https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 21 Apr 2026 16:07:39 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109675 Mon, 16 Mar 2015 00:22:28 +0000 gingerbebe 2109675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1. Take time to process your feelings and what exactly was so offensive to you.<br /> 2. Don't feel like you or your kids need to speak to her until you have processed.<br /> 3. Let your husband speak clearly and firmly about how he refuses to have her speak to you that way and will not allow his children to watch anyone disrespect their mother.<br /> 4. When you are ready respond to her via email or text explaining what exactly bothered you and why you do not feel comfortable letting your kids have contact with her until these issues have been resolved because you refuse to let your girls get stuck in the middle of an adult conflict.<br /> 5. If she will not apologize and resolve the situation in good faith then not having contact with your family is her decision. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109484 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 19:09:32 +0000 Peasinapod 2109484@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@luckypenny: that's really rough. I agree with others it's probably best to have space and tread lightly at this point. Hopefully with time she'll realize she needs to address the troubles she's having. My only advice would be to try not to take things too personally. Don't accept bad behaviour but also don't let it affect how you feel about yourself or a potential future relationship with your mil if things improve. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109452 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 18:05:31 +0000 blackbird 2109452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd probably follow DH's lead. If he doesn't want to have contact, then I'd follow suit. I think it says a lot. I agree that family tends to be a package deal and that means she can have a relationship with your kids when she can not be a nasty wench about things. Or get help. </p> <p>When I have parental issues, I take a communication break. It helps a lot </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109445 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 17:58:08 +0000 Modern Daisy 2109445@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh! Well, you can choose to take a stand and cut off communication with her and keep her from seeing your LO's until she apologizes. But do you think she will ever do that? Or Is this her way of apologizing? Do you think she feels bad at all? I try to put myself in that persons shoes and think about whether or not they feel like a jerk. I would not be warm or conversational with her anymore, but I might agree to requests to facetime with LO's and requested meetups, etc. cordially if you think it is what is best for your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109437 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 17:40:10 +0000 Anagram 2109437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@luckypenny: if her insults were all over your care of YOUR daughter, who you know best, then I Definitely think a long break is in order until she feels ready to apologize. My younger sister has severe mental illness--she's schizophrenic--and I have been through a lot of awful stuff with her and I still love her and put up with her BUT I would never in a million years leave her alone with my LO, not even on her best days. It does sound like your MIL has issues..maybe untreated mental illness... But I think keeping her at arm's length from your kids is totally sensible. Maybe skype sessions led by your husband with you not there are okay--but in person visits wait until she can treat your respectfully. Sorry you are dealing with this--in law drama is hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109434 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 17:36:28 +0000 holdonforonemoreday 2109434@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ohhh I feel like I could have written this. In my case, I have two MILs (the GMIL who raised DH as a son and the actual MIL, both are insane) who are somewhat cut off from us. I actually had to call the cops on my MIL bc she threatened in writing to b%$ch slap me blind. I am selfish, a b$%ch, a terrible mother, the reason we are broke, unemployable, you name it, that's me. (They have said all of that about me) It's incredibly tough, but I do allow my kids to go with DH and see them. I do not go. I've been through tons of therapy over this. I want DH to cut them off but it's his paaaarents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109425 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 17:13:55 +0000 luckypenny 2109425@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Peasinapod: she has her wife. But I think because of her verbal attacks people are afraid to speak up and tell her she needs help :( and after her stay, she never continued with any treatment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109415 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 16:52:13 +0000 Peasinapod 2109415@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@luckypenny: you say she checked herself in to a mental institution is there a chance she's having a relapse? </p> <p>My mother suffers from a mood and anxiety disorder and when her condition deteriorates she will act in a way that is entirely not herself. Especially in high stress situations which if your daughter was having a coughing fit it may have been. </p> <p>My mother is lucky to have my father there to look after her and when she is not herself he gets her help. Is there anyone like that looking out for your mil? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109374 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 15:46:04 +0000 luckypenny 2109374@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSCB: we did have a great relationship. When I met her and started spending time with her we really clicked. She took care of DD1 from the time she was born but she also took care of me, so to speak. Helping me grow into motherhood. She threw me my baby shower. We were like best friends. My husband would talk about her doing the lashing out and I was shocked, like she couldn't be like that. Although, noe I rmember she had checked herself into a mental institution when DH &amp; I were dating (4 years ago). I think DD gave her a lot of purpose. </p> <p>@Anagram: it started because DD had a coughing fit. She had asthma and has seen pulmonologists and many doctors so I feel very well prepared to deal with it. She obviousky didn't agree. I even asked her if she had problems with me that we could talk about it when DH arrived so we won't be in front of the kids. And she said no. </p> <p>@lamariniere: @SugarplumsMom: definitely letting time go by! I'm still too ragey lol </p> <p>@Greentea: from the tone of the rest of the email it's obvious she isn't apologizing and even criticizes me more :( I think you and may sprout are like the good Angels on my shoulder ;) I definitely want to be the "bigger person" but I don't want to just pretend like everything is ok after</p> <p>She did do something like this before but we thought it was because we were moving in a month and I did just pretend like nothing happened. So this time, I feel like there should be consequences. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109366 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 15:29:44 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 2109366@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@luckypenny: I would take some time for yourself to sort out your feelings and reflect on the situation. You don't have to answer me, but is this a first time offense? What was the context of this conversation? It concerns me that your daughter is old enough to notice this conflict, and it's concerning that your MIL would treat you like this in front of her. Your MIL doesn't have to like you, but you are her sons wife and her grandchildrens mother - so at the very least, she has to tolerate you... and that means being cordial and polite. You owe her the same.</p> <p>I wouldn't Necesarily jump straight to a cut-off unless this has been a long time coming, so that's why I'm suggesting taking time to think and sort your feelings.</p> <p>I'm a big believer that your family is a package deal. It's very telling to me that your husband didn't want to talk to her.</p> <p>She also extended a classic fauxpology: a TRUE apology has three forms.<br /> 1. Apolgize and state what you've done wrong ("i am sorry for having called you a bad mother.")<br /> 2. Accept responsibility for your actions ("I shouldn't have called you that and shouldn't have raised my voice in front of the children, setting a poor example for them. You are a patient and caring mother, and I can tell by the way your children __insert action here_____")<br /> 3. Show future actions ("the future, I promise to be respectful of your decision making and will not interfere with your parenting decisions."</p> <p>If she really means it, she'll show remorse and stick to her word. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109344 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:51:44 +0000 Greentea 2109344@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@luckypenny: Have you talked to her about this? I mean, you wrote that she said, "I am sorry I said those things in front of the kids"- does that really mean she isn't sorry for the words themselves, or is it possible that is just how she is coming across? Could that still be apology?</p> <p>I would give her a chance and talk to her about this. The thing is, you are the one who has to live with this situation, you are the one that really knows the ins and outs. Can you talk to her about how she made you feel? Does she care about how you feel? I know you were close to her, it might be worth the effort. If someone hurts you on purpose and doesn't care, THAT is the kind of situation I wouldn't want around, short of that though, I would try to talk to her. </p> <p>@Maysprout: I agree with a lot of what you said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109342 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:50:11 +0000 lamariniere 2109342@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarplumsMom: totally agree. I would let some time go by. I don't see any urgency in making any sort of decisions rightthisminute, especially since your previous relationship seemed like a good one (if you already had a rocky history, maybe this would have been the last straw, but since you didn't seem to, I would refrain from doing anything.. Let some time go by until you have a cooler head. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109332 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:27:40 +0000 Anagram 2109332@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess I would want to know more about the context of her insults--were they during a fight were you were both saying heated words, or did they come out of nowhere or after a normal decision you made that she didn't agree with?</p> <p>I'm a low-drama person, so it would be very hard for me to keep someone like that around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109324 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:21:10 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2109324@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If this is recent, I would take this time to think things through. You need a breather, you do not need to make any decisions now. Give it some time before resuming contact, but perhaps this is a blessing in disguise - do you really want that type of person near your kids? If she couldn't contain herself enough to think before she speaks in front of your kids, then how can you really trust her in the future? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109308 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:07:20 +0000 Maysprout 2109308@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sort of surprised by all this advice. I've heard lots of people say lots of things and make mistakes in moments of passion. Kids aren't ruined by seeing conflict, it occurs and they need to learn how to deal with it. When you're ready (and i think it's totally normal to need a break from someone) I'd respond to her email and tell her how you feel, that it's not just that things were said in front of the kids but how she views you as a person, essentially what you've written here. Family is tricky but I think they are worth extra effort. Someone who repeatedly lashes out is different but I think a conversation needs to be had in this situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109299 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:01:01 +0000 youboots 2109299@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My Mother and my grandmother (her MIL) have always had a difficult relationship. My grandma whom I love and is 94 never misses to criticize my Mom, particularly about how well she does or does not care for my Dads every need. I often had overnights with my grandparents as a child and teenager, since my parents traveled often. Sometimes I would travel hours away to my Aunts with them. Mom does not care much for Grandma either. They tolerate each other in person. Some of the feelings my grandma has towards my mom are about the same as what you mentioned above. All that said, I had no clue there was any drama until long after I was married. I would not call myself the favorite but they doted on me, and the relationship I had with my grandparents I treasured. I just thought my story might inspire you to work towards a resolution, if not now then the future, after she has sufficiently earned your trust. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109270 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 13:26:22 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2109270@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would delete her out of your life. I know it sounds harsh, but that kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable to me. Do you think she will change? If so, maybe you can have some space until things cool down. I want to invest in people that are loving, supportive and respectful. I feel like keeping this kind of relationship with your MIL is going to be a lifetime of drama. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109268 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 13:22:10 +0000 honeybear 2109268@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As hard as it is, I would not let a grandparent have a relationship with the child under circumstances where the grandparent is not willing to be civil (at a minimum!) to their grandchild's parent. The desire to exclude a parent shows disdain for the family, and the child is a part of that family, so it's actually also offensive to the child. I'm sorry you're going through this. Family members being sh***y is the worst. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109259 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 13:05:28 +0000 MrsSCB 2109259@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is so hard. I definitely think that just because someone is family does not meant they're entitled to a place in your life. Sometimes it can just be better in the long run to cut people out. However, I'm a little hesitant to explicitly advocate that in this situation, given that you say you previously had a good relationship. I'm guessing this is the first time such a thing has happened? I don't really know what led to the confrontation, but obviously that kind of treatment is totally unacceptable. I agree with PP that it might be best if your H talks to her and lets her know a sincere apology is expected to move forward. My preference would be in person, that seems more respectful and sincere than email. If she does make an acceptable apology, as hard as it would be, I would try to move past it for the sake of your kids' relationship with her. If this becomes an issue again, though, absolutely cut her out if you wish. I just feel like given your past positive relationship and the fact that this is the first time, I would personally be inclined to give one more try for a better relationship moving forward, however tough that is. Sorry you're dealing with this, and good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109257 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 13:03:32 +0000 wonderstruck 2109257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dad's mother was very much like this - she would make snarky comments about my mother, never anything quite as outright as that though, right in front of everyone, and my mom would end up forgiving her because she felt like grandparents are so important and that she loved us so much and deserved a relationship with us.</p> <p>That was absolutely the wrong decision; I wish she had cut her out of our lives much sooner than she did. When my mom wasn't around the comments were even worse - it puts kids in an absolutely horrible position to hear someone they love and have been raised to respect bad-mouthing their mother. And as I got older, I was much like my mom in many ways, and my grandma started treating me worse and worse for being, as she always said with a snarky tone, 'just like your mother.' She was pretty sneaky about it - she would apologize and act fine to my mom's face for long enough that my parents would start to trust her and let her take us kids places again, and she would immediately start bad-mouthing my mom and tearing down my self-esteem again.</p> <p>Bottom line - I wouldn't ever be able to trust her again if I were you. At the very least I would take a long break from her that doesn't end until you get a real apology, and even then, please do not leave your kids alone with her or let any further comments slide. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109256 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 13:01:02 +0000 luckypenny 2109256@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks mamas :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109239 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 12:31:25 +0000 Mrs. Pen 2109239@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JCCovi: this. </p> <p>You now come first in your husbands life and it sounds like he recognizes that if he's just as mad at his mom. So he needs to stand up to her and say it's unacceptable and if you can't respect her, then yes- I don't really want you to be part of my kids' lives. I could never have someone be a part of my child's life who treated me with so much disrespect and cruelty. She is not "entitled" to that simply because she's their grandmother. </p> <p>I'm so sorry you're going through this :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109238 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 12:30:29 +0000 luckypenny 2109238@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: I'm not sure. I feel like I'm just too angry to be rational. She is very close to DD and I don't think I could cut her out entirely. But, I also don't think someone can have access to my kids without having a relationship with me. </p> <p>@Tanjowen: that would be a good idea but they live across the country. We didn't have any plans to see them again as of this last trip so I don't know when we will see them next. </p> <p>@erwoo: part of me thinks this also and DD loves her so much. But she is 3 and very smart and very verbal. She asked me "why did grandma yell at you? Why are you crying mama? Are you feeling sad? Does your heart hurt?" I'm scared about what she would say about me in front of the girls when I'm not there :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109232 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 12:15:26 +0000 erwoo 2109232@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What went on is between you two. I wouldn't let it affect her relationship with her grandchildren, especially if they are still young. They probably don't know what went on? I would just limit contact with her or just on an as-needed basis. I would be furious, though, if my MIL spoke to me like that, especially if I did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's awful! :( However, if she bad mouths you to your kids, then I would not let her talk to them. She is clearly letting it purposely affect your kids' emotions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109224 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 12:05:41 +0000 MarieJ 2109224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would not let her FaceTime or have any interaction with my children until she apologized to me and acknowledged she was wrong. Even then, I would still be leery of her actions going forward. For me, there would be no relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109223 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 12:04:25 +0000 Tanjowen 2109223@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Seeing my own sister's experience with my mom saying things to her children about her parenting and how it caused problems, I would say no alone time with your littles until you felt comfortable she wouldn't do something like that again (if you ever feel comfortable again!). </p> <p>Maybe set some carefully planned outings with the entire family and include MIL? Trust is a hard thing to earn back and she's going to have to work at it - an apology would be a good start. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109222 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 12:04:07 +0000 MarieJ 2109222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109220 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 12:01:42 +0000 LAZB 2109220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would not let her FaceTime with the kids, how do you know she won't say something terrible again? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109213 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 11:51:25 +0000 Charm54 2109213@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow - I don't even know what I would do in this situation. Was it an isolated event or is this repeated pattern?</p> <p>Regardless, I would hope dh would have a conversation with her about it is utterly unacceptable to talk to his wife that way - regardless if the children are present or not. Also that there would be no further contact until you are satisfied with a genuine, authentic apology, and that future communication would be on your terms. </p> <p>Sorry you're dealing with that :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-move-forward-in-law-drama#post-2109212 Sun, 15 Mar 2015 11:49:18 +0000 JCCovi 2109212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I want have DH communicate to her that she needs to apologize for what she said, not just the conditions under which she said them. He would need to have a conversation along the lines of 'She is my wife and the mother of my children and you need to treat her with the acceptance and respect that that post deserves.' Basically if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all!</p> <p>I would probably also insist that she retract to your kids. </p>