https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 11 May 2026 04:50:20 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1410224 Sun, 09 Feb 2014 13:32:43 +0000 Beebug 1410224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Given my DH does hockey 5x a week, incl 2 games a weekend (plus travel), all on top of his FT job plus commute, I would LOVE something like this instead, ha!</p> <p>I love the hockey, but sometimes it's frustrating, but in the summer months when I take off for weekends here and there for dog shows...I don't feel bad at all! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1410162 Sun, 09 Feb 2014 12:22:41 +0000 Maysprout 1410162@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I agree with your response. I think answers would be quite different if OP said she wasn't able to see kids during the week because of work while DH did all their care and worked from home. He asked her to find an alternative to all day poker tournament is this reasonable? I think most people would say yeah that's a pretty reasonable request, there's other ways to play poker so it's not like you'd have to give up the whole hobby.<br /> Also I don't think it's retaliatory to ask the same in return. I think it helps partners to understand their request better and I know if I had less help I'd be more likely to need a break. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409629 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 20:15:39 +0000 littlecasita1122 1409629@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know many others have suggested that you get a hobby but it seems like you would rather spend the time with your LO and husband together as family instead of independently - I totally get that and that's how I usually feel. Yes, independent time is important, but I can go out by myself shopping after LO has gone to bed, so weekends are when we try to do family things and take advantage of everyone being home. </p> <p>One day a month can actually be a big chunk of time depending on how your other weekends are being spent. Like for our family, we're constantly juggling seeing grandparents, going to friends' houses, etc so some weekends we have no time as just the three of us. I guess I just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel, and that if I were in your shoes, I would be feeling like one Saturday a month is a big deal! </p> <p>As a suggestion, for the first weekend after his tournament is over, can you plan a special trip or activity to do, so you have something to look forward to? I would put it on a calendar and stick it to the fridge so it constantly reminds you that it's coming up, so you can countdown the weekends! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409435 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 17:26:21 +0000 AmeliaBedilia 1409435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>10 days a year isn't bad. Why don't you get a day a month to pursue your hobbies? That should help resentment and let him understand how it feels for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409304 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 15:35:22 +0000 Aimed 1409304@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I agree with you to a point in the sense that moms often feel guilty for taking time to themselves or they don't want to leave their LO whereas dads find it easier to do these things. But I think that that is on the moms, you (general you) make the choice to feel guilty, to not have hobbies, to not take time away and then complain about it. For me, I take the time and enjoy it or I don't, but if I don't, I can't martyr about it as it was my choice.</p> <p>One day a month isn't bad and will probably keep your family life fresher if it is good for your husband. I would definitely take a few hours or a day each month to do something for myself in this situation - not in a retaliatory way - but in a family life balance way. Plus it might me good for LO to have some one on one dad time! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409292 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 15:25:04 +0000 looch 1409292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Could it also be that part of the issue is the pastime itself? Would you react so strongly if he were taking a few hours a month to volunteer with teenagers?</p> <p>I will be honest, for me it matters very much what the time is spent doing. I would have less issue with my husband cycling for three hours than playing cards for the same amount of time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409274 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 15:09:31 +0000 snowjewelz 1409274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sure someone probably said the same thing... </p> <p>I think it's okay for him to go, esp it's not year round and it's important to him! I think it just makes you guys smarter in how to spend the time you do have together. It's quality over quantity! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409237 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 14:44:12 +0000 meredithNYC 1409237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Totally agree with you. I always feel a little bad for NOT really feeling bad when saying that yes, I left my daughter with a sitter frequently when she was tiny or that if we lived closer to my family I would have done an overnight away from LO pretty early, as well. I feel like I'm "supposed" to want to be attached to my daughter 24/7. But I'm a reluctant SAHM and I need a break!</p> <p>Luckily, my husband is awesome at this. Our marriage is by no means perfect, but we really do respect each other's need to have time on our own. I long for the day when there's more equality when it comes to the division of labor re: childcare. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409174 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 13:42:10 +0000 LalaYes 1409174@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's tough! Time is so precious. My DH made it clear that he needs a guys night once in awhile and I need girl time/me time. In our family DH gets on weekend night a month with his friends and I get one weekend day to myself to spend as I like, massage, lunch with friends, ect. That works for us, but it took a while to figure it out. It's nice that your DH is open to compromise. I would really communicate my feelings and truly listen to his, and meet somewhere in the middle. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409164 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 13:33:21 +0000 Greentea 1409164@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HellOnHeels: I am sure that does happen due to cultural standards. I just don't think it is innate. You know what though? Being a ebfing mom I definitely am always ... more in charge (inherently) (or more ... the baby obviously is more dependant on me) because the baby ... needs me to eat, so I guess that naturally plays a role in the dynamic. (Basically I am with the baby all the time and I have to ask if I need or want help from dh... that's just how the dynamic is and I don't know how -due to bfing- it could be different. But dh is totally equally wanting to be here for the baby and for me to give me a break.) DH grew up cooking and caring for his mom and sisters so we don't have the same cultural dynamic. So who knows I guess... nature... nuture... potato :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409120 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 12:37:18 +0000 Dagny 1409120@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone for your responses and honesty! He is going to participate in the poker league - of course I'm not thrilled about it, but I think he does need that time to do something independently of our family. It's just hard for me to understand fully - I was raised in a very family-focused religious community and to be honest, I just don't like spending a lot of time away from hubby and LO. Considering how little time we have together during the week, weekends are kind of sacred to me. I do think it is healthy to have some alone time for yourself outside of your family, but at this point I just don't really want to do that for myself. I just really enjoy the family time. I guess it's just a combination of the way I was raised and my personality. I should note that DH is very willing for me to have my own time and encourages me to have my own time.</p> <p>I think I'll just need to focus on trying not to resent the time he'll spend at poker. That will be my personal challenge! :-) </p> <p>@KATSUPGIRL - it's an annual league so it's every year Feb.-Nov. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409117 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 12:31:45 +0000 mrsjyw 1409117@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One day a mth is ok w me! Dh is joining a golf league in spring and that's once a week! He deserves his time too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409108 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 12:25:22 +0000 Dandelion 1409108@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: I totally agree.</p> <p>I'm really surprised how many people on here think it's a bad thing. One day a month isn't bad for someone to have something they enjoy doing. I wouldn't want to demand that my husband spend every spare minute with me and LO. I wouldn't feel bad getting a break now and then and I wouldn't resent my husband for it either. My DH and I enjoy the fact that we can be independent from each other now and then. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409104 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 12:18:37 +0000 HellOnHeels 1409104@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Greentea: Agree to disagree. I'm don't think it's an "excuse", I just believe its a fact. As kids growing up, little girls are more often than not the ones "playing house", pretending to be a mother with a baby doll, etc, while the boys are playing with trucks, cars, etc. I've already explained to my DH that BOTH of our personal time will be cut substantially when we have an LO, but I thoroughly believe that I will have to say "no" to DH leaving more then he will with me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409101 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 12:16:48 +0000 mjane 1409101@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: FTR, I don't think you sound "strident." I am with you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409050 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:24:54 +0000 Cherrybee 1409050@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: My husband really, really doesn't understand this. Back when LO was a colicky mess, he flatly refused to take her off my hands when he got in from work because his feeling was that he had been at work all day (while I was "at home") so he was more deserving of a break than I was. Honestly, I can't wait to go back to work for a rest!!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this/page/2#post-1409049 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:23:58 +0000 MrsSCB 1409049@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: I just think being resentful can go both ways. It's not like he's having fun to himself all day everyday. He's at work. What if he hates his job? That can be pretty miserable. But even if he doesn't hate it, I could see him feeling a little resentful if he had to give up his hobby. Taking care of a child alone all day is really hard, which is why I feel like it seems healthier and more fair for op to get some time to herself than to make her husband quit. Of course every family is different, so take that with a grain of salt :-) but this balance thing is really tough. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409045 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:19:44 +0000 Greentea 1409045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: great points. Honestly taking care of lo isn't like anything else. It is exhaustive to have to be 'on' all the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409041 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:14:53 +0000 ShootingStar 1409041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I completely agree. But then, we've always been one of those couples that does almost everything together, which is not for everyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409037 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:11:04 +0000 lawbee11 1409037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSCB: I totally get what you're saying and think it's a valid point. If the OP's situation were different and her DH was home during the week to help out and give her a break I would tend to agree with you. But the OP is working and taking care of their LO all week and she's basically doing it alone. I work and my DH helps out a lot during the week and it's still really, really hard. I guess that's the part that I think is unfair--her DH is rarely around to give her a break during the week and he's going to take an additional weekend day to himself. When I was on maternity leave I could not wait for the weekend because it meant I got a break. Hell, by Tuesday I was already daydreaming about the weekend. The OP's husband isn't just taking a day to himself, he's also effectively making it so that the OP has an extra day of work.</p> <p>My work is actually my break. It sounds bad, but taking care of LO is so much harder and stressful than my job. Taking care of LO is also more rewarding, but it's not easy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409032 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:06:57 +0000 Mrs. Pen 1409032@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with blackbird that for parent's sanity - it's great to stay involved somehow. Once a month isn't that often, honestly. I think that you shouldn't feel bad though about also taking some time throughout the month to have some you time or schedule a girls night. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409030 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:04:53 +0000 Anagram 1409030@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSCB: and I think that's totally fine and great if both spouses like that arrangement and don't mind. I have a friend with two kids who still manages to do things alone a lot and her husband gets time too and it works perfectly for them. But if one spouse is resentful, it might be good to explore why and make changes--- either, as you said, have the mom get and maintain a hobby of her own while dad takes the kids.... Or have dad cut down in outside activities to spend time with family.</p> <p>What works for each family will be different. But it irks me a little when we talk about not trapping our husbands and we don't spend the same energy worrying about not trapping ourselves.</p> <p>I'm with you--- get a hobby of your own and see what you've been missing out on-- it could improve your marriage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409025 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:02:53 +0000 Foodnerd81 1409025@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH is an avid golfer, and a round of golf pretty much takes most of the day. I do resent it, as much as I try not to. Like anagram said, it's not 'my time to hang out with the girls'-- it means I do everything for her, and I'm a SAHM so that's nothing new. DH claims he is happy to take her for a day so I can go do things, but I'm EBF, so to begin with-- that's a lot of work to prepare for, plus I don't want to. Yes I like to get away for a couple of hours, but not a whole day, even though I'm with her all week anyway. What I want is to do things as a family. </p> <p>That said, I wouldn't stop him, because in our case, he loves golf and would have a horrible time if he had to give it up. He plays less often (well, now it's winter, but in the nice weather) and tries to make up for it other times. We are still very much working on this issue. </p> <p>@Anagram: You bring up a lot of very valid and interesting points that I agree with-- though we DO fall into the rolls you describe. I think it will change somewhat as she gets older-- I won't be BFing, he will be more able to do the things he enjoys with her (like, Saturday will become the day he takes her golfing/skiing/playing soccer, whatever activity they have together) while mom gets a day to herself. At least, that's the hope for now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409024 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:00:25 +0000 erwoo 1409024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd be annoyed but at the same time it is only once a month. Maybe you can also find something to do once a month as well. We all need to do things for ourselves once in a while, right? ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409023 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:00:23 +0000 Greentea 1409023@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: great responses. I agree. I think being with LOs and having time to do other things should be shared and equal.</p> <p>@HellOnHeels: I don't agree. That to me sounds like an excuse to let men have more personal time however I recognize all people (your SO vs. Mine) are different. </p> <p>@Dagny: it is hard to give good advice because my situation is so different. I would be hurt in my situation because I don't have the opportunity to do my own things right now but DH also knows that so he wouldn't try to go to poker. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409009 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 10:49:43 +0000 MrsSCB 1409009@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: in terms of this: "It's always the husbands maintaining these hobbies that take a lot of time after kids come along, and never the wives! What gives, I mean really. How many of us moms here have hobbies that take us away one entire Saturday a month." I don't really think one day a month is "a lot of time" for a hobby. And should we really blame men for this difference? As a parent, it's healthy to still lead your own lives and have your own hobbies. So in this case, for example, I don't feel like it's that fair to try to equalize things by making the guy give up his hobbies. It would make more sense to me for the solution to be mom taking a different day a month to herself, that way both parents get some "me-time" and no one has to feel resentful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1409002 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 10:47:36 +0000 Anagram 1409002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: heh... That's why I said "I'm not saying all women and men fall into these categories (my husband doesn't. I only partially do), but it just seems awfully prevalent."</p> <p>I've said it in a lot of threads but my husband is wonderful and does 50% of LO duties willingly (I mean, I don't have to ask him, he just does everything naturally on his own). The guy goes out with his friends and will still be home by 8-9 pm because he also does 50% of the night wakeups . And again, I don't ask him to come home early, but he does because we have a bad sleeper and he knows she 'll be up several times and he'll have to get up, too. </p> <p>But even if I personally don't have this problem, I see it enough IRL with friends and on here to realize it's a pretty common problem and I just wonder why. =) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1408991 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 10:40:17 +0000 HellOnHeels 1408991@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Because men don't have that maternal instinct. Honestly, I think it's as simple as that. For many, many years, society was "women stayed home with children, men went out and worked" and it wasn't that long ago that that mentality was still very much prevalent.</p> <p>I'm not saying its right, per say, but its something I believe us women have to remember and gently guide our husbands into the direction of true co-parenting.</p> <p>ETA: I'm not saying ALL men are like that (especially you, Mr. Bee!), there are many single dads out there that are doing a better job than some mom's would, but that mentality is still out there.</p> <p>@Dagny: To OP, for me personally, ATM once a month isn't a big deal. We do not have children, but I would hope that when they do come into the picture that DH and I will be able to keep some form of our normal life (at least after the newborn stage) of going out and keeping up with hobbies, maybe not as much but at least enough to keep us sane. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1408990 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 10:39:50 +0000 Cherrybee 1408990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: "It means she does all the crying, feeding, nap fighting, cleaning, cooking alone.....again." THIS x 1 million. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-feel-about-your-hubby-doing-this#post-1408961 Sat, 08 Feb 2014 10:17:20 +0000 mrbee 1408961@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I did read a slight vibe in your first post along the lines of what I mentioned earlier, but I guess it's just that you feel strongly about the subject... thanks for clarifying!</p> <p>I agree with a lot of what you are saying, although I think one has to be careful when generalizing about gender roles... most guys that I know haven't done the things you mentioned. </p>