https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 29 Apr 2026 00:42:58 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-342039 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 22:21:00 +0000 junebugmama 342039@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Sugar.Biscuit: I agree with what you're saying, but I think that hour, is my husband putting me first. I think we're on the same path, but just see it a little different </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-342025 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 21:42:55 +0000 Sugar.Biscuit 342025@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Junebugmama I feel for you. We are in similar situation and we don't even have kids! My husband doesn't drive so I have to drive him ever where and take him to ALL of his medical appointments which average 10-12 /mo for the last 3 years!</p> <p>I want to share what has helped me. My therapist , our priest, and our marriage counselors on our engaged encounters they all said the same thing and that is to put yourself first, your spouse second and your children last. If you do not take care of yourself you can not care for your spouse or your children &amp; will eventually recent them for that (which would only be your fault). I don't know if you realize this or not, by taking that hour for yourself you are actually putting yourself first. </p> <p>Being a "caretaker" myself this is one of the hardest things I have to remember. The same goes for your husband, he comes first, then you and then your children. Your husband is putting himself first by helping you. This will help him in the long run by way of your appreciation and possible return of favor. It can be seen as intimacy, connecting on a deeper level, which makes that alone time even better.</p> <p>I my opinion you guys are on the right track! Keep finding these ways to help each other out and things will get much better.</p> <p>Now that will be $150 I'll take cash ;-) lol J/K! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-341908 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 19:20:15 +0000 mrs. bird 341908@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Love your update! Sounds like your terrible fight brought some great changes for all of you. Glad things are turning around :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-341907 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 19:19:45 +0000 T.H.O.U. 341907@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@junebugmama: glad things are better. I do think its really important to put your husband first! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-341893 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 19:07:44 +0000 Mrs. Pen 341893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@junebugmama: just read your update - awww that was so sweet of him!! I am glad you made time for just you and DH. sounds like you needed it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-341892 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 19:06:53 +0000 Mrs. Pen 341892@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have any advice but I'm so sorry :( no fun. I hope things start looking up more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-341889 Mon, 15 Oct 2012 19:04:57 +0000 junebugmama 341889@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Last night after this post I decided to end the days craziness.</p> <p>I called my Mom asked her to take the kids and spent 4 wonderful hours alone with my husband. We then put the kids to bed and cuddled and watched a movie.</p> <p>I came to a realization, that sounds terrible, but isn't really. I'm priority number 4. My husband needs to be my number one, the kids follow, and then it's time for me. This morning when DH took the oldest one to school he took the baby with him. It gave me one hour by myself this morning which was exactly what I needed. </p> <p>When he got back he said, "Why don't I just take the baby with me every day when I drop off Jacob? Then every day you know you have an hour or more to do whatever you need to do?"</p> <p>@mrsmenow: Thank you. I think your advice, was exactly what he needed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-340445 Sun, 14 Oct 2012 20:44:02 +0000 sarac 340445@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Absolutely. Having a baby has been the biggest test of our relationship ever. He doesn't understand the trial of being home with her, all day. Of never getting a break and feeling horribly touched out. Of laying awake at night nursing her and then being unable to sleep because I can't move because she's snuggled up on me. </p> <p>Then there's breastfeeding. My husband is 100% hugely supportive of it, but we recognize the difference in bond. My daughter comes to me when she's sad, scared, sick, or hurting. There are a lot of things only I can fix, and I know that makes him really sad. </p> <p>Basically, I would say that a child tests even the best relationship, which is what I would say I have. You just have less time for everything. When the baby is awake, one or both of you has to put nearly 100% of your energy into it, most of the time. All of your time for yourself and for your marriage comes after baby bedtime, which isn't usually much. There's just less time for everything. </p> <p>It's hard, really hard. I'd say, though, that as hard as it is, the joy it brings into my life is so much more. I find it so worth it, and I hope you do too. I'm sorry your relationship has taken such a hit. I know that the older mine gets, the more fun she gets, and the more fun we all have. She also sleeps far more, and eats real food, and all of those things really help her father to do more, and us to have an easier time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-340410 Sun, 14 Oct 2012 20:01:08 +0000 Mrs. Confetti 340410@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Junebugmama - I feel you about feeling trapped in the house. Try to carve out evening time that doesn't evolve around housework and LO-related stuff. Find a hobby you can do from home - it has really helped me. </p> <p>I feel your pain - the stress of having a little baby in the house exacerbates every little thing that can get on my nerves with DH and the sleep deprivation and just lack of me-time can lead to arguments. I try to bring up issues when I'm calm and as rested as possible, so I don't get overly emotional and irrational in arguments and we can actually talk through things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-340344 Sun, 14 Oct 2012 18:49:08 +0000 chrispygal 340344@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. I definitely think having our daughter has been an adjustment for us and we most certainly have been fighting more than ever. We had a HUUUUGE fight when she was about 2 months old. We both let it go because we weren't getting anywhere, but I know I still think about it. He gave me crap for having to come home from work and do "work", as in grilling chicken. My response was something along the lines of "really? what do you think I do all day?" As you can imagine, it spiraled downhill from there. </p> <p>I definitely do more than DH does and while he is helpful, I'm guessing I do at least twice as much still. I'm doing better now that I am back at work, because I do get "me" time and DH is somewhat good about letting me head out on my own for some errands on the weekend. It was even more critical for this time when I was home all the time, so I understand how you are feeling. </p> <p>We are doing ok, and I'm trying to push us communicating more. I do think we need a date night, and hopefully we'll get one soon. Our daughter is a very good baby so this helps our cause. I can imagine how much more challenging the situation would be with a fussy baby.</p> <p>So I guess I have not much to offer you other than support and to let you know that you are not alone. It's been an adjustment here as well. I hope it gets better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-340313 Sun, 14 Oct 2012 18:24:07 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 340313@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sounds really hard :(</p> <p>Mr. Jacks didn't have a hard time or fight much when we brought our first home... but we knew it was going to be hard, so we treated ourselves in that first month to a seminar called "Bringing Baby Home" by John Gottman. We participated in it and practiced the exercises diligently. I feel that it made a huge difference in our quality of life in those early days with a colicky little one.</p> <p>I believe Gottman has books and workbooks if there are no seminars in your area. I highly recommend!</p> <p><a href="http://www.bbhonline.org/" rel="nofollow">http://www.bbhonline.org/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-340308 Sun, 14 Oct 2012 18:12:33 +0000 rachiecakes 340308@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We haven't fought about it, but boy do I know what you mean! DH can work from home while I'm at the office full time, so he has DS all day. When I get home from one job, I take up my second job - taking care of DS, dinner, bath, bed, etc., I don't get the time that DH does to do his things alone. He goes to a LOT of hockey games. While I love my time with DS and treasure it, I do need to have a 'me' moment every now and then. I think sometimes that he thinks that I "get out" because I'm at my office all day, but that's WORK. It's not like I'm relaxing, enjoying myself.<br /> Nevermind that in the 10 months we've had DS we haven't had much time just the two of us and I do wonder if that will ever change as well.. it feels like it's been forever since we've gone out together, just us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-340262 Sun, 14 Oct 2012 16:57:16 +0000 HLK208 340262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh gosh, I'm really sorry. DH is kind of similar, as in he works quite a bit so he isn't around to help at all. It gets exhausting! When he is home, he just doesn't understand how much I multitask and he can't handle what I can.<br /> I try to put myself in his shoe's and let him know that I appreciate him because I usually get appreciation in return and it really helps me to continue to do my job without resentment. However, you need time to yourself. Can you set up a day every week where you get a few hours to yourself? If things don't get better, I'd go see a couples therapist. Babies are life changing and it may take awhile to adjust but it will happen, especially if your DH understands how much pressure you are feeling right now/tries his best to relieve that...it might just take some outside help to let him know. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-340234 Sun, 14 Oct 2012 16:08:02 +0000 mrsmenow 340234@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had a really hard time after we had #2 (DH's first, my second). I felt he wasn't helping, he never got up at night and the exhaustion took a toll on us. As DD got older things got so much better. </p> <p>Do you have any family close by that could watch the kids for a couple of hours so the two of you could go get dinner or something just the two of you? Making time as a couple helped, even if it was getting a bottle of wine and a special dessert and relaxing once the kids go to bed.</p> <p>As far as having alone time, you need it. Maybe once DH feel he is getting more you time he will be willing to help you get away more. Until then pick a night of the week when DH is at work and have a you night, even if you are still home. Stop the laundry, cleaning, etc. for one night. Get a book or something relaxing and just take the night once a week to skip chores. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/hubby-and-i-had-the-biggest-fight-ever#post-340220 Sun, 14 Oct 2012 15:45:51 +0000 junebugmama 340220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can say before pregnancy/baby we probably had 3 fights, all of which I remember, because they were so rare. Since baby, we fight a ton. I feel like he's not helping enough, he feels like he's no longer a priority, I feel like I need a break by myself, he feels like he needs me more, and I just feel like every one needs me ALL. OF. THE . TIME.</p> <p>I fully understand that mommy-hood means someone needing you in order to sustain life pretty much 24 hours a day. However, I had other thoughts of what my life would be like post baby. My husband was a single dad when I met him. Raising a son on his own, and doing a pretty amazing job. Because of this I assumed, that we wouldn't be like other couples. That he would know exactly what it was like to need a baby break, since he had been through this already. Boy was I wrong! My husband is very little help when it comes to the baby. He feels as though I am the only one that can soothe our son. He also doesn't understand why I need alone time. He works 2nd shift and thinks that my alone time is after the kids go to bed, since he's working. I can't go anywhere though. I am trapped in the house, which means, I continue to do Mom things. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, night feedings, etc. </p> <p>I think he struggles to handle the 2 kids by himself, where for me it comes a little easier. He gets frustrated and takes it out on the older one. </p> <p>So today we argued back and forth for hours. Picking at each other on and off all day. I feel like our relationship is really suffering and that this baby has really changed us for the worst. It's totally awful.</p> <p>Anyone else's relationship having a hard time adjusting post baby? </p>