https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 10 May 2026 06:10:07 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-friendships-change-during-if-how-would-you-deal#post-2769046 Mon, 21 Aug 2017 18:10:20 +0000 goodnightelisabeth 2769046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Starfish: Thank you &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-friendships-change-during-if-how-would-you-deal#post-2768938 Mon, 21 Aug 2017 10:57:44 +0000 Mrs. Starfish 2768938@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel for you so much. It stings tremendously and when something similar happened to me, I will admit that I got pretty angry and very bitter. </p> <p>My only advice is to give yourself some space. Don't feel pressure to be this person's sounding board for her pregnancy; I would hope that she will understand why you can't do that right now. For what it's worth, I skipped every single baby shower that I was invited to during my infertility journey. Not a single friend held that against me, and I think they understood that sometimes you just have to protect yourself and do what's best for you at the time. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-friendships-change-during-if-how-would-you-deal#post-2768848 Sun, 20 Aug 2017 19:03:10 +0000 goodnightelisabeth 2768848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you so much for these perspectives!</p> <p>@gingerbebe: I totally appreciate how you have experienced both sides. I keep thinking to myself, "Will I get pregnant soon and be able to see this with more clarity?"</p> <p>@erinbaderin: I really do think you are right, I don't think they were intentionally trying to hurt me. It's just that that was never the precedent set in our friendship - big news was always through phone call or in person. Looking back, I wish we would have talked about it at one point and asked each other what we would be comfortable with as far as giving the news for whoever got pregnant first! At least I learned from that, and I'm going to have that conversation with another friend who just told me she's starting to TTC. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-friendships-change-during-if-how-would-you-deal#post-2768716 Sat, 19 Aug 2017 12:19:51 +0000 erinbaderin 2768716@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For what it's worth, I spent five years trying to get pregnant and when my friends got pregnant I want them to tell me by email or text, and I give that advice a lot to people here asking - it gave me time to gather myself and feel my sadness before having to be happy and excited for my friend. I believe they really did mean to spare you and make the news as easy as possible for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-friendships-change-during-if-how-would-you-deal#post-2768661 Fri, 18 Aug 2017 21:40:45 +0000 gingerbebe 2768661@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@goodnightelisabeth: I went through 3 years TTC and major surgery and two miscarriages before I had my first child. We had friends go through IF and pregnancies at different points in that journey. So I can relate to both sides.</p> <p>I think part of this is that pregnancy itself is really hard. Even though I had worked very hard to get pregnant, I hated pregnancy and I had a particularly rough one. I bitched about being pregnant allll the time. There's a lot of whining and commiserating and venting involved.</p> <p>There's also a lot of obsessing and gushing over names and themes and items and birth methods and everything else. Ultrasounds and gender reveals and what not.</p> <p>Neither of these things - the good or bad - are things I would ever super intensely share with a friend going through IF. So your friends may be distancing out of fear they will offend and also because they don't want to have to downplay their happiness. </p> <p>From the standpoint of being the one going through IF, it hurt when a pregnant friend sorta distanced themselves but if I was being super honest it was hard to hear about their pregnancies even when I was crazy excited for them. It just made me heavy and sad. And I think my friends knew that.</p> <p>I think what's important is communication and grace. I think u should call your friend and talk about it openly and honestly and just say I care for you but this is hard. You don't have to resolve it but just say can we be honest and still be committed to being friends even if it's weird right now? And tell her she can totally whine about being sick and pregnant if she will let you cry when you're down sometimes. </p> <p>My husband and I went out of our ways to be happy and excited for our friends when they got pregnant because we felt like if we didn't make the first move to make them comfortable the relationship would suffer. We sent flowers and cards and we texted regularly to check in and see if we could bring over dinner or something to make things easier. I might have skipped a baby shower here and there depending on how I felt but we always sent large gifts with heartfelt cards. I always turned the conversation to their baby and asked all the questions about nurseries and themes and all that so they felt comfortable to talk. And when those babies were born we were among the first to get called and it was awesome.</p> <p>If your friend is still in the first trimester I would give her space to get through morning sickness and anxiety. Second trimester should be a lot better and once they know gender you can have more fun things to talk about. </p> <p>Hugs to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-friendships-change-during-if-how-would-you-deal#post-2768640 Fri, 18 Aug 2017 18:41:00 +0000 goodnightelisabeth 2768640@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could really use some advice about how to deal with what I am going through right now. I will give you a quick background - my husband and I have been TTC for 2+ years. Infertility testing found a bunch of hormonal issues and endometriosis. I recently had surgery after a long wait. We were almost cleared to start TTC again, but some hormonal issues that we thought were fixed have come up again. It's been incredibly frustrating, draining, and emotional that we have had so many barriers for such a long time, and still may have a long road ahead.</p> <p>About a year and a half into our journey, our close friends started TTC for a few months and decided to get some testing done because they couldn't handle the wait. They had listened to what we were going through and decided to be proactive - no problem. Long story short - after comparing fertility battles, they got pregnant naturally within a year. All of a sudden, the people who said they'd be there for me through our struggles and my surgery were nowhere to be found because they had gotten pregnant.</p> <p>I'm happy for them, but I don't know how to deal with this. It feels like a huge transition in our friendship. It's incredibly odd to not be sharing this part of our lives because they think it's too awkward to talk about it, especially after the amount of advice they asked us about infertility. The worst part is they told us the news via text, even after inviting them over several times, they didn't even bother with a phone call. When we said we were hurt by that, they apologized and said, "We didn't want to upset you because we've been there and know how it feels." But they haven't been through what we've been through.</p> <p>Any advice for the transition in a friendship like this when going through infertility? We haven't seen them in person yet, and everything just seems so strange and I don't know how I will react. I'm afraid others will alienate us because they won't want us to dampen their happiness for the new pregnant couple.</p> <p>My husband is so positive about things while trying to commiserate with me, and he doesn't want me to isolate myself. I just don't know what to do or how to maintain normal friendships while I'm going through this - like I've completely lost myself. </p>