https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 06 Apr 2026 21:50:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2381131 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 22:36:01 +0000 hilsy85 2381131@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Freckles: ha definitely limits my options! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2381125 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 22:30:01 +0000 Freckles 2381125@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: ha ha isn't it the BEST when you're babywearing and dealing with a tantrum throwing kid? :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2381124 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 22:29:27 +0000 Freckles 2381124@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: one day DD threw a raging tantrum at the bookstore bc she didn't want to leave (despite giving warnings). I find that the crazier she gets the calmer I get. It was SO embarrassing. Plus, I was babywearing DS so I couldn't pick her up. I calmly told her we were leaving and that if she doesn't calm down then I wasn't going to bring her to the bookstore. I walked away and she went even crazier. Anyways finally she calmed down but cried all the way downstairs, cried while we were waiting at the bus stop and cried on the bus and cried all the way on the walk home. Anyways, I guess I act the same way in public as I do at home. I have learned to stop giving a crap about what others think. Oh but at restaurants or cafés we remove her right away! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2381110 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 22:15:36 +0000 hilsy85 2381110@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: totally depends on where we are! If we're at the playground, I kind of just let him do it--he tantrumed today (he's 3) because he didn't want to share the swings. He lay down on the ground and was screaming. I was wearing DD who is 7 weeks so I couldn't even pick him up if I wanted to. So I just waited it out. At a restaurant, I remove him immediately. At a store, depends how necessary the errand is! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2381077 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 21:34:31 +0000 SweetiePie 2381077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: Ahhhh Santa. Yea that will be effective one day :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2381068 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 21:22:44 +0000 PrincessBaby 2381068@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: The advice above really has helped me a lot, but my LO mainly only tantrums at home when she's hungry or tired. I rarely have her out when either of those things are a possibility. But one thing that I've been enjoying is getting to use the Santa threat now that she's old enough to understand Santa. She started to whine for a toy in Target and I reminded her that if she's not good, Santa won't come and bring her any toys. It's SUPER effective :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2380990 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 20:04:09 +0000 SweetiePie 2380990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Freckles: Oh yes I should clarify. I don't mean his tantrums NOW at 15 months. I meant for the threenager tantrums, the advice given seems like FANTASTIC advice for home and I think it can even be applied now at 15 mos. But for the 3 year old epic tantrums I hear about so much, do any of these also apply in public? Do you let them tantrum but move them to a less public place first (like your car or a different room).<br /> Basically I'm looking ahead to when he is 3, how is it dealt with if in public? I feel like id have a much lower threshold because I'm so afraid of having THAT kid and being judged. So I wouldn't want to give him much time to cause a scene. But I also wouldn't want to lose my cool and drag him out in a big scene. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2380983 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 19:52:58 +0000 Freckles 2380983@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: I find that the way I dealt with DD when she was 15 months was sooo different from when she was 3. If it's a major meltdown i give her a couple of chances to calm down. If she doesn't then we leave, and deal with it at home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2380978 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 19:48:47 +0000 SweetiePie 2380978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know this is a few days old now, but I just came across it as we are at 15 months and having some mini tantrums. But, fortunately, they are mini and they are at home. Nothing like what has been described here for threenagers (and that scares me). A lot of the techniques described seem great for home (let it play out, put them in their room to freak out, finish their cry, etc) and have already changed my outlook on how to deal with his mini tantrums tomorrow. But I wonder how to handle them in public when the time comes? If your kid throws a major meltdown tantrum in a store or on a playground, what do you do? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2375078 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 23:41:53 +0000 Boogs 2375078@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Oxana: I am legitimately curious where you read/learned about the techniques you use? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2374706 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 17:35:30 +0000 lovehoneybee 2374706@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: Dude, 3 is so hard. I didn't really understand the term "Threenager" until now. It really makes me question our sanity in deciding to have another kid. </p> <p>I really don't have anything useful to add about the militant, barbaric spanking discussed earlier, except to say that it really horrified me. Children, especially toddlers, have such BIG emotions, and I think learning how to work through them is a very important skill. And 10/10 times I would rather deal with a child pushing his (and my) boundaries rather than a child who is meek and obeys because they are scared of me. That's neither the kind of child I want nor the kind of parent (or person) I want to be. </p> <p>I think it's completely okay to let a child work through a tantrum (at home, anyway....if we're in public we immediately leave...I won't subject other people to that). Or at least I fall somewhere between letting him getting it out and helping him along. When E starts we usually set him on the step (sometimes I have to sit next to him or hold him in my lap). I tell him I know he's upset, and we can talk about it once he's turned off his tears. I let him scream or cry or whatever, and just keep (calmly) telling him that we can talk once he's calmed his body down. Once he's calm we immediately address the source of the tantrum. "I want to talk about what just happened" Usually he'll tell me it made him sad that x,y,z happened, but sometimes I help it along "I know it made you really sad that I told you couldn't have/do x,y,z. I'm sorry I made you sad, but this is why..." He's a smart kid, and "Because I said so" doesn't work. </p> <p>I know it's not that easy for everyone, but it's important to me that we at least try to respect and help him work through his emotions. </p> <p>And sometimes, when none of that works, I send him up to his room for some alone time (for both of us!) and sit and talk to him a bit later. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2374679 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 17:07:03 +0000 MoonMoon 2374679@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This thread is so helpful to me and I even discussed this topic in my therapy session today! It really comes down to letting babies and kids feel their feelings, and slowly setting and example of how to deal with those feelings. I know I feel very helpless and anxious when my son has a tantrum, especially in public. Part of it is just the fight or flight reaction to noise, but part of it is my own baggage, fear of being a bad parent, being judged, etc. I feel very guilty when I raise my voice or lose patience, but I'm trying to keep perspective and show my son that, he might not always get what he wants, but his feelings will always be validated.</p> <p>As to the physical violence/abuse mentioned earlier in the thread... I just go by the adage "live by the sword, die by the sword." I won't hit my child because I don't want us to live in a violent world, where he learns that's an option for solving a problem. People mentioned it's considered ok in the south, and I can't help but think the south also has higher rates of crime, divorce, teen pregnancy, incarceration/executions, etc... I can't help but think these things might be interrelated, and I want no part in that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2374552 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 15:31:00 +0000 avivoca 2374552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlebug: You know, I find myself telling my husband that too. "I need to just cry, okay?" or "I just need time to be mad, I'm not going to get over it just like that." I need to remind myself (and my husband) that our child likely feels the same way and we don't always have to fix it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2374547 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 15:28:38 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2374547@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lion: @littlebug: Right around when my son turned 3, he had a tantrum leaving school and I was trying to "help" him calm down in the car. He said to me "I just can't get happy." I always remember that if he's crying of tantrumy - he needs time to get his feelings out &amp; I personally hate people making me feel like my emotions aren't valid so I try hard to not make him "get over it". </p> <p>@PrincessBaby: I totally understand what you described about not raising a "brat". Im starting to realize that our kids have a LOT of learning &amp; time to figure out how to be good people and many ways to not "spoil" them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2374323 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 12:33:47 +0000 KT326 2374323@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: 3 is so hard! My son is 3.5 and I have finally learned that he just needs to cry it out. If we are at home, he has to go to his room. When he is ready to talk about it he comes and gets me and we sit in his rocking chair to talk about what happened and how he is feeling, as well as how it makes me feel. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2374284 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 12:03:33 +0000 sorrycharlie 2374284@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: hugs. 3 year olds are cray cray. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2373921 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 08:25:36 +0000 littlebug 2373921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: It has taken (is still taking) me a long time to figure this out. It's so hard to let them "finish the cry" (I love that thought, @Mrs. Lion) because - for me - I just want the noise to stop! And I also live in kind of a constant state of fear that my kids will be labeled "brats" because they cry when they don't get to do or have something they want. My husband's family is SUPER judgey, and every time D starts to throw a fit, all I hear is the commentary they've made about other kids in the family, and I just want to make it stop so they don't talk about my kids that way. That's something I have to overcome on my own, and it's been really really *really* hard.</p> <p>On the other hand, I very distinctly remember times as a kid when I would get upset about something and need to cry and get even more upset because my parents were telling me to stop crying and get over it. I have a very concrete memory once of telling my mom, "I just need to cry, ok? Just leave me alone!" I was older, probably 6 or 7, but still. That stuck with me all these years later. I don't ever want my kids to feel that.</p> <p>We're all in the trenches here with you, Mama. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2373919 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 08:17:54 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2373919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2373911 Tue, 01 Dec 2015 07:49:23 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2373911@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: I saw this in my fb feed this morning and it reminded me of this conversation. I struggle with wanting to fix things too, and before I used to feel the same way....that tantrums needed to be fixed. The idea that they don't changed me completely. Lots of hugs to you. You're doing a great job &lt;3 </p> <p><a href="http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2015/11/i-just-have-to-finish-my-cry.html?m=1" rel="nofollow">http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2015/11/i-just-have-to-finish-my-cry.html?m=1</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2373760 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 22:11:03 +0000 LovelyPlum 2373760@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: I just want to say that you are an awesome mom. You've always been so honest on here, and I appreciate that. I hope things get easier :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2373747 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 21:55:35 +0000 PrincessBaby 2373747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wanted to do individual replies after the girls went to bed, but obviously, after 4 pages of everyone's help, I can't manage that.</p> <p>After reading everyone's comments and advice, it occurred to me that when she has a tantrum, I don't actually have to stop it. That never occurred to me before.</p> <p>I honestly kind of live in fear of producing spoiled brats. We live well. And we are good to our kids. We both work hard and unfortunately are both away sometimes. It does make me give in more. I want to "make up" for things. We have demanding jobs, but we truly give them everything. We want to. Neither of us had anything close to what they have.</p> <p>So I guess I felt the need to stop the tantrum because I wanted to show her that she can't act like a complete brat just because she can't get what she wants. But you guys have shown me that she's not doing that. She's just normal.</p> <p>I have learned a lot from all of you today and I'm very very grateful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2373726 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 21:28:32 +0000 rattles 2373726@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>L went through this just shy of 2.5, and it is the worst, most helpless feeling. If I tried to put her in her room while she was freaking out, she would revolt by trashing it. Everything thrown to the floor. Her little rocking chair hoisted over her head like a Hulk impersonation and hurled into her headboard. Climbing onto the dresser and pulling the art down from the walls. I couldn't figure out how to calm her, and it was a nightmare. </p> <p>I agree with others that my reaction plays a huge role in how quickly the situation de-escalates. How are H's language skills these days? I found that once L was better able to name and articulate her feelings, she was able to recover more quickly. Some of the Daniel Tiger episodes about being frustrated and jealous were useful to us.</p> <p>I'm sorry you're in this stage! Be kind to yourself, and hopefully she'll learn to do the same. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2373580 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 19:15:52 +0000 pinkcupcake 2373580@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have nothing new to really add to the conversation - everyone has already given some great advice and thoughts on how to handle difficult behavior. </p> <p>@Mrs. Lion: I don't think I could have said it any better than you did here: "The other is trust. children obey because they trust the person in their life who is giving instruction has their best interest in mind. spanking will never obtain this goal." My husband and I often mention how lucky we are that our 3.5 is so well behaved and listens well, and I think it comes down to trust. She trusts that when we say no to something, it's because it's in her best interest. I think she's a mature child for her age, but she understands why she shouldn't run in a kitchen when we are cooking, or why she shouldn't run in a parking lot. We reason with her, we always take the time to explain to her WHY we say no. I never want to say no without telling her the rationale behind it. I can see how this wouldn't work for all children, but I have found it works very well for us. </p> <p>It would break her, absolutely break her heart, if we ever spanked or raised a hand against her. I would rather parent based on trust and mutual respect than fear or submission. I never want her to be afraid of me or listen only because she is submitting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/4#post-2373544 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 18:37:16 +0000 jaguar 2373544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@dagret: I think that's definitely important! Read a lot, research a lot, and use what works best for you &amp; your family. </p> <p>I try and look at it from a learning perspective for ME.. DD is little, she's learning.. but I'm learning too. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/3#post-2373437 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 16:51:25 +0000 .twist. 2373437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LuLu Mom: I have said "That is making mommy angry!" and he says "NO, it isn't". Like... how do I even respond? LOL </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/3#post-2373436 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 16:49:43 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2373436@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kemma: I totally agree. There is a difference between yelling because we are imperfect and mess up (um, I did this today....) but like @LuLu Mom: said, we can recognize that it wasn't our goal and apologize and move on. Nobody is perfect...not our children and certainly not us &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/3#post-2373434 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 16:47:31 +0000 LuLu Mom 2373434@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kemma: I couldn't agree with this more. Have I had an occasional outburst out of frustration sure, but I ALWAYS apologize and make sure DD knows she is safe and loved and that is something i need to make sure she knows constantly. Even though sh has a "tough" mentality, she's very softhearted and i know words hurt her.</p> <p>I usually play into emotions to discipline her such as "that hurts mommy when she you say that" or "it makes me sad when you don't listen" it works about 75% of the time ;) The other 25% she's already "gone" and only separation/time out works to calm her down. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/3#post-2373407 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 16:33:02 +0000 daniellemybelle 2373407@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PrincessBaby: I don't have any advice but just know that you are not alone &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/3#post-2373402 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 16:30:43 +0000 Kemma 2373402@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lion: I believe that the home is the one place children shouldn't have to worry about being afraid and whether it's by physical or verbal means, hurting a child is never cool. We've all lashed out at some point in our parenting journey because we're all learning on the job and we're only human but I couldn't imagine deliberately choosing to hurt my child as my preferred method of parenting.</p> <p>@princessbaby: my biggest parenting win has been learning not to be afraid of the tantrums or the big feelings and I find I'm able to parent much more effectively when I don't take A's actions personally. You're doing a great job so drink wine and keep on keeping on! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-discipline-when-nothing-works/page/3#post-2373380 Mon, 30 Nov 2015 16:19:47 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2373380@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also want to add one more point....There are two ways to get our children to do what we want. 1 is through submission and control. spanking meets that need, but there are other ways to do this as well. children may obey, but it's because they are afraid. </p> <p>The other is trust. children obey because they trust the person in their life who is giving instruction has their best interest in mind. spanking will never obtain this goal. </p> <p>for me, I would prefer trust to describe my relationship with my children. disobedience and boundary pushing will happen in either example, and I do believe in allowing natural consequences. but never instilling fear. I can't see how any good could ever come from making my children feel afraid of me. </p>