https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 17 Apr 2026 06:35:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403989 Wed, 30 Dec 2015 08:08:09 +0000 looch 2403989@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Just a thought, as a quitting aid, are patches or gum available? E-cigarettes, maybe?</p> <p>I realize they're not a long term solution, but they might be helpful in the quitting process. My father, who was a life long smoker was able to successfully quit using nicotine gum. He hasn't lit up in over 20 years....it doesn't have to be cold turkey, that's all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403597 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 18:50:57 +0000 jh524 2403597@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: :bummed: I'm sorry. That has to be extremely hard considering what youve gone thru with your dad. Hope your feeling well though </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403370 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 15:42:50 +0000 Cherrybee 2403370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you everyone for the replies, the understanding and the encouragement. </p> <p>He came in from work and immediately said "I'm sorry for being so rubbish. I will give up again, I promise". I said that I wasn't going to waste time telling him how disappointed I am because it will only make him feel worse and its not like he doesn't know how I feel about it. I asked why he started again, was he stressed? He said that it started, the odd one here and there, during our house purchase because he was so stressed but it has escalated over the last 5 months - always at work - into a full blown habit again, because people kept offering and he kept accepting. He, again, said he would quit. I said that I didn't need to discuss any further, unless he wanted to add anything. I'm glad I didn't make a big deal, even though i wanted to, because I know it would have been counter productive. </p> <p>@IRunForFun: I just feel like he did choose it that first time, knowing full well that it would be a slippery slope. When you're an addict, you're always an addict and you have to live your life knowing that you will always be tempted but you must always CHOOSE not to succumb. It was a long hard road breaking the physical addiction but he had broken free, he had been free for 5 years and then he CHOSE to let it back in. </p> <p>@Greentea: I know. It was silly of me to take it personally. Its absolutely not about me but at that moment I felt so betrayed. Not logical at all. I'm glad you all gave me an outlet and talked sense into me before I talked to him.</p> <p>@LCTBQE: LOL at fire breathing bi-atch!! If this approach doesn't work, I will try that one and report back! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403360 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 15:36:28 +0000 agold 2403360@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I"m so sorry you are going through this. I think you are doing a nice thing by sending him a nice text. The last thing you want is for him to be smoking and lying about it. I think you absolutely have the right to tell him that he has to stop. But really, only he can make himself stop. What I would do is tell him that if he continues to smoke, he must abide by these rules: (1) change his clothes before he comes into the house because smokes clings to clothing, (2) shower immediately because smoke clings to hair; (3) no kissing you or the baby because unfortunately a smoker's mouth is disgusting, and (4) purchase extremely good disability insurance and whatever kind of insurance that will cover all the ailments he is putting himself at risk of because of his smoking. I think you can put forth all of that in a very loving, concerned wife, kind of way. One of those four things is likely to cause him to want to stop smoking. Best of luck, lady. This is such a tough thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403333 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 15:12:17 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2403333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403332 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 15:11:03 +0000 gingerbebe 2403332@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One thing to help addicts in terms of the alienation and shame they feel (and then the resulting "screw it" defeatist attitude), is to make it "our" problem. I know that sucks, because you want to be like this is YOUR problem, but when you get collaborative and make it OUR problem you are likely to get more buy in from the addict. </p> <p>So you honestly express how his addiction makes you feel (a written letter or bullet pointed list is often helpful for this because it makes it less emotionally explosive than speaking and gives the addict a tangible thing to look at and re-read later), then give all the reasons not to smoke (written is good for this too!) like no arthritis in the feet, being there for your kids, keeping up with them when they are older, watching them grow up, not making your kids go through the horrific process of watching their daddy die a terrible death. And then after this you tell him his smoking is a family problem, we're all in this together, so how can WE as a family fix it? What are the stressors we can mitigate, what are some safeguards we can put in place to minimize triggers, what are some coping mechanisms we can implement, etc. Then close the conversation with lots of I love yous, I'm here for you, we're in this together, we're going to get through this, etc. and keep the encouraging words going as he continues being clean - I'm proud of you, lots of encouraging text messages, pics of E holding a sign that says "I love my daddy", etc. so he remembers WHY he's doing this and WHY its worth it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403296 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 14:43:15 +0000 IRunForFun 2403296@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I'm so sorry. :sad: I think the thing to try to remember - and it's so hard to do when you're emotional! - when dealing with the addiction is that the person really isn't "choosing" it. If they could choose they'd likely choose NOT to be addicted. And it's nothing personal to those they love. No amount of being rational or reasoning with the person helps because logically they know what they're doing is harmful but literally can't help it. What I'm trying to say is, if you can, be objective about it. Don't take it personally. </p> <p>This doesn't mean you can't set your boundary of smoking being unacceptable. It may just be more effective to avoid using phrases like "How could you do this to me?" etc and focus more on "This is not something I'm willing to accept so let's talk about your triggers and getting you the help you need to quit." Anger and fighting will probably just lead to defensiveness and resentment. </p> <p>Best of luck! Again, so sorry you're dealing with this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403274 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 14:32:39 +0000 Greentea 2403274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: oh honey, I am sorry this is happening. First of all I understand you feel betrayed and hurt over him doing something that clearly has greatly affected your life and means a lot to you. However, I don't think his smoking is personal to you. Is he very stressed? (Just read responses, sounds like he might be!) He'll have to find another coping mechanism and relief for stress... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403268 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 14:28:08 +0000 sapphire 2403268@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>"I need you to quit smoking. We got married with the understanding that you would not smoke. How can I help?" </p> <p>Threats are rarely useful, and in my experience, break down rather than build up a relationship. Being compassionate does not mean that it's not serious. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2403246 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 14:19:22 +0000 MamaG 2403246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I'm sorry and I understand your frustration and stance. My DH chewed tobacco prior to our marriage. It's a dealbreaker for me. He'll occasionally joke about starting but so far he knows to only joke and not follow through. </p> <p>I hope your DH gets the support he needs to quit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402762 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 09:00:17 +0000 FaithFertility 2402762@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: No advice, just very sorry! I can imagine the hurt! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402753 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 08:55:03 +0000 LCTBQE 2402753@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No personal experience with this, but I have two dear friends who have had the exact same promise broken with their husbands--one is at her wit's end, one kind of threw in the towel. You sound like a very sweet and supportive spouse, and it's hard how being the cool/nice wife can sometimes give you a situation where you're not being taken seriously. This is my big frustration in my marriage--sometimes I wonder if I was a fire-breathing biatch if I would get what I need :meh: but as another poster said, this is of course mostly about addiction, and it's a beast. Hugs to you. I hope something snaps him out of it for good. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402742 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 08:42:30 +0000 Cherrybee 2402742@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Thank you. :heart: I felt sick my my stomach when i saw him lighting it in the street. :sad: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402739 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 08:39:13 +0000 Cherrybee 2402739@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I will certainly ask him but our life is just stressful, generally. I've been through a bad patch recently (ante natal depression) and we moved house a few months ago. </p> <p>Thanks everyone. I feel so betrayed. In some ways, its worse than cheating. At least if he had cheated, that only affects me and him. Slowly killing himself affects E as well. How could he do that to her? And its not just the ultimate horrible death (my dad weighed 5 stone when it eventually won) - smoking affects his autoimmune condition. It has gotten worse recently (the arthritis is back in his feet) and now I know why. How could he risk being permanently disabled? How could he deliberately choose to let this back into his life when there's so much at stake? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402722 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 08:07:41 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2402722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @looch: as well. What is the stressor or reason he picked it back up? I think being open and supportive to help him find some of the root cause will help him quit (since he's already said he's willing) and for you to help him avoid those triggers in the future. </p> <p>But I think its also ok for you to calmly let him know that this is absolutely not ok with you. There is a difference in supporting someone and supporting the actions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402711 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 07:45:44 +0000 hellobeeboston 2402711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, agree with @looch: </p> <p>My husband has been saying he's going to quit forever. And did 100% for a year, but will lapse into smoking a pack one month, then stop for a few months. But he will do it when he's really stressed, and the only thing that gets him off the path is to start working out. If he can get into sports or a gym routine he will stop. </p> <p>I feel your pain though. I HATE IT and it really upsets me when he starts again. I tell him I don't want him to die a horrible death due to cancer and leave me and the boys behind but it doesn't sink in. His sister smokes so it's tough because every time he quits and we see them ( pretty often) she offers him a cig and to sit outside with her. Which I can see the appeal, leave the loud kids and get a minute of relaxing. It's so hard. Ugh!!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402696 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 07:05:15 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2402696@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. Smoking is gross and watching loved ones smoke is just heartbreaking. Both my parents are/were smokers.</p> <p>I'd try the heart to heart thing first and reiterate how much smoking bothers you, isn't good for your children- second hand smoke/ watching a parent a die, and isn't good for him- health factors. Tell him how awesome he was when he quit the first time- assisted or not that's a fete!</p> <p>Then, send him back to the doctor for help quitting again. Finally, together figure out what caused the lapse &amp; work with him (or the both of you) to fix it. Good luck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402681 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 06:23:59 +0000 ValentineMommy 2402681@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have any advice that the other ladies didn't already supply, but just wanted to say hugs! That is a really tough situation. I would definitely talk to him and see if there are any underlying stressors. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402680 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 06:08:01 +0000 looch 2402680@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is the smoking a response to a stressor in his life? If so, I'd try to get to the bottom of what is causing him stress abd address that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402677 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 05:33:44 +0000 avivoca 2402677@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I'm so sorry. I would feel exactly the same as you. Smoking is nonnegotiable for me too and it would kill me if I found my husband smoking. I think you did the right thing for now and I hope he is able to quit again once you all get to the root of why he started again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402673 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 04:58:00 +0000 Cherrybee 2402673@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've text him back and done the loving, supportive bit. It grieves me but I guess its the right thing to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402671 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 04:02:30 +0000 Cherrybee 2402671@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Dapple Grey: Thank you for your response. The leaving him talk is probably my knee jerk reaction to the situation..... They say that you cant change someone, you can only control your reaction and what you're willing to accept. I'm not willing to accept a husband who smokes and as I cant force him to stop right this second, my reflex reaction is to pack my bag.... </p> <p>I'm not an arguer by nature but I feel like he needs to know how terrible this is. I fear that by doing the caring, sharing, supportive act, I'm giving the message that its all ok. </p> <p>He has text me from work to say he promises to quit again. I don't know how to reply because I don't want to betray the seriousness of the situation by letting him off the hook so easily. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402669 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 03:36:57 +0000 Dapple Grey 2402669@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Eeek! I'm sorry! Hugs :heart:<br /> It appears that this is a tricky situation with lots of layers. </p> <p>Addiction is not an easy subject. It's like trying to find logic in an illogical process. Everyone knows its unhealthy &amp; can be deadly, but the people do it anyway at any cost. Thats why it drives people who aren't in the cycle insane.</p> <p>Perhaps it's the lying and not necessarily the smoking that is hurting the most. Since you say that you would leave him if it weren't for your kids, it sounds like there may be some deeper issues to workout, and the smoking is the tip of the iceberg. </p> <p>If you would really leave your husband due to smoking, and he knows that for a fact (before hand) and he took the risk- he is probably dealing with some issues.</p> <p>I know this is a super sensitive issue for you for because of the loss of your father. Take a deep breathe. and when your ready... have a good conversation, that seeks information and further understanding. Make a plan and go from there. I know a huge blowout argument would feel fantastic but the feeling is only temporary and can sometimes make things worse. We end up saying things we can't take back.<br /> Hang in there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402668 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 03:14:38 +0000 Kemma 2402668@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No advice but I'm sorry that you're in such a sucky situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-has-started-smoking-again-what-can-i-do#post-2402664 Tue, 29 Dec 2015 02:44:33 +0000 Cherrybee 2402664@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm gutted. :sad: I just caught my husband smoking. </p> <p>He smoked when we met. When he asked me to marry him, I said I would only do so if he gave up smoking. He said he really wanted to. It was tough - he had to have medication from the doctor - but he did it. </p> <p>That was 5 years ago. We got married, bought a house, had a child and are now expecting our second....</p> <p>A few weeks back, I thought I smelled smoke in his hair. I thought perhaps it was from standing outside with work colleagues. Then I started noticing it more and more. I thought I could smell the sour after effects on his breath more than a few times, beneath the gum he has taken to chewing, but thought nothing more of it. </p> <p>Then, this morning, he left for work at 7.20am. I heard the car start but he didn't pull off immediately so I looked out of the window.... only to see him standing next to the car, lighting a cigarette. </p> <p>I text him immediately, "smoke again, do we?". He replied "Sorry, only occasionally". It was 7.20am; he'd been up 20 mins. Its hardly an occasional thing, is it? </p> <p>What shall I do? I'm gutted. Do I have a huge row with him when he gets home and make a huge deal out of it? Do I tell him he has to give up? Do I have the right to do that? What I he wont? I cant believe he has been lying to me. If we didn't have, basically, two children, I would leave him. I hate smoking with a passion, since my dad died of lung cancer. He was with me through all of that but it clearly meant nothing to him. I cant believe he cares so little about his health when he has a beautiful daughter to care for. My dad was 65 when he died. </p> <p>What can I do? </p>