https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 21 Apr 2026 14:43:36 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542404 Thu, 05 May 2016 16:01:07 +0000 catlady 2542404@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really sorry about your mom. I lost my mom a few years back after a long battle with cancer. I don't think my SIL ever really reached out, and that was ok with me. We are friendly in person but we aren't friends, if you know what I mean. We don't text (except occasionally to share photos of our LOs) or call or email. So it didn't seem odd to me that she didn't check in. When I saw her in person, she would ask about my mom, and that was enough for me. Her husband is going through something similar right now (his father has terminal cancer) and my DH and I do the same thing. We ask about him when we see them in person but we don't really text or call to check in. Part of it is, for me, that I know what terminal cancer is like. He is not going to get better. So I don't want to ask how he is doing because I know the answer will always be a sad one. :/</p> <p>Anyway, not sure where I am going with this except maybe it's just the nature of your relationship. If you are actually close to them but they have just been silent about this one thing, I think it's worth bringing up to them. Maybe just to say that it would help you to talk about it every so often. But if not, they probably feel awkward or like they don't know you well enough to check in about such a personal thing. Or they may have no idea how serious it is. Either way, I'd probably let it go unless you are close to them and think it is worth it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542392 Thu, 05 May 2016 15:50:33 +0000 deerylou 2542392@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Paddington10: You have my sympathy and commiseration! My IL's have long lacked consistent compassion for us but seem to maintain pretty high expectations in regards to how their triumphs and tragedies are responded to. While kind and enjoyable when in person and on their terms, it's almost always about them.</p> <p>We had a rough year, which included a major health scare for our LO and the sudden death of one of my parents. My IL's lack of regard surrounding these difficult events was pretty devastating and changed our relationship. My husband tried to reach out to express these feelings and hopefully heal wounds, but he was met with denial and some pretty insensitive words that I'm still having trouble coming back from. Sometimes it's better to just keep to yourself to avoid further drama on top of the existing stress. </p> <p>I think life threatening illness and death can be very awkward issues for people to talk about, especially when they've yet to go through those things, themselves. However, I do think people, especially family, should be there for one another. You can tell pretty quickly if someone would prefer not to talk about their grief, but when you don't even try to check in or acknowledge, I personally think it lacks heart. Unfortunately, some people are insensitive and there's no changing them. I'm sorry you're navigating this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542388 Thu, 05 May 2016 15:48:02 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2542388@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry about your mom. Given this seems par for the course when it comes to your SILs I would not say anything about it. Feel free to share any news you care with them about your mom if it helps talking about her situation. I just wouldn't expect a whole lot of empathy in return. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542362 Thu, 05 May 2016 15:21:54 +0000 tofuwad 2542362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have ill parents and I honestly hate people asking about it. I know I'm probably in the minority in that though. I just think about my parents' health all the time and there's no simple, fast explanation about how they are doing. So I never talk to my ILs about it and dislike when they ask. It just dregs up the biggest stressors in my life and I usually don't want to talk about it because it just makes me stressed. So they might be thinking along those lines. Everyone is different. And if you need someone to talk to, then go ahead and vent! Having sick parents is so stressful and everyone deals with it differently. I'm sorry you're dealing with this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542294 Thu, 05 May 2016 14:08:51 +0000 Littlebit7 2542294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd just keep it quiet. It will likely not result in anything positive if you do bring it up. As in, whats the upside? You make them uncomfortable and they withdraw more.<br /> My SIL (actually my ex-SIL now), was terrible at reaching out. I'd send birthday gifts, no acknowledgement. She didn't even reach out when I gave birth (her first niece or nephew BTW). When we hung out she was super nice, personable, and we got along great. But once we were out of sight, its like we didn't exist on her radar. Thankfully my BIL is da bomb and amazing and thank goodness he walked away from that hot mess. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542275 Thu, 05 May 2016 13:53:01 +0000 peaches1038 2542275@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read any of the responses but my SILs are awful too. Self absorbed and rude. I try not to let it get to me but it's HARD! DH says the same thing "that's just how they are". Ugh. I have no advice, just sending hugs your way. I hope your mom feels better soon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542242 Thu, 05 May 2016 13:39:46 +0000 misolee 2542242@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a SIL who lives in another state but we do text regularly (mostly about my kids bc they don't have any yet). Her mom has had severe pain in her arm and had to have surgery. I had no idea until my brother told our family months after the surgery actually happened. We had heard of the pain but didn't know it was needing of surgery. Point is: the SIL might not know the details or severity of the situation with your mom. Even if I had known about the surgery, I don't think I would have called her to talk about it esp bc she has never mentioned it specifically to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542182 Thu, 05 May 2016 12:53:00 +0000 peachykeen 2542182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I tend to feel more like @Anagram: about these things. My mom had cancer 4 times and passed away, my FIL is in &amp; out of the hospital and has a very poor quality of life, and I've lost several other family members recently to cancer. I guess because it seems like such a constant in my life I almost hope that the rest of my interactions with people can be "normal". Everyone deals with things differently, though, and DH has suggested to me that this is perhaps not the healthiest way.</p> <p>I do get how you are feeling, though - being present for the major sickness and/or decline of a loved one can feel so isolating. DH and I have had discussions on how he can better support me through the stress and emotions because he has generally tried to 'follow my lead' and pretend like everything is fine (not what I ultimately needed) and I've also tried to be very sensitive regarding his dad's health as a result. </p> <p>As a side note (I know this doesn't apply to your SILs who haven't said anything about it), it can be difficult to know what to say to someone when you know the situation hasn't changed and is kind of a sad constant. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542047 Thu, 05 May 2016 11:00:51 +0000 Anagram 2542047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When my dad was ill, and eventually passed, I didn't really like talking about it with people. I talked about it with my boyfriend at the time, and my siblings and my mom, but that was it. I would have found it odd to have a SIL or BIL (I have 2 BILS and 2 SILS) would have called me personally to ask how I was doing. I mean, because I assume they know that it sucks to lose a parent, and I didn't like falling to pieces in every conversation, so I just preferred to not talk about it outside my inner circle (of which they are not a part, I understand that depends on the family).</p> <p>So...maybe they are like me and are operating on the assumption that you are similar. I often do that--treat others how I would want to be treated in that situation--even though clearly, everyone needs something different from these tough life situations.</p> <p>I would try to not take it personally. Or, if you'd like for them to be in the loop and start asking--bring them into your inner circle. Tell them you've been down recently because of your mom. Tell them you need extra support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542027 Thu, 05 May 2016 10:45:58 +0000 Paddington10 2542027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you for these responses!<br /> It's very interesting to hear different sides on this! I don't think one side is right or wrong. I will say that from the perspective of someone going through the illness of a family member, silence can come off as not caring.<br /> Personally, I wouldn't consider inquiring about something like this prying, if it's a simple, "Hey, how's it going? You OK?" Not, "Wow, what meds is your mom on?" or something invasive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2542001 Thu, 05 May 2016 10:34:51 +0000 lamariniere 2542001@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hb3233: I agree with this too. I myself have lost a parent so I definitely know what the other side feels like. Even close friends with whom I was in contact regularly didn't really know what to say or do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2541948 Thu, 05 May 2016 10:00:25 +0000 Adira 2541948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: This exactly.</p> <p>While we always get along when we're together, I don't really talk to my SIL at other times. We don't text regularly or reach out to each other except to plan family get-togethers. I wouldn't find it odd at all if she didn't reach out and ask me questions about my family. I'm also not really in the camp of just because we're married means all of our families are combined - that's just not how it works in my life. My family is still separate from Hubs' family, so what's going on with my family isn't really any of my in-law's business. Maybe your SILs feel the same way? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2541945 Thu, 05 May 2016 09:51:43 +0000 Mamaof2 2541945@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It wouldn't bother me - I would assume that my brothers were keeping them up to date on everything and talking to them </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2541944 Thu, 05 May 2016 09:51:42 +0000 youboots 2541944@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time, truly. But I would not take it personally. It sounds like you have been putting some energy into this and I think it's creating more stress in your life. Focus on what you can do and the relationships that are working for you. Everyone deals with things differently. </p> <p>When I'm grieving or stressed I like to be left alone and won't answer calls and don't want to text. Perhaps they are the same way and are just treating you as normal as they can. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2541942 Thu, 05 May 2016 09:43:54 +0000 hb3233 2541942@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Some people are incredibly uncomfortable talking about illness, or anything that isn't cheery. It's not necessarily that they don't care, but just aren't sure how to bring it up and may avoid bringing it up for fear of saying something insensitive. I'm not sure if that describes your situation or not, but it's definitely something I've seen in some friends. I think they do care, but just are worried it will be upsetting or awkward to bring up potentially painful topics... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2541940 Thu, 05 May 2016 09:42:22 +0000 lamariniere 2541940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would try not to take offense. I was in the opposite situation a few years ago. My SIL (DH's brother's wife) had a very sick parent who eventually passed away. I'm not that close to my SIL, we see them maybe twice a year and aren't really in contact otherwise. I did express my condolences at the time of the death, but I never really said anything before or after. I didn't want to pry into her private life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2541939 Thu, 05 May 2016 09:41:25 +0000 Maysprout 2541939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I donno some people are really awkward about that stuff. My MIL had met my grandmother many times and always would say what a great lady she was. She never said anything about it after she died unexpectedly. I saw her maybe 2 weeks later, never said a word. Actually it was really surprising, my grandmother was one of those ladies who was just great to talk to and I'd have friends who would sit alone and spill their guts to her and then rave about how wonderful she was, because she was. Pretty much none of my friends acknowledged when she died except for a brief text that was completely un personal. I never it brought up, wasn't sure how and would have been too emotional anyways. So I just didn't talk to them for awhile 😉, not a great method. But in the end I decided people are just awkward about sickness and death.</p> <p>I'm very sorry your mom is sick, I hope you get some support during tough times. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2541938 Thu, 05 May 2016 09:40:23 +0000 oliviaoblivia 2541938@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry your mom is so ill.<br /> As far as your SILs go I wouldn't say anything rude. Sometimes people don't know what to say and sometimes they're too self involved to say anything. It sucks but nothing you say will change who they are. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-would-you-handle-this-situation-with-your-sils#post-2541926 Thu, 05 May 2016 09:28:53 +0000 Paddington10 2541926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Would love some advice. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones talking? </p> <p>So: My mother has been sick since last year.. She has had a series of surgeries, basically incapacitated and it's been really stressful. My MIL has been great and helped out when we have asked (my parents usually help with childcare but this hasn't been as easy given the medical situation).</p> <p>However, I'm really hurt that neither of my two SILs, who know the situation, have so much as ASKED how she is. No texts, emails, calls, nothing. I don't need "help" from them but a cursory: Hey, how's your mother feeling? would be hugely appreciated and thoughtful. Nope, nothing.</p> <p>This kind of an ongoing thing. They never reach out. They are fine in person but just don't show any caring or outreach or basic social skills. (Case in point: I once saw one of them right after a dear friend's funeral and she didn't even express sympathy, she proceeded to show me decor plans for her new bathroom!)</p> <p>DH wants to go down to visit one of the SILs next weekend and his MIL also lives nearby. I am going to find it hard not to say something snippy. I WOULDN'T, but I would want to.</p> <p>So, my savvy bees, WWYD? Keep quiet? Maybe let something snarky slip? Say honestly, Hey, the fact that you know my mom is incredibly sick and haven't even ACKNOWLEDGED it makes me sad? Nothing at all? DH says it's "just how they are" and not to personalize it. </p>