https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 26 Apr 2026 04:32:00 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729490 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 14:08:18 +0000 catomd00 2729490@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's a once in a lifetime thing, so I'd let him go. I'd probably skip the family vacation this year, or make DH go alone for a few days with the kids so you get some solo time before he leaves! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729375 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 11:21:47 +0000 Pollywog 2729375@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skipra: The wedding is in Northern Canada. So 14 hours of flying each way. So it isn't appealing to go with a toddler. Plus we have already paid for the beach house and it is non-refundable. </p> <p>@petitenoisette: he's absolutely not refusing to help. It's a situation where for the past 25 years there have been set family meals, so Tuesday is mac and cheese and Wednesday is lasagna. Because lo can't have gluten it dairy and I'm nursing, so I can't eat them either. So I cook for us and then we go over to say hi to the extended family. DH eats when we get to the family dinner. There's literally nothing else to do at the beach besides hang out with family, so normally DH will head to a sibling's house at night once LO is in bed. I could go instead, but it is a little strange to hang with the in-laws alone. </p> <p>As an update, our current plan is for DH to get more information. Are any of his friends able to go? What would the costs be? What would his itinerary look like? Can his dad drive him to the airport? Can my sister help? Then we are going to regroup and talk this through. I really appreciate the advice of trying to work through logistics. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729225 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 08:19:10 +0000 petitenoisette 2729225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also couldn't help but be struck more my your description of your family vacation than the wedding question. That situation sounds highly problematic...is your husband really refusing to help out more or are you kind of being a martyr about the situation? Just from your description, it doesn't make sense to me that having to eat something different means you have to eat by yourself. I did the whole elimination diet with my LO and also a family vacation. When you are on an elimination diet you can't also expect everyone around you to do the same. You gave the example of lasagna night - we had similar meals and I just made myself some quinoa pasta and sauce. </p> <p>Also what's going to happen now that you have a separate house and your baby has to go to bed? It sounds like you are going to end up by yourself every night while your DH is off hanging out with his family. This sounds just like a nightmare... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729224 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 08:14:19 +0000 avivoca 2729224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hard pass on this one. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729216 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 08:02:06 +0000 MrsBucky 2729216@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LBee: selfless meter may be my new favorite phrase of the day :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729207 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 07:40:58 +0000 LBee 2729207@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: I've been thinking the same thing and wondering if anyone would say it. I would have no issue with the wedding or figuring out the logistics with my husband if it was important to him. I have plenty of close, close friends that I haven't seen in 3+ years except for at big events. Life happens. I would be livid if he cited this as a reason I shouldn't go - especially since we usually reserve travel for these kind of big events, hence why I haven't seen a lot of my friends that live a plane ride away in awhile.</p> <p>My only point of contention would be with the family vacation - and it sounds like you already agreed to it and knew the expectations, so that makes it hard for you to suddenly take issue with it. I would take this as an opportunity to leave the vacation early and call it a day. Or I would confront my husband and say that my "selfless meter" runs low after 5+ days of feeling alone while on vacation and that he needs to either find a middle ground or something's gotta give. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729200 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 07:35:52 +0000 erinbaderin 2729200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@psw27: This is a very good point about the family vacation - it seems unfair that he gets to participate in the traditions and she and the baby don't. I agree that he should say "Ok, this "tradition" by necessity excludes the rest of my family, so we're going to do X instead. You are all welcome to join." Whether X is have an allergy friendly dinner at 5pm, or go to a shady park instead of the beach on a sunny day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729163 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 03:01:07 +0000 psw27 2729163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, the "family vacation" sounds worse to me than the other trip. A week of extended family who refuses to accommodate you to the point of exclusion? Ugh. I would be clear with dh that if he wants to do both he should be prepared to do a significant amount of parenting and/or staying together as a family unit on the trip (aka you don't sit in the rental house alone cause he wants to play on the beach during peak sun hours. No. No way.....) Maybe he should have a talk with his MIL or whoever drives the "traditions" argument that he and his family won't be attending at all if the "traditions" can't include his family as a whole.</p> <p>The wedding wouldn't bother me so much since it's just 2 days. I would definitely leave the unpacking to him upon return as much as possible. Oh and he definitely would need to ask for a ride to the airport from someone else. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2729150 Wed, 26 Apr 2017 00:02:24 +0000 JCCovi 2729150@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely the minority, but I would definitely want him to go. If we could swing it financially I'd take the whole family and get a babysitter for the wedding, if not I'd try to get friends or family to come help me while he's gone.</p> <p>It would be tough on me, but if the shoe were on the other foot I know I'd really want to go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2728887 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 14:04:27 +0000 ShootingStar 2728887@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd be pretty not thrilled if DH proposed this. My DH is very concerned with reciprocity though. Did that friend make a big effort for your wedding? If so I'd be more inclined to support it, but your DH needs to be considerate of the extra effort you have to put in and how difficult it might be. I think that @Anagram: has the right ideas in terms of alternate ways to get him to the wedding that aren't unfair to you.</p> <p>In general though in our marriage the philosophy is "nuclear family first". That's what works for us, and it's pretty non-negotiable for me. I would not be happy with a DH who constantly prioritized the wants/convenience of extended family and friends over me and his children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2728878 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 13:56:06 +0000 FancyGem 2728878@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know it sounds mean, but I wouldn't want to go to either one. lol If I had to choose I would go on the family vacation because they are family. Trying to do both would be to much for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2728873 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 13:51:53 +0000 dc yoga bee 2728873@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skipra: good point. I guess it would depend on how much work/solo parenting she wants to tackle. I think it would still suck she didn't get to go to the wedding :sad: . Maybe her and DH could alternate? Or she do her own fun trip! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2728866 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 13:46:48 +0000 skipra 2728866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@dc yoga bee: I would imagine she'd be stuck alone in the hotel just one night. I have no idea anything about the wedding so could be way off but if it's in like Jamaica or something why couldn't they all go as a vacation? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2728823 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 12:59:37 +0000 dc yoga bee 2728823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skipra: but, kids aren't invited to the wedding, so that could be a logistical nightmare going international with the kids and she have to stay in hotel with kids.</p> <p>Nope nope nope </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2728819 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 12:54:37 +0000 skipra 2728819@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd probably skip the family vacation and go as a family to the wedding. Even if DH goes alone to the actual wedding or reception, I'm sure the location would be a great vacation spot! I've had to do long drives and packing and unpacking houses alone with a baby and do not recommend it! Especially if it's to see in laws who are exclusionary towards me and my child. Nope I would say one or the other but I wouldn't willingly take on the burden that comes with both. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding/page/2#post-2728806 Tue, 25 Apr 2017 12:27:17 +0000 thepicklemonster 2728806@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This would be a hell no for me and I'd probably also skip the family vacation as it doesn't sound fair to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728572 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 21:12:02 +0000 caterw 2728572@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's a solid eff no from me! I travel solo with my kids pretty often but they are great car sleepers and it is still a huge hassle to load/ unload them, pack by myself, etc (and I'm usually only going a couple of hours away). This seems like way too much on you. Also- super uncool of your DH to abandon you on vacation because your kiddo needs extra care/ special meals and it isn't as fun for him to hang with you guys. Vacation should be relaxing for you too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728522 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 19:02:27 +0000 Raspberry 2728522@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarMaple: This is what I would do. The whole unit leaves early from the vacation together so DH can do his part packing up and helping with the drive home, then he finds his own way to the airport if he wants to go to the wedding.</p> <p>All the burden on you and all the fun for DH sounds ridiculously unfair. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728439 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:42:34 +0000 PinkElephant 2728439@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pollywog: A few weeks ago, DH went to a family wedding overseas that I thought was totally unnecessary for him to attend. He wanted to go hang out with his brother/cousins at the wedding...and decided to loop in a work trip in the destination country as well. He was gone for almost two weeks, and I stayed home with the three kids - the older ones were on spring break for a week of the trip, so no activities/school to keep them occupied. Obviously, I was not thrilled.</p> <p>I survived, and I'm over it at this point, but I still don't think it was a very nice decision for him to make. I had help for some of the time (my parents drove in) though. In your situation, NO WAY. Not unless he makes some MAJOR concessions (uber to airport, recruit help for you) to make the vacation part easier for you. And it needs to be clearly expressed to his family that these requests for extra help are coming from HIM, not you. No fair on him making you look whiny/needy. You agreed to the vacation (which is fun, but tricky) assuming you two were managing it as a team - this is a major and unnecessary switch-up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728436 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:41:22 +0000 yoursilverlining 2728436@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jape14: I agree with everything you said. I don't think the request is that big of a WTF, but the total unloading of duties onto one parent would be a problem. If you want to go but need to get to the airport at 4am, YOU need to get there in a way that doesn't involve me and LO taking you. </p> <p>Why not just cancel the family trip? Honestly, from your initial post it's clear you're not really having any fun there anyway! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728434 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:38:10 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2728434@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I think it takes a very agile relationship to be able to handle negotiations in a calm manner! It took DH and I years. I know lots of people who still can't manage those negotiations without anger, etc., even after multiple kids and many years of marriage. It is a learned skill! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728432 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:35:30 +0000 looch 2728432@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: I agree...I just use statements as a jumping off point. Everything is a negotiation. As I have gotten older, there are just fewer and fewer things that I view as non-negotiable I suppose. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728431 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:34:34 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2728431@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: this thread totally triggered bad memories of shared vacations for me as well! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728428 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:30:28 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2728428@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I totally agree to the "I don't say you can/can't do anything" approach, but at the same time...If it required me to do that much work I would say "I'm not doing XYZ and if that is necessary for you to get what you want, I suppose that make you SOL." I don't want to read into anyone's relationships, especially not the OP, but some boundary busting type people do read "I won't do this for you" as "you can't do this.". It just depends on what type of person OP's husband is whether or not he interprets it that way. As someone who is frequently pulled into extended family vacations, I can say that I would not be able to go for the plan as written because extended family vacations are a lot of emotional labor for me and after one I need a break. In fact last year I just flat out didn't go and DH took the kids solo. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728421 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:23:43 +0000 looch 2728421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband would float this by me, I mean, sometimes don't you need to talk things out to make sure that there isn't a way to solve for it? </p> <p>I personally make it a point not to tell my husband specifically what he can and can not do. He's old enough to weigh all the options and figure out a plan. And yes, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to, that's part of being in a family. </p> <p>As for the family that has hard time making new traditions, I get that...it's not easy and I wish I could give you some strategies. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728418 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:20:12 +0000 MrsLonghorn 2728418@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram's options are what I would recommend. It is a hard no the way you have presented it, but there are definitely ways to make it into a yes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728417 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:19:47 +0000 MrsBucky 2728417@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is really hard and I'm sorry! I would approach this with my husband as, " I hear that oh of these things are really important to you, and I want to be supportive. I'd also like to explain the logistical challenges and the negative ways this makes me feel/puts additional work on me. Once I've been able to share that part with you, let's talk about what we both think makes sense in this situation." It helps make it you guys as a team against the problem rather than you v. Him. I'm sorry it's an ongoing issue- those types of ongoing things can be so tough! I hope it works out for you in a way that feels good for everyone involved (but mostly you, heheh) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728406 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:10:32 +0000 youboots 2728406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catlady: I was thinking this too. Skip the family trip and make a vacation out of it. It depends on OPs comfort but lots of resorts have babysitting services so she could pop in for an hour or two.@Pollywog: well I'm glad I did not overstep. I still don't see why they can't make a meal or two everyone can eat. It does sound miserable, sorry. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728402 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:06:15 +0000 Pollywog 2728402@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: Thank you! We have had many struggles about this. It normally is nowhere near as bad as this. This is a much (much) larger issue with DH's family being stuck in the past and us trying to figure out new traditions. They are a huge family and don't really think about new family members. Right now the toddler is still breastfed and I have to follow the same dietary restrictions he does, which is why meals fall to me and are separate from the group meals. Last year was so miserable that we agreed to splurge on a nice house by ourselves this year. If vacation isn't substantially more enjoyable this year, we aren't going next year.</p> <p>The family vacation is 8 or 9 families and the traditions have been going on for 25+ years. While my mom would say "of course we aren't going to have lasagna night when my grandson can't have soy, dairy, or wheat", my mother in law views it as tradition. Especially because that's what she's done forever. It isn't intentional, just obliviousness and trying to accommodate everyone </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-flying-solo-to-destination-wedding#post-2728397 Mon, 24 Apr 2017 14:03:34 +0000 catlady 2728397@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely not, especially since your own vacation is with DH's family. If he really wants to go to the wedding, any chance you could change your vacation so that you all go to the wedding instead? I know you said no kids for the event, but if the location is nice enough, maybe you could all go for some extra days and then you could just stay with your LO on the actual wedding night but enjoy the rest of the time together? </p>