https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 03 May 2026 22:49:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2318187 Tue, 13 Oct 2015 17:02:32 +0000 Raindrop 2318187@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I want to say I totally understand how you feel.</p> <p>When I started working I was super poor, couldn’t even rub two pennies together. My mother wanted me to give my overseas family thousands of dollars for Lunar New Years, I just started working 2 months by then. It stressed me out. I had no money. Okay sure I had some money to pay for bill and eat but not much more than that. I knew my relatives overseas didn’t even care what I gave them because they weren’t using it anyways it was all for show which was even more annoying. I finally was able to talk to my mom and give her a smaller amount of what she asked for and eat a few very fugal meals to balance that out. I’m a big saver so I was able to have enough money the next year to give.</p> <p>These big gifts every year and sometimes even more really do stress me out because sometimes it feels like I can’t save as much as I wanted and not have the things I see other people have (like a nice house). It’s my mother using us (her kids) to give back to her parents and siblings overseas. I’m not sure what to do about this.</p> <p>I give my mother some money each month to help take care of my kids but that doesn’t stress me out at all because I feel like it’s a balance.</p> <p>You are definitely not alone! </p> <p>I also have a good friend that pretty much gives half her pay check to her parents because they were both laid off and they need her help. It really sucks for her because they discouraged her from going to college and refused to pay for it… now she’s using that college education that provided her with a good job to help them get by. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316837 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 13:51:44 +0000 oliviaoblivia 2316837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for those of you that are struggling with this. I didn't realize how lucky we are too not have to worry about supporting our parents. </p> <p>MIL believes we should be supporting her, but her spending is so outrageous that we wouldn't ever consider it. She once asked for a monthly stipend that was equal to my take home pay.... while DH was between jobs.... And while she owned two homes and spent the winter at a vacation rental. Just no. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316781 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 13:18:57 +0000 jh524 2316781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs.kiwi: my parents are very finiacially stable and often give us kids money or gifts. I can't imagine it being switched around but I'm sure I would do whatever I could to help out my parents if they needed it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316647 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 11:42:47 +0000 Madison43 2316647@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My siblings and I are just trying to map this out. We're white and while there is no cultural expectation that children support their parents, the reality of my parent's financial situation is that once my dad stops working, they are going to need serious help. They just didn't plan well (or at all?) for their future. That said, we are not ATMs and I can't imagine being expected to support a certain "lifestyle" without a serious amount of resentment building up. Like a previous poster mentioned, we'll probably end up buying an investment house that they'll live in and split their monthly expenses amoung myself and my siblings. Good times. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316628 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 11:30:09 +0000 jetsa 2316628@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am mutt white as someone else put it and it is the correct term and help out both my parents. Not monthly but whenever they need it. It's just what I do, they make bad financial decisions and need the help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316603 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 11:17:23 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2316603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If you are looking for advice/ideas how you might be able to get out of this situation, this is what I did. </p> <p>We were supporting my ILs a great deal, so we were in a very similar situation as you, not being able to save, and living very frugally ourselves. They are not good with money. After a few years, we basically told them we can give $X/month, and that was all we could do because we didn't have any more money. It was a hard conversation, and there were some hurt feelings, but we couldn't be an unlimited ATM machine. Now, we give $X/month + gifts, and we don't feel any resentment towards them any more, they figured out how to live within their means, and I feel so much better that I can plan a little more for my own family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316523 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 10:00:17 +0000 MrsKoala 2316523@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing for ILs but we pay for everything when my parents visit us. It's not out of the realm of possibility that they may need monetary help in the future. :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316469 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 09:01:34 +0000 snowjewelz 2316469@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing to both sets. They are the ones that are always helping us out! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316437 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 08:45:24 +0000 Alivoo01 2316437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Currently, nothing besides paying for meals when we all go out to eat. We pay my dad DH &amp; I's portion of the cell phone bill, but my dad always says don't worry about it and it's hit and miss if he'll cash our check.</p> <p>My dad is still working, while my MIL has been pretty good about her money (she's pretty much retired). I don't foresee my MIL ever needing our help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316370 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 07:53:53 +0000 MrsSCB 2316370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing, but our parents all worked for the government and are part of a retirement plan that basically pays most of their salary still now that they're retired. If not for that, the answer might be different because my mom is not great with money :-/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316365 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 07:47:27 +0000 looch 2316365@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Currently nothing, but I would not hestitate if our parents were in need. In this country, the sad reality is that you can plan, plan and plan some more and all it takes is one catastrophic event to wipe you out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316333 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 06:52:36 +0000 yoursilverlining 2316333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs.kiwi: that's a really tough dynamic (giving to anyone who you know is basically going to blow the money).</p> <p>My parents are very proud and definitely never ask me for money without it REALLY weighing on them. They don't want to; they don't want to need to accept help from me, which is why I more often gift items vs cash, if I can. And had you asked me would we be helping them financially 10 years ago or 15 when they were in their early 50's! I would have been firmly another "oh my parents would never accept help/ask for help/need help", but you never know how things will change, and it doesn't really take all that much to change finances hugely for most people. It is what it is though; I mean they are my parents. Of course I help them. But, if they were routinely exploiting my sense of duty to them - man, that would be really hard. :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents/page/2#post-2316298 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 00:48:16 +0000 Meow 2316298@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: this is my situation almost exactly. Except I didn't want to pay for two households (and my parents live in the most expensive city in the country..) so I moved in with them and my hubby and I are paying 100% of all expenses (skewed more towards me since I make more than he does.) I'm way too old and independent to live with my parents. it definitely sucks for all of us! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316296 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 00:45:19 +0000 Meowkers 2316296@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing. My parents would never accept money from us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316294 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 00:36:41 +0000 mrs.kiwi 2316294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yea it *is* hard in this day and Age partly because we don't expect to and plan for it!! I expected to later in life but not when my pRents were so young.</p> <p>They sacrificed for us, I think we should sacrifice for them.. But it gets sticky and hArd when they become dependent on you to maintain their lifestyle when they are not old and sick yet or being unreasonable or unwise... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316289 Mon, 12 Oct 2015 00:20:46 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 2316289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can't imagine providing for parents financially while still caring for young children, paying for daycare, etc. Blows my mind! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316278 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 23:44:43 +0000 Boogs 2316278@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've done short term loans in the past and that's it. I've always been on my own, so I don't really feel obligated to help them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316257 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 23:27:02 +0000 sapphire 2316257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow. I'm surprised truly by how common this seems to be. We've never, and I can't imagine ever, needing to give my parents or ILs money. Not that they are wealthy or anything, but they've worked hard and planned well for their future. That must be so hard when raising your own family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316251 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 23:03:27 +0000 gingerbebe 2316251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs.kiwi: ugh we are so there. Korean parents, immigrants, poor financial decisions, dad refused to go work for someone else after his business went under in his 40s. My mom had been the breadwinner for many years and suddenly this past year at 58 she decided to stop working because she wanted to be a grandma. Except they live 400 miles away and have no source of income. Of course their WHOLE life is there so they refuse to move near us where it's cheaper and they refuse to sell their house and move to some place cheaper. </p> <p>My non Korean husband and I knew our parents would need our help eventually but we didn't expect it to happen quite so soon and my brother is not in a position to help. We have overextended ourselves seriously in the past year to basically keep two households afloat and fly my mom in weekly so she can care for my son the 3 days I go to work and "earn" our support. Basically everything I make goes to my parents and it's only going to get worse. We are taking them on a family vacation this week and my brother and I have to do a teen intervention because we know nothing about their finances and this situation isn't tenable. It makes me so resentful because what are we supposed to do??? DH and I are paying off our law school loans, saving for our kids' educations, retirement, and our parents life and it seems impossible to get everything done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316093 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 18:16:51 +0000 Tanjowen 2316093@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents are not immigrants, but I come from a culture where you expect others to take care of you and nobody plans for retirement. My parents believe they lived their life in faith, and faith will see them through...</p> <p>It's a really hard thing for DH to handle because his parents have been very responsible and are set for retirement. My Dad works very hard still at 63, but they go through money like its water and I don't even want to know all the debt they are in. I know they have asked my older brother for money, but have not asked us (yet). </p> <p>My maternal grandmother was the same way, and now she lives with my Aunt who takes care of her. My parents fully expect one of us 4 kids to take them in when they cannot care for themselves any longer. We just purchased a home with a finished basement with this in mind, because as much as I hate it, what can we do? They are my parents and I love them and they aren't going to wind up not cared for in the end. I can only do better for my LO in the future. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316089 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 18:11:57 +0000 mrs.kiwi 2316089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone for sharing! I think it's helpful to see everyone's situations.</p> <p>I would love to give anything to my parents as long as it was well-spent but I guess the main problem for me is not trusting my father's financial decision-making and knowing he's impulsive and thinks short-term only.. He always says this is the last time and asks us for 20k.. We never give the full amount he asks for.</p> <p>Again we are in our 20s w small children and we live frugally because we have to to save and get by.. we save little by little and every year or so we end up giving a lot of it to my parents. I wish I knew it was really helping them long term!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316065 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 17:21:21 +0000 Nutella 2316065@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so impressed with everyone who is able to help their parents out like this! Go you guys!</p> <p>We have never been in the situation so have never given money to either sets of parents, but thinking about it we currently would need a fair bit of warning to cough out any extra cash 😁 we live a pretty comfortable life and can afford for me to SAH but there are huge sacrifices made in order for this to happen. First world sacrifices, for sure, but still. There's not heaps leftover after we put away savings.</p> <p>Our parents are all comfortable and would never dream of asking us, but we do of course give (non-cash) gifts whenever we get ourselves organised! My mum doesn't like it even when we spend too much on a gift for her! Living overseas &amp; interstate from both sets of parents mean we easily spend several $100s in plane flights to go see them each year - which I think means a lot to them.</p> <p>But good on all of you who do, it's food for thought! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316049 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 16:44:09 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2316049@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing. Both of our sets of parents have planned well and will be comfortable for the rest of their lives. Don't get me wrong, we give them nice gifts for birthdays, holidays, etc. and we treat them for meals sometimes when we are all together. But they do not need any financial help from us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316045 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 16:39:15 +0000 PurplePeony 2316045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents aren't super well-off, but they are comfortable and have never asked us for anything. Even when my father was laid off and went back to school, they were able to support themselves, although we of course would have assisted them if they needed it. They have saved for retirement but I'm afraid it won't be enough; I'm assuming we'll give them some assistance at some point but it probably won't be for quite awhile and I'm not sure how I'll manage to get them to tell me if they need it.</p> <p>DH has given money to both his parents in the past (they're divorced) but less so since DD was born. Both of them are better spenders than savers, unfortunately. They're financially okay on a day-to-day basis, but if something big comes up, they will ask for money to cover it. Recently, we helped with some college fees for DH's younger brother, so I guess it was indirect help to DH's father and stepmother, since they couldn't cover the costs themselves. We make a pretty good living and as long as our immediate family's needs are met, I don't mind helping out here and there -- not sure how I would feel if it was a more constant thing, though. DH might resent it somewhat if that happened, but I'm sure he'd feel obligated anyway. And I'm sure it is partly cultural, since I'm from a stereotypical WASPy been-here-for-generations background while DH immigrated here and is from a culture where relying on your adult offspring to support you is much more common. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316034 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 16:20:26 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2316034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBeluga: if my mom ends up providing "Grandma Care" we will pay her at a much reduced rate as DCP, but still. </p> <p>I used to gift my dad cash twice a year- his bday and Christmas regularly, but now when he visits/ we visit we just pick up all expenses. He relies on me (us) as a bank to float him. He's always repaid the small, short term loans and the minute he doesn't he will not get them anymore. I know my husband has helped his mom in the past since we've been married, but I think those have always been gifts and not a huge amount. When she comes to town we pick up her expenses too. </p> <p>I'm just thankful my mom and my FIL don't need our help. Being the oldest and most established children on each side can be burdensome at times. If the gifts/loans meant we couldn't do something (frivolous or not) we just wouldn't do it anymore. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316022 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 16:05:05 +0000 BandDmommy 2316022@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yoursilverlining: that's the case with my MIL, she has savings but she retired early and spending money at an exuberant rate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316019 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 16:02:25 +0000 Herrade 2316019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents are not immigrants (we can't even trace back to when our ancestors got off the boat) but they have been heavily financially dependent on me. I have been buying my mom groceries since I was 17. I was in college at the time (self funded with student loans) and working three part-time jobs. My mother is now 60 (I am late 30s) and she's living with us as a dependent. Previously she had been living in my co-op heavily subsidized, but we can't afford for her to live on her own anymore. As for my father, we've given him several large "gifts" over the years so he could pay off tax debt, etc. </p> <p>My parents have made horrible financial decisions. Also, they suffer from varying degrees of mental illness (personality disorder, depression, alcoholism) so they're not well enough to stop themselves from putting me in this horrible position of having to be the parent. It sucks, and I resent them terribly, but what am I supposed to do? Let their car be repoed... Or worse, see them get in an accident because they couldn't afford to get new brakes?</p> <p>The best I can do now is armor myself emotionally and make sure I don't do to my daughter what they did to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316012 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 15:52:02 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 2316012@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing. Both of our parents are very well set up financially. I had no idea it was so common to help out parents with finances....in my experience, the parents are the ones with the extra money! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316009 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 15:44:16 +0000 yoursilverlining 2316009@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess it's somewhat cultural, but also just based on need, like everything else. We help my parents, and they are in a position to need help for many reasons, one of which is having to pay out more than $20k a year for several years to treat my mom's cancer (while having health insurance). My in-laws don't need any help now, in great part thanks to having positions that came with pensions. As more unions go by the wayside, say goodbye to pensions being common.</p> <p>I've bought my parents a car (and will buy a second one in another couple of years), have bought larger ticket items like a new fridge, etc. and help financially.</p> <p>I was just reading an article about how something like 1 in 6 baby boomers has ZERO retirement savings. Many have savings, but certainly not enough to pay health premiums and out of pockets of tens of thousands a year, or to pay nursing home care which is $7k a month now (let alone going forward). So, I think a lot of people do, or will be, financially helping parents going forward, regardless of culture. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-give-to-your-parents#post-2316007 Sun, 11 Oct 2015 15:41:24 +0000 NCSUchick27 2316007@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing. My parents are in a good place financially so I don't have to worry about them. DH's parents are a little stretched financially due to DH's dad being out of work for a few years (he works a full-time and a part-time job now), and still having one kid in college. Neither set of parents has ever asked us for money. </p> <p>I do know that DH's older sister helps their parents out a little by paying for my MIL's and BIL's cell phones bills. Also, both my DH and SIL will not cash any checks that their mom writes them for their birthdays. </p>