https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 25 Apr 2026 13:21:20 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-105498 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 17:52:58 +0000 MegWag 105498@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ecogirl: That is great news! A family cruise will be so much fun. And it will be great for y'all to be surrounded by positive family members and enjoy some relaxation and fun as an immediate family unit.<br /> Hope your hubs recovery is smooth and quick! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-105245 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 13:50:19 +0000 Andrea 105245@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ecogirl: aaaah, i am so happy he will be going on the cruise! :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-105237 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 13:45:04 +0000 ecogirl 105237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my goodness reading all of these messages of support is both wonderful and surprising for me! Thank you all so very much for caring about me and this crazy situation! He will be home any minute and I think I will actually just show him this thread. :) When I spoke with him in the hospital he kept asking if I was alright and if he should call someone to come over to be with me haha! He was the one in a hospital bed and surrounded by angry family and he only cared if I was okay. I have such a wonderful man and we are going to plan a united front and a script almost of what information we feel they should know. Anything beyond that information is ours alone according to my husband and I totally agree with him! </p> <p>Oh and now that I won't allow him to work as much he is coming on the cruise with me for my sister's wedding!! I am so excited about that and can't wait to see him go down a water slide or deal with Liam's melty ice cream covered face! Haha! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-105093 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 12:22:55 +0000 plantains 105093@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you are going through this, but so happy that your husband is telling them the way things will be. It is really hard not to keep seeking everyone's approval, but mrbee is right, at some point you just have to force yourself not to care. My DH is parent Japanese and his grandmother was extremely wary of that when he was first born but really grew to not care about any of that. Now however, he has married a black woman (me), so we are hoing through it all over again with them. My side of the family have their things to say too. It is rough, but it will be okay. Hugs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104918 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 09:50:30 +0000 oliviaoblivia 104918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ecogirl: I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially when you should be dealing with helping your DH to heal.</p> <p>I have a very difficult MIL and have resolved to be the DIL that I want to be and to ignore whatever poor behavior and insults she throws my way. Having your DH united with you on this battle is so crucial and I'm glad that he is willing to fight for you on this.</p> <p>I hope next month when they visit that the focus can be on welcoming Gray to the family and not on the money drama.</p> <p>Internet hugs from an internet stranger. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104914 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 09:44:58 +0000 Mrsbells 104914@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think your husband needs to tell his parents about the prenup and about his DNR wish, so that you arent seen as the bearer of bad news. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104900 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 09:28:02 +0000 daniellemybelle 104900@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just want to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine the anxiety and sadness you are experiencing! But I hope you can take comfort in the fact that your husband is on your side and stood up for you. That takes a lot of courage, never mind the fact that he had just gone through a very scary health episode! The solidarity you have with your husband is something a lot of people don't have when dealing with in-law issues, and I'm so happy for you that at least you have that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104898 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 09:27:46 +0000 holdonforonemoreday 104898@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry to read of this. Please know that you are not in the wrong and that they are behaving terribly towards him. It's a generational thing. It hasn't come up yet, but I am 99% certain that the same thing will happen with my husband's family.</p> <p>Also, vent away! That's what we are here for, support etc! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104895 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 09:26:46 +0000 Mrs. Yoyo 104895@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It also makes me a bit more grateful for my own in-laws, who are Thai. While I've always gotten the impression that they didn't/don't quite know what to think of me (and I am sure I would die a thousand deaths if I could speak Thai and understood what they said) they are in love with Baby Y. They do make fun of his "foreignness" sometimes, but it seems more like affectionate teasing than anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104789 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 08:27:34 +0000 yoursilverlining 104789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just reading this now – glad your husband is ok, and that he has discussed at least some of the issues with his parents. I think because it is his parents causing the issues (and some of the issues are dealing with his family wealth), he really needs to be the one to be firm with them that you are his wife, and the mother of his children, and that the decisions he makes are his own.</p> <p>I am sorry you are having to deal with such toxic in-laws, especially regarding their own grandchildren! I just can’t imagine grandparents not falling totally in love with their own grandchildren as soon as they see them, especially if they love and care for their son. </p> <p>Just know that no matter what they say, your husband loves, respects and supports you and it sounds like he understands that he needs to have some talks with his parents. Are you or he close with any other of his family members? Could you build more of a support network with any of them, if his parents do not “come around” and accept you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104771 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 08:17:05 +0000 heffalump 104771@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So sorry that your husband gave you such a scare, that must have been so aweful for you! I know you've always had issues with your in laws, it kind of seems like there's not much you can do but distance yourself from them as much as possible. You're so lucky to have an amazing, loving husband. I'm sure he understands that his parents aren't being nice to you and they have no reason to act like that, and will always be on your side. And that's what matters most. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104694 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 07:23:49 +0000 mrs. wagon 104694@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ecogirl, I'm also so proud of you for putting your foot down with your husband. Obviously all the travel is way too much for him and hopefully this very scary health incident is enough to get him to realize it for himself, especially if the travel isn't 100% necessary for his work. </p> <p>Also wanted to chime in that I have ALWAYS wanted blue eyes. I've always liked my Asian look but I've always wanted that Snow White look with black hair and light eyes!</p> <p>Also, I have a friend who is 100% Asian (Korean to be exact) and his eyes are super light green / hazel, and his sister's are too. They have no idea where it came from because they've looked into the family history and can't find any non-Koreans, but they've heard rumors that their great-great-grandma had green eyes too. (Their parents both have brown eyes!) </p> <p>I hope your beautiful kids keep their blue eyes too!!! :D </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104636 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 03:07:10 +0000 SugarplumsMom 104636@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this but at least now you know. All is out in the open (as hard as it is to accept) but the only thing that truly matters is "your family" - it's not about them! I understand your need to feel accepted and loved by your in-laws, but think of it this way ... you have a wonderful, loving husband and beautiful children. If anyone had to pick, they'd pick a loving family instead of perfect in-laws any day!</p> <p>Since last year, I've had this quote on my phone: "I can't control what they say, but I can control how I react." I used to meditate on that quote and even after a year, I'm still working on it.</p> <p>I agree with Mr Bee - if you care too much about what they think, you will go insane! Especially if it's people that dislike without even bothering to get to know you. </p> <p>It really is their loss! They have to realize that grandparents or not, there's consequences to their actions! It's your family, your rules ... you and your husband needs to do whatever you can to protect your family, especially your children.</p> <p>HUGS! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104612 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 01:01:20 +0000 looch 104612@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your inlaws are never going to change and that can be tough to swallow. I don't have personal experience with inlaws that are that toxic, but I can say for sure that while I can handle a lot of things, I can not and will not accept degrading comments towards my children. They are innocent and should be protected.</p> <p>I really don't have any advice, but just know you're not in the wrong. At the end of the day, your husband needs to stand up against his parents. If that means that they do something drastic, so be it, you know? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104607 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:50:49 +0000 ecogirl 104607@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you Owl Mom! Tequiero21 yes Liam has bright blue eyes and that beautiful Asian curve to his eyes - it's a really unique look! :) Thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104601 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:26:40 +0000 tequiero21 104601@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ecogirl: wow! Never heard of part Asians having blue eyes! Love it and hope it stays blue too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104598 Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:19:39 +0000 owlmom 104598@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You have such an amazing attitude about all of this - it is such a heart breaking situation :( You have every right to feel hurt and protective of you LOs' feelings. I don't have any good advice, but I truly hope that your husband has a speedy recovery and that everything goes smoothly when your in laws' visit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104594 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 23:55:44 +0000 ecogirl 104594@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you so much ladies. I was shocked that he said that to them too! Haha :) We just skyped before his plane is ready and I told him that I am putting my foot down with all of this travel. I think for someone in their late 40's traveling internationally every two weeks is just crazy! I told him that it clearly is stressing his body and I want him to cut work down to one week a month. He doesn't really need to even be there but he really likes to be involved in his company. </p> <p>I'm going to keep being kind and patient with his family and I'll continue to react with grace to them. I will try to not bend so much for them though and I will certainly need to grow a backbone and not let them express their displeasure of my children in front of or to the children. This is the first time they will be meeting Gray since she was born. She is still so young but her eyes are also bright blue but with a beautiful asian shape, like Liam's and black hair. Secretly I'll pray that God keeps her eyes blue! ;) Haha Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. It means so so much and I will update you when my husband comes home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104585 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 23:23:14 +0000 Red 104585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't really have any pearls of wisdom to dole out but I just wanted to let you know that I empathize with how you are feeling. It would definitely be gut-wrenching for me to hear that family thought that my LO was "less than" in any way. Huge kudos to your husband for taking a stand against his parents cause that's not always so easy to do.</p> <p>And here's hoping that his parents will come around when they realize that they just drove a wedge between themselves and their son and his beautiful family. </p> <p>In my humble opinion, you should stop trying to win their love and just be yourself and be proud to be yourself. Remember that you are setting an example for your kids and they will most likely mirror any insecurities you might feel in his family's presence. It breaks my heart that little Liam knows that his grandmother prefers brown eyes, however it's one thing for him to know it and another for him to know it but be secure enough to blow it off. </p> <p>Good luck with everything. Hope tomorrow is a happier day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104568 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 22:35:14 +0000 mrs. wagon 104568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: that was beautiful!</p> <p>@ecogirl: I'm so glad for you that your hubby is on his way home to you. Obviously you have so much to talk about and I'm so happy that he is so on your side and not defensive at all about his (crazy, in my opinion!) parents. I agree with Mr. Bee that his parents are obviously not grieving their "loss" very well and are throwing away years of what could be happy, fulfilling family life. How could anyone look at their own grandchildren and think they are a mistake in any way, shape or form?? They will really regret that later in life. </p> <p>And I felt like standing up and pumping my fists in the air when your hubby said to them that by the time the money is an issue, they'll be dead ;) Woohoo!!!!!!!! Go Mr. Ecogirl!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104567 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 22:34:37 +0000 tequiero21 104567@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>=( I'm so sorry you had to go thru this alone... So glad your hubby is doing well and so glad u didn't have to wait until he got back to deal with this... Really hope your in laws wake up and realize its too late. You guys are married, have beautiful children and they can't do anything about it. </p> <p>I can also see how shocking it could be to have two major issues (dnr and no prenup) that they didn't think were issues be issues. Time hopefully will give them some perspective...</p> <p>Good luck hosting his family! I know I couldn't do it.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104564 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 22:27:51 +0000 ecogirl 104564@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>MrBee thank you for responding. I think it is so difficult because I've always dreamed about having a big loving family including grandparents and in laws. I've tried very hard to get in line for them and learned their language and asked her for recipes. I even am taking a Japanese cooking class to cook for them when they come. :( I think I just want to be loved and accepted by them. I guess you can't force that though but it hurts that the sole reason they don't really like me is because I'm white :( Well that and I come from no money haha :)</p> <p>It has been so many years now that I guess I hoped they would just learn to accept me. Liam told me last time they visited that she told him she wished he had brown eyes! I told him that his obaachann loves him the way he is but I think knowing that it isn't really true is hard.</p> <p>I suppose I don't have much of a choice now but to just accept that they don't approve of any of us. I have never been much of an independent thinker. I'm always trying so hard to make everyone happy. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104560 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 22:16:35 +0000 mrbee 104560@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ecogirl: Is it possible for you to stop caring what they think?</p> <p>My Japanese grandmother thought it was a mistake for my mom to marry my American father. My mom just ignored her, as did her kids. :-) Later in life, my Obaachan saw how her American grandkids were so kind and loving towards her and she realized that she had made a mistake.</p> <p>The fact is that when someone chooses to have children with someone from another race, something is lost. I say this as a half-Japanese myself, and also as the husband to a full Korean. I think it's ok to acknowledge that, and to let all the other involved parties mourn their loss.</p> <p>But at the same time, something wonderful is gained too: beautiful, bi-cultural children! Over time, family members slowly start to focus less on what has been lost and more on what they have gained. It just takes time for them to shift perspectives!</p> <p>That said, if you care too much about what the other parties think... you will go insane! That's why I asked if it's an option to just stop caring what they think. Typically it takes years or even decades to go from ignorance to acceptance. Attitudes about race don't change quickly, but they do definitely change! I can assure you of that myself, having seen it firsthand many times at this point! :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104552 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 22:06:38 +0000 ecogirl 104552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you to everyone. You are all so kind and frank here and I am so appreciative :) I just spoke with my husband in the hospital. I didn't have to tell him anything because his family went directly to his room after speaking with me and they yelled at him in his bed!! The man just had a medical issue my goodness! :( </p> <p>He ordered everyone but his parents out and thanked them for always looking out for his best interests but said that his financial planning has nothing to do with them. They hit the roof and said that it was their fortune that he was not protecting. He tells me that he got upset (that almost never ever happens. He loves to say his is a stoic Asian man haha ) and told them that they will be dead by the time the money is an issue so why do they care? They just kept saying that they think him marrying and having children with me was a mistake and taints the family's legacy. The fact that they consider our beautiful innocent and wonderful children to be blood tainting errors rips my soul out. I could barely breathe when he told me that. He was also crying and that never happens either.</p> <p>He is clear to leave the hospital and is taking a private jet home with a doctor on it just so he can get away from them and back to us. I am supposed to host his family next month and I do not know how I will be able to look at them.</p> <p>Thank you for reminding me that they also were suffering with fear and uncertainty when my husband was in the emergency center. I was only thinking of myself and him so I appreciate the reminder that they were emotional as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104530 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:42:07 +0000 mrs. wagon 104530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>omg I'm so sorry you are going through this. Firstly I am so glad to hear that your husband is doing ok. But how scary!!! To know that he's so fragile and so far away I'd be a total mess to begin with as well. But then of course to go through this stuff with your in-laws has got to be pushing you over the edge. Oh my goodness.</p> <p>Obviously everyone's emotions are all over the place with the idea of your husband being in a coma and everything. But I agree with the other posters... just wait until everything gets a little calmer and your husband comes home, and then sit him down and talk to him and just let him know exactly how everything happened. Obviously you are both on the same page regarding both the pre-nup and the DNR, but considering his parents are on the complete opposite page and now they know about it, he needs to talk to them about it. And obviously since it's all legal paperwork and already done, there's nothing they can do about it and it's just going to have to be their job to accept it. That will be tough but at least you have it all in writing (or not) :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104529 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:41:14 +0000 BSB 104529@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, no! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'm so glad your DH is okay.<br /> I agree with CupcakeMama. My (asian) mom would probably tell me how upset she is while I was still in the hospital. When she is mad, she is mad. Hopefully, your DH will just brush it off and try not to get upset. I hope he gets upset but when he is feeling better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104528 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:40:53 +0000 Andrea 104528@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds like the DH really needs to speak to his parents about his wishes. I'm sure they are stressed out about his health and then they hear all of this other news on top of it -- so they are not handling it particularly well. </p> <p>I think you should wait until he has recovered and then let him know that he needs to deal with these issues. Not unless his family will get to him first.... </p> <p>Sorry they are so being so awful to you but I am glad your DH will be ok! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104525 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:37:24 +0000 mrbee 104525@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ecogirl: That sounds like something your DH should definitely talk through with his parents!</p> <p>In a way, this event could be a blessing in disguise... in that it surfaces these issues sooner rather than later, so your DH can deal with them rather than put them off til later? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104520 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:35:26 +0000 lilteacherbee 104520@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh wow, that's horrible!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this in addition to your DH's scare! I agree that he needs to know, but I'd wait until he's back home so you can talk in person. Do you think his parents will talk to him about it before he leaves Japan?</p> <p>*hugs!* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-having-huge-parent-in-law-problems-and-i-need-advice-please#post-104519 Wed, 28 Mar 2012 21:33:40 +0000 chopsuey 104519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes! SO SORRY this happened to you..<br /> I'm Korean and I'm just speaking from personal experience, but when WE talked to my parents about being Organ Donors and DNRs and etc. they got REALLY upset. I think (it can be) a really touchy subject for parents.. </p> <p>Sounds like your DH never thought to speak to his parents about what he would like done in case something like this were to happen. I'm not defending your MIL and FIL's behavior, but I'm sure it came as a shock for them to hear about the DNR from you--especially since they were probably in distress over their son's condition.<br /> Like @MrBee suggested, I would write everything down and share what happened with your DH when he gets better. I think he needs to talk to his parents and set them straight about a few things..<br /> So sorry you have to deal with this. :( Glad to hear your husband is doing well..! </p>