https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 24 Jun 2026 12:29:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2763386 Mon, 31 Jul 2017 09:26:11 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2763386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: We're a "no one gets to relax until everything is finished" couple. So, if I came downstairs and saw him doing something productive, I would take some of the other stuff and asked him to help if he could. Would he not feel guilty watching TV while you cleaned up? </p> <p>In general, when we argue, it's over something that someone has said. We need time to cool down, and we'll sleep it off. In the morning, we'll both see each others' sides and apologize to each other. I think it goes a lot way to both admit that there was something that went wrong...even if it was the way you reacted to something mean he said or vice versa. You both could have handled it better. We don't really do the whole, "I don't want to be the first one to admit I'm wrong." If being right trumps getting along with your spouse, I think that's a problem. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2763351 Mon, 31 Jul 2017 08:30:43 +0000 erinbaderin 2763351@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It did not go great, actually! I went down to say "Look, let's just say we're both half right and half wrong." He had a long pause and then said "......sure." I said "No? You don't think that?" He said nothing. I got mad and went back upstairs. I ultimately went to bed, and then I was still awake when he came to bed, and he didn't talk to me, and it was super uncomfortable both of us in bed ignoring each other, so I went downstairs and read until I thought he was asleep...blah blah blah it was pretty much fine in the morning.</p> <p>Also, in my defence (although a lot of your comments about letting him do it in his own time are right, I have a real problem with expecting things to be done my way on my timeline by somebody who isn't me) it wasn't the dishes, it was feeding the cats, picking up all the food my 1 year old had dumped on the floor, and wiping out the high chair, which was coated in mashed pear (we JUST got rid of a huge fruit fly infestation that seemed to be coming out of disgusting food we found in the cracks of the high chair). But those of you who said I should have just left it for him to do were right, that was also a point he made, I just would have felt guilty sitting around watching tv while he did all the clean-up. Usually one of us puts the baby (a quick process) and then does the cleanup and the other one puts the 3 year old to bed (a less quick process) and then we both get to relax.</p> <p>It did make me think that we could maybe benefit from some therapy to learn how to deal with things like this better, because almost all of our fights are caused by me making a kind of snotty but I think mild comment and them him (in my opinion) getting super defensive and dramatically overreacting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2763327 Mon, 31 Jul 2017 07:01:31 +0000 Ajsmommy 2763327@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In our house usually we just need to cool down. A lot of times my husband will apologize (he's really good at that part.. me not so much)... But he has a worse temper and he tends to be the one to escalate things. It's usually best for me to say my piece and then leave him to himself for a bit. </p> <p>If it's something totally ridiculous then I sometimes employ humor to try to make him see how ridiculous it is.... for example this past weekend he was upset bc I didn't buy him his favorite kind of ice cream.. I bought him ice cream, just not his favorite. ( I looked for it but I swear it didnt' see it). Anyhow when he found out he said he was going to go out to an ice cream store and get something ( ie a blizzard or something) and he "wasn't going to get me anything".... like trying to get back at me. Whatever, I could care less but I called him out on it and did a weird dance and said ooo ooo I'm so happy that I am getting back at "my name", take that "my name", I am going to get some ice cream and I'm not getting any for you.. basically showing him how ridiculous he was. He of course laughed and apologized. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2763315 Mon, 31 Jul 2017 01:13:12 +0000 hummusgirl 2763315@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How'd it go? My husband is usually the one to end the detente because I am too petty and stubborn. He also is more likely to have a drink in the evening which makes him more chill. In general I try to be "slow to anger and quick to forgive" but...easier said than done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2763200 Sun, 30 Jul 2017 14:11:34 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2763200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: how'd it end up going?</p> <p>My husband and I end up with arguments that spiral, too. We usually take a break from each other and then I calm down and think about what is really making me mad because it's never really about the dishes for me - it's always about something else (which, honestly usually ends up being a dozen different things but I try to narrow it down to just one! 😄) Then I'll ask him if he's ready to talk for a bit and use my best constructive discussion skills to tell him what was bothering me. Usually this works, although the discussion can end up going on for a long time. I used to just suck it up, say sorry, and move on but our fights ended up getting worse because I had so much simmering resentment for past issues that never got resolved. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2763162 Sun, 30 Jul 2017 10:42:21 +0000 youboots 2763162@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: the breaking down the boxes yes :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2763048 Sat, 29 Jul 2017 18:08:04 +0000 ShootingStar 2763048@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I usually end up keeping to myself until DH breaks the ice. </p> <p>We've had this same type of argument a ton. DH is always doing something productive, but it's not always in the same priority order that I would set. He also tends to jump from one thing to another in an order that only makes sense to him. So while I might expect him to clean up the kitchen, he'll start by taking out the trash. Then he'll walk the dog or break down boxes in the garage for recycling. Or whatever. An hour or two will go by and I'll be like wtf, what happened with the kitchen. </p> <p>I've learned to mostly let it go. He's a grown up and he's constantly doing stuff around the house so I can't fault him for not pulling his weight. If the dishes are there in the morning, so be it. He'll probably spend half his morning cleaning up before he goes to work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2763004 Sat, 29 Jul 2017 14:13:28 +0000 Modern Daisy 2763004@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When it escalates like that we just need time to calm down and think rationally again. We rarely go to bed angry but sometimes it comes down to that. I personally need to sit back and ask myself what I was really mad about and 9 times out of 10 it actually wasn't anything that DH did, I was just projecting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762961 Sat, 29 Jul 2017 09:15:41 +0000 gingerbebe 2762961@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Preventatively I would have had the drinks and tv and then at some point just said "Hey would you finish the dishes before bed?" </p> <p>In terms of making up after the fact, I think there's a problem with "I know he will never apologize" - why is that? It's not super helpful in a long term relationship. I would also look for constructive criticism - if he was mad about you being passive aggressive ask him how he would prefer you handle the situation in the future and say well I will try to communicate better if you will try to understand why it's frustrating for me to come out of bedtime seeing a mess everywhere when I was looking forward to a clean kitchen and snuggle time.</p> <p>Also the license plate thing I could see being like a "let me do this while I'm thinking about it" move, so maybe I would give it a pass. But if my DH left the dishes to like look into refinancing the house I would totally be like bro what the heck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762921 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 23:08:54 +0000 808love 2762921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What I wish I could do: apologize no matter what<br /> What I'd like to do: we are both right, let's have a drink<br /> What I usually do: not the dishes (something of my own liking) and then let it blow off and in the morning all is well<br /> What DH would do if roles were reversed: do the dishes and seethe then forget about it in the morning </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762919 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 22:58:39 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2762919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: In that particular case I would just be like whatever and do my own thing for the night. I'm not going to do the dishes every single time he decides it's not important and never say anything in case he's offended (that I don't want to get stuck with the immediate chores all the time.) Uh-uh. (ETA I'm assuming from your post this is an ongoing thing!) I may not be healthy either but I just wouldn't be able to take his argument seriously!! :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762918 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 22:46:28 +0000 Chuckles 2762918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've been trying to use humor more when we get to this point, but it's hard bc my natural inclination is to sit quietly and stew :happy: The other day my DH and I had a ridiculous argument about what the landscaping should look like in front of our house. It ended with him saying, "fine! Maybe we should just bulldoze the whole thing!" And me sitting quietly annoyed. I know, for myself, I can't just switch gears and be fine, but after like 30 minutes of not talking, I said, "I think you're right. We should just bulldoze it and then get 100 plastic flamingos to cover the yard." He laughed and it really helped break the tension. But I have to really convince myself to be the bigger person and make the effort to move things forward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762917 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 22:44:02 +0000 Meowkers 2762917@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We take some time to ourselves, and sleep it off. It's usually forgot in the morning. I'm a big proponent of sleeping it off. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762892 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 20:18:34 +0000 YogiBeachWife 2762892@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762881 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 19:59:01 +0000 jhd 2762881@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: well I can totally see me getting mad at DH over the same thing only not saying anything and being silently resentful that I had to do the cleaning up so that's not healthy either! ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762880 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 19:58:33 +0000 helloperidot 2762880@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I go to bed mad, and he either apologizes when he comes to bed or I get over it by the next morning. :wink: </p> <p>Last weekend DH said he would do the giant mound of dishes while I put DD to bed. Of course I came into the kitchen later and they weren't done. It's taken me 12 years to get to this point, but I didn't say anything to him about it, just went on with my night. After all, he said he would do them, and it's not important in the long run when he does them as long as he does actually do them. He finally got around to it the next morning and apologized for letting them sit for so long.</p> <p>My mom is awful about demanding people do chores immediately, being pass e aggressive over when said chores get done (if we don't snap to it right away), and then criticizing how they are done. It drove me crazy as a kid/teen and still does today. Not saying you do this at all, just saying...next time, maybe don't finish the clean up for him. And if he says something about why it's not done, calmly remind him that's his task and if he wants it done he should get to it. ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762876 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 19:48:35 +0000 erinbaderin 2762876@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jhd: Oh, you didn't! I was joking and also being jealous. I wish that I could just take the fall and apologize and get over it - In fact I AM over it, I just don't want to be the person who gives in. It's dumb and probably not healthy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762869 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 19:35:53 +0000 jhd 2762869@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: sorry I didn't mean to sound rude at all! I hate confrontation so much and tend to over apologize which has also driven DH crazy in the past! ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762861 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 19:21:23 +0000 erinbaderin 2762861@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: Oooh, we're both right - I love this! I don't have to apologize but I acknowledge that I might not have been 100% right!</p> <p>@jhd: You are clearly a bigger person than I am. :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762860 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 19:18:49 +0000 jhd 2762860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just apologize, even if I don't feel like I'm 100% in the wrong. I hope your evening turns around! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762859 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 19:14:56 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2762859@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: ughh hate when that happens. Also that's totally something my husband would do. Dishes need to be done but I'll do an oil change! 🤦🏼‍♀️</p> <p>I usually just say "I don't want to spend my night fighting - we are both right let's have a drink" and we will slowly start being friendly to each other. Haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-do-you-recover-from-an-argument#post-2762855 Fri, 28 Jul 2017 19:04:38 +0000 erinbaderin 2762855@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When an argument with your partner goes downhill, how do you recover from it? My husband and I just had a stupid fight - I criticized the way he did something (I asked if in the future he could prioritize immediate tasks over long term tasks, after coming down from putting the toddler to bed and finding that he hadn't done all of dinner cleanup before he'd decided to renew the license plates, which literally didn't have to be done for two months, and which meant that then I had to finish the cleanup). He got mad and said I was being confrontational and passive aggressive. We tried to talk it out but it went downhill and now we're both mad, in separate rooms, and not talking. </p> <p>How do you get of something like this? I know he'll never apologize and I don't think I did anything wrong, but I don't just want to go to bed mad....argh. I had plans for Moscow mules and Last Chance U tonight, not a stupid fight. </p>