https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 05 Jun 2026 19:49:14 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1182969 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 18:12:36 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1182969@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Honeybee: @Mrs. Jacks: I taught preschool (3s &amp; 4s) for a whole and agree with @mjane: that its not an unusual stage for kids that age. If it my my student I might not have been concerned. It's okay to address it &amp; try to make it a positive event, but she may grow out of it. It's kind of like speech: some kids mix up their 'r' &amp; 'w' sounds until 5 &amp; some never do, but they're both typical :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1182841 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 16:53:36 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1182841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Honeybee: we'll see how much is personality and how much is behavioral. I guess we'll find out as they grow! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1182645 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 15:43:28 +0000 Honeybee 1182645@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: interesting that it might be a developmental stage! DD doesn't have the self-criticizing but sometimes she is a perfectionist about other things (organization, for one) and I always just assumed it was a part of her personality. I wonder if our girls will ease up a bit as they get older? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181876 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 11:52:53 +0000 mjane 1181876@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As a former 3's teacher I agree that it's not unusual, but I second the suggestion to have her pick a favorite. This worked well in a kindergarten class I worked in. </p> <p>I do think it is VERY likely a stage that will pass once she gains more mastery of writing. (Unlike drawing or say, building, most of the examples of print she sees are typed and therefore perfect. That's hard to reconcile with preschool handwriting.) If she's not upset, it may be something that is just no fun to watch but must be endured! And talking about accepting one's own work and how we build up skills by practicing never hurts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181815 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 11:27:56 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1181815@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: nice insight! I think perfectionism is pretty ego-syntonic for me. In other words, it doesn't bug me... But it does hurt me to see my daughter seemingly paralyzed with an inability to move on. So in this case, I'm just Sad that she's perseverating and criticizing her already good letters. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181732 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 11:01:07 +0000 Cherrybee 1181732@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: I asked those questions because I have noticed before how committed you are to protecting your daughter from things that have caused you anguish in the past and just wondered if maybe you saw the young you in Layla's behaviour, driving yourself to despair with a need to be perfect? I think that as long as she seems okay in herself, it's fine to let her practice over and over - it certainly shows that she is a hard working girl who perseveres. And while it is okay to be "good enough", it is also okay not master everything first time and to work hard to improve. </p> <p>That said, I am dreadfully self critical and my pathological need to be perfect was revealed during some counselling a few years back to be the root cause of 10 years of clinical depression (from 15-25). So it is serious stuff and Layla is very lucky to have a mum who notices such things and keeps an eye on it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181666 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 10:44:29 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1181666@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I definitely have perfectionist tendencies, but am well aware that perfect is the enemy of the good. I think most people with my job have some tendencies that way-- which is why I try and make sure that I don't exhibit them as much as possible. I do remember saying here that one of Lala's early words was "double-check" an I KNOW that came from me ;). I don't think she gets overly frustrated about it, but it does paralyze her from moving on with her work.</p> <p>@Honeybee: I will monitor closely. I was surprised that school was so blasé about it, but they seemed to be of the mindset that it's kind of developmentally appropriate right now. I trust that may be true, but I would love to see them more engaged with the issue. I do get it though. As a doc I see tons of things that parents want me to engage around that I tend to dismiss because they are non-issues and I don't want people perseverating on them... So there could be that aspect.</p> <p>Guess I'll just have to monitor! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181479 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 10:00:24 +0000 Honeybee 1181479@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: ugh. With what you were telling me on Sunday, I would feel hesitant to bring up this issue, and since they're response is at least compliance if not active encouragement, I'd be a little concerned they're contributing to the issue... I know you've already thought about this; I'm just talking it through.</p> <p>I don't know. Lala is young enough that maybe the school's involvement wouldn't have lasting results? But then again, without their support, you might not see a big enough shift in behavior? Maybe with just your support and some time Lala will become a little softer all on her own. I do think the behavior should be monitored, but you might not need an agressive intervention quite yet. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181474 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 09:58:56 +0000 Cherrybee 1181474@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: Two questions for you: </p> <p>Are you a perfectionist? </p> <p>Does your little one seem upset while she is trying over and over? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181442 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 09:50:31 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1181442@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Twine: what we've been doing is have me write a letter once then I help her with one (by holding my hand over hers) and then she does the rest.</p> <p>@Honeybee: I brought it up at school this morning and they didn't seem concerned and didn't give me any suggestions. They are seeing the behavior but say that's just her. They seemed kind of proud of it... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181131 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 08:33:57 +0000 purrpletulips 1181131@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you tried the aquadoodle products? While she wouldn't be able to erase them in her own time, they fade pretty quickly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181124 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 08:33:06 +0000 Mrs. Tiger 1181124@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wonder of you could show her a time when you're not being a perfectionist? Maybe not with letters, but drawing pictures or something else subjective? Where you could acknowledge that they weren't perfect, but they were still great, and you're glad you were practicing it.</p> <p>Another maybe weird alternative would be to show her things that are very diverse, like shells or leaves, and talk about how they are all slightly different shaped but are still great leaves/shells, whatever :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181061 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 08:19:49 +0000 looch 1181061@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I thought of two things: one could be to use dry erase crayons or pencils instead of markers, they don't smell or dry out! They wipe up with a little water on a paper towel.</p> <p>Another thing could be to look at her grip on the writing utensil, or offer a thicker/thinner one. The way we learned how to hold a pencil is apparently not what they do today. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1181020 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 08:08:39 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1181020@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not sure if I was that way when I was little, but I had tendencies in grade school. What really helped was when my 5th (or was it 6th) grade teacher made us look up, and write out a ridiculous amount of words per week. We had to write each word and definition numerous times. Now I'm not saying to made a toddler write out words repeatedly, but perhaps making a game out of seeing how many words she can write out in a given time period can help?</p> <p>ETA: I just rememebred (in case anyone's curious). It was 100 definitions each week. We got a list of 25 words we needed to look up, and had to write the definition 4 times. There was a lot of bellyaching about it as a kid, but that practice helped me immensely in high school and beyond! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180954 Tue, 29 Oct 2013 07:53:29 +0000 Honeybee 1180954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have suggestions, just hugs. I know it's probably upsetting to see L criticizing herself but I think recognizing and addressing this behavior is key. I think, with a supportive and understanding family behind her, L will become less critical and more proud of her accomplishments. :) she's such a talented little girl, and she is lucky to have a family who is so invested in supporting her.</p> <p>As an aside, I know you've had some conversations with school lately. Are you going to bring this up with them? I wonder if they've noticed this self-criticizing behavior, too? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180701 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 23:09:06 +0000 Mrs. Twine 1180701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How do you think she would respond to your doing the activity with her? Or another adult? Maybe you can really concretely model for her that way, and she can also practice a role reversal and help you pick your best letters? Is she the sort of kid who will learn and absorb emotional lessons from literature? Maybe you could choose some books about wanting things to be perfect and talk a little bit about it together. And I like all the other suggestions. With Ellie I find that just ceasing altogether for a while is useful-- but she's not one to initiate anything unless she is sure she can get it "right." The fact that L. is initiating the activity makes it a little trickier, in my mind. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180672 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 22:44:58 +0000 Sammyfab 1180672@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm...that's a toughie!!</p> <p>I think I would go in the opposite direction though, and rather than provide her with materials that make erasing/fixing/redoing easier, I'd take away the option to erase and encourage her to accept her 'less than perfect' letters. I'd avoid using words like 'perfect' and maybe ask her to pick her favourite one of however many she's written. </p> <p>ETA: I just read @JoyfulKiwi's post and I agree with all of her suggestions! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180671 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 22:44:19 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1180671@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: I think limiting the number of letters would be better. It may help her start to self-regulate as well. You can let her choose how many letters &amp; that may make her feel better about it too. Does she resist stopping after time's up? At her age a countdown of number (You did 6, you can make 4 more &amp; then it's time for a break) may be concrete than time/minutes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180663 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 22:38:10 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1180663@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoyfulKiwi: she is initiating this activity and once she starts, she doesn't like to stop. I try to limit her to a half hour. Do you think that's too long? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180653 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 22:27:30 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1180653@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Other ideas for less permanent letter practice are colored gel (like hair gel) inside a plastic bag which she can trace with pressure from her finger; flattened playdough &amp; a toothpick (or playdough inside a baggie); or a wet q-tip on a chalkboard.</p> <p>Does she initiate the letter practice? If so, maybe it'd be a good idea to talk about small goals/boundaries along the "good enough" vein. "How many letter 'F's do you want to make before you pick a new letter/choose the best one? Let's choose between 5 &amp; 10." Try to focus her on not erasing "mistakes" because they aren't bad or wrong &amp; she can learn from them. Acknowledge where appropriate "Oh yes, that is a too-large loop, but your line is very straight for this one." </p> <p>I think if she's very upset by the "wrong" ones &amp; can't let it go, it's okay to put a limit on how many letters she can make at one time. I'd also ask her to look at the ones she drew and, even if she didn't like any of them enough, have her pick which one was the best out of the set. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180642 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 22:12:28 +0000 matador84 1180642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hm. I am going to think more about this. I second the sand tray for sure. If her perfectionism specific to handwriting, there are several great iPad apps that she might have a really fun time using. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180635 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 22:05:37 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1180635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>These are ALL such fantastic ideas! Thanks for bringing your A Game to this problem! We've tried whiteboard workbooks and had similar problems. It would eventually stop erasing and we went through a number of pens... But we'll keep offering that as well. </p> <p>A sand tray might be the perfect thing. I'm definitely going to try it!</p> <p>She just keeps saying "that's not a good L. It looks more like a J. I can make a better L.". And then she erases and starts over.</p> <p>Our main go to praise has always been "You are trying so hard" but with this I felt she needed a reality check and I've said "that's a perfect F, let's move on." but she just says "no. It's not. The line isn't as straight as it should be"...</p> <p>Mr. Jacks has started saying things like "it's ok to make mistakes", but I kind of feel like that sends the wrong message (that her work has mistakes)... So I haven't followed suit... But I do like the "good enough" framing more and I'll try that.</p> <p>Keep the suggestions coming and I'll keep you posted :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180593 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 21:25:04 +0000 indi 1180593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aww, sorry to hear that, it's got to be tough to watch her be tough on herself. :-( Could you maybe make a copy or two of her worksheets so she can do a few 'drafts' and see her progress? I know she's pretty young yet, but maybe it could help her focus more on progress rather than perfection? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180592 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 21:24:34 +0000 Cole 1180592@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, and when I run into this we have conversations about how sometimes we need to try our best and sometime good enough is good enough. It is not something I would tell every child but we can't all use our best hand writing on every grocery list. We chat a lot about how to tell one time from another and what things always get our best efforts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180587 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 21:20:26 +0000 Cole 1180587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think one good option is to switch from paper and pencil to something less permanent and easier to erase. Chalk boards, dry erase, sand trays etc are all great for perfectionist little ones. Often when they know it is easy to fix it takes some of the sting out of things not being good enough. </p> <p>I have seen some perfectionist kids become more prone to giving up when their grown ups offer too much "help". Give clear directions or examples when she needs help but do not do it for her. Emphasize that practice is needed but so are times of rest. Even from a young age they understand that their body needs sleep to consolidate skills in their brain.</p> <p>Good luck, I know it can be heart wrenching to watch! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180578 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 21:17:38 +0000 junebugmama 1180578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: Our 6 year old is like this. He gets frustrated, self-critical, and is often times embarrassed to do things he might fail at in front of others. We try to help him find ways to get through things he's overly focused on. For instance, he hated coloring, because he couldn't stay in the lines. So we stopped getting coloring books and instead I would let him color the paper all over and then I would draw things around his different colored blobs so that they were actual "things" he loved this. He now colors without an issue and if he goes outside of the lines, he will then create something (lots of ants) with the extra scribbles.</p> <p>So maybe get her some paper that has letters on it already so she can trace them, or get her stencils, to practice with </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180568 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 21:14:17 +0000 mrswin 1180568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Besides encouraging her maybe you could see if you can get one of the worksheets that reusable, it uses whiteboard type markers.</p> <p>What does she say if you ask her what is wrong with it? Is it something specific she doesn't like or just in general. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-handle-perfectionist-tendencies#post-1180565 Mon, 28 Oct 2013 21:11:31 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1180565@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 3.5 year old is working really hard on her writing. I got her a new workbook this weekend and noticed that she is drawing a letter and then saying "no, no, no, that's not good enough" and then erases the whole thing and does it over and over and over.She's never happy with her work even when we praise it.</p> <p>I am at a bit of a loss and it breaks my heart a little to see her so self-critical. I try not to model any self-critical behaviors... So I don't know where this is coming from. </p> <p>I have yet to see her be happy with one of her letters and she's practically wearing through the paper with her efforts to erase and start over.</p> <p>Any thoughts? It's stressing mama out! </p>