https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 26 Apr 2026 05:47:42 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555791 Tue, 24 May 2016 19:34:14 +0000 MamaCate 2555791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I think time out can get excessive too. In the case of yesterday it was more for not listening twice than just the taking the stupid walker.</p> <p>@ShootingStar: @ValentineMommy: @Adira: @Truth Bombs: @regberadaisy: @hilsy85: thank you all for weighing in. It has been really helpful to step back and think through this so I can be more intentional and less reactive.</p> <p>I am going to go with the rule of needing to take turns that I enforce as needed but focus on lots of prepping and prompting and reinforcing positive behavior to try to head the issue off at the pass before it turns into the limit setting nonsense. She responds really well to cueing and positive feedback. We will also talk about time outs being limited to really mean times like when she forcibly takes the walker away, vs. reminders and redirection when he briefly steps away like the original ottoman example.</p> <p>I will let you know how it goes! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555297 Tue, 24 May 2016 09:10:41 +0000 Anagram 2555297@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: I don't do time outs for this stuff, either. But also, I'm not really into time outs in general...I might give 1-2 a week and it's really only when LO needs a chance to calm down and gather her thoughts (or to give ME a chance to calm down and gather my thoughts)--I don't use it as a punishment. </p> <p>To the OP...If I were getting all Janet Lansbury about it, I think probably I would say that the best solution is to stop the action before it starts. But realistically, I know it's not always possible to be 2 inches away from your kids. Sometimes you have to pee. Or prepare a bottle/lunch/clean something. So the parent can't always stop the toy snatching before it happens. So in that case, I just try to redirect and manage the situation after it's happened without punishing older LO (who in my case is only 2.5). LO1 is not really old enough to understand how to be patient and not play with someone else's toys 100% of the time.</p> <p>And I also think in a daycare situation, I would be very upset if the teachers only had time outs in their toolbag. I know in daycare kids are snatching toys from each other all day long, and I wouldn't think it's appropriate for 7 kids to be in time outs at a time, or for my kid to be in a time out 10-12 times a day (however many times she is the toy snatcher...which, I've seen them with my own eyes, it's a lot). So some of it I let go. I mean, I obviously remind LO1 that she needs to take turns and wait until LO2 is done with it, but I don't think LO1 is old enough to practice sharing perfectly all the time. So that's not something I would punish her for, personally. Redirect, remind, teach, yes....punish, no. Half the time I know that I as the parent should be more present because these things happen when I'm doing something else and not really down on the floor playing with the girls. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555288 Tue, 24 May 2016 09:01:38 +0000 snowjewelz 2555288@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Haha this reminds me of this 3.5 year old girl at church! She is obsessed with DD (17 mo old) and always try to touch her, hold her hands, and pretty much dictate her movements like a doll. DD hates it and will yank her hands away, get mad and walk away, even cry. The dad rarely intervenes so I keep telling her nicely that you have to be gentle and not to touch her if she is upset about it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555282 Tue, 24 May 2016 08:58:23 +0000 pwnstar 2555282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I'm with you in *leave it lose it* not being developmentally appropriate/productive for a 10 month old (I also think it could reinforce undesirable behavior in older kiddos), and that it doesn't have to be equal to be fair. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555200 Tue, 24 May 2016 07:54:31 +0000 Truth Bombs 2555200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: Oh yeah, we have lots of handsy issues with the big one too. The other day the baby was doing tummy time and big sis came over and rolled him over back to his back pretty aggressively and he bonked his head a bit. But that kind of stuff I don't do a time out for. Because I know she was actually just trying to play with him, and can't remember to be gentle even though I've told her 12,000 times. Preschoolers are tough man. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555183 Tue, 24 May 2016 07:24:36 +0000 hilsy85 2555183@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I wouldn't say my LO is actively trying to be mean to his sister, but there is a LOT of pushing boundaries--like he knows he' s not supposed to sit on her, but he does it 1,000 x a day anyway. But he does seem genuinely sorry if he hurts her. I also think some growing pains are normal as they kind of learn to deal with each other. We have dealt with a lot of anger issues with him as he has adjusted to her, so I also feel like time outs would just make him feel more rejected and more sad, and kind of make the whole thing worse. </p> <p>@Truth Bombs: as for the stealing a walker situation, I also let him play with her toys/trade her a different toy even if there's no real need for him to play with a baby toy--again, I think it has more to do with the adjustment to being a big brother/having a baby in the house rather than any great desire to actually play with a baby toy. So I just feel like it's better not to make a big deal aboutmaking him give it back. But maybe I am just over sensitive since we've had such issues. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555176 Tue, 24 May 2016 07:03:08 +0000 regberadaisy 2555176@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaCate: my girls are 28 months apart. Yes, your son IS young at 10 months. But your son did leave the toy. He might be too young to understand, but the 4.5 year old isn't. It's not fair to her that she wanted to play with a toy, that was no longer being played with, and she couldn't because it was the "baby's toy". What about if the baby wanted to play with big sister's toy? Do you then say no because he's too young to play with her toy? I bet most parents would tell the older child they have to share.</p> <p>My girls are 4 and (almost) 21 months now. And they still do fight over toys. But it's significantly less. If my 4yo takes a toy from her baby sister, I make her give it back. If the 21m old takes a toy from the 4 yo I make her give it back. If they step away from the toy? It's fair game. This is something we've done for a long time and it's worked well for us in minimizing tantrums over toys!</p> <p>Again, I'm talking strictly about the fact that he left the toy and she then went to played with it. I don't think she's in the wrong in that regard. We brought out a walker for the baby and we have the Vtech one with music and all that. My older one loved to play with the music. Honestly - it's probably her walking around with the walker that helped DD2 walk fast. Personally most toys in our house are communal. Except stuffed animals that were specifically given to one child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555166 Tue, 24 May 2016 06:19:19 +0000 Adira 2555166@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: Well, you've got to learn sometime, right?? I don't think it's ever too early to learn about sharing and taking turns. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555164 Tue, 24 May 2016 06:14:37 +0000 Truth Bombs 2555164@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@regberadaisy: @Adira: I don't think it's fair to expect a 10 month old to understand "if you leave it you lose it". Plus, a 4.5 year old has no need to play with a walker. Just like my 6 month old has no reason to be playing with older LO's board games, and therefore I don't let him. I'm a big believer that everything doesn't have to be equal to be fair, so yes, I hold my preschooler to a higher standard than my baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555152 Tue, 24 May 2016 05:48:00 +0000 Adira 2555152@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like I'm constantly intervening! I don't let Xander (3) take toys away from Logan (18m) unless he asks and offers a trade and then only if Logan is okay with it. Logan tends to be pretty easy and agreeable, so Xander just take stuff from him and Logan wouldn't be phased, but I'm trying to teach Xander not to do that, even if Logan doesn't mind. He should always ask first!</p> <p>Agreed with @regberadaisy: about leaving a toy means your turn is done. In that case where the younger left the walker and the older swooped in and took it, I'd remind the younger that it's the older's turn and the younger can get it back in a few minutes.</p> <p>As far as the chasing stuff - I try not to intervene if they seem to be having fun. Like Xander will push Logan over and it makes me nervous, but Logan seems to think it's hysterical, so I try to let them be. But if Xander is doing something that's upsetting Logan (or vice-versa), I'll intervene and tell them to stop because the other doesn't like it (usually it's Xander chasing Logan and Logan just wants to be left alone). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555148 Tue, 24 May 2016 05:35:47 +0000 ValentineMommy 2555148@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: We do exactly the same. DS1 has to give him another toy before snatching something away. Most of the time DS2 doesn't care. If he does, we make DS1 give it back.</p> <p>If we did it every time, DS1 would never leave time out. </p> <p>Ours issues only started when DS2 started crawling a few weeks ago. Before that it was all sunshine and roses over here lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555146 Tue, 24 May 2016 05:24:47 +0000 ShootingStar 2555146@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>LO2 isn't here yet, but we deal with this somewhat with DS and the dog toys. From my perspective the dog can't defend herself (kinda like a baby) and DS has no business playing with the dog toys (same way I'd feel about the walker). Some toys are meant for sharing or playing with together,but he can't just take her toys. I would say to him, "D it's not nice to take M's toys. It's important to be nice to her because she's nice to us, right? Can you give her toy back and go play with X?" Usually that works. If he still doesn't cooperate or is mean about it, I'd give him a timeout. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555112 Mon, 23 May 2016 22:49:13 +0000 MamaCate 2555112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: yes mine does too! And she is in a big testing phase right now and has definitely seen this pushes my buttons. Plus lots of solo parenting time this week and last week so of course things are a little heightened.</p> <p>And I have been feeling really reactive about this so I really appreciate the feedback! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555111 Mon, 23 May 2016 22:47:31 +0000 MamaCate 2555111@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@regberadaisy: thanks for this! If they were the same age I would totally be on board with the "use or lose it" rule. But I think I hesitate because of the age gap. How far apart in age are your kids? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555099 Mon, 23 May 2016 22:23:01 +0000 regberadaisy 2555099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our rule is, if you leave the toy then your turn is over. So the fact that he transfers to an ottoman and left the toy means she's got rights to it now. I know he's only 10m but clearly he's crying to get it back. And it wouldn't be fair to her to always have to give a you back because the baby screamed.<br /> Now, the running away so he will chase her is different. That's taunting and not allowed. I would ask her to stop that because it's not nice. If she doesn't then I'll take the toy away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555090 Mon, 23 May 2016 21:58:38 +0000 Truth Bombs 2555090@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaCate: yeah I think if you pick a consistent consequence and stick with it that would help. Also maybe something to redirect her? Maybe encourage her to stand in front of him and try to get him to use the walker to follow her so she can engage with him in a positive way? My older LO loves to feel like she is helping or teaching the baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555088 Mon, 23 May 2016 21:57:09 +0000 Truth Bombs 2555088@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: my older LO gets in her baby brother's face all the time and jostles him around but she's not TRYING to hurt him or upset him, she just doesn't know how to be gentle enough sometimes. So I definitely don't give consequences in those instances (though I do gently correct her). But if she outright stole a toy from him or continued doing something that was making him cry I would absolutely do time out, etc until it clicked that that's not acceptable. My LO is only 6 months but so far I haven't had an issue with older LO being mean to younger LO. If he cries she's usually running over to shove toys and pacis at him to make him happy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555079 Mon, 23 May 2016 21:43:33 +0000 MamaCate 2555079@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: we have been doing a warning and then a time out. She had two since wegot home. She also lost the chance to watch a show while I nursed the baby. Yesterday DH told her she couldn't touch the walker and then she was sad when she was trying to help him steer. So now I said she has to ask me before she uses it.</p> <p>It doesn't feel like any of these are working great but I guess I should just pick one and stick with it. Last week I also took away the walker but that seems like it's punishing DS too. Hmmm...typing this out I can see how she might be confused! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555077 Mon, 23 May 2016 21:36:24 +0000 hilsy85 2555077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OMG this is my life 24/7! My 3 year old is CONSTANTLY taking stuff from his sister (7mos) or annoying her in some way. If he takes something, as long as he trades her a different toy I am ok with it. Or if she's not upset. But if she is, ir if it's a toy where there's no replacement (I.e a walker) I would make the older one give it back. It's just rinse and repeat over and over. </p> <p>@Truth Bombs: seriously, my Lo would be in time out all day long if we did that. In afraid to start them because I just feel like it would be one time out after the other!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555075 Mon, 23 May 2016 21:33:07 +0000 Truth Bombs 2555075@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaCate: how are you addressing it now? To me that would be a time out offense (or loss of privileges). It would be one thing if she was playing rough with him with no ill intent, but in the instance you described, she's being deliberately mean to upset him, and that wouldn't fly with me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555074 Mon, 23 May 2016 21:31:44 +0000 Anagram 2555074@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My older one will be 3 in July and my younger one is 9 months, bit the older one does that stuff constantly. I try to let the baby be my guide--if she doesn't care, I let it slide. If she gets upset when big sister snatches away her toys, then I just reiterate the idea that baby isnt finished using it, we take turns, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-much-do-you-intervene-when-your-older-lo-is-bothering-your-babytoddler#post-2555072 Mon, 23 May 2016 21:26:08 +0000 MamaCate 2555072@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My big girl is 4.5 and the baby is 10 months. He has just turned into a little crawling and cruising machine, which is great...but DD can be so mean and controlling with him!</p> <p>It is driving me crazy and I need help to figure out how to address it: for example we have a little walker. DS will push it, then get distracted and transfer to the ottoman for a minute before going back. But in the brief time he is away, DD will swoop in and take it. Then DS cries. She likes to make him chase her except she won't ever let him catch her. Also he doesn't really know how to chase because he is so little. </p> <p>How would you handle this? Will I drive myself crazy if I try to keep addressing this? </p>