https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 24 Apr 2026 15:35:52 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-41848 Tue, 27 Dec 2011 11:20:05 +0000 ecogirl 41848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee thank you for that very thoughtful advice. I will take it to heart :)</p> <p>Thank you everyone for listening to my rant :) I did end up telling my husband over the holiday what his mother had said. He is understandably upset about it but he held me tight and reassured me that we are what he wants. We will hold our heads high and make sure our children are loved at home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40997 Sat, 24 Dec 2011 00:55:39 +0000 tequiero21 40997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>=( i'm so sorry you have to deal with such annoying in-laws. i mean really, it's your blood. it's their blood. wtf cares what nationality they make up? i mean really. what is wrong with these people! (in general - i'm annoyed that it's most asian parents that think like this - i'm asian so i'm allowed to complain!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40902 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 20:56:55 +0000 chopsuey 40902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: great advice! i love killing people with sweetness!!! :D </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40898 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 20:53:00 +0000 MH.Abroad 40898@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Great advice Mr. Bee! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40897 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 20:44:59 +0000 mrbee 40897@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ok back!</p> <p>There are a few rules that served me well in navigating this world:</p> <p>1) Don't try too hard to be Something you're not.</p> <p>As a half-Something, the more you try to be that Something... the more you will get resistance (not always true, but often). So you have to find your own Thing to focus on.</p> <p>Along those lines, I learned to not try to be accepted. For example, I limit my usage of Japanese. Even though I studied Japanese in college, I found that I am much more accepted by Japanese when I don't speak the language but speak English instead.</p> <p>Not trying too hard to be accepted is also helpful in keeping your hopes and expectations down.</p> <p>2) Take the very very long perspective</p> <p>Personally, my Japanese grandmother was not happy when my mom married my American dad. Obaachan would've preferred that my mom married the Japanese man she had been betrothed to as a girl.</p> <p>But over the years, my family was very loving towards my Grandma and wrote her letters and cards and showered her with love. Over time, she came to love us as much (and probably more) than all the other full-blooded kids, even despite the language barrier. That process took years though.</p> <p>The whole thing is just a long process. When I married Bee, I was prepared for her (Korean) parents to hate me for ten years. If they still hated me then, I was not going to be happy. But in the meantime, I planned to just ignore anything that was said. It takes years for people to see what you're like, and to overcome their own prejudices.</p> <p>I lucked out with my in-laws though, because they accepted me fairly quickly.</p> <p>3) In the meantime, you just can't care what people say</p> <p>You literally have to steel yourself against the worst possible things people can say, and prepare for them. The things they say reflect their ignorance, and have nothing to do with you. I just ignore it, or use it as a chance to educate them.</p> <p>Having kids is the ultimate trump card. If they treat their grandkids less well than the other grandkids, your kids will notice and have their own opinions about it. Hopefully your in-laws will change their ways before the kids notice though.</p> <p>Overall, my parents raised us to love our grandparents completely. That really just melted my Obaachan's heart. That plus getting good grades and playing the piano haha.</p> <p>Good luck!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40895 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 20:40:58 +0000 mediagirl 40895@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ecogirl, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to send you a virtual hug. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40885 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:41:47 +0000 mynoahbear 40885@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So sorry you have to deal with in laws like that. I am Japanese (but American) and my husband is American. Our first baby looked completely Caucasian, as he looked exactly like my husband. Fortunately my side of the family were very accepting of that and thought he was very cute. They were happy he had a "tall" nose instead of a flat Japanese nose. </p> <p>Like I said earlier, I am very lucky my family is very open and not "japanacentric". I've lived here in tokyo for three years now and have seen how some ( many) Japanese are very proud and nationalistic and have a tendency to look down on people of other races. </p> <p>The fact that you have a very strong relationship with your husband is wonderful and I hope he continues to be supportive throughout this hard time. Please don't let your in laws affect that. Having a strong core family is most important and it sounds like you do have that with your husband and son. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40884 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:30:43 +0000 ecogirl 40884@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are all very sweet to listen to me pity myself. :( I really am not an emotionally high maintenance person at all and I try not to get worked up over small things. This is just such a painful thorn in my side. Thank you all so much for your kind words. @mrbee I'll be awaiting any advice you seem to have for me. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40881 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:22:09 +0000 mrbee 40881@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am half Japanese, and will post more later about how to break this dynamic! It's Charlie's bath time now though. :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40873 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:10:48 +0000 Mrs. Yoyo 40873@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ ecogirl: I understand to some degree... My in-laws clearly love LO, but are always remarking about how white he looks. Whether joking or not, it bothers me. As for what they think of me, they would never say anything bad to my face. But sometimes that's worse :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40850 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:33:55 +0000 Rosie Girl 40850@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>that is so horrible! I can't believe they would say that. They should love all their grandchildren the same no matter what is different about them! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40848 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:19:56 +0000 ecogirl 40848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you everyone. I am not one to cry easily or get offended quickly but I did cry after they left. My sweet little Liam asked me what was wrong and it made me cry worse. :( They will never accept me and I have made peace with that. Not accepting my children just because they aren't 100% Japanese just kills me. </p> <p>My husband does know how they feel about me. They told him often enough when we got engaged. We are stronger now because of it really. He does not know what she said today and I don't know if I'm going to tell him. It would crush him to hear that I think. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40843 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:07:26 +0000 banana 40843@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry to hear that! I'm sure your son is just beautiful and your daughter will be just as beautiful! There's a reason why your husband chose you and married you and if his parents don't see you for who you are, then it's their loss. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40836 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:48:34 +0000 autumnlove 40836@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry to hear about this! :-( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40831 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:35:28 +0000 MsMamaBear 40831@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. Hopefully they don't treat them any different. I hope not. Poor kids. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40830 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:31:12 +0000 sorrycharlie 40830@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my god! I am so sorry :( I also was hoping your husband didn't know, because if he doesn't know, maybe he can say something to them? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40816 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:02:52 +0000 Clementine 40816@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Dude, they are lame! Clearly, they have the issues. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40813 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:00:09 +0000 chopsuey 40813@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So so sorry to hear.. I apologize on behalf of all asian parents who are like that.. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40803 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:48:00 +0000 heffalump 40803@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So sorry you have to deal with that, how awful! Its obvious your son isn't lacking for love though with an awesome mommy like you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40801 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:46:13 +0000 Rubies 40801@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my, that is AWFUL! I'm SO sorry you had to experience that. Have you spoken to your husband about how hurtful his parents' comments are? *hugs* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-am-so-sad-and-frustrated-right-now#post-40800 Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:32:23 +0000 ecogirl 40800@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am sorry to vent here but I don't want to talk about this to anyone I know in real life. My Mother and Father in Law have always felt that I am not what they would have imagined or wanted for their son. Much of that has to do with the fact that I am not Japanese (or from a wealthy family). They were over this afternoon for lunch and when I was coming out of the kitchen I overheard my Mother in Law say that she hoped our daughter looks less caucasian than our son. :( My son is beautiful and a wonderful blend of his father and I. I am afraid that our children will never be treated with as much love as they show their pure Japanese grandchildren. I just want to cry. Sorry to vent here. </p>