https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Apr 2026 19:41:22 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850271 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 23:26:38 +0000 Amorini 2850271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: This might be shot in the dark....taking it from another angle since your original question is about the impasse...</p> <p>Backing up the truck a second, your DH seems like he might be shut down because he does not feel heard. It might be a trigger for him to feel shot down again and again.. You have to ask yourself if you are genuinely willing to listen (the why behind the why he wants a house) and own your part in the impasse (i.e. have you possibly contributed to this by beating him with logic to crush his dreams maybe?). Then, when he trusts that it’s a two-way dialogue, he’ll open up again. He might even show more willingness for a measured plan like others have suggested. I would guess he’s wallowing right now and possibly also feeling emasculated because you are so damn smart and have his logic beat. Probably the most important thing about the impasse is not who wins but how you both feel about yourselves and each other through it and after it. House or condo, your relationship health itself has to be prioritized above it, especially because it’s so dicey on this topic for you two. There actually might be a lot riding on this decision for you two.</p> <p>So I am like you and manage the finances. I drive a lean ship in that respect. My DH is in general more passive and I’m the household project manager. Over time I see that this dynamic has helped create some similar impasses and resentments. Talking with my best friend the other night, I had this breakthrough: even if I am right about stuff, I am wrong to try to manage DH into aligning with my viewpoint on the big stuff. There has to be room for both of us, especially if I want to shed my household project manager role and feel like there’s more sharing and more alignment on the big stuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850052 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:56:10 +0000 MrsBucky 2850052@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: yea at the end of the day you can't own his resentment. You've done everything you can do on your side, now he has to step up. If he can't, he won't get what he wants and will resent you, but that's on him. still sucks for you though. :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850051 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:54:35 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2850051@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: we've done that, and financially we're in the "manageable" spot, so he's hanging on to that, whereas I'm thinking why not give ourselves a bit more of a cushion that puts is into a comfortable spot. Honestly, I wish he'd find someone to talk to about this and hear some other perspectives, but it's not really his style (or he just confirms his own POV). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850048 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:53:15 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2850048@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBucky: Yes, minus the setting the date. I've said that to him multiple times, and again yesterday nearly verbatim. I'm usually the problem solver/talker in our relationship, so I'm not sure if he'll do anything with it, but I'm running out of ideas too and it may just need to be left alone until he finds a sense of urgency about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850047 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:51:42 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2850047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: It's not ridiculous at all, I agree with you and I need to do that. I've been trying to do what I usually do and find a way to get us to discuss and find a compromise/comfortable solution, but I think I'm running out of approaches to try, except just being blunt and leaving it up to him. I said to him yesterday that he can't buy a house without me and if he wants me to get on board he needs to help me understand why his timeline and approach is the right one, because (common sense) that's how you get people on board. I think he heard that, we'll see if he actually does something with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850045 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:49:33 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2850045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Madison43: I totally hear that. My husband's culture has an expectation that the oldest son takes care of his parents, and my husband is the oldest son. His culture is also very avoidant on this topic, so he has never actually had a conversation with his parents about whether they want to live with us or would rather be taken care of independently (or he knows the answer and doesn't want to tell me, which wouldn't surprise me, frankly). So to an outsider I totally see how the career change + potential move away don't make sense, but in our context, they're both very real things, he's just in denial/avoidance about one of them. And his career shift can happen outside where we live now - his career is portable, mine is less so, but both of us are adamant we don't want to leave this area, I just think we may not have a choice given his family's circumstances. Unfortunately we wouldn't be able to rent our condo and make back what we pay in mortgage+condo fee, so that isn't an option for us, otherwise I'd definitely entertain it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850037 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:37:03 +0000 hummusgirl 2850037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Could you meet together with a financial planner and lay it all out on the table and see what they say from a neutral third party? </p> <p>I'm sorry, this sounds rough. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850031 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:26:19 +0000 MrsBucky 2850031@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: have you said that to him? Literally “I want to discuss this, and I appreciate you hearing me out but when there isn’t a substantive response, it feels like you just want me to solve all the issues and if I don’t, you’ll resent me. Do you need time to think about it and discuss it with fully formed thoughts later? If so, can we set a date for that when you feel like you’ll have had enough time to think it through and come ready to reall discuss it?” </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850027 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:21:57 +0000 psw27 2850027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: Maybe this is a ridiculous response, so feel free to ignore me - but I would just stop engaging in this conversation. I think you have presented your arguments, your logic, your financial concerns, your reasons for waiting - and he just doesn't want to hear it/doesn't care/is in a stubborn place. I think that for the next few discussions, I would have the same response if he brought up a house "I tried to speak to you about my perspective and you refused to engage in a real conversation. Until you're ready to do that, I don't want to talk about houses any longer." Put the onus on him to bring a real conversation to the table. You did do what he wanted - you listed the house, made renos, etc. and it didn't work out. So until he's ready to have a conversation - a real two sided conversation - I would probably politely end the conversation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850018 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 09:12:08 +0000 Madison43 2850018@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As an outside observer, I think that bringing up the aging parents/ moving back to home state issue sort of makes it seem like you just don’t want a house. It’s too intangible. If I was playing devils advocate, I’d say - well, why is your husband bothering to plan a career change where you are now if you’re just leaving anyway? Whereas, the potential career change seems to be something you guys are actively working towards, and if he agrees that the job change that he wants would likely put you guys in a location where the commute was intolerable for your family, it objectively makes sense to wait to buy in a location more convenient to his new job. Without knowing what the rental market is near you, I like the idea of renting your condo and renting a single family home as a stop gap measure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850006 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 08:40:10 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2850006@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBucky: I agree, the communication is a real issue here, and I'm not sure how to move it forward. We had some time alone yesterday and I brought up again how I really want to make this work but I feel like he's not even hearing me out. I feel like he understood, but I got the usual "hm, ok" response and that's it. And I know he won't bring it up again unless I do, because he just hopes I'll work it all out on my own and come around. And if I don't, he'll just resent me. So I'm stuck, and hopefully we'll work through it but it's really frustrating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850005 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 08:36:41 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2850005@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: I wish! His perspective is that housing prices will always be rising and sooner is always better to buy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2850004 Tue, 09 Oct 2018 08:36:07 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2850004@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@dc yoga bee: I appreciate your perspective. We have all the things you outlined - I actually put them together because I manage our finances, and we're in a place currently where we can afford a house. Our disagreement is on the timeline. DH's perspective is that if we can afford it now, we should just do it. I think we would be in a better place if we waited and saved a bit more, and I do think certain life choices will affect where we move in the coming 2 years. I can see your point about the commute for example, but the likelihood of him ending up with a 2 hour commute if we move where we're looking at right now is very high, given where his industry is, and that's a huge quality of life issue for us, as 2 working parents with no family in the area. I've had 2 years to get on board with having a house, since we've been planning for it since last year (doing reno's to our condo, listing earlier this year, house hunting, etc.), so I'm in. It just seems like any concern I raise, or just saying hey, we'd be better equipped to make a good decision if we wait, automatically gets dismissed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849827 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 12:30:30 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2849827@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The housing market is supposedly going to be experiencing some price drops through 2020... maybe that will convince him of the timing! </p> <p>As for the communication stuff, we've been there sometimes but I don't have great advice. I admire how thought out you are about it though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849808 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 11:32:42 +0000 MrsBucky 2849808@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think the biggest issue here is that he won’t have a real dialogue about it. I think I’d say something like “I want to have a real conversation about this, because I know how important it is to you and I want to honor that. But if you won’t meaningfully engage with me on the risks and issues I see and come up with possible solutions, you’re not honoring what’s important to me. I want to be on the same team tackling this, not on opposing teams trying to win. “ we are torn About whether to buy also, and on slightly different timelines / preferences, so we keep renting which is the status quo. I do think it’s impossible to predict he housing market. While your husband thinks it will be more expensive in the next two years, mine is worried if we bought now/ soon there might be another crash and we’d be stuck with something we paid top of market prices for and can’t sell a la 2008. So smart and thoughtful people can disagree because the future is unpredictable! Anyway, that sounds really hard and I hope he gets to a place where y’all can talk about all the factors and weigh them- including how important a Home is to him, so you both feel heard. I find when there is a situation where one spouse has to “lose” because there is no compromise, they need to articulate the terms of that loss that will help them not resent it. For you, if you did but, what would you need from him to not resent him? Not sure if that makes sense. Regardless, I’ve got my fingers crossed for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849797 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 10:58:30 +0000 dc yoga bee 2849797@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: thisis a tough one. My Dh is more like you and I am like your Dh. A home is very important to me and something we discussed before getting married. I would feel like you were trying to get out of getting a house and honestly that’s when I would start resenting you. And it’s hard as heck when the other person doesn’t want to have an open dialogue about it. If it was a large part of his dream I would try to support it within reason. Like what’s your plan, budget, realistic timeframe. You don’t want things to come across like you’re trying to find a way out. Like a hypothetical commute in the future for a job you haven’t even applied to yet? That would honestly bother me. I would keep trying to keep dialogue open. I’ve been in this boat. What helped us the most was having a plan we could both agree on. 20xx we will have x saved up and agree to start looking. If that’s where you’re at then I would support it especially if you previously agreed and can see how much it means to Dh. And hopefully if there is something you’re passionate about you would get the same support! We’ve moved with kids twice and it honestly wasn’t that bad for us. Moving sucks in general and I did it every two years growing up in a military family. Kids are resilient! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849789 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 10:45:43 +0000 808love 2849789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>From what I’ve read and seen, the housing market had been softening. Rent has been staying the same or cheaper and houses are in the market longer due to oversupply. I think you have enough reasons to stay. Just be empathetic to DH and he will come around. I get itchy to move even though it makes no sense. What has been helping me is doing different out of the box activities to help me enjoy the stability of home. Have you thought about renting out your house and renting somewhere else? Sometimes it is the exact same amount. It is just another thought to see if it is the location or the economics. Also with career changes looming, I’m even more prone to staying put. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849753 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 08:43:04 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2849753@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also re: it will be more expensive in 2 years....I really don’t think anyone can predict the housing market and I wouldn’t plan based on that. It’s ALWAYS expensive whether now or 10 years from now. You already couldn’t sell your house once and that is the most important thing to figure out. As you can tell, your DH would be frustrating me as well haha :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849749 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 08:37:52 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2849749@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Pros and cons list! I think your concerns are very valid. Moving with kids SUCKS. So I would not want to be rash on this decision and in two years you hate it/need to move again because of the commute, parents, etc. Maybe frame it as you want to do this once and make it your forever home so you guys really need to weigh the options. To me, commute and the realistic day to day impact on where you live and work is the most important factor in where you end up. I would not be moving until my job was stable so that may shelve it right there. </p> <p>As for your husbands lack of communication, I would be very frank: if he can’t make a realistic list of pros and cons and discuss this in depth, the discussion is closed. Just ‘wanting to’ isn’t enough. It seems like he is more tied to the emotion of owning a home and you the logical side. Selling and buying is a huge PITA, with lots of hidden costs, logistics, maintenance and lots of things I think he isn’t thinking of. And now you have a kid in school, let alone trying to sell a house. </p> <p>We moved when DS was 18 months and absolutely do not plan to move again unless something unexpected happened where we lost our jobs or something. I can see his side of wanting that next step of home ownership but he needs to discuss it without emotion before you take that step. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849747 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 08:27:48 +0000 Grace 2849747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: I can see waiting. Does extreme sympathy from you about how a house right now would be great, but that not knowing where to buy makes it hard. How about going to open houses to help narrow down what kind of house you’d like? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849743 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 07:47:16 +0000 misolee 2849743@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband is like this too. If he's stuck on one thing, he won't let up either. </p> <p>We went from a townhome to a home four years ago. It was a good decision for us later on bc we ended up with three kids since then, but my husband was the one pushing it more in the beginning. Just some other things to think about that we realized later on after home ownership vs townhome.</p> <p>-more $$ needed to fill the bigger house (we had to buy a dining room table, breakfast table, tv stand thing, guest bedroom furniture, etc all within couple of years of home purchase bc we didn't have it or our old ones wouldn't work)<br /> -we also had to spend a considerable amount on the outside that we never had to worry about before with a townhome (all included in hoa before). We had to purchase a lawnmower, trimmer, other smaller outside equipment like rakes, shears, etc. $$ also every year to re-mulch and redo the flowers, etc. All the outside things fall on my husband and he enjoys it but someone has to do it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849720 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 05:21:49 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2849720@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bhbee: we had that very conversation yesterday actually and he argues that it would be more expensive to buy in 2 years so we should do it now because anything we’d save wouldn’t get us anything more. Which might be true to some extent but I think he’s exaggerating, and we would pay down more of our current mortgage and walk away with more to put toward a down payment. I manage all the money in our family so I’ve already worked through a budget, what we can afford now, etc, so all that is coming from me anyway. At this point he’s just ignoring all that whenever I express any hesitation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849719 Mon, 08 Oct 2018 05:19:17 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2849719@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Grace: his commute may change enough that where we are looking to buy right now would be way too far to live and commute from reasonably. It might make sense to move closer to the area where he might be working, but because it’s not a sure thing we can’t make that call right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849710 Sun, 07 Oct 2018 23:12:02 +0000 bhbee 2849710@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Second above re communication - that makes it so hard. </p> <p>What if you tried to do some future house planning as a good faith gesture? Like set up a new savings account and plan the amount you can put in it each month, then do some projections about how much additional you’d have to spend in say two years. You could even look at listings and see what the extra $ could get you. Not at all sure it would help but crossed my mind so thought I would throw it out there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849703 Sun, 07 Oct 2018 21:47:48 +0000 Grace 2849703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why does the changed commute come to play? Makes it hard to decide where to buy? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849700 Sun, 07 Oct 2018 20:14:42 +0000 Chuckles 2849700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Communication issues, especially when the other person *won't* communicate, are so frustrating. I don't have really good advice, but I just wanted to send support. I hope your therapist can give you some good tips for dealing with your DH's behavior, or at least help you process so that it doesn't start to impact other parts of your relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-impasses-with-dhso#post-2849697 Sun, 07 Oct 2018 19:41:50 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2849697@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Would love ideas/perspectives. </p> <p>DH really wants to buy a house. We have a condo that we’ve owned for 9 years and we could use another bedroom but overall there is no compelling reason for us to buy a house, other than him really wanting to. I never lived in a house so for me this is really not a huge thing but because it’s so important to him, I’ve gotten on board. </p> <p>Earlier this year we put our condo on the market and it didn’t sell after 5 months and multiple price drops. No one really could help us figure out why- the place is in good condition and similar units were selling- but alas. We went off market because LO was starting kinder and we didn’t want to be in staging/selling mode during that transition. </p> <p>DH wants to try again next year. And I don’t. I want to support his dream but I have this feeling it’s not the right time for us. In 2 years, DH is looking at a major career shift that would change his commute dramatically. We have 2 sets of aging parents (his especially) who will be reliant on us and that may force us to move back to our home state (neither of us want to but I think it may be necessary, something DH just refuses to address). We just stopped paying for daycare and I’d like to use that savings to save up more money for a house. Whenever I bring all this up, DH burrows in and blames all this on my never really wanting a house anyway. Which isn’t true, but he can’t give me any good reason to make this huge move other than him really wanting to. </p> <p>Our biggest issue is that DH is very conflict avoidant so when I want to discuss this, he shuts down or gets resentful. I’ve worked really hard (including in therapy, which he refuses to do with me) to make sure I wasn’t protesting because of my own reluctance with house ownership, and I’m constantly trying to see his side of things but we’re in a place now where I really don’t think it’s the right time and he won’t talk to me about it to make me feel otherwise, and I have no idea what to do other than just constantly being the bad guy. </p> <p>What do you all do when you’re stuck like this, especially on a major decision like this? Any ideas for what I can do here? </p>