https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 13 Apr 2026 00:01:44 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments/page/2#post-2423950 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 22:45:09 +0000 jaguar 2423950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do think the gender comment is very insensitive - though I doubt she probably even realises how much those comments hurt someone who has gone through a miscarriage and is so desperately craving a baby, any baby, to hold in their arms. I guess in my way I always try to gently educate people... they're entitled to their feelings about life situations (of course - we all are!) but perhaps YOU might not be the best person to share that with, at this particular point in time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments/page/2#post-2423940 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 22:22:55 +0000 LCTBQE 2423940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluerose: welcome! there's already so much great advice from all these wise ladies. just wanted to be one more person telling you, I've been there, and it is incredibly painful. in the couple of weeks after my losses, I remember that pregnant strangers putting their hands on their bellies felt like a personal affront set out to hurt my feelings. sounds insane, but it felt so true. Like @MrsDragon: said, the people who have gone through this agony will do better with you than the ones who haven't. </p> <p>yes, of course your friend is entitled to her feelings, but this wasn't the time/place/person to vent them to. my answer to your question of how to deal with it is that I'm realizing that talking about the pain with my real-life pregnant people is the only way to move through my resentment of their lack of understanding--kind of forces them to understand, at least a little better. so if and when you're ready, if it ever feels right, maybe it would help to be open about how much this hurts. who decided that we're going to discuss pregnancy and babies and birthing stories until the end of time, but pain gets swept under the rug because it's uncomfortable? for lack of better comment: F that :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments/page/2#post-2423876 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 20:41:44 +0000 simplyfelicity 2423876@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Welcome to our little community! I am so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine announced her pregnancy (we both had our first losses at the same time) after I had been crying to her about my second and very recent loss. It was really hard to watch her model her maternity jeans in front of me. I went into the bathroom of the restaurant and sobbed. I put a lot of distance between us because she really hurt me.<br /> When I got pregnant again, I reached out to her and finally explained what happened. She said it just never occurred to her. I have since forgiven her but things aren't really the same.<br /> I think you might need to be honest with her if she makes another comment like that. If you don't think she would be receptive, distance might be a good idea.<br /> Once again, I am so sorry. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423850 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 20:16:36 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2423850@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I say a bit of distance is good right now. I am so sorry for your loss. </p> <p>When I had a miscarriage this summer, someone posted here about gender disappointment. All I could think of was "are you $/&amp;*ing kidding me?!" I'll take whatever I can get! </p> <p>Hugs to you, so sorry :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423825 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 19:50:46 +0000 bluerose 2423825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you all very much for taking the time to comment. It was really helpful to read them all. I do agree that she did not mean to hurt me or upset me, but after many conversations like this maybe a little distance is wise. I also, in no way meant her feelings aren't real or valid. I care about her and want her to be happy. I want to hear her feelings too. I just think her choice of wording and timing could have been different and that was why I thought it insensitive.<br /> Thanks again, reading all these comments helped and I'm glad I finally took the leap to join hellobee and start posting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423793 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 19:15:23 +0000 SweetiePie 2423793@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluerose: I'm so sorry for your loss. Before I answer your question, I wanted to say welcome. I wish it was under better circumstances, but (unfortunately) there are a lot of ladies in this community that can relate to how you're feeling, you aren't alone!</p> <p>I had two losses and while I can't think of specifics, I do remember there being some stinging comments. And even when I started IVF, a friend who had never miscarried or had trouble conceiving said "well IVF isn't that big of a deal". Huh? Who says that?<br /> The people who hurt me with their comments - I know they didn't meant to. And it sounds like your friend probably didn't mean to either. I think getting into specific comments with her might not be worthwhile (especially if she never MC'd, it's true that it's one of those things you don't "get" until you're in it). But if you can muster the courage to say that generally you're really raw right now and talking about her pregnancy is hard to do, I think she'll get that. And even if she doesn't "get" it (like why her pregnancy would be hard for you) she'll at least know and maybe be more selective in what she says.<br /> Something like "Hey, I'm honestly and truly really happy for you and I can't wait to meet him, but right now with the MC being so new, EVERYTHING baby and pregnancy is really hard for me to talk about. Not just yours! It just reminds me of my loss. Is it OK if we avoid the topic for a little while?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423780 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 18:52:11 +0000 ms.line 2423780@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've never had a miscarriage, but I can imagine being really hurt by your friend's comments, especially when they're happening repeatedly. ("Mourning a loss" is a hardcore foot-in-mouth move.) I would probably distance myself for a while, or just straight up tell her that it's hard for you to hear her complaints about her healthy pregnancy in the wake of your miscarriage. Hugs to you. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423766 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 18:37:18 +0000 magnolia 2423766@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I couldnt be around pregnant people or babies for a very long time after both of my miscarriages. So I give you a lot of love for being there for your friend. Maybe you could write down how you feel so you can process it and she can also have time to read it and take it in. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423765 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 18:37:05 +0000 mrbee 2423765@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A request to stay on-topic with the OP's question:</p> <p>&lt;&lt; I guess to sum it up I'm wondering how some of you handle insensitive comments while recovering from a miscarriage? &gt;&gt;</p> <p>@bluerose: When my wife was recovering from her miscarriages, we had a really hard time with insensitive comments. We both became really sensitive in general. I never realized how many strollers there were in the world until we had our first miscarriage! Every stroller filled with a baby felt like a personal rebuke in those first few days and weeks.</p> <p>We ended up withdrawing from the world for a little bit during the healing process... it gave us the time and space we needed to move forward.</p> <p>Much love and healing to you!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423763 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 18:29:19 +0000 Mrs D 2423763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: again I am not competing over the which loss is worse. Yes my husband gets to bring home his daughter (hopefully) and that is wonderful. Doesn't change the fact that he'll never bring home the son he has dreamed of and prayed for. I'm fine with someone mourning that loss - but then again I think it's just generally in poor taste to tell people how they should or should not feel about their own personal situations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423760 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 18:19:35 +0000 Truth Bombs 2423760@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: you are entitled to your opinion. I just sincerely hope for the sake of your daughter that by the time she gets home you have decided that having her be a girl is better than not having her at all. Because if not, how sad for her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423750 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:54:33 +0000 blackbird 2423750@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423749 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:53:03 +0000 pwnstar 2423749@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: It's the law of holes: when you're in one, stop digging.</p> <p>OP: I'm very sorry for your loss. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423748 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:51:13 +0000 Mrs D 2423748@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I Respectfully agree to disagree. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423744 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:44:45 +0000 Smurfette 2423744@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: you might be disappointed your baby is a girl but you still have a baby to bring home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423739 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:38:23 +0000 blackbird 2423739@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: Common sense, man. You don't complain about your dead gerbil when someone says their husband died. There is a heirarchy....no penis (or vagina) is not the same as loss of a baby </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423735 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:33:09 +0000 Mrs D 2423735@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: sorry I just generally think you don't compete over who's loss is worse. A loss is a loss - arguing over which is "worse" is a pointless thing. Losses are relative to ones experiences - as are people's feelings. Just my opinion. Ops mc may be the hardest thing she has been through, and for this friend the gender disappointment may be the hardest thing she has been through...why make it a competition to who us more entitled to the opinion. That's all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423734 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:30:36 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2423734@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am very sorry for your loss. :heart: </p> <p>But I do agree with a couple of the PPs - I don't really find your friends comments to be insensitive. Especially if you guys were having a conversation about her pregnancy. Understandably, it might be really hard for you to talk about babies and pregnancy right now. And that's OK! You have every right to tell your friend (or other people in your life) that those are just not topics that you feel up to talking about under the current circumstances. But it sounds like from your post that you guys were having a friendly conversation about her pregnancy and if so, things like that are going to come up. I don't think that she is being insensitive by taking part in the friendly conversation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423733 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:29:29 +0000 Alba4 2423733@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry for what you are going through. To be honest, I don't think she meant to be insensitive. People say things and really don't even realize they are being insensitive.</p> <p>I've been on both sides. I've had two miscarriages and I know I've been upset by comments people have said when it was mostly me being sensitive and just mourning our loss. Now I'm on the other side. I'm currently pregnant and one of my BFFs just had a miscarriage. Having been through what she is going through twice, I'm very cautious in re: to my pregnancy complaints. Even though I'm going through my own struggles this current pregnancy, I try not to say anything that may offend her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423731 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:26:02 +0000 blackbird 2423731@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry your friend had a lapse in common sense and judgement. Talking about your potential gender issues in the same breath as someone's miscarriage is really inappropriate :( I mean....duh. Take some space for sure </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423722 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 17:13:48 +0000 deerylou 2423722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry, but what? I have an immensely hard time with the idea that a loss is a loss, and all are perfectly equal in their validity. Grief for a child that will not come to be, devastation over a genuine life that is suddenly lost - I cannot put those experiences on par with "gender disappointment." Not getting the "right" gender and/or perceived experiences (gender stereotypes) you initially hoped for is not equal to the devastation of miscarriage and/or infertility.</p> <p>OP, I'm sorry for your pain, and that you felt hurt by your friend's comments. It would bother me, too. If the two of you are close, I think an honest conversation is warranted. If it's too heavy of a topic right now, I'd agree some temporary distance might serve you well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423710 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 16:55:43 +0000 Truth Bombs 2423710@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: I absolutely understand gender disappointment is a real thing. My husband also would have been upset if our second was not a boy. But your quote above was "His dream of having a son was gone...yes we get a baby in the end but it can be just as devastating". Your use of the phrase "just as devastating" says you and your husband would have been equally as upset hearing "it's a girl" as hearing "you lost the baby". I sincerely hope that's not true, but that's what your statement says. And on a thread started by someone who just lost a baby, I didn't think that was an appropriate remark. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423705 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 16:51:18 +0000 arachna 2423705@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've had a couple of miscarriages which obviously sucked but neither of the comments you describe strike me as insensitive and it wouldn't have occurred to me to be hurt by them. If a friend can't talk about it being a crappy month ... I feel like that's so much self censorship it becomes impossible to actually talk at all. And that's okay if you don't feel like talking to anyone for a while! But if you do want to talk... they are going to talk about their lives that's just totally normal and if anything I think saying the month is crappy is empathetic. </p> <p>Agree that "That sucks, I'm sorry for you loss" is what people should say but.. that doesn't make a conversation. </p> <p>I do think someone who is very sensitive would have avoided talking about mourning the loss of a girl when having another boy but to many people it would not occur and I think that's okay. Her loss of a dream is real. And it's totally okay if you don't feel a lot of empathy for her just now. But if you guys were chatting about her pregnancy... that's a really subtle line to draw that I'm not sure she had any way of knowing regarding what does and doesn't hurt you.</p> <p>It's a hard time for you and various things hurt. I wouldn't dwell on what this particular friend's non intentionally hurtful comments made you feel. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423688 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 16:38:11 +0000 Mrs D 2423688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: No one said it was the same...just saying everyone is entitled to have their feelings about things...just as this friend obviously it seems has not experienced a loss and doesn't know what that feels like and therefore may be slightly insensitive or make comments...some people have not experienced gender disappointment and could likewise minimize the feelings their friend should feel. Everyone is entitled to feel what they want about these things...no one needs to compare what is worse...mourning a loss is mourning a loss - no matter what the loss is of - people are entitled to do it as they see fit... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423657 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 16:19:30 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2423657@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: aww man, I didn't mean for what I wrote to come off as a direct comparison of the two. I've only experienced a miscarriage. However, I'm a firm believer that everyone has a right to their feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423656 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 16:18:37 +0000 littlejoy 2423656@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Friends are selfish ... just like we are. We are all human. This doesn't make it hurt any less, but I think that having it in you to forgive selfish/insensitive comments (because we are all on our own journey) is important. </p> <p>That said, I would expect my friends to be sensitive to my situation. Maybe a little space would be good, or a simple mention that it hurt you. I was guilty of saying things like, "It just wasn't meant to be" (horrible!!!) when I was younger, and it wasn't until later (when I experienced my own m/c) that I realized how insensitive that is. We want to hear: "That sucks. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here for you!" -- when that doesn't happen, you have every right to feel hurt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423648 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 16:15:49 +0000 Maysprout 2423648@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I don't think that's what anyone meant. I lost someone close recently and withdrew for a bit bc I didn't want to talk about trivial crap that didn't matter when such an important person was gone. But normally I talk to DH and friends about big, medium and small things - we're not just one upping each other on deep, meaningful topics of convo. But during grief giving a shit and feeling empathy for others smaller problems can go down. It's not wrong for people to examine their smaller problems and it's not wrong for people to grieve. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423633 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 16:01:24 +0000 mrsmacandcheese 2423633@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've learned over the course of the last several months that people who haven't been there just don't get it. Even if they think they do -- they don't. It is so much harder to actually go through loss; even harder than I could have ever imagined and I used to think I was a pretty sympathetic person. </p> <p>It's amazing the number of heartless comments I've heard from people, even people who are actively TRYING to be helpful. That's not even getting into the things like people complaining about pregnancy issues I would LOVE to be dealing with. So I try to remind myself that they really, truly, don't understand. And if they say something totally outlandish I tell them that they hurt my feelings, so that maybe they won't do it to another person. Surrounding myself with people who DO get it has helped infinitely, too.</p> <p>Sending you lots of love. It is totally normal to feel raw, right now. &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423626 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 15:55:15 +0000 Truth Bombs 2423626@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry but anyone who thinks gender disappointment can be as hard as having a miscarriage has definitely never had a miscarriage. You choose to have a baby knowing you may not get your preferred gender, no one chooses to have a miscarriage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-deal-with-a-friends-insensitive-comments#post-2423616 Fri, 15 Jan 2016 15:51:37 +0000 Madison43 2423616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So sorry about your loss.</p> <p>Because you know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, I'd probably ignore it. True story - despite having experienced infertility firsthand and having been only able to conceive my kids via IVF, I made a comment to a friend undergoing IVF that was so insensitive I literally cannot even think about without getting nauseous with embarrassment. That same friend make an equally insensitive comment to me while my preemie daughter was in NICU, despite having had a child in the NICU herself. Bottom line - sometimes even people with the best intention say stupid shit. </p>