https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 19 Aug 2026 05:26:10 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2188597 Mon, 25 May 2015 15:28:10 +0000 AggieDaze 2188597@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A couple of thoughts...</p> <p>1) I don't think you can fully understand why a mom would want to be there during labor until you are a mom yourself so I think her feelings do warrant sympathy. That said, it's your labor and you should certainly do what makes you most comfortable. </p> <p>2) I like the suggestions from those above re: letting her know that you anticipate wanting it to be just you and your DH during the birth, but that you will keep her apprised via text and truly appreciate her willingness to jump in whenever. </p> <p>I was more than willing for my mom and dad to visit during early labor. It was a nice distraction and I appreciated having a fresh set of people to talk to. I didn't want my husband's mother or father there at all until afterward... And honestly would have been more comfortable if they just visited us at home. I put my foot down for the labor but sucked it up for visiting afterwards. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2188422 Mon, 25 May 2015 09:31:39 +0000 badwolf 2188422@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had this same concern with my mom. She lives 4 hours away so I know she won't be hovering around before labor, but I also didn't want her driving down like a bat out of hell the minute I felt a contraction then sitting in the waiting room all day. We ended up coming to an agreement that I'd let her know when labor was happening but she will wait at my house, not the hospital, because I do not want to be distracted by stressing about her sitting out there or my dad busting in to ask what's going on. I think she's still a little upset about it and she doesn't think I'll care who's where when it's happening, but she's agreed to respect my wishes. Bonus for me - I'll come back to the cleanest my house will ever be, since she can't sit still when she's nervous and she cleans all the time anyway. It felt like the best compromise for me because I know she'd be really sad if she didn't even know until the baby was here, but this way I also don't have to worry about her hovering outside my door when I want privacy. It also helps that the hospital I'm delivering at her a strict policy about how many people can be in the DR, and strongly discourages waiting room warriors. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2188333 Sun, 24 May 2015 21:57:25 +0000 gracecat 2188333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom is similar, overly solicitous and I was sure I didn't want her there during labor. For labor I think it was the right decision but I found I needed her and wanted her there as soon as we had our skin to skin because omg I needed as much help as I could get. She ended up being extremely helpful because I was incapacitated after the emergency c section and DH was alone to take care of everything else plus baby on no sleep. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2187217 Fri, 22 May 2015 14:08:35 +0000 Foodnerd81 2187217@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I totally get what you are saying about too complimentary. When I had C if the nurse or midwife said I was doing a great job, I was all happy and proud. If DH said something I was like, psht, what do you know? You know less about this than me! I'm so nice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2187163 Fri, 22 May 2015 13:32:59 +0000 Torchwood 2187163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: That's definitely a part of it for her. And I don't really care if she's in the waiting room, as long as she REALLY gets that it could be a looong time, and she doesn't get to come in the second the baby is born either. We have 2 hours of skin to skin before they even take her to be weighed, so it'll be that plus a little before I'll even consider having anyone come in, even for a minute. Also, I completely agree with @Madison43: that she needs to consider that the type of support she would want is NOT necessarily what I would. When my cousin had her baby, she had some complications that apparently threatened her (my cousin, not the baby) life, and had to stay in the hospital a little extra for monitoring. My mom was SO horrified that my aunt (cousin's mom) went back to work the next day instead of being in the hospital with her daughter 24/7. But she never even thought to ask if my cousin would want her mother there all the time. I would not! She's definitely making assumptions based on what she/other people she knows would want, not asking what I (and DH) want. </p> <p>@kiddosc: I feel like you expressed a lot of that well. Thank you!</p> <p>@catomd00: Ugh! I'm sorry you had to deal with that! That, at least, is not something I'm worried about. I could see MIL getting nasty with DH in that scenario, if she's drunk/high, but not my mom. Actually, my biggest issue with having my mom there (and DH's as well) is that she's so over the top solicitous (when I'm sick she is NON-STOP with the "what can I do, can I get you some soup, can I pick you up some medicine, do you want me to come over and just rub your head," which I totally appreciate, but dude, NO. I like to be left alone, and once I've said that, stop! And I do ask her when I need something, so it's not like she has any need to worry that I'll need her and not ask) and over the top basically complimentary. Like she'll spend the whole time telling me or DH how amazing we are, but WAY past the point that it's awkward and omg shutup for two seconds! After she went to my birth class with me, we had dinner, and she told me at LEAST 4 times how proud she was that I'm doing all this research and making decisions that were best for me instead of just doing whatever the doctors tell me, etc. It sounds so dumb to complain that she's essentially too nice, but it's seriously super irritating/awkward. DH and I both HATE it, which is not what we need to be dealing with in the middle of labor! </p> <p>ETA- I know solicitous and complimentary are basically two things that are the best in labor, but just trust me on this one. Her version of those things is NOT what I need, ever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2187131 Fri, 22 May 2015 13:06:48 +0000 Mama Bird 2187131@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>With my first I didn't say anything ahead of time, just assumed that since I'm not asking my mom to come she won't be there. We're just not that close and there are some people you just don't want to see you push a baby out. I wasn't planning to even tell her when we went to the hospital. </p> <p>Only I happened to be in a really good mood when I went into labor, and decided to be nice and call her so she doesn't worry. Imagine my surprise when she showed up at the hospital. I kind of felt bad for her, I don't think she's seen anyone give birth and she looked pretty green a few times, but it was ok overall. This time I'll hopefully avoid offending anyone, but also make sure she doesn't come, by asking her to watch DS. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2187071 Fri, 22 May 2015 12:01:40 +0000 Chillybear 2187071@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: I'm sorry that was your post delivery experience. Obviously that was uncalled for behavior on your mothers part and a little understanding that you were busy with other things would have gone along way.</p> <p>Our nurses were able to communicate to my parents what was happening and post delivery and give them a time frame as far as when they would be allowed to visit with me and the baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2187053 Fri, 22 May 2015 11:41:59 +0000 catomd00 2187053@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: I get that, but just to give an alternate scenario... My husband texted my mom when DD was born. Then, he put his phone down to cut the cord, take pics, go be with baby while they were weighing her, etc. the next time we looked at our phones 20-30 mins later there was nasty text messages demanding to know what was going on because she was worried something happened to me. When I called her I got bitched out. No offense, but if something had happened, no one would be texting her to tell her I died. It was really just uncessesary and uncalled for! Depending on your mom it might be a loving caring thing or in my case a manipulative thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2187052 Fri, 22 May 2015 11:41:46 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2187052@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just say that you don't know how long it's going to be or what state you'll be in and you'd rather have everyone but your DH see baby after. That it's possible you could change your mind but that you're nervous about things going wrong and about how youll handle it, and don't want to commit to this being a certain type of experience.</p> <p>We told MIL not to come to the hospital til the next morning and said it was out of convenience for her because we thought it would be awhile, but we were in the moment. Honestly we didn't even think she'd want to be there and by the time it came up after almost two days of labor all I said was looked at DH and said "no!" and that's what he did.</p> <p>eta and my mom wasn't there because she doesn't live nearby. She flew in awhile after baby was born. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth/page/2#post-2187049 Fri, 22 May 2015 11:41:05 +0000 mrskrumpet 2187049@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: I 100% agree with this. My mom is the same way and I love her for that my MIL is also the same way. So it was only natural to have them at the hospital it turned out to be perfect because of the emergency csection my husband had a breakdown and it gave him the support as well as they were able to all see me as I was rolled into the ER. </p> <p>As a mother myself I couldn't imagine not at least being at the hospital for my daughter when she has kids. No matter how old she is she will always be my baby. I am a mother and she is my child no matter if shes 2 or 22.</p> <p>Just another perspective obviously the choice is up to you in the end. If you don't feel comfortable with your mom there tell her the truth don't lie or make stuff up the truth will eventually come out and she will be even more hurt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2187045 Fri, 22 May 2015 11:37:54 +0000 birdofafeather 2187045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: Doulas are trained in many types of births and are (usually paid) advocates for the mother. I love my mom, but she has been through her births only, doesn't know different positions for helping mother labor, would probably freak out seeing me screeching like a banshee like I did during labor, and would cry. I wanted someone there who was experienced in different labor scenarios to help reassure me and DH, could support me in the birth I preferred to work alongside the nurses and doctors but who was fully there for me and "my agenda." I trusted my healthcare providers but they weren't texting with me when my water broke and reminding me that I could do it. My mom would have insisted I go to the hospital right away and I would have been worried about offending her. </p> <p>Mothers play a different role to many people than a birth professional (even without a medical degree). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2187042 Fri, 22 May 2015 11:35:56 +0000 Applesandbananas 2187042@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I didn't have a doula or do much research since I knew I'd have a csection, but my understanding is that they have training in pain management techniques and other strategies for maximizing comfort during birth. Some are also specially trained in certain methods, such as Bradley, so if I was having a non-medicated birth, I could see hiring a doula vs having my mom in the room. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2187038 Fri, 22 May 2015 11:34:09 +0000 Applesandbananas 2187038@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: my mom felt this way as well. I was having a c-section and she knew only DH could be in the room but she just wanted to be there in the waiting room. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186995 Fri, 22 May 2015 10:50:32 +0000 Truth Bombs 2186995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just to play devil's advocate: despite being of this generation and spending time on parenting sites I don't get doulas. I don't understand hiring a support person who is not a medical professional. So I can totally see why a mom would be offended that her daughter would want a doula in the room and not her own mother. It's your birth and totally up to you and your DH, and your mom should respect your wishes, I'm just saying I can understand why she would be hurt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186948 Fri, 22 May 2015 09:59:55 +0000 plantains 2186948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My hospital only allows two people in during labour and then during the birth it is just the SO, but everyone else camped in the waiting room and it felt amazing knowing that they were all out there rooting for me to have the birth I wanted!</p> <p>As for after, I ended up with an emergency c-section and my mum was a lifesaver. She did all the cooking and cleaning and often was able to help with some MOTN wake ups so I could just focus on enjoying new parenthood with DH. She even made us go to the movies when baby was 3 weeks old because she knew if would be a long time before we would get to go out on a date again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186932 Fri, 22 May 2015 09:48:37 +0000 Chillybear 2186932@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Madison43: I also had no problem with my mom being in the room unlike the OP.... I just wanted to throw in another perspective that while its not super common for something to go that horribly wrong during childbirth my mother felt strongly enough to point out that she would want to be in the vicinity just in case it did. </p> <p>In my family, we're a large closeknit group that sit vigils in waiting rooms during seemingly minor procedures and for the most part its completely welcome by the patient. Maybe that's weird to some, but I know a lot of people that have families that do it too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186913 Fri, 22 May 2015 09:40:55 +0000 Madison43 2186913@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: see, I understand that, but I also think that at some point, you have to see your children as adults and understand that the type of support that feels best for you (being in the hospital, etc...) may not be the type of support that feels best for them. And while offering up support is wonderful, I really think people - even parents - need to defer to the patient on what they need/want. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186906 Fri, 22 May 2015 09:38:10 +0000 Foodnerd81 2186906@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: ok that actually makes more sense, thank you. I guess most times I was in the hospital, I would want my mom, especially if my DH couldn't be there. Thanks for clarifying that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186900 Fri, 22 May 2015 09:34:35 +0000 Chillybear 2186900@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: Yes, she is naturally a worry wart, but its nice to have that support. So far in my life any emergency (or non emergency) situation she's been there for me. I was in the hospital with kidney stones at 20 weeks and she got to the hospital within an hour or 2 after me so i wouldnt be alone. (hubs had already left for work when my Dr decided to send me to the hospital) When i was in my 20s, she waited in the waiting room while i had my tonsils removed. </p> <p>And its not just me she does this for, her and her sisters do this for each other and their parents as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186893 Fri, 22 May 2015 09:27:49 +0000 Foodnerd81 2186893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: would she want to be in the hospital if you were having some other surgery? What would she do if there was an emergency? I'm still trying to wrap my head around this? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186891 Fri, 22 May 2015 09:24:47 +0000 Chillybear 2186891@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't know you other than from here on hellobee and I dont know what your relationship with your mother is like. But my mom put it to me this way - She told me that I was her baby and even if I didnt want her in the room she still wanted to at least be in the hospital, just in case (god forbid) something happened to me or there was an emergency situation. I just wanted to throw out another perspective </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186848 Fri, 22 May 2015 08:49:37 +0000 Mrs. Microscope 2186848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We set up a "guaranteed contact " plan with MIL and she seems happy so far. We will see in august! We told her it is DH and the doula only in the room, but we will text her first for important things, when we are going to the hospital, when baby is born, when we want visitors, when we are going home, when we need her help at home. We even bought her plane ticket to visit, just so we had more control. Knowing she will be first in all things makes.her happy, and we haven't had to say "you're not allowed " because of this. We just made it a fact. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186828 Fri, 22 May 2015 08:35:23 +0000 Greentea 2186828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just told them immediately. I would definitely tell her yourself! "I want you to know that I only want DH in the labor and delivery room because otherwise I'll be stressed out." "I'm sorry, it isn't you, I love you." etc. "I feel bad if you got the impression you could be there by coming to Bradley." "I just need a controlled environment." "I'll call you as soon as _______(fill in the blank when you think you'll be ready.)" </p> <p>Anyhow, good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186823 Fri, 22 May 2015 08:29:15 +0000 avivoca 2186823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom wanted to be in the delivery room. She would tell me how she would be telling the nurses what to do and I just didn't want her there. I don't know if we ever told her she couldn't be there, but in the end we just didn't call anyone to let them know I was in labor. I went to the hospital at 5:00 in the morning and T let her know we were there, but they didn't come visit until 5:00 that night, well after I had given birth.</p> <p>My advice: Don't tell her when you go into labor and find someone else to take care of your dogs. We had a friend come by twice a day to feed and walk Bea, and T went home for a few hours the day after H was born. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186816 Fri, 22 May 2015 08:20:40 +0000 kiddosc 2186816@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think honesty is just the best policy. Tell her you've had to had this conversation with her, but put it off because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. You want it to just be a special moment for your DH and you. Having a doula there is a lot different than another family member, and you don't have any emotional ties to the doula and won't worry about how she's feeling. Tell her you understand that she's probably disappointed, but you hope she can understand. </p> <p>It sounds like you have a good relationship, she'll understand. It doesn't mean that her feelings won't be hurt, but she'll understand. Acknowledge that you know it's disappointing to her, and then move on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186781 Fri, 22 May 2015 07:42:18 +0000 ElbieKay 2186781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I told everyone that they were not even allowed to come to the hospital until after the baby was born. I did not want the pressure of knowing that people were waiting to see me, and I wanted to enjoy my "golden hour" and then rest before dealing with visitors.</p> <p>I am pretty sure I offended my MIL, and I think my husband would have preferred to let her stay in the waiting room.</p> <p>But as it turns out, (a) my son was born on 41+4, and my MIL had already left on vacation and (b) he was born at 1am, and visitors were not permitted until 9am.</p> <p>I am very glad that I put my foot down though. I have a decent relationship with my parents and my MIL, but I still feel like I need to be "on" around them. I knew that would just make my labor more challenging.</p> <p>This is the first of many parenting situations when you need to put your immediate family's needs above anyone else's, so I encourage you to set the right precedent. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186708 Fri, 22 May 2015 04:55:06 +0000 Matcha Latte 2186708@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, no matter how nicely you tell her if she wants to take offense and get upset about it she will. My mother was the same way and give me such a difficult time. We ended up not telling anyone when I was in labor or in the hospital until a few hours before I was released. After I got home she then wanted to visit and I made her wait at least a week which she wasn't happy about but I'm glad I did! When by parents finally came over to meet LO one week after he was born they came over, had me make lunch for them and stayed for 6 hours! Not once offering to help with chores or anything! I mean they didn't have to do chores and help out but They really overstayed their welcome... They just played on their cell phones while LO was napping... They only left because I refused to make dinner and they were hungry. </p> <p>They behaved just as I anticipated and I am glad it was just DH and I in the room at the delivery at an home for the first week. I was very close to my mom so her behavior towards me after LO was born was very hurtful and disappointing but you just kind of have to live with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186632 Thu, 21 May 2015 22:21:25 +0000 Torchwood 2186632@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs Green Grass: Yes, she knows. But she really doesn't seem to get it. For the longest time she thought the doula was a part of our birth class somehow? I've explained it, and I explained it on my blog and included a link to more info, but she just really doesn't get it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186628 Thu, 21 May 2015 22:15:40 +0000 Mrs Green Grass 2186628@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: to me a doula is basically medical. Does she know about the doula? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/how-woulddid-you-tell-close-family-they-cant-be-at-the-birth#post-2186618 Thu, 21 May 2015 22:02:07 +0000 Torchwood 2186618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: @buttermilk: @Mrs Green Grass: The problem with the "just DH and me" argument is that we're having a doula. Even though she knows that the doula IS a professional, I feel like she still sees it as an optional person that I'm choosing to have there instead of her. And I don't know of any non-hurtful way to explain that sorry, but you stress me the eff out sometimes, so I don't need that during labor. </p> <p>But this has been helpful, and I feel a little better about approaching her about it. </p>