https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 20 Apr 2026 11:24:50 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753394 Thu, 29 Jun 2017 10:29:23 +0000 smocks 2753394@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: Yep! And something to keep on my resume as well :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753389 Thu, 29 Jun 2017 10:14:49 +0000 looch 2753389@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: They're always looking for volunteers. I was the room mom for my son's class this year and now I am on the exec board of the PTO. It could also lead to other opportunities, you know? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753362 Thu, 29 Jun 2017 09:50:11 +0000 smocks 2753362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: Yes, she will be (I'm assuming in the fall, I don't know where exactly we're going to be living yet though so I haven't gotten that far with the research). But I will definitely look into that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753360 Thu, 29 Jun 2017 09:49:29 +0000 smocks 2753360@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sunny: true that! It's exhausting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753359 Thu, 29 Jun 2017 09:48:51 +0000 smocks 2753359@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: Love your philosophy, that's basically what my discussion with DH looked like yesterday. It'll make me happier not to have to feel obligated to go into an unfulfilling job every day (he loves his job, most days). I will be able to spend more time with the kids which I want. I will be able to help take care of everyone better. I won't have to feel rushed to accomplish everything each day because I can spread it out throughout the day at home. I'm coming around that this will be a good thing for US, and trying to reframe so I'm not just thinking of how this will impact ME. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753358 Thu, 29 Jun 2017 09:48:31 +0000 looch 2753358@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: Is your older child going into kindergarten next year? I don't know if this is your cup of tea, but maybe you can take on being the room parent or on the executive board of the PTO/PTA? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753357 Thu, 29 Jun 2017 09:46:00 +0000 smocks 2753357@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: Glad I'm not alone! Yeah I definitely don't feel as hectic during a work day since I sit at a desk and am not chasing my very active toddlers around all day, compared to the weekends when I have them all day. I do think that if we go this route, I'll at minimum need at least a 1/2 day per week (maybe a full day) by myself to work on my goals. </p> <p>Thanks for your thoughts! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753349 Thu, 29 Jun 2017 09:38:06 +0000 smocks 2753349@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kemma: Very true. I know I'll need to do SOMETHING because I know personally that I won't feel fulfilled unless I have some activity that I have scheduled that gets me out of the house and makes some sort of community impact. What that is - I need to figure out. I think that's where part of the fear is coming from, that I'm not sure what path I'll be moving into. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753255 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 23:17:09 +0000 sunny 2753255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: I have similar feelings I struggle with. We don't need my income but I feel guilty "throwing away" my career, education and potential income that would go towards an early retirement for my husband. Yet life is very difficult with 2 of us working full time and we are constantly exhausted. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753251 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 23:14:17 +0000 youboots 2753251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you just go for it. </p> <p>I also have a good education and had a great job at a company that I had a lot of promise at (the VP and I met regularly) and I could have been very successful- but like you it was not my passion. But DHs career took off and I ultimately left to be a self employed photographer knowing that I could help his path and take it a bit easier and down the road raise a family. It did not feel like a great sacrifice. </p> <p>My daughter benefits from a parent with an education and work experience both being self employed and working in the corporate field. It was not a waste it prepared me for this season. Well I closed my business and reopened it in a year and a half. Nothing is static.</p> <p>Our philosophy in our family is as long as our roles are working for everyone then we are good. If not we need to solve the imbalance till everyone is happy again then revaluate as needed. Communication is key for us. I love being mostly SAH. DH also travels a ton so I think even though our situation has challenges I would be very unhappy working FT. It's what works for our family right now, but that could always change. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753247 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 23:05:36 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2753247@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: so I'm in a similar situation where I work very pt but SAH the rest of the time because dh's job and schedule are ALL over the place. It's been like this for years and now he has a bit more say than when he first started. For me I actually found working ft to be easier as a mom, especially mentally and emotionally, so I consider what I'm doing to be a major sacrifice for his career. When I did work ft we had maybe one day off together per month and it actually became somewhat confusing and rough for the kids. It was very hectic (in that regard-physically it was not easy.) Anyway, I think of it as we are all doing our part for our family and right now his is more financial and mine isn't (although we are expecting #3 and child care isn't cheap either! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753246 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 22:57:21 +0000 Kemma 2753246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm a big believer in the concept of life being about seasons and maybe this is just the season for you to focus on your family and have a change of pace / lifestyle. Give it six months and then see how you feel about the change.</p> <p>And staying at home doesn't mean your brain has to go to mush (or that you're throwing away your education), you could always use it as an opportunity to upskill or do some part time study, or you could volunteer at a local organisation that you come into contact with via your kids (in my experience people are always looking skilled volunteers!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753097 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:57:56 +0000 avivoca 2753097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: Gosh, I used to when I had an hour lunch, but it would take me 20 minutes to drive to the nearest oil change place or grocery store.</p> <p>I hope you come to peace with whatever you decide. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753096 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:54:59 +0000 smocks 2753096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@avivoca: Yeah. Staying home was never a goal of mine. I LIKE working, like feeling like an expert in my field, making an impact, etc. But it is so so hard with the vast majority of the household burden on my shoulders. </p> <p>I do errands over my lunch, haha. Oil changes, grocery shopping, returns... it does make a difference, but it's still so hard to fit everything in during the week! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753094 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:52:14 +0000 smocks 2753094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catgirl: yes yes yes! This is exactly my life right now - I'm essentially always solo parenting on top of working 40 hrs a week, paying full time for daycare for 2 kids, doing all household everything... it's too damn much. It's just been the "normal" for us so I know I CAN handle it all, but if I'm being honest, I don't want to.</p> <p>And he has the same schedule as your DH - once he's there, he's there, NO exceptions (he literally worked all through my labor with DS and ended up delivering him as well; had to work with a raging case of HFM, flu, etc). I think it'll be slightly more flexible after this year, but not by much. </p> <p>Thanks for your thoughts! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753083 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:37:33 +0000 avivoca 2753083@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: I guess mine is kind of different. I don't necessarily want to stay at home, but we have been talking about me taking a school job (something clerical) so that I can be off when the kids are out of school, or working part time when they are in school so that there is more time for me to take care of the day-to-day things.</p> <p>Right now, me working FT and my husband working FT isn't really working for our family, especially with him traveling as much as he has, because we are all so busy. Case in point: I'm extremely overdue for an oil change because I haven't had the time to take it in between work and caring for both kids solo. So if I can find a job with school hours, we are thinking it would be a better fit for our family and we'd have more time to enjoy together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753082 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:36:08 +0000 catgirl 2753082@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So I felt this way a lot originally but I have really tried to work through it. I was extremely lucky that my parents paid for college and I felt so guilty that I allowed them to do that and then started staying home only a few years later. But I talked with them, and they are happy I get to have this time with DD and they feel better knowing the degree is there if/when I go back to work. </p> <p>I felt bad knowing my husband was taking on the full financial burden of our family. But again, I talked to him and he pointed out all the ways me being home has helped him advance in his career. Like others we see it as a family decision that really does benefit all members of our family. If/when it is no longer working for one (or all) of us we can reevaluate. </p> <p>We also discussed what my life would look like if I were working - DH works every weekend, his two days off are constantly changing, his schedule day to day is unpredictable, and he can't easily leave work once he is there. While that all sucks, we knew that's how it would be. So I would be working m-f, solo every weekend, need to be prepared to do all drop offs/pick ups, be able to do all sick days, we would have to pay for daycare for 5 days even if we only use 3 because DH's schedule can't be predicted, and we wouldn't have a day all together without one of us taking a vacation day. </p> <p>Could we do that? Sure. But we don't have to and it sounds like hell. So if you WANT to stay home it sounds like it would work well for your family, but remember it's doesn't have to be permanent. Keep an open line of communication with your DH and see how it goes. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753080 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:32:34 +0000 smocks 2753080@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@KayKay: Love this viewpoint. Honestly, it'll probably be better use of my time focusing on strategically investing rather than trying to struggle making an income that is only marginally going to put us in a better position financially. And with all the benefits of having an extra 40 hours a week to focus on family - I really think I just need to flip my mindset a little. I think it's obvious what I want and what would be best for us, I just need to acknowledge it and switch my mindset around. Thanks for sharing your experience!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753075 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:26:20 +0000 smocks 2753075@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: he keeps telling me to frame it that way too - that he supports whatever I want to do, but he'd prefer me to stay home so I can be more flexible to do things with him during the day if the kids if they're in school, not be so stressed trying to fit everything in, higher quality family time, less being rushed, etc. </p> <p>I think he basically expects (and is probably right) that I'm going to get sick of it and at least try part time SOMETHING, and is supportive of that, but we'd both definitely prefer more flexibility in my schedule.</p> <p>I'm loving hearing everyone else's experiences! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753064 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 14:08:52 +0000 KayKay 2753064@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: similar situation -- never grew up wanting to SAH (or really knowing anyone who did...very blue collar area), was quite successful at my job but didn't feel that passionate about it, and eventually SAH due to circumstances of DH's training/job. here's what has helped me:</p> <p> - looking at it as "retirement" from my job, not SAH. i've gotten flack for calling it that. but my point is: no one gives anyone shit if they say they want to retire at 30 (or 40 or whatever). no one comments on whether they're "wasting" whatever degree they earned, etc. i worked hard for 10y and now, financially, do not need to anymore. regardless of whether i'm now doing leisurely things, taking care of my kids, or whatever (none of their business anyways!), wouldn't most people retire early if they can? isn't that the whole point of playing the lottery!? :) and i supported DH for the 10y i worked, so i have no problem living off his salary now.</p> <p> - looking at it as a family decision that can be revisited often to make sure it's still the best decision for our family. with the moves, we decided that stability for our kids was important, and that stability came from me (almost) always being home and available, whether that means with them all day, picking them up from school, there when they are sick, or whatever. likewise, DH doesn't need to worry about most home things, so he can put his efforts into building his career. things might change, but so far, it's still made the most sense to be home.</p> <p> - looking at the things i lose out on if i do go back to work. i'll still have to do a bunch of the things that i dislike about SAH/running a household/whatever. it's the little things for me that i will no longer have time for: running, building a village in our new city far from family, some amount of relaxing &amp; recharging. i'd rather be able to do that stuff than fulfill someone else's vision of what i should be doing with my life/degree/etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753049 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 13:41:36 +0000 gingerbebe 2753049@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: I really do get it. We don't have ANY family support nearby and we don't use a sitter anymore (long story). So I work part time right now M-W and have Th and Friday "off." My kids are in full-time care. I spend those 2 off days getting my errands done (groceries, meal planning, cooking meals in advance, chores, personal care) and DH and I usually go out to breakfast or lunch together one of the days as our weekly date. It has been really wonderful for my marriage to have that balance and flexibility in terms of caring for our kids when they are sick or getting doctor's appointments in for them, etc. </p> <p>I'm doing this because I am not cut out to be a SAHM where my kids are at home with me all day long. If I did stay at home full time (before the kids started actual school), I would need them to at least attend some kind of school or class a few days a week in the mornings so I can get ahead on my household duties, and by working part-time, I can keep my law license current, get cheap health benefits, and pay for daycare. DH loves our set up because he gets to see me without the kids during the week and we can do parent errands like rearrange the kids' furniture or whatever while they are out of our hair. I can also have one-on-one dates with one of my kiddos on days I am home and its wonderful. Last week DS1 was out of school one day because he was just a touch too sick to go (he had a fever the previous day and we weren't past the 24 hour rule), and we just had a best day together doing stuff.</p> <p>So I would think about it that way too - that its good for your marriage and your family overall to see your husband during the week and spend quality time together and have time and space to get the household stuff done so that when you do have family time together, it can be focused family time. I may SAHM once our kids are school age, but for now while they are young, this works. Not having any outside support for the kids is so tough! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753030 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 13:07:41 +0000 smocks 2753030@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: That's part of my fear. I don't have a support system. We have no family anywhere near where we're moving and DH is pretty unreliable from a day-to-day task standpoint, with his weird schedule. I've made it work thusfar (we're in the same situation right now, no family nearby) bc my job has been flexible with sick kids/working from home with my laptop, etc. But - we're moving close to a major airport, my parents are retiring this year, and we'll finally have the space to host visitors so that may not be too awful.</p> <p>I did take 3 months off when we moved last, when my first was 6-9mo. old because my job in this location wasn't confirmed yet. I liked it, but still felt pretty disheveled at that point because I was a new mom and the job was up in the air and DH was just starting this new training chapter and... yes, it was hard. I'm hoping it's slightly easier with the kids being a little older/independent, but I'm probably kidding myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753024 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 13:01:37 +0000 smocks 2753024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: They're in full time school now (and have been since 11 weeks old). I think that's also part of where the "guilt" is coming in - like I won't be with them 100% of the time therefore I'm not even "working" as a SAHM full time. </p> <p>You're right - I need to reframe my perspective to see that down time as a gift/opportunity. I'm not going to be sitting on the couch while the kids are at school watching trashy TV all day, I'll be ensuring everyone is organized, thriving, healthy, and take some time that I haven't really had the last few years to focus on myself and what makes me feel like I've contributed my skills and interests to the world. </p> <p>Thank you for your thoughts! You guys are all really helping! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753018 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 12:53:20 +0000 smocks 2753018@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@My Only Sunshine: Thanks for your thoughts! That hits something for me - DH is always like "we should do something" when he has time off but it's literally always when I'm trying to get housework done because I have no other time to do it. And then we both feel unfulfilled because either our house is trashed or we have no fun experiences. It's hard to find a middle ground with no productive home time during the day.</p> <p>And I agree on the money thing, I don't see it as "his vs mine" at all - he jokes that it's basically 95% mine anyways bc he handles zero of the financial stuff in our relationship, says he may just want an allowance for computer equipment and fun coffees (lol). I just am having a hard time giving up on me actually having a paycheck in my name. It's all mental. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753005 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 12:38:02 +0000 looch 2753005@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I believe that you truly don't know how you will feel until you're in the situation. I worked for over 11 years, but when my son was born, I stayed at home for him for 2 years.</p> <p>Looking back, it was the worst time and place for me to stay at home, I didn't have the support system I needed and I struggled big time. So much so that my husband came home from work one day to me in tatters and he basically said "you need to go back to work." I did, and it's been great for our family (although, not without bumps, there are ALWAYS bumps).</p> <p>I say try it, and then decide if you like staying at home. If you don't, you can always return to work. I think there is a limited amount of time that you can take off, that's dependent on your industry and that does vary. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753004 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 12:36:18 +0000 gingerbebe 2753004@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you shouldn't worry about this now. </p> <p>It looks like you have a year out before any of this becomes a reality and a lot is going to change in that time frame. Your 4 year old I assume would be starting full-time school, and in that case you're really just SAHMing for the most part with a 3 year old. That 3 year old is probably going to benefit from maybe going to preschool a few hours a week or classes and activities, so you're not necessarily just sitting at home with a screaming toddler. </p> <p>That's going to leave you with time to do stuff for yourself, not get too overwhelmed with SAHMing two kiddos, and get you into a groove as a SAHM before you have the summer home with 2 kids full-time. By that point, you will have had a school year to dip your feet, both kids should be done with naps, and you can have lots of fun as a family, including DH when he's off work.</p> <p>What I would do in the next year is work on what you'd actually LIKE to do. See this as a gift and an opportunity to make a pivot in your career and find something you ENJOY doing and are passionate about. Once you find what you like doing, you can figure out a way to monetize it. And even if it ends up being a side hustle that doesn't bring in much money, it may scratch that itch in terms of "contributing."</p> <p>Finally, there's no "wasting" seniority and experience in a job or career you don't like. Its actually more wasteful and frankly more harmful in the long-run to your mental health if you feel trapped in a job you're unfulfilled in just because you have time in. Its called golden handcuffs for a reason.</p> <p>Perhaps you can explore ways you can keep the door open with your current company or see if you can move to a contractor position so that you can work more part-time or whatever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2753000 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 12:33:23 +0000 MrsBucky 2753000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: I totally hate journaling, but it really has helped me sort things out, hah! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2752999 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 12:31:20 +0000 My Only Sunshine 2752999@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@smocks: I was a lawyer for 8 years and left my job to stay home a few months ago. It has been a good move for our family and overall easier for me than I expected. I actively disliked my job and did not see myself practicing law long term, so that made the transition easier. I felt like it might be closing the door forever on my legal career, but I hated it anyway so good riddance. If I had been in a career I saw myself returning to, I may have tried to stay on in a very part time role or freelance.</p> <p>We made a giant pro/con list when we were deciding if I should stay home. The pros were things like less illness, someone always available for the kids, time when we're together can be fun instead of stressful cooking dinner and doing housework, and vacation days can be for actual vacation instead of doctor's visits. The con was basically my income and job potentials in the future. The written pro/con list was helpful.</p> <p>Another thing we have been very clear on is that this is a family decision that benefits everyone. I truly don't have the feeling that our money is any less mine because I didn't "earn" it. My husband is able to focus on his job better and be present at the office more because I'm home to deal with the kiddos. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2752996 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 12:22:31 +0000 smocks 2752996@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBucky: I've never really journaled before, I'll try it out :) I think something written down that I can reference if I start feeling overwhelmed or doubting my decision will help snap me out of it. Thanks for your thoughts! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-get-over-the-guilt#post-2752995 Wed, 28 Jun 2017 12:19:09 +0000 MrsBucky 2752995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I 100% understand where you are, because I was there too. Except I was miserable at work and struggling so much. I felt like everyone believed I should work, and I worried I was throwing everything away, even though we can live on my husband's salary and in truth I was throwing away my time and energy to a job I didn't love. It took me 6 months to work up the courage to resign. Therapy legit helps me sort through my fear/guilt/feelings/thoughts. It's a process that is still ongoing. The things I did that helped me were: I had a plan (take the summer off, take care of myself, plan on perusing PT options i researched heavily before I resigned come the fall), I left in a way that would make it very easy to go back if I change my mind, and reminded myself over and over that no decision is permanent. Maybe try journaling? That can help sort out your thoughts and review them objectively to sort out which are really true and which ones you need to actively contradict in your head. Good luck with whatever you decide!! </p>