https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 01 Jul 2026 12:25:13 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2274291 Thu, 27 Aug 2015 07:20:46 +0000 BandDmommy 2274291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sandy: wow, amazing suggestions! You are truly the toddler whisperer. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2274135 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 20:18:51 +0000 magnolia 2274135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think @sandy: recommendations are amazing, redirecting whenever possible and using praise. using positive reinforcement for good behavior and appropriate response to baby brothers behaviors whenever possible. He may be seeking out (negative) attention for you. I have only experienced this behavior in a preschool setting, which is obviously different than a family, it seems so hard, lots of hugs to you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2274122 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 20:08:12 +0000 sandy 2274122@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: maybe taking away screen time?</p> <p>ETA: and maybe even start a prize/treat for good behavior. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2274118 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 20:04:38 +0000 sandy 2274118@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I very much agree with the approach outlined by @Rockies11. Yes, when behavior is violent or intentionally hurtful there needs to be an immediate removal and time out/consequence. </p> <p>But what I feel helps with long term behavior is talking about the unwanted behavior in a calm and reflective way. Talking about his feelings, talking about what baby does that is frustrating and how babies are little and don't know and how his job as a big brother is to be patient and teach R how to play nicely. And talk through different alternatives about how to react next time. And then to also take time to model and implement what you talked about in a calm setting. Like sit with them when they are playing and talk through what's happening and praise T for his good behavior and what a good big bro he is being. And if R does something that's bugging T, talk it through "oh no, baby R is touching your tower, what should we do? Should we push baby R? No, that is not a good decision. Maybe we can ask for help. Maybe we can give R a different toy. He's just a baby and if it falls we can just build a new tower" </p> <p>Basically talk through good decisions and acceptable reactions and praise praise praise for not engaging in the negative behavior. And talk about it a lot. </p> <p>And if time outs don't work find out what he really prizes - promise of a treat, toy being taken away, bedtime stories, etc. For my girl we talk about good and bad decisions and for bad decisions she gets a bedtime story taken away (she starts with 3 and it can go to zero - fortunately she is very motivated to keep all 3 bedtime stories) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2274115 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 20:02:39 +0000 winniebee 2274115@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: see that's just what I have been doing (er ok maybe I'm not totally calm in dealing with the older) but it persists. I'm wondering if it's my reaction (anger) that he is seeking. </p> <p>I really do appreciate all of the suggestions. I'm trying to figure out what is the best way to deal with this but know I need to pick a strategy and go with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2274096 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 19:40:48 +0000 Rockies11 2274096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For gentle parenting/no time out techniques for dealing with this, I love ahaparenting. She has a bunch of really great stuff on the website that is an immediate reaction and sets a clear boundary but that doesn't involve punishments like time out. Essentially - comfort the injured, set out the rules clearly, talk through the emotions, provide alternate suggestions for dealing with the emotions. The other thing I like about her stuff is that she also always challenges me on my reaction to it - like how mad and monsterous you feel towards your older child when something like that happens and how to just take a minute so that you can deal with it rationally and without anger. </p> <p>My 2 year old was very violent toward the baby right away, and still has occasional instances but less than with time-outs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2274049 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 17:55:23 +0000 BandDmommy 2274049@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@KayKay: It's so hard not to be emotional when one of your children hurt the other whether on purpose or accidental. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2274013 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 17:01:39 +0000 KayKay 2274013@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>we don't really do timeouts either, but i am comfortable using them in this sort of situation. in my head, i frame it more like a "i'm removing you from this area because what you are doing is not safe for your sister", but usually i get pissed off and just make it a real timeout. i've also started giving her favorite doll timeouts in a very visible but unreachable place. even if she wasn't playing with her, it seems to have the intended effect....so far. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273904 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 15:21:13 +0000 blackbird 2273904@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kemma: I have tried my damndest to be really neutral and robotic when I respond to some situations...i haven't been able to tell if it really helps with E much, but at least it forces me to not feel like I'm going to blow my top. I'm sure watching mom yell and turn 5 shades of red and get flustered is often fun for a toddler.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273890 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 15:02:43 +0000 Kemma 2273890@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you set up a space for your oldest child to play where the little one can't get?</p> <p> @blackbird: I often think kids do stuff like this for the reaction so if you can provide the reaction in some other way, he might cut down on the undesirable behaviour. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273811 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 13:53:07 +0000 avivoca 2273811@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For hitting (me, the dog, her dad), we do a warning and then if she does it again, I immediately place her in time-out. Time-out is in her crib with no toys/blankets/pacis. I'm moving into no warnings for physical violence and immediately going to time-out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273761 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 13:15:25 +0000 MrsSRS 2273761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with PP that dropping the warning is a good idea. If he knows enough to hide the squeezing from you, he knows perfectly well this isn't ok so he doesn't need a warning. Ragey mad would be my feelings too, but have you tried putting less emotion into it? What if your response was a stern, calm "this room is for sharing. If you need space from baby you use your words to ask Mommy for help. Since you can't share the play space you must play by yourself." Then silently and calmly put him in his room and walk out. And do the exact same thing every.single.time. until hopefully he gets tired of his play being interrupted and knocks it off! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273758 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 13:13:20 +0000 hellobeeboston 2273758@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OMG i'm terrified this is going to be us very soon. Baby bro is due in a few weeks and my almost 3-year old is already so rough and physical, but i want to make sure to react appropriately! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273756 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 13:11:23 +0000 californiadreams 2273756@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i don't do time outs either, so the thing i would try first based on your post is not to give a warning to take something away, but to follow through on that immediately (no warning, but immediate consequence for unacceptable behaviour). And i might try to teach him how to behave instead, ask him to give a hug to his brother or something and then positively reinforce the good behaviour. </p> <p>And most importantly, i would be trying to positively reinforce good behaviour towards his brother at any given time (not just after he has misbehaved) so he is more likely to be nice than mean (maybe you are already doing that, but I was just going on the info in your post). So for example, when you see him talk to or hug or do anything "nice" towards his brother, then point it out and tell him what he is doing good. And aside from the consequence to his action of hitting, i would not give it too much attention, because he may be doing it as a way getting attention. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273750 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 13:08:43 +0000 Freckles 2273750@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I have also found that threats didn't work well with the oldest so I started using reverse psychology..."okay, I see you're telling me that you don't want to go to the playground today? Okay, if you don't want to go, please keep screaming and shouting (or whatever the negative behaviour is) as much as you want."</p> <p>@winniebee: I would also do timeouts as soon as it happens. We also don't do timeouts (haha read the same book) but for anything where she hits her brother or puts him in danger, without warning I put her on the steps, tell her "3 minutes" and walk away. That will also give me enough time to calm down. Sorry that it's happening. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273699 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 12:14:29 +0000 BandDmommy 2273699@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I'm curious too.. threats really work with LO but I know that will end at some point </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273685 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 11:55:54 +0000 mrbee 2273685@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mamaof2: @MamaG: I'm trying something new with the kids... but it's kind of complicated, so will blog about it after the results are officially in! The short version is, I cut back on the threats... was using those too much, and my eldest is pretty sensitive to them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273635 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:59:48 +0000 blackbird 2273635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: I think if you look hard enough, you'll find evidence for and against time outs. So, don't stress yourself out over if you're damaging your kid, ya know?! For us (2.5 year old), they're effective and only used for really bad behavior we want to nip in the bud, and they work really well. If she slaps or tries to hit any of us or throws things at the dinner table, we immediately pick her up and take her to her room without a lecture. When she's had her 2 minutes, i explain (briefly) what the issue is. Sometimes i think the message gets lost in too much talking. </p> <p>Even my 7 year old nephew gets really *really* upset when one of the babies touches something that is 'his' or gets in his space. This sounds like it could be the case for your older LO. Have you asked him why he pushed/hit/hurt his brother? He's got some kind of feelings going on and he's taking it out on your younger one. Maybe if you can figure out why he's doing it, you can help circumvent the issue. Maybe it's the "effect" he's into...he causes a problem and the after effect is desired </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273632 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:58:40 +0000 ShootingStar 2273632@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just like @lamariniere: we have a zero tolerance policy towards hitting. And also towards throwing things at someone/the dog. I think you need to have some kind of immediate consequence. For us it's timeout because it's effective. For throwing, the toy gets taken away. </p> <p>I think you need to find some kind of consequence with him that works. Something that's immediate. Maybe the timeout could be more effective if done differently? We make DS sit and face the corner with no toys or loveys. Usually this causes a total cry fest. He HATES to be separated from us (even though we're 10 feet away). After a minute or so I ask him if he wants to say he's sorry and get a hug. Sometimes he says yes, sometimes he's stubborn and keeps crying.</p> <p>But there are other consequences you could try. What is he motivated by? Does he like stickers or other rewards? You could a kind of backwards sticker/reward chart - give him a certain amount a day and take them away for bad behavior. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273626 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:51:04 +0000 regberadaisy 2273626@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you followed through with your warnings? I agree with pp that the punishment needs to immediate. For physically hurting his baby brother there should be an immediate consequence. Yelling and stern talking does squat with our terrible threenagers. If he pushes him over a toy then take the toy away from<br /> Him. Remove him from the room.<br /> Maybe it's not timeout, but some other kind of punishment, but whatever it is, needs to be immediate.</p> <p>We also have a zero tolerance policy with hitting. If M does it, I immediately remove her from the room and she goes in timeout. There is a lot of flailing, kicking, screaming. Kicking and punching at her bedroom door. If she doesn't stop that I warn her I will take her stuffed animals away. That is currently her most prized possession. If she keeps kicking and screaming then I follow through and take her stuffed animals away. On bad days I have literally taken every single of her two dozen plus animals away, including the ones in her hammock. We have taken it away all day on really bad days and not given it back till she's been very good.</p> <p>Do you know what they do at preschool if he's bad and if it works? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273619 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:43:14 +0000 Bluebonnet 2273619@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In addition to the ideas above, when we had this issue we read a lot of "Hands are not for Hitting", "Teeth are not for Biting", etc. There is a series of Daniel Tiger episodes that deal with feelings around a new sibling. We played those too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273616 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:41:02 +0000 Maysprout 2273616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Lots of parents warned us of this -that when baby starts moving the fights start. So it's normal, not good, but normal. We've always used her room as a calm down / chill out spot. There's positive discipline sites that can better explain the diff between them and time outs. But between them and talking it out to figure out why she was lashing out and help figure out solutions together those were effective for us at that age. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273610 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:34:24 +0000 MamaG 2273610@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I'd love to hear as well. We are struggling with discipline for our 4 year old. And time outs are not working. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273608 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:33:55 +0000 MamaG 2273608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: We are going through some of these same things even though C is about 9 months older than your kiddo. I talked to our daycare about it to see what their thoughts were. They also brought up the 1:1 time thing. We also struggle as we both work outside the home. But I keep it in mind and am trying to come up with ways that I can get some 1:1 time with C. </p> <p>Our struggle is that C doesn't do the physical roughness to be mean (most of the time) she does it to be entertaining. It doesn't matter what C does, her little sister will laugh. And C might have a future as a comedian. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273607 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:31:30 +0000 Mamaof2 2273607@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: umm, can you wall me too? I need new ideas :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273605 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:27:30 +0000 mrbee 2273605@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: I think timeouts work for kids that are securely attached, but they stopped working for us a while ago! I'll wall you with what's been working for us... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273603 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:26:03 +0000 LuLu Mom 2273603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For violence we do timeouts, it's the only thing that is effective. And there is no warning, you hit/kick/bite it's immediately to her room for timeout. We do 3 minutes and if she's ready to say she's sorry then she can come out, if she says "no" then she sits longer. We even started doing timeouts on the staircase since she was just playing in her room missing the punishment. Sit on staircase without moving for 3 minutes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273602 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:24:32 +0000 winniebee 2273602@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: T was having behavioral issues, not listening at all and lots of melt downs probably 3-4 months ago and so I read "No Bad Kids" and the methods there really helped us. But now we're at another cross-roads so I think I need to rethink things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273600 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:22:32 +0000 lamariniere 2273600@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: I've never actually read anything for or against time outs. I just know they work for us. :happy: If you are comfortable using them as discipline, maybe it's worth a shot to try again in this situation? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-3yo-beating-up-baby#post-2273597 Wed, 26 Aug 2015 10:20:26 +0000 winniebee 2273597@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mamaof2: Not really....I WAH/SAH and my husband works a ton....so I don't really have the option for 1:1 time. Though yesterday I did take him out with me when we had a babysitter. I'm thinking it's just annoyance at his brother being in his space.</p> <p>I really wanted to avoid time outs because they never solved any disciplinary issues in the first place....but it seems like I don't have a choice. </p>