https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 16 Apr 2026 05:15:29 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1002721 Fri, 09 Aug 2013 00:14:00 +0000 yoursilverlining 1002721@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband took 12+ weeks off.</p> <p>Honestly, I think household duty split has more to do with your husband's personality and ideas about what's "womens" vs "mens" work than how much time he takes. My dad never took any paternity leave, my mom was a SAHM and he still got up with my mom every night for night feedings, cleaned, cooked, etc. My husband did/does more than 50% of the household chores and parenting duties because 1) he was raised to contribute equally and 2) I expect him to contribute equally. You need to make your needs known, and you probably have a good idea whether or not your husband will respond to those needs, or not. I would definitely talk about expectations before baby, during pregnancy and after birth so you both are on the same page :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1002703 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 23:54:52 +0000 sunny 1002703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?<br /> DH took 2 full weeks off. It was enough! He was only planning on taking 1 week, but since we ended up being in the hospital the entire first week, he took an extra week off to help us get settled at home too. I also had a really tough time in the first 2 weeks after delivery.</p> <p>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?<br /> I think being a business owner is going to automatically cause him to have to work very hard in order to make his business successful. </p> <p>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?<br /> For us, having certain tasks that are DH's tasks works for us. For instance, I cook while he plays with our LO when he gets home from work, so that he always has a bit of quality time with her each day. Then he always does the dishes while I am putting our LO to bed. </p> <p>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this?<br /> I wouldn't stop TTC. There is never a "good time"... I think you should go for it if you know you want a baby. You never know how long it will take you to conceive! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1002644 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 23:12:13 +0000 Foodnerd81 1002644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Vegmama: it would be really frowned upon at his office and would probably affect his bonus. He has more vacation time he could take but we'd rather save that to use through out the rest if this year. And neither of us want him taking unpaid leave since I'm going to be a sahm. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1002616 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 23:00:29 +0000 googly-eyes 1002616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?<br /> He took three weeks. His job entitles him to a certain amount of paternity leave within the first year of the baby's life, so he has taken more since then too. It has been great; our daughter is a total daddy's girl. :) The three weeks was enough in the beginning but honestly month 2 with baby was MUCH more difficult than the first month, so I wish he had had time then...but it just worked out that he couldn't take off those specific weeks. You just take what you can get.. If you have family support then it will be much easier.</p> <p>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?<br /> I think so. Starting a business is A LOT of work and taking care of a newborn is A LOT of work. It sounds like you will have to sort of divide and conquer. </p> <p>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?<br /> I don't know. I'm a sahm, and I do lots, even when grad school is in session. It helps to have discussions about what specific tasks each of us will do, but this is something that is hard to plan for until you give birth, and even then, everything is always changing, so it's an ongoing thing. What @crumbs said about the newborn phase is true. Even though I didn't bf past the first week, I was pumping and bottle feeding and I still ended up doing much more. </p> <p>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this?<br /> If you REALLY want everything to be settled with his business, I'll be honest, yes, you should wait. But I think there will ALWAYS be "what ifs" and you can't and shouldn't wait for everything to be "perfect." Babies/kids will throw things at you that you are unprepared for, no matter how well organized your life is prior to baby. So overall..I'd say no. But if your heart is really set on things going a certain way, then yes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1002399 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 21:57:06 +0000 AmeliaBedilia 1002399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You ladies are AWESOME! Thanks for such helpful, thoughtful, and encouraging answers. I will talk to DH about plans and expectations for maternity leave. He has never given me any reason to believe he won't be a great dad- I am just paranoid because I see most women I know doing 90%. I think we will probably keep trying, and yes, I am charting (ovulating consistently on day 15, luteal phase 12-13 days, no issues there), acupuncture, circle and bloom meditations, mucinex to improve CM). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000931 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 16:39:09 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1000931@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd read that women between the age of 30-35 have about a 15% chance of conception each cycle. It's not unusual for it to take a little longer than you expected. Hopefully you'll get your :bfp: soon!</p> <p>To answer your questions:<br /> <b>1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?</b><br /> DH took exactly 6 weeks off. It wasn't enough!</p> <p><b>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?</b><br /> To be honest, it won't be equal regardless, at least not during the first few weeks. A newborn eats every 3-4 hours. In the beginning, mamas are feeding machines. Even if your DH is in charge of all of the diaper changes, you will be up more often because of the frequency of feedings.</p> <p><b>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?</b><br /> By making sure your DH understands that he needs to be there for you. That means coffee by his night stand, if need be. I think it's more realistic to go into it knowing that in the beginning, it won't be equal. It sounds harsh, but since women are the ones with breasts, we play the essential role during the newborn phase. You will mostly take care of your newborn, he needs to understand that he needs to help take care of YOU during those first crucial weeks. This is on top of all the diaper changes and all his help with the baby.</p> <p><b>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!</b><br /> I guess I don't quite understand the question. If you avoid this cycle, wouldn't that lower your chances of getting paternity leave since your husband is planing to leave his job soon? I know TTC is frustrating, but hang in there. Have you looked into charting? If it's timed correctly, it'll greatly increase your chances. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000716 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 15:53:37 +0000 Anagram 1000716@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Vegmama: my husband would love to take 12 weeks...but since it would be unpaid and he makes 3 x what i make, it just isn't possible. Plus, in his profession (finance in NYC) you are pretty much guaranteed to not get a bonus if you take that much leave, and since bonuses can be more than what I make in an entire year, we can't afford for him to not get a bonus, either.</p> <p>So yeah, basically no one in his office group no one takes 12 weeks off (men) and it's really frowned upon. If you are a woman, it's accepted because the woman is the one physically recovering. Having said that, in his line of work, it's about 85% men, so productivity doesn't suffer as much (as a whole) when the women are gone just because there are fewer women.</p> <p>He had a coworker whose wife gave birth at 28 weeks and of course, the baby was in the hospital for a looong time. He took his full 12 weeks, got pressured unto coming back at 8 weeks but negotiated working from home, and still didn't get his bonus at the end of the year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000665 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 15:44:02 +0000 Bluebonnet 1000665@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?</p> <p>I think he took off a week, then worked half days for the next week. We have a lot of family support, so that was enough. My Mom or MIL were over for a few hours most every week day for a month or so. As long as you have family support, you'll be okay.</p> <p>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?</p> <p>I think that while you are on maternity leave, you will be doing more parenting, but that will shift when you are both working. DH should be expected to help out when he's not working.</p> <p>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?</p> <p>DH helps a lot - at least 50%, sometimes more if I'm slammed at work. He's always been helpful, but a few things I've consciously done have helped. When I need help, I ask for it. DH isn't a mind reader and if I don't tell him what I need him to do, it won't happen. I don't criticize how he does things. DH doesn't do things the way I do them, but the get done. I can either complain it wasn't done "right" or just be happy its done. </p> <p>We both WFT, so we have to divide and conquer to survive. </p> <p>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!</p> <p>Don't push back - you have 9-10 months to prepare for a baby.</p> <p>Try not to overanalyze everything now. Unless DH has given you reason to believe he's a deadbeat, trust him to be a great dad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000608 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 15:30:12 +0000 LuLu Mom 1000608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My questions:<br /> 1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?<br /> My husband only took off a week (which we ended up spending in the NICU) so it was hard. He wishes he would have had a week at home with us once we got settled in. </p> <p>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?<br /> Unfortantely I think it will be more you, but you might not care. One thing that was big for us was that weekends DH had to be primary caregiver. He did the night bottles while I pumped so I could sleep in. </p> <p>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?<br /> He has stuff he has to do when he's home with you, or when he gest home from work he's in charge of bath, bottle, bedtime so you can have a break. </p> <p>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? No, you can't plan on whether it would happen or not, I would keep going!<br /> Thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000518 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 15:14:56 +0000 Lozza 1000518@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Vegmama: Yeah, we knew DH was eligible for FMLA, and his office would have had zero problem if he'd taken the full 12 weeks (he's had colleagues take longer than that, with no issues), but he didn't have enough vacation time to cover more than about 3 fulls weeks (two after LO was born, and one when I went back to work), plus the fact that I often wanted him to come home early once he did go back, and we didn't want him to be taking unpaid time off when I was already doing that at my job.<br /> Plus, while it was really nice to have him home for 2 weeks, my DH really loves his job, and is an extrovert who needs more stimulation than an exhausted introvert and a newborn can provide. Plus we had other people in to help out, and while it was really nice to have two people around (me + my mom, or my sister, or DH's godmother), three was kind of overkill. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000455 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 15:03:18 +0000 Vegmama 1000455@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For those of you who's hubbys took less than 4 or 6 weeks, were you aware of FMLA that allows up to 12 weeks? I'm in no way judging ... I'm just curious if you think their employers or co-workers (particularly other men) tried to convince them that 1 or 2 weeks would be more than enough. My husband is planning on taking 6 weeks off, and guys at his office are giving him a hard time. They all took 2 off and said they couldn't be home another minute (how awful for their poor wives). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000447 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 15:02:16 +0000 Lozza 1000447@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH took off 2 weeks with our first, and then another week when I went back to work. He wants to do the same with our second, though I'd actually be fine with him going back to do half days much sooner since my mom now lives only 40 minutes away and can come help. </p> <p>My DH has always been an equal partner and always wanted to be. There are plenty of times (if I have a surge of work/deadlines at the office, when I got pregnant again), when he actually does the majority of parenting tasks.<br /> I think it helps that I was never possessive of LO. I felt overwhelmed just by nursing, so when LO wasn't actually attached to my boob, I handed him off to DH and went off to shower or nap or whatever, so DH had a lot of alone time with LO from Day 1. He's always been really at ease with babies, but if he hadn't been, he would have had to get over it real quick because he didn't have any options. Our lactation consultant also had me pumping from the beginning and giving one bottle of pumped milk a day to LO, so that was always DH's job.<br /> I think if he has the flexibility to do half days, that makes a big difference. When I was first on my own with LO, I could do four hours without too much trouble, but once DH had been gone 8 or 9 hours I was counting the minutes till he'd come back. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000179 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 14:20:49 +0000 bunnylove08 1000179@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?</p> <p>My DH works for the city and he was able to take 8 weeks off and stayed with our LO when I went back to work. It worked out for us but I wished he was able to take off some time when I had LO. </p> <p>He couldnt take too much time because he was going to take the paternity leave. I didnt live near my family at the time and it was hard. In the end he took me to my dad's house and I stayed there for about a week and then came home. </p> <p>I think your other questions are personal questions and it depends on your relationship. Every case is different. DH and I have our moments when things are not 50/50. We fight, argue and help and support each other. For us its growing pains of being first time parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000161 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 14:18:03 +0000 Mrs Hedgehog 1000161@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For us it is super important... buuuut, we don't get any. He will have 1 week after she is born from his vacation time and they are letting him work from home the next week. That is it. I don't even have maternity leave. I have to use FMLA and they only pay me for the PTO I have at this point (Vacation, sick, holiday, etc.) So I will get 8 weeks paid and 4 weeks unpaid. I will end up doing most of the work only because I will be the only one there most of the day. It sucks. But in the end, having LO here will be worth it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000131 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 14:14:36 +0000 looch 1000131@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband was entitled to two weeks paid leave. </p> <p>I feel like the other points are too emotionally loaded, so I won't comment there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000130 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 14:14:24 +0000 regberadaisy 1000130@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To answer your questions:<br /> 1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?<br /> One week and no, he wanted much more!</p> <p>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?<br /> I don't think he should push back his opening bc of the chance that baby *might* arrive that month.</p> <p>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?<br /> I think it really depends on your DH! My DH is very hands on and a cleanly person. </p> <p>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this?<br /> I wouldn't push back TTC because of a what if. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000112 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 14:11:30 +0000 yellowbird 1000112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dh took 1 week post birth, and a month off when I went back to work. We would've liked 2 weeks post birth, but his job wouldn't allow it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000111 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 14:11:25 +0000 regberadaisy 1000111@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@pui: yea but like you said self employed you can make your hours. DH can work at night or when baby is sleeping and still be home. WOHM doesn't give you that option. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-1000099 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 14:09:27 +0000 2PeasinaPod 1000099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?</p> <p>DH took 2.5 weeks total, and I needed him. I had an emergency C-section and S was in the NICU for 2 days, so I really needed him to help me with getting back on my feet for those few weeks. It was also really nice to have him around all the time and have him bond with LO too.</p> <p>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?</p> <p>Make sure that you let him know how you're feeling. Starting a business is going to be really hard, and having a baby at the same time will definitely be harder. Set up expectations beforehand and talk to him about what you want to happen.</p> <p>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?</p> <p>We were really considerate of each other. I obviously took on a ton of the care during the day since I was home with LO during my maternity leave, but I also made sure I didn't hand off the baby and disappear the second DH walked in the door. I gave him a chance to change, grab a snack or whatever...and if he wanted him immediately, I gave him to him! I also let him know when I had a particularly bad day and needed him to be on duty while I took a nap or went grocery shopping to get out of the house. We took turns with nighttime feedings, but I tried to make sure he got some solid sleep too since he had to function at work.</p> <p>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!</p> <p>Definitely try, but don't expect things to happen immediately. It took us 14 cycles to get pregnant with LO and that was after 2 miscarriages. Don't put the rest of your life on hold for TTC, and don't put off TTC based on things that are going on in the rest of your life. Had we done either...we wouldn't have LO. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999955 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:49:07 +0000 deerylou 999955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?</p> <p>DH took three weeks total - one week of full pay vacation, and two weeks of partial pay FMLA through the state. It was absolutely wonderful being together as a family of three - my body rebounded quickly, so we went on lots of walks and little outings about town. I had some traumatic, post-birth complications, and a hell of a time breastfeeding because of it, so he was a much needed source of guidance and support. I wish he could have taken more time off, but that's merely because I enjoyed his company so much. I'd say, take as much time as you are financially able!</p> <p>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?</p> <p>It will feel like you're doing more, at first, yes. But once you're both back at work, and get in the swing of things, I'm sure things will even out. Be vocal, and voice your needs.</p> <p>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?</p> <p>I'm trying to work this out, myself. Assuming you're both fed in the evening, let your husband take the baby when he gets home from work. Take 30-60 minutes to just chill out, on your own - draw a bath, catch up on email, read a chapter of a new book. If you pump, or use formula, let your partner take over some of the late night feedings. Take advantage of weekends - request one morning to just sleep in!</p> <p>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!</p> <p>I think you should go ahead and try. DD was a beautiful surprise, but everything is slowly, but surely working itself out. DH is an active, amazing father, and such a supportive husband through all of this. Be confident in his abilities to assist you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999948 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:48:02 +0000 pui 999948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@illumina: I'd say the benefit of being self employed is the flexibility! You can take time off whenever you like and work extra hours later. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999933 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:46:33 +0000 avivoca 999933@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband will only be able to take off a week and will try to work from home as much as they will allow. He has to save a week of vacation for the time between Christmas and New Year's when his office is closed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999920 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:45:08 +0000 illumina 999920@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@pui: we're in the same boat! Let's start a club! I totally agree with working more hours than a regular salary job. As Dh put it today... every hour worked is extra ££ and it's hard to get out of that mindset! What is nice though is taking the afternoon off on a sunny day and getting out to the beach, like we did yesterday :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999901 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:42:23 +0000 pui 999901@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@locavore_mama: If he wants the business to be successful though, he'll need to work hard. Often start up business owners work way more hours than someone who earns a salary.</p> <p>@AmeliaBedilia: My DH and I also own our own business. I won't even really get maternity leave, I'll just be taking time off and eventually not work at all and be a SAHM. My DH won't really take that much time off either. Personally I feel that if DH is working and I am not I should be given a bigger slice of the responsibility of our children. Of course that doesn't mean he shouldn't pull his parenting weight, but I do expect I'll end up doing more of it. I'm fine with that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999896 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:41:50 +0000 illumina 999896@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@AmeliaBedilia: LO is due next month and Dh has his own business and works from home. I do work for him as well but I will mostly be a SAHM. I imagine I will be doing 90% of the childcare, but I am happy with that. I don't think he will take proper paternity leave apart from maybe just drop an extra hour or so of work time each day to give me a break. So no advice yet, though I'll let you know how it works out!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999895 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:41:44 +0000 Weagle 999895@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH took almost a month, and it was wonderful. I do most of the baby stuff, but I'm a SAHM. He does the majority of it when he comes home in the evenings. Give your husband the benefit of a doubt. Don't let a book stress you out about a problem that doesn't even exist. You'll have to figure out what works best for your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999873 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:37:27 +0000 regberadaisy 999873@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If he starts his own biz wouldn't he be able to make his own hours and therefore have as much paternity leave as he wants? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999868 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:36:34 +0000 Boheme 999868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH took 3 weeks of leave and it was amazing. I had an extremely hard birth though, and I needed him. If your DH can't stay with you, could another family member? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999847 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:33:09 +0000 Foodnerd81 999847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Dh got five days of official paternity leave and took three extra vacation, then he will take a couple of long weekends coming up. We don't have family nearby so it's just us until my mom comes up at the end of the month. </p> <p>I would say those first five days- I *needed* him. After that it was great to have him but I could have managed. That said the nights are the hardest so as long as he is home for them it would be a big help. Also I've recovered really well- better and quicker than anyone I know. If my recovery was slower I'd need him here more. </p> <p>C is ten days old a d today is our first day home alone... </p> <p>As for splitting duties I can't help as I will be a sahm and me picking up the house duties are part of the plan (once she is older, not now!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-important-is-paternity-leave#post-999846 Thu, 08 Aug 2013 13:32:57 +0000 blackbird 999846@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?</p> <p>DH took about 9 days off. He took off the day I was induced (a Thursday) and was off Friday, too. Then he took off the entire next week. This was absolutely mandatory--our baby was in the hospital and I could NOT drive and get to see her. And we have no family nearby, so he really needed to take off. She came home Saturday night. He took Monday off and started back at half days, which were great. A day or two he worked from home. Even when he went back full time, though, he was home by 3pm every day. That was great. But even if your DH is working from home, </p> <p>2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?</p> <p>Have you guys talked about maternity leave expectations? Most days, in addition to taking care of the baby, I cleaned and got dinner put together. It took awhile, though. In the beginning, I napped while she napped and all that jazz. As time went on, she fell into more of a routine and I'd use that time to do stuff around the house. But mostly, i gave DH the baby when he got home and that is when I did household stuff. I needed to do non-baby stuff and yeah, that was cleaning and cooking. </p> <p>3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?<br /> You just have to make a conscious decision to let your DH do more and ASK him to do more. Give him the baby when he gets home. And let him do things his own way. DH figured out how to change diapers and do things with the baby--you will probably know the baby better since you are home with it all day long. But your way is not the best or the right way and many, many times, DH did something differently than me but equally if not MORE effective! Oh gosh, so many things he just figured out things that worked and then I'd be the one implementing them during the day. Let him find his own way and don't rescue him immediately when he can't calm the baby down asap. We always jokingly said that E needed to learn that daddy was just as good as mommy. It took some time--i could definitely calm her down faster--but that's not always the point. Now that i'm back at work, we kind of each have our own tasks. If i'm busy, DH asks, "what can i do to help you? what do we need to do before WE sit down and watch tv together"....</p> <p>4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!</p> <p>I also talked to DH about this beforehand. I was raised in a very traditional household, and i told him i was so worried about this. Eventually he said, "look, what makes you think i'm going to be this deadbeat dad that lets you do everything? I want to be involved. Stop expecting me to be a bum". it was eye opening. I was projecting far too much onto him. </p> <p>/novel </p>