https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 14 May 2026 00:37:23 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-always-have-internal-conflicts-inside-myself-does-ur-childhood-experienced-effect-u-as-an-adult#post-2165043 Sat, 02 May 2015 18:18:55 +0000 thestairs 2165043@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-always-have-internal-conflicts-inside-myself-does-ur-childhood-experienced-effect-u-as-an-adult#post-2164384 Fri, 01 May 2015 16:50:53 +0000 Greentea 2164384@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you have insurance that might pay for counseling? </p> <p>DH and I both experienced truly unthinkable lives growing up. One thing I can tell you, is I try to use my experience to better myself and my life; in other words that saying, "what don't kill you can make you strong," can really be true. I think we can become good parents from our suffering because we know what we DON'T want to do to our children (that which was done to us).</p> <p>I am a work in progress, but accepting my mother's mental illness and that it isn't my fault is helping me release a lot of pent up upset and anger. I don't know that I can ever have a relationship with her, certainly not a healthy or even functional one. I cope by bettering my life, growing and working toward my own goals and the things I can engage in and areas I can make change. I try to manage my mental health which for me means sleep, getting outside everday, working toward goals and putting effort into meaningful relationships. I went through a lot of wild years, years alone, and years of talking it out and processing things to get here. There is lots of hope! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-always-have-internal-conflicts-inside-myself-does-ur-childhood-experienced-effect-u-as-an-adult#post-2164371 Fri, 01 May 2015 16:36:28 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2164371@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry for all you've been through. Have you considered seeing a therapist? It could possibly help you move past your childhood experiences. </p> <p>My stepmother was verbally and emotionally abusive. She hit me a couple of times but it was nothing compared to everything else. </p> <p>Since my parents are divorced I had a way to escape every other weekend when I went to my moms. I would get physically ill when it was time to go back though because I knew she'd find something to be upset about.</p> <p>What helped me heal was time. I moved in with my mom when I was 14 and spent way less time at my dad's. I felt guilty about that for a long time because I have younger siblings, but at the time she didn't treat them poorly. I was very reserved and hardly ever spoke above a whisper for years. Being away helped me see the things she said about me weren't true and that I had people that loved me. When I met my husband I wasn't completely better, but he was extremely patient with me and today I'm 100% ok. I can communicate normally, and I can freely talk about my feelings and things I want. Talking about it helped so much.</p> <p>I don't worry about being a bad mother because of what I went through. If anything it makes me determined to be an amazing mother. I think you'll be a good mother once you are ready. And it sounds like your husband loves you. I bet it you talk to him about your fears he will understand. You should only start a family when both of you are completely ready. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-always-have-internal-conflicts-inside-myself-does-ur-childhood-experienced-effect-u-as-an-adult#post-2164362 Fri, 01 May 2015 16:12:54 +0000 BSB 2164362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jasmine: Glad you were able to express yourself. Did it feel good getting off your chest? For me, it felt good to vent about it. I was silent about the abuse and it really took a toll on me for years. </p> <p>My parents used to be abusive. They are Vietnamese so they would hit us with random items found in our house. My childhood wasn't as bad as yours, but I can definitely relate. My parents would punish us by asking me and my 2 siblings to 'go lay down.' We would get spanked (?) by vacuum cords, chopsticks, fly swatters and really anything hard. My siblings and I used to stuff books down our pants to prevent the pain. Sometimes it worked sometimes my mom would find out and tell us to remove the books and hit us even more. The only injuries I got were on my butt and legs. Sometimes hands, if that's what my mom wanted to punish us. Oh, my mom was also verbally abusive. Call us dogs. I think my other siblings coped differently. While I took everything personally. </p> <p>When I was 14, my younger brother (12 yrs old at the time) threatened to call the cops on my parents and because of that they stopped all punishment. The verbal abuse continued, though. </p> <p>It was good for us that the abuse stopped but I still coped differently then my other siblings. I think I took it the hardest and had self esteem issues for a long time. It wasn't until I was in college that I had some depression issues and saw a therapist. She got me to vent about my childhood and how it affected me. It definitely helped. </p> <p>I am better because I was able to talk to someone about it, instead keeping it in. Maybe keep trying to find a therapist that you like and feel comfortable sharing. I've been through a few therapist. </p> <p>I'm not a therapist but I think you should think about finding another one to talk to. I think they would help cope with what happened during your childhood. Eventually, maybe you can accept what happened and try to find some peace about it. Maybe help you understand that it wasn't your fault and help you with those thoughts about how you think you are a burden on your husband. Which isn't probably the case. </p> <p>Feel free to wall me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-always-have-internal-conflicts-inside-myself-does-ur-childhood-experienced-effect-u-as-an-adult#post-2164278 Fri, 01 May 2015 14:59:05 +0000 thestairs 2164278@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I thought that carefree/independent life is the life I will live until the day I died.<br /> Until 4 years ago, I met my husband. We live in the same cheap rent bad neighborhood area; that was how we met, dated and married.<br /> We were friends for two years prior to dating. After his long chase, we dated when I was 28 and we got married three months ago. It was me that drag this relationship too long, we should have got married earlier instead of wait till I'm 30</p> <p>I married hy husband with nothing. We got married very simple, at the City Hall/ Courthouse with two witnesses. There was No engagement ring, No wedding reception, No honeymoon. In defense of my husband, it was me that chose not to have any of that. Giving my carefree and independent lifestyle, it isn't a surprise at all that I want the simple and purest form of wedding.<br /> Well, and just in case if one day he regret this marriage, at least there wasn’t much of any money spend on it.</p> <p>My mother give me alot of hardship over this relationship/marriage with my husband. Mom dislike him because he's Black. I went against my parents, against my family, against the Chinese traditional culture and values to be with him. Given my childhood and how stubborn I am, it not that hard for me to stand up for myself.</p> <p>However, my mom refused to give me her blessing was part of the reason why I chose to get married at the City Hall/Courhouse. There was no point of me having a wedding when nobody on my side of the family going to show up.<br /> I know when I chose to married my husband, my mom will disown me and she already did disown me. But I have NO regrets, he is an awesome husband.</p> <p>It clearly that the relationship between me and my mother is beyond mendable. But I do love and miss my old father, the father that never once abused me.<br /> I do drive back home to vist my father twice a month. But my mom still haven't change, she still belittle me and insulting me.</p> <p>Trust me, you know what emotional abusive is when you can see your own tears drop down the rice bowl while eating. I swallow my own tears while eating on the dinner table. NEVER once I can have a nice meal with my old dad with my mom presence, hearing she insulting me. If it weren't for my father, I don't think I have the strength to come back home to visit.</p> <p>Eversince married, my marriage seem fine so far, our sex life is fine. I cook, I clean, I fulfill my duty as his wife. I asked husband if he is happy, he said he is happy and he wants to 'stay married'.<br /> The 4 years we know each others, from friends to dating to marriage; the whole relationship is full of fidelity on both physically and emotionally level, there's no third party between us.<br /> He is an affectionate, loving, caring and responsible husband. He adores me, he literally kiss my butt cheek everyday everytime we in be together.</p> <p>I'm not even pregnant yet and he already kiss my stomach. He said when I’m pregnant, he wants to kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.<br /> I can already tell our future baby will be spoil, still in stomach not even born yet and already have daddy kisses everyday. Can baby inside stomach feel daddy kisses?<br /> With the way he is I can tell that he will spoil his kids rotten.</p> <p>Financially we doing okay, both me and my husband have perfect Credit scores. None of us have any kind of debt. None of us have any Credit-card debt. Our whole life so far, we are Debt-free. This does make us happy, especially me. And I want to remain this way, so I like to pay things off immediately as much as I can.</p> <p>I keep on insist aim at 50% down-payment. I always have the thinking that larger down-payment will give us smaller mortgage monthly. And we're not buying a big house so we should pay in cash as much as we can. So we don't have to worry many many years of paying monthly mortgage. </p> <p>When I told my husband that I prefer to pay the house half in Cash, he doesn't even talk back. He said 'Alright, anything you want', and he went find a second job. Working his butt off 2 jobs everyday to fulfill my prefer "pay house half in cash"<br /> Well, he did promise that after we married he will listen to what his wife say. But then he doting on his wife, and spoil his future children rotten, this is not good. He did said when we have kids, he will spoil his children.</p> <p> He said after I became his wife, he will listen to what I say. And the first thing I said is I aim to pay the house half in Cash. And he said as a husband he will make it happen for me, even if that means he have to work 3 jobs; to faster achieve my goal.<br /> But I won't let him. I don't want him to work 3 jobs, because I don't think we can have time with each others if he work that much.</p> <p>Right now he is working 2 jobs, everyday working 12-14 hours, and both of his jobs are Physical labor jobs. He sure is physically tired when he he get home.<br /> There are days when he have to work overnight too. I'm sure he stress out at his jobs, but never once he raise his voice on me.<br /> He is an awesome husband, and I feel like I'm giving him a hard time over this 50% house down-payment. Am I?</p> <p>I love my husband, I really do. He is on my thoughts before I go to sleep, and on my thoughts first thing when I wake up. But why am I running away from having a baby? I promise him we TTC in 2016, but now I don't think I'm even ready in 2016</p> <p>Perhaps I'm using the pay the house 'half in Cash" as an excuse to buy time? Perhaps the childhood experienced of my abusive mother is making me scare of become a mommy?<br /> How can I be a good mommy when I alway have all these emotional conflicts inside myself? Perhaps I'm just never meant to be a wife, never meant to be a mother?</p> <p>I also have a problem with giving in to my husband 100% on the 'emotionally level'. It seem like from my childhood experienced, I build up emotional walls inside to protect myself from getting hurt emotionally.<br /> I guess when I was little, I open my heart to my mom; and she abusive, she hurts me. So now I'm scare to be vulnerable. Even to my husband, I try to prevent myself from being vulnerable.</p> <p>It like the more I love him, the more scare I am of my own feelings. I'm scare that he will see my vulnerable side. I feel like 'emotionally I'm, running away from my pwn husband. I don't know if these make any sense, but it really how I feel inside.<br /> I know he is an awesome husband, and I know I love him but why am I still scare to love him? Do I still I miss the wanderer, carefree/independent life that I once was? The life that I live since I left my mother house, the life I that I live prior met him?</p> <p> I also feel awkward when my husband being affectionate to me. I feel that I don't deserve to be love at all, my abusive childhood did took a toll on my self-worth.<br /> I'm 30 already and still have all these conflicts and confused feelings, it is normal?? Why am I not 100% happy, am I just naturally prefer suffering? Am I just used to the suffering so much that now I just CAN'T adapt to happiness?<br /> Perhaps I don't want to be tied me down? Perhaps I still want to fly free like a bird in the sky like I once was?</p> <p>I'm just so confused, I feel that my childhood is the roots to all the problems I'm having internally right now.<br /> I did try talk to counseling once, but it didn't help much in get rid of this childhood of mine. Next step I can try Therapy, but therapy here in USA is very expensive. And being a person who obssesed with saving money, and a frugal person like I am. I don't think I want to spend thousand thousand dollars on Therapy session.</p> <p>Anyone here been through the same childhood experience or something similar? Can you share your storeis and how you cope with it? I know there are people out there in the world who have worser life than I have right now. I know I'm blessed, and I thank God everyday for give me an awesome husband.</p> <p>But for more than a decade move out away from my mother, and have zero relationship with her. Why I still can't snap out of this childhood of mine? Am I still yearning for the loving mother that I never had in my childhood?</p> <p>I always always have been having internal conflicts inside myself. Am I "normal" to feel the way I feel?<br /> Am I emotionally torture this husband of mine? He only 29 year olds, so he still young. Am I ruining this guy life? Sometimes I do asked myself the question: What if he never met me? What if he never married me, then would his life be better? I bet it is! I bet his life would be better if he married another girl, instead of married a girl full of emotional scars like me.</p> <p>My husband knows all about my childhood, know about my mother dislike him, and know about me not able to give in to him 100% emotionally, and he accepted all of that.<br /> He put up with all these since we know each others 4 years ago, and he still put up with it. I wonder how longer can he continue to put up, perhaps one day he can't take it anymore, he will explode?<br /> I have the tendency to blame myself alot, perhaps this is self-blame that I always having? Do those who are survivals of abuse tends to have self-blame? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-always-have-internal-conflicts-inside-myself-does-ur-childhood-experienced-effect-u-as-an-adult#post-2164267 Fri, 01 May 2015 14:50:53 +0000 thestairs 2164267@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Vent and warning... LONGGGG posts ahead, so if you busy, please skip it. Sorry!!<br /> I just want to get it off my chest, it easier for me to speak out all my feelings here online.<br /> I was wondering if anyone here have a bad childhood with their mother/father? Or went through a bad childhood in general, can you can share your experienced?<br /> How do you cope with it, how did you overcome it to live an emotional healthy life? Does your childhood experienced have any effects on your marraige, or when you became a 'mommy'?</p> <p>I feel that my bad childhood experienced is the roots of all the problems I'm having right now. I don't know if this is 'normal' for me to still have all these internal conflicts feelings inside me.<br /> Sorry for the bad grammars, English is my third language.<br /> If you happen to make it though reading this 2 long post of mine, I appreciated, thank you.<br /> You probably have hard time passed the second paragraph, due to my bad English grammars tenses errors all over the place, lol<br /> I'm feel like I'm so unsure of myself, and feel kindda lost. It probably noticeable in the he tone of my posts too.</p> <p>I had a cold childhood, my father was a businessman back in our homeland Shanghai, China. Dad was rarely home, he always on business trips working to make money to immigrant our whole family to USA, it is not cheap to immigrant to US<br /> We were able to came to USA, thank you to my father money from his hard work. Our whole family immigrant to USA when I was 12 year olds.</p> <p>My mother is an abusive mother, she always take out her anger on her children (me and my older brother)<br /> Mom always emotionally/mentally abusive, and one time physically abusive to me. In my whole childhood, all I heard is she belittle me, scold at me, and put me down like a dog. In her eyes, I worth less than a dog on the street.</p> <p>She ‘physically’ beaten me one time. I had bruises on arms and body, tearing on my skin, and red slap hand marks across my face. Mom said parents in China physically beat their children all the time, so she thinks it okay for her to hit me here in USA<br /> Well, she can't do that here. This went to Court for she “Domestic Child Abuse” me, and I was taken to “Froster Home” for few years before I got return home. The physically abuse did stop. But she continue to belittle me, and being emotionally abusive to me through her words.</p> <p>She is also a very controlling mom. When me and my older brother live with her, she check through our trash, digging through our trash like we are her prisoners.<br /> Yes, she checking/digging through our Trash!! She goes through our drawers, our room, checking our trash every single day. I don’t know how can anyone live in a Democracy country like USA can breath living like that, that is why I left home.</p> <p> When I turned 18, I left my mother house. I left with just my clothes and little money I make from work at my High school library. When I left, I said it straight to her face: "Even if I died on the street, I will never crawl back to her for help".<br /> I end up living in the Homeless Shelter for some time, before I can find myself a place. I became a College dropped out. In my 20s, I didn't care about dating because all I can think of is work to pay Rent, or else I'm gonna end up in the Homeless Shelter again.</p> <p> I started my life over from scratch. Work different minimum wage jobs, bought a used car. Move to a cheap rent bad area neighborhood. The rent here is cheap so it does help me alot in saving up money every month.<br /> I work at a Retail job that pay me hourly and little commission. I am far far from rich, but I do make enough to support myself. I keep my words, never once I come back to my mom for help.<br /> Times sure fly by fast, I'm already 30 year olds. It clearly that I don't have a close relationship with my mom at all. I forgave her for how she treated me in my childhood. I thought I left my childhood behind me when I walk out of her house, but subconsciously I don't think I have let it go.</p> <p> I'm poor, but I'm Financially independent. I live within my means, and I am frugal. Every month beside pay Rent/Bills. Left over money, I put my Saving accounts. I do have an obssesion with saving money. Am I too obssesed with saving money? Well when you on my own, you pretty much have no choice but save up money for survival for the emergency and rainy days.</p> <p> Financially, my parents are doing well here in US, they have 3 Chinese restaurants business here. They sure don't need their children help.<br /> The poor one is their daughter because I chose to leave, I chose to be on my own. I chose the poor life because I want 'Freedom'. I am NOT a fish in a bowl, I am NOT a bird in a cage for my mom to control and dictate around.<br /> I love my freedom and my independent life too much. I rather live in the homeless Shelter again, than go back to that controlling life and that house of my mother again. Hope it make sense.</p> <p>I'm the girl that hiked the mountain by myself. The girl would drive for hours to the top of the mountain. I love snow, I love skiing. I love to travel alone to different places. I love the street, I love nature. I go where ever life drift me to.<br /> I’m just so used to be a wanderer, the independent and carefree girl. I love doing charity. I love to help out the homeless, volunteer on holiday at Homeless shelter.<br /> I want to go to poor third world countries to do volunteer/charity works, help those hungry/orphaned childrens there. This is my life, I love my freedom. The life that I can fly freely like a bird in the sky.</p> <p>Continue on my reply below... </p>