https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 16 May 2026 10:03:39 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234902 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 11:58:50 +0000 Grace 2234902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think I ever reason with my toddler. I give her one warning. eg. One more slide. Only 1. Not 22, like Anagram's neighbours. Defeats the purpose of the warning if you don't follow through. I give her options: do you want to get the car or Mommy do it. And I try not to rush her. If that means I plan to leave 10 min earlier than I would, that's what I do. But I do not negotiate/reason. After all that, if I say it's time for bed/bath/whatever, that's the end of the story. Tantrums tend to happen only when I'm not consistent or don't follow through. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234729 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 09:57:06 +0000 hellobeeboston 2234729@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sunshine: I do the same. Warnings have been really helpful in setting him up for a change. Talking about things ahead of time in general has been working out.</p> <p>Been doing a lot of either/or which is working for now. Offering a choice is making him feel empowered, it's just about being creative with it.</p> <p>Like, the car seat is a struggle because he wants to get in himself, but stalls and messes around and I'm pregnant and can't deal. So instead of letting him get in himself I am putting him in his seat now, and letting him click all of the harnesses into place. For now at least, I'm sure that will lose its appeal soon :( </p> <p>Bribes aren't even working lately. Lol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234620 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 08:31:15 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 2234620@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I give her a warning. "In 5 minutes, we're leaving the park." Then 2 and 2 minute warnings. If she gets upset after that too bad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234541 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 07:31:09 +0000 Mrswonderwoman 2234541@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Bubbles: I agree, and I think that's the author's point, as far as I can tell. People are much more complex than animals used as research subjects used to justify behaviorism and rewards. But again, even research on using rewards with people (there are several studies cited in the book) show that it is ineffective and often actually results in worse behavior or regression. Like I said, I haven't gotten super far in the book and there are a few chapters specifically related to children, but I haven't gotten there yet. I'm not trying to defending this book or perspective, merely just sharing the information I've read so far. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234448 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 01:48:23 +0000 Bubbles 2234448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrswonderwoman: I agree with all this - although my LO is only 18 months so I'm sure sticking to these principles will become more challenging as he gets older. </p> <p>I respect that everyone has their own parenting styles and should do what works for them - but I really don't think you can compare disciplining / bringing up a child to training a dog. I know nothing about dogs - but as far as I'm aware a dog is never going to reach a higher level of functioning where they will need to make their own decisions and have their own morals. So conditioning them to behave in certain ways is helpful. I find it hard to believe that anyone would want to raise a child to have the same unquestioning obedience as a dog. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234418 Sun, 12 Jul 2015 22:29:23 +0000 Mrswonderwoman 2234418@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: Skinner used dogs to basically established beahviorism. So while it works with dogs, there is quite a bit of research from the 70s and 80s that basically says it's BS for people in establishing behavioral change. The author has some value judgements on rewards being manipulative and controlling too, which is interesting to read about. I am at the beginning of the book, so still lots to learn and see what I think, but it's interesting for sure. It's called "punished by rewards" by Kohn, I found at the library. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234414 Sun, 12 Jul 2015 22:11:12 +0000 Maysprout 2234414@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrswonderwoman: do they think treat training for dogs is BS then? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234412 Sun, 12 Jul 2015 22:09:06 +0000 Maysprout 2234412@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>ill explain things to her and sometimes there's positive consequences that are mentioned. Like once we get this done we can go to the pool, something we were already planning but a nice reminder to listen. Same with dinner, we usually have some sort of treat after so it's a nice reminder to eat. While I don't mind explaining Im not willing to repeat myself too much, I don't count but it's probably the three strikes your out and then there's consequences of not getting those things or time outs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234393 Sun, 12 Jul 2015 21:46:39 +0000 Anagram 2234393@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I spend very little/no time each day, but my LO is only just 2 and is pretty adaptable at this point. I'm sure at some point that will change.</p> <p>I actually purposely don't do a lot of warnings at this point (like, 5 minute warning before leaving the park), because my LO doesn't understand the concept of "5 mintues" and I just see so many parents repeating "Okay, just one more time on the slide" about 22 times while their child runs away from them and does their own thing---so I just don't bother. When it's time to go, I just pick her up and go, but I have her say bye bye to all the equipment (etc. "bye slide! bye swing!) and that helps her leave more easily.).</p> <p>I don't bribe with food at all. We have enough issues around food that I don't need anything extra mucking up her ideas of food. I'm totally a "whatever works" type of parent, but I really really really hope I don't go down that road. I'm super lazy though, so we'll see.</p> <p>eta: I wanted to add that although I don't bribe with food, sometimes I totally use distraction to get her to eat. I'll allow her to sit in her high chair with books, or playdough, or sometimes we'll watch Daniel Tiger--because then she eats whatever I give her with no fuss. I try to only do that on days she hasn't eaten well all day, but that totally happens. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2234372 Sun, 12 Jul 2015 21:25:32 +0000 Mrswonderwoman 2234372@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I''m currently reading a psychology behaviorism book about the downfalls of rewards in changing behavior or creating lasting change - it has been fascinating! Needless to say, it pretty much affirms what I already have found to be true with my 2.5 year old: rewards and bribing may work to achieve a resulting behavior in the short term, but it doesn't establish any long term lasting impact or true behavior change. It just creates a sense of control on my part, and reinforces the need for further rewards in the future, which I don't want to get in the habit of anyways. In the long run, I want my child to be self-motivated with their actions. This means either being really really careful how I word things and share instructions, or giving very concise and close-ended choices ("You can have cheese or peanut butter with your apple - which do you want?")</p> <p>So yes, I do talk through things with him, but I wouldn't call it negotiating. I realized that a 2 year old doesn't reason very well or understand logic, so giving choices that are too open ended or even making simple requests leaves the door open for responses and behavior that I may not consider appropriate. In those cases, it's just better for me to state what needs to happen. Such as, "We're going to get our shoes on to go outside." If there's a problem or protest, I just say, "I see you're having trouble with your shoes/getting outside/etc. I'll do it for you." yes, it can mean sometimes things aren't super smooth and happy, but it gets us where we need to be with certain things.</p> <p>One thing we don't do at all is reward or bribe with food. It happened once with something at my mom's house, and it backfired afterwards. Never again. Even when it comes to trying to get DS to eat healthy balanced meals, I definitely know that bribing with treats would work (because it did on one rare occasion, again with my mom), but I'd rather establish a pattern of him making his own choices of what he eats. So we just offer healthy choices, and if he eats them, great. If not, then that's all there is. We rarely do treats and desserts ourselves anyways, so I guess that's also part of it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221534 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 10:17:14 +0000 NovBaby1112 2221534@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I don't give in, but I try not to force it either...it usually just ends badly! I try to let her be the one to decide, but it takes some time, and I wonder if I'm not being forceful enough? </p> <p>@Foodnerd81: I feel the same way, I would rather spend time reasoning with her and getting her to understand why we have to do x, y,z than forcing her and having her kick and scream and basically turn into a wrestling match of wills!</p> <p>@hilsy85: yea, we bribe A lot with treats and such if she does something, I just feel like I'm always saying...."if you leave the park and not cry you can have a lollipop (or ice cream) at home!" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221496 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:55:52 +0000 LuLu Mom 2221496@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't necessarily call it bribing but I guess it could be considered that. I will say "just remember if you finish your dinner, mommy made cookies for dessert." and she knows she only gets them if she finishes the good stuff. Then there is classic bribery like the times when I say "if you go the bathroom (our struggle right now) you can have some screen time" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221488 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:51:55 +0000 hilsy85 2221488@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't say I nexessarily bribe a lot (although I do plenty)--I more try to motivate him by reminding him of other fun things he could do if he listens to me. Or alternately, the consequences of he does not listen to me. And then sometimes i flat out bribe ( if you use the potty right now you get a jelly bean!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221479 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:47:47 +0000 Foodnerd81 2221479@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like I spend half my day doing this?</p> <p>C is almost 2 and is generally a pretty easy going cooperative kid. When she doesn't want to do something, it takes less time for me to pause, calm her enough to look at me so I can explain why we are doing something, until she agrees, than it does for me to try and force a screaming bucking toddler to do whatever it is. For example, she frequently fights getting in the car, so instead of karate chopping her middle to get her in the car, I take her back out, look at her, and tell her where we are going and why and remind her of last time we drove somewhere fun. This usually at least gets her to comply enough to get buckled in even if she is still whimpering. </p> <p>If she really won't calm down I will force it but it's just harder for everyone that way. This seems to work best with her personality right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221478 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:46:58 +0000 Truth Bombs 2221478@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>On things that she has to do I really don't negotiate. On things that aren't really worth forcing, I just give up immediately. Once I commit to discussing/negotiating, I never give in because I do not want her to learn that whining or fighting works for her. So if I'm willing to let something slide I just don't engage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221460 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:35:36 +0000 NovBaby1112 2221460@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsjyw: same here...my LO reacts much better when it is "her" decision to do something than when I force her, but it takes some time and a lot of repeating the same stuff! </p> <p>@ValentineMommy: i bribe a lot for good behavior....but it only works to an extent!</p> <p>@Mrs. Tea: thank you :) their comments made me second guess how I'm doing this! I just feel like I spend a good portion of my day convincing her to do something or another....I give plenty of earnings but sometimes she just looks at me and says "no, I don't want to" or just runs off</p> <p>@gracecat: thanks for sharing! Yea, your LO sounds more cooperative than mine :silly: I do all of those things as well, but when we get to the last step as say it's now time to go, she gets a mischievous grin on her face and says "see ya" and proceeds to run off :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221451 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:25:56 +0000 gracecat 2221451@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmmm... DD is 2.5 years old now and I don't spend much time reasoning or negotiating but I think it has more to do with her personality. </p> <p>If I want her to hurry up and get ready to go out but she doesn't want to, I try to just get her to do the next little step instead. "let's just go downstairs" instead of rushing her to get ready to go out. "Let's just brush our teeth". She's willing to do the next step, and will eventually follow my lead to actually get out of the house and go out. </p> <p>If for example we need to leave the park, I warn her 15 min. before (even though she doesn't understand exactly what 15 minutes means), then at 5 minutes, I warn her clearly "DD name - we are going home in 5 minutes, ok?" I get her to say "yes" and when it's time, I tell her, "Last time on the slide, ok?" Response "yes", and then I tell her "finished!!! Let's go home!" She will protest so I say "remember? I told you last time on the slide, and you said 'yes', remember?" That usually gets her to comply. She also knows that when she gets on the bike to go home (she rides on back of my bike), she gets a snack so she's conditioned to look forward to that part (guess that could be construed as bribery)! Or else I motivate/bribe her with something else. "Let's go home and then you can have some cheese for dinner! Wouldn't that be yummy?" (Don't worry, she doesn't just get cheese). Motivation works well with her. So I guess I do bribe, it just doesn't take very long, she is very easy to please. That's all it takes to get her moving! </p> <p>The few times she hasn't listened, I just start heading back to the bike and she breaks down and cries, but she is so clingy to me and always wants my approval, so she just comes running. Honestly I think I'm pretty lucky with her personality though. I do try to be consistent and firm, and put a lot into transitions but in the end, I feel like I just got lucky. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221440 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:21:11 +0000 Mrs. Tea 2221440@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh this is a tricky one. I usually try to give a warning before whatever it is comes ( bath, leaving etc. ) then if it's something she really doesn't like ( washing her hair for example ) I offer a reward for good behaviour. But honestly if/when the argument starts, I usually just do the "this is your job and it needs to happen" and stop negotiating. I don't find my little one is open to reason by the time she's made up her mind. It sometimes ends in tears but I find over time as she has leaned it isn't always going to go her way, the tantrums are shorter now. We also always talk it out after she's calm.</p> <p> Toddlers are TOUGH! I am sure you are doing a great job! Don't worry about what other say, you know your little one best and what works for them! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221435 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:18:19 +0000 ValentineMommy 2221435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If it's something like taking a bath when dirty, I spend 0 time negotiating. I just say "You're dirty and it's time to take a bath." If there's a fight or tears, I just pick him up and tell him it's time to do it. He usually gives up pretty fast.</p> <p>If it's something like eating (he is a terrible eater and we have tried everything)....I'm ashamed to admit the only thing that's been working if bribes lately. If it means he tries something new, I'll do it in a heartbeat.</p> <p>We really don't give him a whole lot of time convincing/negotiating or anything, but I do think a lot of it would depend on the childs personality. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221433 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:17:43 +0000 mrsjyw 2221433@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Daily! Reasoning works over anything with DS. Sometimes it's saying it once, sometimes it's repeating myself over and over again, but talking and explaining gets more cooperative and smooth outcomes than any amount of forcing with DS. Unless we're short on time or need to be hurried while out, I always, always choose talking with him, instead of forcing something on him! It doesn't usually last longer than five or ten minutes!</p> <p>ETA: I do not try to bribe with treats/sweets/etc. We'll offer dessert if DS does a good job of finishing his entire meal (esp veggies), but we've been trying to stick to the reasoning/words instead of snacks/food as a reward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-often-do-you-bribenegotiatereason-with-your-toddler#post-2221427 Mon, 29 Jun 2015 09:13:49 +0000 NovBaby1112 2221427@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I went home and visited family, a lot of older relatives commented that I spent too much time reasoning/bribing LO when she had to do something so it got me thinking...</p> <p>Say when you have to get LO to do something and it's non negotiable, like taking a bath if they are covered in dirt, or leaving the park bc you have to go somewhere, etc...how much time do you spend convincing them to do such and such, before just forcing them and having them throw a fit? </p>