https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 06 Apr 2026 22:25:42 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2765526 Mon, 07 Aug 2017 09:04:35 +0000 snowjewelz 2765526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would either A) ignore email and delay confrontation or B) write back and say "Hi, thank you or thinking of me but I do not think I will be the reference you need. Good luck in you job search!" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2765486 Sun, 06 Aug 2017 20:50:04 +0000 winter_wonder 2765486@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Madison43: she knows I know she was fired. But, in her email she gave a different reason than the actual reason (that I know to be true). Yes, using previous references is her best bet right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2765484 Sun, 06 Aug 2017 20:44:55 +0000 Madison43 2765484@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: does she know that you know that she was fired? If so, I think the easiest thing would be to tell her that you don't think it's a good idea bc if her prospective employer asks why she left the company (which, given its her most recent position, seems likely), you'd have to tell the truth. I would encourage her to get references from past employers. I don't think most employers expect references from your most recent position bc candidates are often still employed at that position while job searching, so it shouldn't be a big deal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2765478 Sun, 06 Aug 2017 20:26:18 +0000 MsMini 2765478@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I preceptored a really awful nursing st Sent a few years ago. I had to pass her in the end but honestly she was not a good fit for the profession. When she asked if I would reference I told her only if it was for jobs outside our field. I understand wanting to be tactful but I feel like in these cases honesty is the best policy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2765463 Sun, 06 Aug 2017 18:06:35 +0000 gingerbebe 2765463@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>"I don't believe it would be in your best interest if I served as a reference. I'd urge you to find someone else. I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Kind regards, "</p> <p>The formality of the response will probably get her to back off and not respond to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2765461 Sun, 06 Aug 2017 17:42:08 +0000 808love 2765461@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My non-confrontational self says to ignore the email. Silence speaks volumes. But I don't necessarily think that is the best way. Just what I would do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2765460 Sun, 06 Aug 2017 17:13:21 +0000 Mrs.Pinecone316 2765460@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I hate awkwardness. I would probably ignore the email and hope she didn't ask me again. If she wasn't someone I would be likely seeing again or close with outside of work I think just ignoring the email would work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2765452 Sun, 06 Aug 2017 13:49:57 +0000 ElbieKay 2765452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was once in this situation and said I did not think it would be appropriate. He replied and clarified that it would be as a coworker, not his manager. I think I just did not reply to that since that did not actually address the reason why I thought it was inappropriate! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764868 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:57:19 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2764868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Littlebit7: you make a good point. What I would say is the most honest, but probably not the most tactful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764866 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:50:20 +0000 Mommy Finger 2764866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: So also not the same situation as she wasn't doing anything shady but a former employee of mine was ultimately fired after I had already left the company. I really like her as a person but I didn't think she was the best employee and would never hire her again. She didn't ask me but told me that she would use me for a reference. I work very closely with recruiters as I have had to hire a lot of people in my day and asked a few for advice. I didn't want my reputation to be ruined if I gave a good recommendation and she sucked. What I was told is that I could keep my answers short and focus on the things that she actually did do well. However, like I said before, there wasn't any shady dealings going on so that really complicates things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764861 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:39:34 +0000 Littlebit7 2764861@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd just say something to the effect of "I'm still a current employee there and my personal policy is to not give references until I leave a place" </p> <p>I'm in the camp where you don't want to say something to burn a bridge with her even if you don't respect her as a colleague. The work world is a small place...maybe your paths will cross again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764860 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:33:23 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2764860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would tell her that you would not be a good reference for her because there were work ethic things she did that you disagreed with. If she presses then share. Hopefully she knows what she did was wrong and will leave it like that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764859 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:31:46 +0000 wrkbrk 2764859@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe you could say something generic, like, you could probably find better people than me.</p> <p>My DW (professor) gets asked constantly to write letter for her students' grad school applications. If she knows she cant do a stellar job, she declines altogether. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764854 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:20:52 +0000 winter_wonder 2764854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mommy Finger: @marym: That's so crazy!!! It's like what do you think your former boss/colleagues are going to say?! </p> <p>We worked pretty closely together...in our field colleagues can definitely serve as references. This makes things pretty tricky when former colleagues get fired :( sigh.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764850 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:16:32 +0000 MaryM 2764850@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mommy Finger: We had a guy ask our boss during his exit interview if he could use her as a reference!</p> <p>@winter_wonder: Is it someone you worked directly with? Would it be a total lie to say "I'm just not sure that I worked closely enough with you to be able to provide an accurate picture of you as an employee" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764845 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:08:09 +0000 Mommy Finger 2764845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know a lot of companies have a policy that current employees can't give references and only HR can confirm dates of employment. Not sure if you're company is like that. Otherwise, yes, I think just keeping it simple that you're not comfortable is sufficient.</p> <p>Fun story, I had to fire one of my employees as her performance was lacking and she used me as one of her references. She never asked me but I had recruiters calling me. I mean, really, who thinks it's a good idea to use the person who fired you as a reference??? I declined. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-to-tactfully-tell-a-former-colleague-i-wont-serve-as-a-reference#post-2764842 Thu, 03 Aug 2017 11:03:36 +0000 winter_wonder 2764842@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One of my colleagues was recently fired. She sent me an email asking if I would be willing to serve as a reference. How can I politely turn her down?</p> <p>Should I just say "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable doing this." ??? Something else?</p> <p>I'm not comfortable with this because she was doing some shady things while employed (most of which she doesn't know I know about). I think she will probably be pretty surprised that I am not willing to serve as a reference. Agh! This is so awkward! Help! </p>