https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 30 Apr 2026 19:18:51 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728761 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 11:23:20 +0000 alphagam84 2728761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I nip that stuff in the bud when it happens. When DD was little, there was one function where my MIL kept coming up and taking DD from me without asking or saying anything to me. I was going to tell DH about it after we left and have him speak to her but the 4th time it happened I just snapped at her. It was really weird though and such an invasion of my personal space. I was standing with FIL while holding DD and she was touching a flower. Where we were standing there wasn't any room for MIL to be so she came up behind me and tried to reach around me from behind to just take DD from me. I finally snapped at her that she just couldn't take DD from me and needed to ask if she wanted to hold her. Never happened again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728175 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 09:50:06 +0000 pachamama 2728175@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: Ugh, I can so relate to what you're going through. Aren't grandparents so weird about controlling everything about your kid when they watch them and not liking when you ask them the SIMPLEST things? My mom also threatened to not watch my son when I asked her to babyproof, hide medicines, strap in her TV, etc. The more I push the more she fights. So I came to this conclusion... my kid is safe with her and he's very happy and I'm being the overprotective one ... so I just let it go. I don't ask her anything and she does her thing. :-/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728070 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 00:50:14 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2728070@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>With what you explained, I would worry about my child growing up seeing that people close to him ignore and undermine his mother. That is definitely not something he should learn. I would bypass your husband and talk to your MIL woman-to-woman and explain your feelings. You mentioned how you previously had a good relationship with them. Maybe it's time to have a talk and it's difficult to express your feelings through another person (especially if that person isn't used to expressing his own). Doing it now that you're pregnant would be ideal, IMO. Hugs! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728064 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 23:07:24 +0000 Amorini 2728064@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: So sorry you're dealing with this. Just hearing about this triggers my new mom anxiety for you. My ILs are similarly self-centered and DH placates, though a lot of our issues are cultural difference. It's so complex but we are in marriage counseling. ILs have never had lengthy independent time with my LO because he is too young and they are very far away. Thankfully...</p> <p>I agree with Skipra...DH needs to get on the same page that mom+baby is his immediate family and they take priority. It seems like such a given. Some things run very very deep, however. I'm committed to working through things to keep my family together but there are limits...and we can't change people. Hang in there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728046 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 21:14:21 +0000 youboots 2728046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: I'm not sure if I missed it but how old is your son? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728045 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 21:10:53 +0000 youboots 2728045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I agree. Free is not worth the cost in these situations. I think it can be super beneficial if it is working for everyone. But 90 minutes from home without expressed permission is cray. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728044 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 21:05:19 +0000 Truth Bombs 2728044@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The fact of the matter is, you are his mother. Whether your in laws think your requests are crazy or overbearing doesn't actually matter. He's your kid, so what you say goes. Your husband needs to realize that your comfort trumps his parents feelings when it comes to your kid. But, im a big believer that you don't have much ground to stand on when grandparents are providing free childcare. I would eliminate that role from them asap. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728041 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 20:57:30 +0000 LemonJack 2728041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: They took him an hour and a half away from your house and didn't tell you?! I'm super easygoing and I would flip at this. </p> <p>It's clear you're pushing for boundaries because boundaries are needed. Your DH needs to be on board with this though, so you are united as a team.</p> <p>I'm sorry you're dealing with this. That would really stress me out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728025 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 19:51:03 +0000 Ali-oop 2728025@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pancakes: That is essentially what I've asked them to do. Just tell me where you're going and when you think you'll be back. I've never asked for a play by play. But we've had a couple instances where they said they would be home with him by a certain time and when I get home from work the house was empty. And then my crazy Mommy brain starts imagining the worst. Just last week they took him to lunch and said they'd be back by 1:30. My husband said if you'll be later than that just tell her because she'll stop home at lunch to let the dogs out. We didn't hear from them all day and I assumed they were back home until I saw a FB post that showed them 1.5 hour away from my house at 2:00. They got back to my house at 4:00. A text was all I needed so I knew to let my dogs out. To me that's just simple respect and basic communication. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2728010 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 19:00:07 +0000 Pancakes 2728010@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: Do you think when they're watching your son, they feel silly texting, 'hey, we're going to Target now!' Then two hours later, 'FYI, we're going to the park!' Might they respond better to telling your husband, these are the places we are thinking we might go today, just so you know where they'll be out and about? I agree that your husband needs to back you up or you won't get anywhere with them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727987 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 17:01:49 +0000 skipra 2727987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My relationship with the IL:s totally went to crap once we had kids and for a while it put a strain on our marriage. It took some major blow up arguments between DH &amp; I until he realized that his kids and I were his family first. It is an adjustment to realize you as the mother of his children trumps his own mother. I would suggest therapy over fighting if possible. It really hit home for him when I told him it wasn't going to work out between us if he couldn't back me up 100% when it came to our kids and his family. The issues there were also boundaries and expectations and respecting me as their grandchild's mother, so similar to yours. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727912 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 11:57:02 +0000 Ali-oop 2727912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: I know they aren't harming my son, but pissing off Mom is never a good idea. And I'm sorry but my sanity and peace of mind are important to me. Regardless of the severity of their actions, they are hurtful and disrespectful to me which I think is a problem. And I'm not asking to cut ties with them. The solution is very simple, but they just choose not to do anything. </p> <p>@ElbieKay: Yes to all of this. A well intentioned person is my mom who if I tell her not to do something once, she never does it again. I don't have to ask five more times. She remembers and respects what I said. And your comment about their grandparent fantasy is so spot on. When I was pregnant with my son all I heard was about how my MIL ("my princess" according to my FIL) has been waiting for a grandchild for 30 years. I genuinely think they think I had him for them. And they have this unrealistic idea of what being a grandparent is. They want to come in, get me out of the picture and do whatever they want with him.</p> <p>@youboots: No, no language or cultural barrier. They are extremely different from my family and DH was raised very differently from me and I think that's a huge part of the issue. They don't adjust to other people or situations they are in. They just expect to come into someone's house, be loud and rude and take over the situation. So I think they assumed they could do the same with my son. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727895 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 10:06:34 +0000 youboots 2727895@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@honeybear: this is a huge problem. I agree you don't need to ask to hold your own child.</p> <p>@Ali-oop: is there any kind of language or cultural differences in play here?</p> <p>You and DH have to be on the same page. Get counseling if you can't get it resolved.</p> <p>You are the parent you have every right to know where your child at all times. </p> <p>My MIL told DH that my DD is her grandchild and she can take DD wherever she wants without letting us know, do whatever she wants and feed her whatever she wants because she's grandma not the babysitter. Guess who has not watched DD for 4 months? That does not and will not fly, I'm the parent and I make the rules. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727893 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 09:56:35 +0000 Elizabear 2727893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can relate to in laws not respecting you as the mother and knowing their role. I ve come very close to saying I am her mother and you follow my instructions or you don't get to be with her. Luckily my mil canceled the two times we asked her to babysit and I won't ask again. I pretty much watch my daughter and correct as needed when mil is around. We limit visits snd time together so I'm not annoyed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727889 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 09:22:34 +0000 ElbieKay 2727889@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: I completely disagree with what you wrote. The in-laws don't sound like well-intentioned good people. They sound like jerks who disrespect the OP's authority as the parent. I expect anyone who watches my child to respect and enforce my rules. Otherwise they are teaching my child that my rules can be ignored. I just had a big argument with my parents for not enforcing my screen time rules with my son. They ignored me multiple times so I got angry with them, and they had the gall to whine about how they didn't need a lecture. Well, if I ask nicely a few times and get ignored, maybe you do need a lecture.</p> <p>I would absolutely pull the plug on my current grandparent babysitting arrangement (two afternoons per week, in place for the past three years since my maternity leave ended) if I think they cross too far over this line.</p> <p>Your comments contribute to the OP's husband's gaslighting and trying to undermine her role. She needs to get her husband to stop prioritizing his parents' grandparent fantasy over her experience as a mom. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727888 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 09:21:02 +0000 gingerbebe 2727888@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: Your problem is your husband. </p> <p>You both need to get on the same page about what is or isn't appropriate for your kids. This could mean compromising certain things on your end, but ultimately agree on parameters and acceptable behavior. And just like with parenting, agree on following through. Then it's up to both of you to enforce. With his parents, he will have to do more of the enforcing, but since you have both agreed to certain parameters, you can say WE expect these things to happen when you watch our child.</p> <p>If you need a counselor to referee the parameter setting and enforcement process, fine, but your ILs will never respect your wishes in a healthy way (I said healthy, not happily or gladly) if your husband doesn't have your back. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727887 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 09:19:22 +0000 azjax 2727887@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@caterw: I have to agree with you on this point. This would be deeply upsetting to me and cause me to question their judgement overall. A text or a phonecall is not too much to ask! However, I don't think these ILs will abide if they know their son will continue to reward their shitty behavior by undermining his wife! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727874 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 08:32:52 +0000 caterw 2727874@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: I absolutely disagree. Her ILs don't tell her where they take her child or have him back when he is supposed to come home. I think it's pretty unsafe not to know where your child is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727871 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 08:06:29 +0000 honeybear 2727871@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: I'm not advocating for cutting ties at all, just cutting the babysitting. The big problem here is that her husband would take their son to the ILs over her objections. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727868 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 07:57:27 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2727868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@honeybear: I just think often when in these situations it's hard but good to step back and look at the big picture. Telling your husband to cut off ties with his parents over stuff like this or letting it ruin your marriage are pretty big steps that I view as only when it's something major happening and all other avenues have been exhausted. </p> <p>Don't be a door mat but pick your battles. It sounds like ILs are good people. They just are maybe lacking some common courtesy and differing in parent styles. Learn to live with what you can live with and only speak up for things that are absolute deal breakers. </p> <p>My MIL will watch the kids, let them get filthy, give them a bath and put them back in the same clothes. Irritating yes. Harmful no. Same thing of IL swooping in and grabbing my kids without giving them personal space or room to react. I try my best to limit this but their heart is in the right place. They want to love and comfort my kids. They aren't trying to hurt/harm anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727867 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 07:49:23 +0000 honeybear 2727867@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: I hear you, and agree when we're talking genuinely small irritations, but I feel like one does not have to be a doormat about things like who is caring for your child and where they are. I tend to observe that people who don't do the little stuff with common courtesy and decency (handing back a child whose parent has asked for him is really basic) are not likely to take requests about bigger things seriously either. </p> <p>@Ali-oop: I feel like a neutral third party is your best bet. I think parents being on the same page about who gets to spend solo time with their child is a foundational issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727866 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 07:38:26 +0000 azjax 2727866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think the major issue here is that your ILs can tell that your husband doesn't truly back you up and they are exploiting that weakness. To me, the resolution for this issue lies with your DH respecting you and supporting you. Until that happens, I don't think there is much you can do if your DH is willing to go behind your back and undermine you. Sorry you are in this place :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727862 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 07:20:30 +0000 littlebug 2727862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: Not texting/calling when they take him somewhere would be a major issue for me. It's not like you're asking them to check in every hour. All you want is to know where they're going and for how long. If they can't understand why that's important, then they don't need to watch him.</p> <p>ETA: I hear you on the relationship with ILs changing with kids. I LOVED my ILs before we had kids. Since D was born, it's become increasingly more strained. It sucks. I'm sorry it's happening to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727861 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 07:18:24 +0000 caterw 2727861@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: they don't get "their day"- he is YOUR kid! Babysitting should benefit the parents, not so the grandparents can borrow your baby. He isn't a library book. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727858 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 07:06:53 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2727858@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know it sucks but the two examples you've given aren't things that will actually harm your child. They aren't feeding him food he shouldn't have or not installing a car seat etc. not to say it's not frustrating but what's more important to your son in the long run? Parents that are together and a good family or keeping him away from these things? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727857 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 06:59:51 +0000 Ali-oop 2727857@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@honeybear: Yes they watch him one day a week. The last time my husband spoke to them about texting me when they take our son places, they threatened to stop watching him. I'm going on maternity leave in 8 weeks so I'll be home full time and will need them less. But my husband would never go for taking their day away from them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727852 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 06:41:42 +0000 honeybear 2727852@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Are they babysitting for you? I can't totally tell from your post, but if that's the case, I think you need to tell them that they can't do that anymore. Be gracious for what they've already done, even though it caused you stress, but find other arrangements and stop using them as sitters entirely.</p> <p>In any event, you shouldn't have to ask to hold your child! He's your child, not theirs. They get to hold the baby with your permission. Your husband needs to understand this. If he doesn't see that, and if he's willing to override your wishes about who spends time with your son to appease them, I think counseling is in order. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727851 Sun, 23 Apr 2017 05:52:56 +0000 ElbieKay 2727851@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: It sounds like you and your husband should discuss this topic with a counselor.</p> <p>My husband defends his mother to me more than I think is appropriate, but it's not nearly as extreme as what you are describing. (It's more like she dictates to him all these terms, like what constitutes a "long enough" visit, and he insists that he can't push back.) We have never gone to therapy together but I would consider it for this topic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727838 Sat, 22 Apr 2017 21:30:14 +0000 Coral 2727838@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ali-oop: I'm sorry but if he's surprised by the way they act toward you, then why would he undermind you by bringing your son to them anyway? Step one is getting on the same page with your husband. If you aren't a united front on this as a couple, things won't change. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-handle-disrespectful-inlaws#post-2727837 Sat, 22 Apr 2017 21:23:08 +0000 Ali-oop 2727837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Bluebonnet: My husband will only address it so much. Then he'll tell me I need to start just letting things go. And if I even mention limiting contact with them, he'll say that he'll just bring my son to them anyway. He has a hard time seeing his parents for who they really are. He's always surprised with how they act towards me. </p>