https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 28 Apr 2026 23:31:03 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/3#post-2414337 Fri, 08 Jan 2016 18:05:17 +0000 jedeve 2414337@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I see this from both sides. </p> <p>I needed my DH a lot the first week. I was sore from birth, and he had to rock the baby because I couldn't. He drove me to appointments. He stayed up late holding the baby so I could sleep. Those first few days are sacred and hard. And ones you have looked forward to. They are not basking in newborn glory, they are a lot of work. And you need someone to help you with them. </p> <p>On the other hand, life is long and there are many important things your DH will be around for. I don't remember day six of having a newborn. I do remember smiles and first steps and birthdays. Your BIL doesn't know what it's like to have kids, and that's okay. Maybe he will get it later, maybe not. He is starting his married life and that is a big deal. It's impossible to decide which is more important. I think the best thing you can do is recognize they are both important, and regardless of what you decide, make your BIL feel loved. Ultimately whatever you two do will be you and DH's decision. So digging in and getting upset at his reaction isn't going to help much. Just stand by your decision, and let him know it's okay to be upset, but that you really care about him. Maybe your DH can decline the groomsman invitation, but promise he will try to be there, letting your BIL know that if there are complications, he might not be able to. Even if your BIL can't see your perspective, hurt feelings take a long time to mend and I think doing as much as you can to prevent them/soothe then will help you in the long run. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/3#post-2414311 Fri, 08 Jan 2016 17:38:37 +0000 pinkcupcake 2414311@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LovelyPlum: your last paragraph - couldn't agree more. And can I just say I teared up at how your BIL recorded a toast to be played at your wedding. I'm very close to my brothers and honestly, being there for their big day (and vice versa) is an upmost priority...but again, maybe it's because of the closeness of our relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/3#post-2414281 Fri, 08 Jan 2016 17:12:02 +0000 Mommy Finger 2414281@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LovelyPlum: I think your last paragraph hit the nail on the head. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/3#post-2414233 Fri, 08 Jan 2016 16:22:40 +0000 LovelyPlum 2414233@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My wedding was important to me not because it was a party but because it was the start of my marriage. I wanted my family and close friends to witness to that. I would have been very hurt if one of my siblings could not attend. DH's brother actually wasn't at our wedding, because he was serving overseas in rural Africa in the Peace Corps. DH understood, but both were very upset. BIL still did a lot to be part of the day, though: he recorded and sent a toast that we played at the wedding, and he arranged for other special touches throughout the day via my MIL. Still, everyone would have preferred that he were there. DH was very sad that he wasn't, as was BIL.</p> <p>To me, it is telling that your DH doesn't seem to want to go to the wedding. The thought crossed my mind that maybe the question needs to be asked if the brothers are as close as they think they are. Babies and weddings are both important, both for your little family of (almost) 3, and for your more extended family. And to me, the two events aren't really in conflict. If he doesn't seem inclined to make being there for his brother some sort of priority, well then, I think that speaks for itself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/3#post-2414211 Fri, 08 Jan 2016 16:05:40 +0000 ShootingStar 2414211@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's fascinating to me that so many people would be happy to be left alone with a 1-2 week old! We were fighting with a baby that wouldn't sleep except when held, I was recovering from a c-section, and my milk was late and had BFing issues.</p> <p>I needed DH to help me mostly in the middle of the night. He would get the baby and change him and then bring him to me to feed and then swaddle him when I was done. Even if my mom was there visiting, she wouldn't have been changing diapers for me at 2am. </p> <p>Personally, I'm not that close to my brother and I don't think a sibling's wedding trumps having a 2 week old. If the DH in question doesn't want to go, then that's his right. I kind of hate the whole entitlement that seems to go along with wedding planning. </p> <p>I wouldn't want DH driving that far, I wouldn't want to spend money on airfare if we didn't need to (maternity leave and daycare is expensive!) and I honestly wouldn't want to be left alone with a newborn at 2 weeks over night if I didn't have to be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/3#post-2414172 Fri, 08 Jan 2016 15:36:29 +0000 JCCovi 2414172@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For us, we would all go in this scenario unless we were still in the hospital. DH wouldn't participate in many groomsman activities outside the actual wedding though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2414079 Fri, 08 Jan 2016 14:08:31 +0000 LauraBear 2414079@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: well, DH said that he would try to go and ordered the suit and everything. But he waited until the last second to pay for the suit and so as soon as we heard that they were having major issues, DH asked for a refund on the suit and got it. Thank goodness - it was a $650 suit.</p> <p>The most annoying thing was that my MIL assumed we would all go to the wedding! She even bought a three month old tuxedo onesie for the baby... it was laughable how huge it was. Everyone in the family thought we were overreacting but there was no way I was going to bring my newborn (and my just-gave-birth self) to a remote island only reachable by ferry. Thankfully, the younger BIL was supportive of us but that was mostly because he didn't like the other BIL's fiance :) So much drama!</p> <p>I was surprised DH was willing to even commit that to going to the wedding by ordering the suit since he didn't like BIL's fiancé either, but he's pretty close to his family so it was important to him. </p> <p>Anyways, other people might have other experiences, but being a FTM, I thought I would want DH around and DH thought he would be really useful but he wasn't really. And he's super supportive and great and the kind of husband that supports/parents our baby while I'm getting my MBA while working full-time... but the first month it was basically just me and the baby. And I was surprised by that. If that helps at all! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2413476 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 22:07:25 +0000 winter_wonder 2413476@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: originally he said that is the baby came 1 or 2 weeks before her due date he would go and be in the wedding. But, he seems a lot more hesitant now that we're getting closer to March. I honestly don't know what he'll decide at this point.</p> <p>@raindrop: I thought it would be drama free since he has no sisters, but good grief! His middle brother loves to jump in and stir the pot, hence the comment yesterday that didn't even involve him (the one not getting married):silly: </p> <p>@laurabear: holy crap! So many similarities! How did the family react when you told them about your timeline early on? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2413335 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 19:37:43 +0000 LauraBear 2413335@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had this exact same experience!! DH has three brothers, though, but the youngest is only 17 so doesn't totally count for the drama that happened. </p> <p>But our first baby (and first baby on that side of the family) was due two weeks before DH's brother's wedding date - baby news came one month before engagement. Wedding was going to be on an island 5 hours away. We went through all the drama of telling them our timeline of when the baby would have to come in order for us to be able to go and all of that... and then BIL canceled the wedding one month before the wedding and two weeks before our due date!! Turns out their relationship had been rocky for a while and the wedding planning did it in. </p> <p>Not sure if this is your situation at all but definitely made me see their wedding planning in a different light - no wonder they "accidentally" planned it so close to our baby's due date - they had serious issues and shouldn't have been getting married as it turned out.</p> <p>This all happened this past August. Then, I wouldn't have even considered having DH go but now I think it would have been fine. With breastfeeding, I was doing most of the work for the baby anyways and my mom was staying with us. No way would I have gone though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412862 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 14:23:20 +0000 Raindrop 2412862@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First off I want to say I’m so glad I’m not the only one with BIL problems! :)</p> <p>With that I think you should do what’s right for *your* family.</p> <p>I also agree that DH probably knows his brothers best so he should make this choice (of course discussing with you also) on how to communicate and go forward with this situation.</p> <p>My DH is also one of 3 brothers and we actually delayed our wedding so that his middle brother could make it and a month before he said he couldn’t make it anymore. To be honest I was a little ticked off at the time but I understood he had work demands he couldn’t control. It’s been over 5 years since then and I totally forgot about it till this moment. </p> <p>I guess I’m saying whatever happens… in a few years hopefully no one will remember and hopefully no one will hold grudges. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412837 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 14:13:16 +0000 PawPrints 2412837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read all the responses, but yikes, what an awful situation. I would have been crushed if either of our siblings had been unable to attend our wedding. But on the other hand, I would have been debilitated if DH had left me to drive 5.5 hours away when our baby was only a week or two old. I physically could not have cared for her all by myself that early on. I could barely walk to the kitchen to feed myself without DH's help. This would be an absolute impossibility as far as I'm concerned, unfortunately.</p> <p>[ETA] Just read that your mom could stay with you for the weekend if DH goes to the wedding. In that case, I think you at least could leave open the possibility of DH attending. So he should probably go ahead and purchase the suit with the assumption he'll try to go if at all possible, but BIL and the bride should emotionally prepare themselves for the possibility that he won't be able to go. And definitely they need to get over the necessity of symmetrical bridesmaids/groomsmen. That does not matter AT ALL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412826 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 14:08:15 +0000 Foodnerd81 2412826@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Reading all the responses is interesting for sure. I think the brother has a right to be upset- I would have been really sad if one of my sisters couldn't attend our wedding. But if they made that decision, or said it was a maybe, then I would be sad but accept it. </p> <p>However if it was me and DH, he would go alone and I would have someone come help me. The hours with his family at the wedding would be more important than the hours he missed at home with us. But that's just us. </p> <p>If you have the baby early would he go then? Could he just say I cannot commit to being a groomsman, but will try my hardest to come as a guest? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412821 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 14:05:51 +0000 winter_wonder 2412821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@skipra: yes, he would have to do the driving on his own. :bummed: it's scary to think about that with so little sleep.</p> <p>@my only sunshine: that sounds so sweet that she was given a blessing and it turned out to be no big deal.</p> <p>@autumnmama79: thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412805 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 13:55:23 +0000 Autumnmama79 2412805@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I believe that both a wedding AND a birth are "once in a lifetime events" (granted many people get married more than once and many people have more than one child, but you get the point). However, I too, would be devastated if my sibling couldn't attend my wedding. I understand the excitement of a newborn baby and all the new parent feelings that go along, its easy to get into a tunnel vision about the whole thing. And rightfully so! Its a very big, important life event. And now perhaps DH has his back up a bit bc BIL is being so pushy, but thats because he wants your DH there so badly! Its really important to HIM that his brother is part of/at the wedding. It would be sad if he looked back one day and regretted not being there at his brothers side. </p> <p>Good luck in whatever you and hubs decide :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412803 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 13:53:47 +0000 My Only Sunshine 2412803@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: The "replacement groomsman" thing is throwing a weird wrench into the situation and forcing a decision, which seems unfortunate (although probably nothing you can do about it, I would guess). </p> <p>One of my sister's best friends was put on bed rest at 30 weeks and couldn't be a bridesmaid, so my sister just had one less bridesmaid and the pastor said a sweet prayer for the bridesmaid and her baby. It was so not a big deal, except she had already bought her champagne colored maternity gown, which I'm guessing didn't get a lot of use on bed rest. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412781 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 13:40:10 +0000 skipra 2412781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So I'm not sure if anyone mentioned this, but would your DH have to drive down alone? I would be nervous about him driving that far so soon after a new baby and all the sleep deprivation that goes with it.<br /> On the other hand, it is a pretty big deal to attend your siblings' weddings. My DH and his sister barely even speak and she and I definitely do not, yet we drove 2.5 hours each way to her wedding. It was never even a question. DH also attended his cousin's wedding a couple weeks after our first LO was born and stayed overnight with my mom staying with me to help. It was 3-3.5 hours away but he only had to drive about 1 hour of it so it was fine.<br /> Just my opinion, but I think he should try to attend if at all possible. But maybe only if he doesn't have to do the driving by himself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412734 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 13:20:39 +0000 Torchwood 2412734@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This wound up being an interesting thread. Another vote here for there being absolutely nothing wrong with him not going. BIL has every right to feel upset (there are no bad feelings!), but not to be a dick about it. No one would expect you to leave a newborn, why should your husband be expected to be fine with it? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412635 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 12:24:43 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2412635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: I think a lot of people are saying it's not okay to decline and justifying it because the (1) dad isn't the one that gives birth, (2) the baby will be at least almost a week old, (3) the mom will have help from other people that aren't her husband and (4) he could do a very quick trip overnight trip. I'm not reading alot of just accepting the answer No, although I do agree a firm No from the beginning would have been better. </p> <p>His brother doesn't have to like the fact that he won't attend and he's made that known- both bros have, but what does blasting someone over &amp; over do for a decision that they made? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412617 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 12:13:11 +0000 Ree723 2412617@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: Not quite what I was saying but I can imagine how waiting four years for something would make one even more reluctant to miss any of those first moments. As I said in an earlier post, you couldn't have torn my DH away from our side during his two weeks of paternity leave with our first LO, and we were extremely lucky and conceived our first try. I can only imagine waiting four years would make those feelings of wanting to soak up every moment even stronger. Just my opinion from an outside perspective... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412611 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 12:08:54 +0000 catomd00 2412611@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ree723: really? A baby that took longer to conceive is more important and special than one that was conceived more easily? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412603 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 12:01:54 +0000 Ree723 2412603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: @pinkcupcake: Exactly - their new baby is the most important thing to them, as it should be, hence why they should make the decision that is best for them. They're not asking people to skip BIL's wedding to come visit the new baby, as that would be ridiculous. Just like it's a bit selfish to expect them to put their new baby as a lesser priority to attend an event that is only of paramount importance to the couple involved.</p> <p>Given the OP's recent explanation that this is a baby conceived after four years of infertility, I am even more strongly in the camp that the wedding is a secondary event that should be attended if possible, but not if it means doing something the father doesn't feel comfortable doing. I don't mean to be insensitive, but if this is potentially the only baby the couple will have, I most definitely think they shouldn't feel pressured for one of them to leave the baby in the early days. They should enjoy every second of their experience without pressure or guilt from others. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412602 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 12:01:01 +0000 catomd00 2412602@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I don't think anyone is saying it's not okay to decline. But I don't think his brother should just have to accept it and not be upset either. Everyone's entitled to their feelings in this situation and likewise everyone is always entitled to do what's best. anything could happen. My DD was 2 weeks early so attending a wedding at a month old would have been beyond doable for DH and probably even me. That's why I say he should at least prepare to attend so if he can. If not, then okay you're out a few hundred bucks for a suit. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But at the end of the day OP, you need to just make the decision, have DH communicate it and have him deal with the fallout. It's his brother and he the groomsman, no need for you to get involved in the family drama. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412592 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 11:52:48 +0000 winter_wonder 2412592@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: Yes. Baby will be here before the wedding. There is no chance I'll be in labor on their actual wedding date. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412587 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 11:51:53 +0000 pinkcupcake 2412587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: " your new baby surpasses everything else to you." Exactly. </p> <p>@Smurfette: agree w everything you said. </p> <p>@Ree723: the selfish / self centered part goes both ways. Your baby is the most important thing to YOU. Their wedding is the most important thing to THEM. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412582 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 11:49:15 +0000 youboots 2412582@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Bottom line I thing commiting to be a groomsman then backing out on the suit he needs for the wedding is the current complicating matter. It's a bummer that the cousin can't be a groomsman regardless- I imagine he is frustrated also having to be a backup. Some people are really into having equal bridesmaids and groomsmen which I think is silly. I think the suit is pushing conversations forward that are causing issues. So your husband needs to make a decision on the suit.</p> <p>I had my first almost a year ago, if I had help, I easily could have managed after the first few days for 24 hours physically. Sure it would be harder emotionally but that time is such a blur.</p> <p>Whatever you choose, do it and move on. It's ultimately your call. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412581 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 11:48:59 +0000 Adira 2412581@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: Just to clarify, are you saying that the latest you'd be induced is still 6 days BEFORE the wedding? So there's really no chance of you being in labor on/around the wedding day? If I'm understanding that correctly, it really seems like your husband could attend the wedding without any issues.</p> <p>BUT if he really doesn't want to miss a moment with his newborn, then he should just back out of the wedding now and recognize that his brother is going to be hurt and upset by that decision. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412573 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 11:44:56 +0000 erinbaderin 2412573@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ree723: Your new baby surpasses everything else to YOU. Nobody else is (or, in my opinion, should be) as excited about the baby as the parents, same as the wedding. For the brother, his wedding is probably more important to him than the arrival of a niece/nephew who, given the distance, probably won't be a regular presence in his life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412561 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 11:37:43 +0000 winter_wonder 2412561@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is turning into a really interesting thread! It's interesting to see all the different opinions on traveling and participating/attending a wedding. </p> <p>@littlejoy: Thank you! Yes, the brother getting married is the one we actually get along with. It's complicated that it conflicts!</p> <p>@LCTBQE: Great idea about renting something! For some reason I hadn't thought about this. I will pass on to DH as a suggestion. </p> <p>@truth bombs: Yes, it is very important to BIL. I don't think DH will be any less bonded or anything but the closer we get to her being born I think the harder it is for DH to imagine being away from her if that makes sense?</p> <p>@mrs. lemon-lime @ree723: I definitely agree with your perspectives that weddings aren't the most important things in the world. </p> <p>@regberadaisy: My midwife will let me go 10 days beyond the due date. That would put me within 6 days of their wedding. </p> <p>@looch: Good idea about flying! Looking into flight options as we speak...</p> <p>@lbee: The suit is definitely complicating things! I guess I was thinking about it also from the perspective of how DH's potential replacement (the bride's cousin) would get his suit? DH is becoming more resistant to going the closer we get to my due date. I thought it might be better to give his brother more of a definitive "no" now so that the groomsman replacement could have time to purchase his suit? Maybe I'm overthinking things!</p> <p>@misoleee: I don't think any of DH's brothers will be very active in the baby's life. The one getting married doesn't come back to visit very often (2-3 times a year). We try to make one trip down a year to visit him. But he and DH do chat a lot via text. I think you're probably right about the resentment piece though.... :( </p> <p>@greentea: Yes, our first (and very long awaited baby). I think a lot of DH's reluctance to go is based on how long we've been waiting for this baby (4 years of infertility...finally pregnant using a donor egg). </p> <p>I will have help though, my mom can come down for the weekend if DH wants to go. </p> <p>@alivoo01 @lilbear: If it were a bit closer, I would definitely consider this option. But, 5.5 hours in the car with a newborn seems really overwhelming to me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412533 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 11:17:44 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2412533@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LBee: @Adira: @Charm54: I agree with you ladies. The brother with the baby on the way probably should have declined being a groomsman from the beginning since that requires at least the rental or purchase of a suit or tux. It would be much better to be a maybe guest than maybe member of the bridal party. Even still giving the man grief over choosing baby over brother is uncalled for. The brothers are upset. Ok. Now they should focus on something/ someone they can control. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-just-need-to-vent-about-my-bilsugh/page/2#post-2412524 Thu, 07 Jan 2016 11:07:24 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2412524@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We were actively TTC for our first baby when my SIL was planning her wedding. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and I happily accepted. I told her unless I was actively in labor or mere days PP that I would absolutely be there. (The wedding was 6 hours away). </p> <p>We were not yet pregnant when it came time to buy the bridesmaids dresses but there was still a chance that I would be pregnant for her wedding date. I happily bought the dress without question and bought it multiple sizes too big in case I was 8.5 months pregnant and I needed to be able to fit in it.</p> <p> I ended up being a couple months PP for her wedding and had to pay as much as the dress originally cost to get it tailored back down to my actual size. So basically I paid for the bridesmaids dress twice! I was happy to do this because IMO, that is just what you do for family! </p>