would do but didn't because I make choices based on my child alone. There are lots of experts that wrote books, but none of them have ever been my child's mother. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676722 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:47:23 +0000 Torchwood 1676722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@loveisstrange: And as I said before, I know most people don't recommend reading as much as I do, but I genuinely enjoy it. I've been reading books on parenting and child development since long before we started TTC. I'm considering going back to school for that once we're done having kids and they're old enough to be in school. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-decide#post-1676714 Tue, 03 Jun 2014 20:45:20 +0000 Boheme 1676714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had to just kind of play it by ear once my baby arrived. There were things I swore I would, or wouldn't, do that turned out to be the total opposite in real life. You just have to do what works. This quote pretty much sums up my first year of motherhood - "Let my words, like vegetables, be tender and sweet, for tomorrow I may have to eat them." </p>