https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 16 Aug 2026 01:29:11 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-213378 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 14:54:25 +0000 littlebug 213378@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I like @Mr. Bee's suggestion to get your inlaws a sleep-training book. I think thoughts on sleep and sleep-training have changed so dramatically in the past generations, maybe it would help him understand your position if he could see the resources you used to make that decision. Just a thought. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-213279 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 13:53:34 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 213279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrstilly: I just wanted to send a virtual hug. The sleep training thing is controversial, so I can understand where there would be contentiousness, but I also understand how hard it is to be scrutinized and have role confusion with close family.</p> <p>That said, you've developed a parenting style and they need to support you in that. Have your husband make it clear that this is what he wants too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-213256 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 13:42:42 +0000 prettylizy 213256@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>ooh big hugs! IL's can be tough, especially when it comes to their grandkids. Mine don't understand my feeding choices for LO (EBF and I plan on baby led weaning when we get to solids). I think having a discussion with your DH and having him present it to your IL's might not be a bad idea. I feel like sometimes DH has to be the one to intervene with his parents so that I don't create a rift with them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-213249 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 13:34:19 +0000 mrstilly 213249@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone for the comments. It was really a rough and emotional day. Now that I've had some space from it, I feel a lot better and the comments you all have posted are so comforting and reassuring. </p> <p>I was so proud of myself for mostly keeping my cool and not doing anything to further damage the relationship with my inlaws or my husband by spewing insults or just leaving without coming back. </p> <p>I'm confident in the decisions DH and I make about how to raise DS, but I'm very insecure when it comes to other people questioning how we are doing things. I want others, especially DH's family to respect us as DS's parents, and me especially as a wife and mom. </p> <p>I have really struggled over the months spending so much time with my inlaws, but DH makes money by working on the farm and he has always been very close to his family, spending all of his weekends and vacations from college or teaching back at home. We are going to have to break away a bit, but DH lost his teaching job when his school made serious cuts, so we could really use the money. </p> <p>I know that my in-laws don't understand how hard it is for me to be there all the time. I'm trying to be a wife a mother at the same time as my MIL is, and the two don't combine very well. The roles get all confused when we are there and I don't always know how to handle it. </p> <p>It's reassuring to know that I'm not being selfish by wanting time away from them with my husband and my son, or even by myself, and that it's also pretty selfless to be staying with them most weekends. It is hard, and there is some relief from just acknowledging that. Thankfully I'm at my own home this weekend so I'll have some more space and time to process everything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-213247 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 13:29:18 +0000 kakimochi 213247@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>talking with DH and making sure that you are united and agree with the approaches you are going to take will be important, both for the in-laws and the child. and then i agree with some of the other posters, to sit down and talk it out with your in-laws, how you want to raise yourchild and the approaches you want to take, especially since it sounds like you were able to get some of the things you wanted to say when you went back, which is great since there was a somewhat peaceful medium, but not all things wanted to say got out. getting your DH to back you up will be key too, it won't look so good if you're just making the comments, and DH is keeping mum. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-212868 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 09:22:57 +0000 edelweiss 212868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>oh i'm sorry about that. i think it's wonderful that you and your DH are committed to raising DS so he can be close to his grandparents. i think your reaction was completely understandable and sometimes things just get to a point where you need to remove yourself and then try to set some boundaries. good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-212860 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 09:19:03 +0000 twinmama 212860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. I'd flip out if anyone even insinuated I was intentially harming my children, let alone saying to my face that I was abusing them.</p> <p>Might be worth having a sit down with DH and his folks about how a lot of parenting strategies have changed over time, and if they have concerns or suggestions they need to bring them to you in a calm and respectful manner. But that for the most part, they need to let you make your own decisions.</p> <p>Two of the biggest hurdles I've had communicating with certain people of other generations is (1) making them acknowledge that they got to make their choices and have particular life experiences, and now I do too. I'm a responsible adult who makes informed choices. Not all of them will be 'right' but that's life. and (2) enforcing that just because I am younger/female/pregnant, etc doesn't make my words any less important than yours, so please let me share my thoughts in full before responding with yours. Sounds like both of those issues are at play for you too - it can be so overwhelming and frustrating. I'm sure your ILs are good people, but they need to pay you some more respect. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-212812 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 08:52:26 +0000 mrbee 212812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sleep is one of the big generational differences. Our parents' generation just doesn't understand how parental approach to baby sleep has chanced over the years.</p> <p>Maybe you could get a sleep book for your FIL? Also, maybe write them a letter about your feelings? You don't even have to necessarily send them the letter... just writing it would probably make you feel better! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-212800 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 08:44:21 +0000 kml636 212800@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes. That is really tough. Suffice to say, I would not ever want to stay with my in laws on any regular basis! You are a saint! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-212795 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 08:40:07 +0000 mrsjyw 212795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hugggggs. I would've done exactly what you did, and I'm sorry that you were put in that position. I've dealt with similar ways of passive/aggressive comments from MIL with non-LO things and I hope to God that I don't have to deal with them once LO is here... I will go BEZERKO nuts on all things parenting/etc.</p> <p>Sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall, and I totally understand your leftover resentment since they didn't really let you speak your mind 100%... </p> <p>Hope you get a chance to really hash it out with them; though I know it's actually hard to come by those opportunities... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/huge-fight-with-fil-over-parenting-choice#post-212775 Fri, 06 Jul 2012 08:24:30 +0000 mrstilly 212775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Background: my in-laws are dairy farmers who have a very old-fashioned view of how things should be done and have been very sheltered from things. They are wonderful people with huge hearts who love us very much, but they are also very strong minded, opinionated, and stubborn. Because they still operate a family farm, myself, DH and DS stay with them (45 mins from our house) almost every weekend, Fri to Sun. I do this for my DH, who enjoys the work and feels obligated to help, as well as for my DS since I want him to have a very close relationship with his grandparents and his aunt/uncle who live next door. </p> <p>DS is 15 months old. My in-laws have made passive comments about how we do things, and I try to explain and drop it. I try to pick my battles and in the last few months I'm much less protective and more relaxed. </p> <p>The fight:<br /> DH stayed at the farm Sun and Mon night, so I started sleep training DS to wake up later in the morning. (get 3 oz bottle, change dipe while drinking, put back in crib with bottle and pacifier in his other hand.) DS did wonderfully and the first morning he was quiet in his crib from 5:50am to 7:00am. The next morning he went back to sleep at 5:45 until 7:15am. </p> <p>So we went back to the farm on Tuesday night to spend the 4th with DH and his family. Wednesday morning we go through the same routine with DS. He is in his crib, fussing, but not really crying. It's a mix of babbling and fussing. </p> <p>DH and I were going back and forth about whether to get him or not. I was adamant that we decided to do this, so we need to stick to it. FIL was in the living room, able to see strait down the hallway where DH and I were. I was tired and frustrated, DH was worried and FIL was pissed. He ended up saying "this is child abuse". </p> <p>I lost it. I got emotional, grabbed DS from his room and packed my stuff. At first I was going to go back home. To make things worse DH told me if I left his father would have another heart attack. I was able to keep my head and I told DH that I needed to leave with DS right this minute, but that we would come back. I made sure FIL knew we would come back, since I didn't want him worrying that he'd never see his grandson again, though it was certainly going through my head that I never wanted to return ever again. </p> <p>I was (and am!) so furious. I've calmed down a lot more. I know that he didn't intentionally hurt me, but he did nonetheless. He was upset that I was trying to get Logan to sleep during a time of day that, when we are there, FIL gets to spend with DS. They are awake that early because of the farm, so he didn't understand why I'd want DS to get more sleep. </p> <p>But DS only takes one nap at daycare since he's the youngest by a year. He won't sleep when he knows they are awake. So transitioning from 2 naps on the weekends to one somewhat longer nap during the week is tough on him. (He really seems to want 2 separate naps when he's not at daycare). He also falls asleep on the way to daycare once or twice a week, since he's already been up since 5:30 when I drop him off at 8. The extra hour and a half of sleep is good for DS. I'm not doing it so it is more convenient for me or to take time with DS away from my inlaws. </p> <p>He did apologize when I went back and I made sure to say that FIL/MIL were very important to me and I want them to be close to DS, but they need to be aware that I can't take comments about my parenting abilities or choices, and there are some limits they need to respect or we won't be there. They kept interrupting me, and while I know FIL is sorry for the comment, they didn't really let me say everything I wanted to. </p> <p>But I am done just sucking it up. I am trying to be more confident so I can stand up for myself more and not take their comments or different opinions so personally. </p>