https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 23 Apr 2026 06:47:42 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1066440 Thu, 05 Sep 2013 03:41:27 +0000 Foodnerd81 1066440@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I am so happy E slept for you. I hope you were able to too- I know in the nights C sleeps a long time half the time I wake up anyway. I have found that she really does sleep better after a good scream session- I hate the screams but so e times they are unavoidable, like in the car, but she totally tires herself out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1066397 Thu, 05 Sep 2013 00:48:23 +0000 Cherrybee 1066397@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you for all your support, everyone. Its good to be able to sound off here. I don't know what to do about DH. He's hit rock bottom, I guess like I did the other weekend - but he is only doing it 6/24 hrs a day and its not like he has to worry about being kept up at night either because his tablets see to that. Sigh. I can't stop him being tired because he gets a decent nights sleep every night as it is.... and its not like he has to pick up household slack either because Im keeping on top of that, mostly. I know hearing DD cry night after night gets him down but what can I do?? I can't stop her crying.... am I supposed to take her out every night so he doesn't have to hear it?? I want to help him through this period but I don't see what more I can do?? </p> <p>In cheerier news, would you Adam and Eve it, LO only went and STTN last night. 10.30pm - 5.40am. I guess she tired herself out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1066289 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 22:17:09 +0000 yoursilverlining 1066289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This stage really is the hardest, and yes - it is so emotionally tiring, not just physically tiring. Even if you're getting decent stretches at night, it's not the same as actually sleeping through the night, and being needed 24/7 is hard; don't discount your feelings, they are normal.</p> <p>I did try to nap while my LO napped as a newborn and it helped. Sometimes I just wanted to veg out instead during that time, though, so that's understandable. I think you should draft in any and all help you can - even if that is just having a friend or family member come over for half an hour so you can take a long, hot shower or take a nap. My mom came over thankfully fairly often while LO was a newborn and most of the time I just slept while she cared for LO. This is a hard time, get through it however you can! Hugs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1066265 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 21:46:08 +0000 Lindsay05 1066265@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I remember conversations very similar to this. I was/am a terrible person at 3 am. It gets ugly. These moments do get further and further apart. Hang in there and keep communicating with your partner with how you are feeling. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1065883 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 19:24:38 +0000 AprilFool 1065883@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I remember an evening very similar to that. After coping with her by myself for 1.5 hours I went and asked for help and within 10 mins he was so stressed I had to come take over again. That was the worst! My husband gets frustrated by her crying so much easier than I do and so it seems to be left to me those times. While I know sometimes she will just cry he is like there's nothing wrong with you. He has gotten better but he can still have little patience. The only thing is those days get fewer and fewer. </p> <p>I found talking about being a team helpful, using the word partner and we (what should we do). It reminded us both we are in this together. It's hard when your lovely DH doesn't look at things from both sides. EVERYONE is tired in a house with a new baby!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1065677 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 17:44:37 +0000 Elderberrygin 1065677@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: yeah, that brings back memories. The colicky phase was hands down the hardest thing I've ever been through. I gathered a lot of support resources online if you ever want to be pointed in the direction of some helpful sites, though I know at that stage I was totally overwhelmed by all the conflicting advice on colic. </p> <p>Just remember you're not doing anything wrong. There's not a magical combination of holding and rocking and white noise that will soothe your baby every time she cries. Colicky babies are just harder to soothe. But all of that holding and wearing and rocking you're doing is building a bond, whether or not you feel that bond all the time - I certainly didn't in the early days. It's what you are doing, in really difficult circumstances, to show her that you are there and taking care of her that counts and you are an amazing mama and you're doing an amazing job. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1065618 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 17:13:11 +0000 Cherrybee 1065618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Elderberrygin: She's only 6 weeks and currently doesn't play at all. She will lie under her baby gym and smile and gurgle at the toys but only for a few minutes, then she cries - and if you leave her even for a second she cries. Basically if she's not askeep, being rocked to sleep or eating, she is crying. I tried wearing her but Im really hot all the time and she gets upset after a few minutes. If Im holding her, she cries to change position every few minutes! She does nap beautifully though during the day so I can't complain. </p> <p>Tonights been really hard. She cried from 4pm to 10.30pm, only stopping to eat. DH got in at 5.15pm and took her but by 6.45 he had handed her back saying he couldn't take any more. By 8pm he was clearly furious just being in the same room. He said "Im just too tired to deal with this tonight" and I almost snapped but I didn't. I kept calm. Then he huffed "why do people have more children?" and I said, in a super sarcastic, snappy tone "oh Im sorry...." then I stopped myself (I almost said "is our daughter stopping you from watching TV and playing on your phone?"). The atmosphere was awful.... ugh.....</p> <p>Just sounding off..... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1064969 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 13:07:38 +0000 Elderberrygin 1064969@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This stage is so hard, especially with a fussy baby. How does your LO do playing by herself? Or being worn? I got through the colicky days by doing housework while she was awake - either chatting to her while I did the dishes or folded the laundry while she played on her activity mat or wearing her. It meant that during naps I could do something just for me.</p> <p>I totally relate to the resentment toward even the best partner. DH really does an incredible amount of parenting when he's home but I still resent when he wants to take a nap on the weekend - I feel like I'm being made to work overtime. And I irrationally resent the fact that he gets to go to work, and have lunch with workmates even though I know it must suck having to go into work after having no sleep. Don't feel guilty about having these thoughts. Being a new mum is tough.. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1064929 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 12:56:30 +0000 Foodnerd81 1064929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: yeah I know exactly what you are saying on the naps. Sometimes you just need to do something that feels normal- shower, go out, etc. I only nap when she had a really bad night and that's really just me laying down in bed but not sleeping. I don't know what your relationship is with your mil but if she could take something off your plate, maybe? Mine was here last week and it was great bc she took care of all the cleaning and cooking all week. I'd just sit there and chat while she cooked or whatever if c was sleeping, or go lay down. Now it's just me and c and that lone one hour nap she's taken was just enough to wipe down the bathroom and shower. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1064578 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 11:16:20 +0000 JoJoGirl 1064578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Dude we had these same conversations, practically word-for-word. Especially about him being confused that I was so tired and why wasn't I napping while she napped (i got so tired of spending the whole damn day in bed trying to sleep! ANd it's not the same as night sleep!). I don't have any suggestions, but it did work itself out once she started sleeping better and I wasn't so exhausted and pissed off all the time. Now I'm back at work and DH has her alone for 3 hrs every morning while I go to work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1064535 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 11:00:58 +0000 Cherrybee 1064535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: Yeah, I could do, to be fair. She's a good napper usually. I like to try to get things done though! Im just about keeping on top of the house and the laundry, the gardens are turning to shit around me!! Im also trying to get out at least once a day for a walk or a coffee to stave off this PPD which is trying its best to ensnare me - it means I have to shower and put make up on which seems like a lot of effort at the time but it does make me feel good. Bit yes, if Im tired I should nap. Its not just physical tiredness though, is it? Im emotionally tired. Its hard being needed 24/7, huh? I would love to be absolved of any responsibility for a few hours, a couple of times a week perhaps. Maybe I should forget the fantasy of me and DH being able to manage as a couple - as a little family - and draft my MIL in? Big sigh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1063869 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 06:14:06 +0000 Foodnerd81 1063869@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I think you are allowed to bitch to your Internet friends when you need to. You've posted plenty of things that let me know he isn't a deadbeat jerk dad, don't worry. Glad you guys had a good talk though- it helps to hear the others perspective and not just let it stew. </p> <p>Any chance you can try sleeping during the day with her more? I knowi have shard time with that too but if its the only time she sleeps maybe you could try again. Hope E has a good day for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1063830 Wed, 04 Sep 2013 02:51:55 +0000 Cherrybee 1063830@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel the need to update this thread because I feel really guilty for hating on DH when he really has been so wonderful since E has been born. When he was off work, he was super dad and super husband and at the weekends he goes out of his way to give me a break - or at least a nice time - despite working sat am and taking his awful medication on Sundays.</p> <p>Its only since he has been back at work... We've been finding it hard to get the balance right....</p> <p>After I posted my last update, he came up to the bedroom to sit with me while I got DD to sleep. He said he felt bad knowing I was handling it alone. We had a little talk.... In short, I resent him for saying he is tired when he STTN, basically. I feel he should give me more of a break in the evenings and get so angry when he is "too tired" to cope with her crying for more than his 50% share. DH feels resentful that Im home all day and yet still i moan. He feels that I could sleep when E sleeps and thinks the reason i don't is because im being a martyr, doing the housework instead of looking after myself. If I rested in the day, I wouldn't be so tired...<br /> Wheras DH - who loathes his job and has a painful medical condition - doesn't get a chance to rest all day. I realised that we resented each other equally and were blaming each other for our tiredness instead of accepting that we are just new parents, we are supposed to be tired, but its not forever and we will get through. </p> <p>Just sayin' to the universe that I'm sorry for bitching about my DH. He is pretty awesome and I'm very, very lucky to have him. Im just a tired, grumpy mama who needs to sound off (and its better I do that here than to IRL people, right?). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1062722 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 14:58:52 +0000 Lindsay05 1062722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aww I am sorry you are going through this. It must be tough with the meds he is on but I really think its no excuse. You obviously need a break and you DH should give you most of the evening to yourself. It is amazing what an hour or two away from it all can do. Looking after a child is 50/50 and it does NOT matter that you are not working you have the hardest job there is. Hopefully you can come up with a schedule with DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1062697 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 14:45:33 +0000 Cherrybee 1062697@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh. Tonight's even worse. DH came home from work really down and quiet. He said he was just so tired and needed an early night - and he wanted to be in bed by 9.30pm. He cuddled DD for an hour - half hour each side of dinner - while I made and cleaned up after dinner and washed her bottles. Then she became super screamy (as she does 7pm til 11pm) and he tried to calm her but he lost patience really quick so I took over. He sat there looking really miserable while I rocked and bounced her to no avail. Eventually, I took her upstairs and am trying to get her to sleep. He came up to check I'm ok and told me he is taking his sleeping pills now. Its 8.30pm. I know he took his awful medication yesterday so he feels ill and I know he's tired and, hell, he's entitled to feel crap like anybody else but come on, cut me some slack here. She's still screaming.... Ugh. I'll spend until 11pm soothing her (while DH sleeps) then I will give a feed at 1am and 4am and 7am if Im lucky, then he will go to work and I'll have her all day again.... then I bet he will be just so tired tomorrow evening. AAAAASGH! Just venting now, really. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061705 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 10:03:25 +0000 looch 1061705@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was at home for 2 years, and I did all the nightwakings because my husband would go to the office. I will be honest though, the housework wasn't necessarily getting done then, because I was napping when my son napped. </p> <p>My husband took over some of the household chores, like the ironing (of his shirts) and we turned grocery shopping into a family activity on the weekends.</p> <p>One thing we did agree on, though, was that dinner time was my son's witching hour, so it might mean that he had to take over dinner duty if I hadn't had a chance to prepare something earlier in the day. We ate a lot of sandwiches and frozen pizza in those days. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061691 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 09:59:58 +0000 LittleFox 1061691@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I found that the "me time" part got a lot better as DS got older and on a consistent bed time. He sleeps by 7:30 now so I get a couple of hours of grownup time while still getting a reasonable bed time. </p> <p>As for DH "getting" it, him having hands on experience of watching DS alone while I worked on my husband's days off helped a lot. He really saw that being home all day is not a break after that. I also got to see his perspective more. Even before that, I had him do one night with me where he woke for every night waking to time the feed (DS nurses a lot at night). The next day he was a zombie, but he really understood how tired I was. Now he lets me sleep in some mornings while I handle most night wakings. I'm more alert at night, he's more of a morning person so it works.</p> <p>If you can give him the full experience one day, like having to watch your LO for several hours all by himself without mom on call, it might help him to see why you need a break. That might not be feasible if you breastfeed, though, at least for a while (unless you also pump). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061364 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 08:39:48 +0000 blackbird 1061364@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>honey, you need some balance! When i was on leave, I basically did thrust the baby at Dh every evening so I could get dinner made. We split some weekends....mostly, he took her in the mornings Sat/Sun so I could sleep in and catch up. That was our trade off...i got the weekends to sleep in, but he got good sleep during the week while he had to work. </p> <p>What if your game plan includes him taking E certain evenings of the week? Maybe one night of the week, you say, "ok this is your solo night, you can relax" so you have a schedule? We both were able to get some alone time but maybe if you hash out the schedule together, it will avoid some conflict? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061311 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 08:15:26 +0000 Anagram 1061311@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I should add on weekends, My husband always lets me go to the guest room and sleep (if I want, which I always do), and he does ALL her night wakeups, and I just have to wake up to pump and go back to bed. He also basically takes care of our baby all day on weekends because he really misses her during the week. If we could get some more night time sleep, we'd be doing great and I'd be totally happy with our division of labor.</p> <p>I just HATE hearing him complain about being tired and I feel like I'm getting even less sleep--but he thinks because I'm home all day I can nap when I want (ha! right!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061309 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 08:13:48 +0000 Anagram 1061309@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: My husband and I are struggling with the same thing right now. We've gotten in a bad cycle where neither of us is getting enough sleep and we end up blaming each other, when it's neither of our fault--it's just having a 7 week old who doensn't sleep!</p> <p>Anyway, I wouldn't say what we're doing right now is the best, but it's helping us get by (barely) for now. I'm with our baby all day--hardly ever get a nap, because she is a cat napper and sleeps very lightly with a lot of wakeups. As soon as DH gets home at 6:30-7:00, he basically has the baby all night because he misses her. I make dinner or do a little cleaning up.</p> <p>We give her a bath together every night, and then he puts her down to sleep. She always wakes up twice a night and I also have to pump twice a night (the root of why I'm not getting any night time sleep). She usually wakes at 1:30 and 4:30 or so. She is usually up after 4:30...this is a sleep issue we can't solve for now. She thinks that's morning. So I feed her, then wake him up at 5:00 am, and he takes care of her until he goes to work at 8--those 3 hours are pretty much the longest (sometimes feels like ONLY) stretch of sleep I get at night.</p> <p>Like I said. THis is not a perfect plan. I resent having to both do wakeups AND pump at night, which means I'm awake for at least 1 1/2 hours each time, which means I get no sleep in between our LO's wakings. But he resents having to wake up at 5 if he doesn't go to bed till 11:30 or 12:00 (whereas I feel like his going to bed time is his own fault--he should go to bed at 9 if he's tired..I don't have that choice as I have to keep to a pumping schedule and it doesn't make sense to go to bed if I'm supposed to pump in the next 45 minutes).</p> <p>Anyway....She's 7 weeks now and I'm just hoping and praying that she goes down to 1 night wakeup sometime soon because we are dying over here. =( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061262 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 07:49:19 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 1061262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had a short mat leave with #1, but our pattern was that I did the whole day, when Mr. Jacks came home he was on duty so I could make dinner and continued to care for baby until her bedtime. Then I did all the night waking (since I could nap with baby during the day)</p> <p>With our second child, I didn't take mat leave and he was a SAHD. We split the night wakings then since he had two kids at home and couldn't nap. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061203 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 07:20:46 +0000 heffalump 1061203@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When LO was a newborn one of his coworkers told him that I should be doing all of the night wakings because DH needs his rest because he works. I was livid. What am I doing all day long?! Luckily DH and I have the same opinions on this and he did every other night waking. Also when she was little he would take her for 1/2 hour to an hour when he got home from work. It was nice having that break. Now that she's a toddler and he can't just scoop her up and take her away I don't get that break anymore. But I do tell him, "it's your turn" when she gets up and runs to another room because I just want to sit for a second. I know he's tired and he's been working all day and he just wants to sit too.... but he sits in a cubicle all day while I'm 24 weeks pregnant chasing around a 2 year old. I win. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061200 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 07:20:12 +0000 mrs.cookie 1061200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: oh, it's so hard adjusting isn't it!? It does get way better though! Especially if your LO starts putting together some patches of sleep in the night. Everything seems better on more sleep!</p> <p>Your post has inspired me to do something about date night as well, it's so easy to feel resentful/unappreciated when you don't get quality time together. </p> <p>I have a great book called The Post Baby Conversation which helped me adjust after having our first. I realise reading is probably the last thing you feel like or have time for right now but it's worth looking at if/when you get a chance. The change in roles and the un evenness of it (if that makes sense) was hard for me to get used to. Still is some weeks! </p> <p>Hang in there. And may your baby be one of those magical STTN from 8 weeks babies (knock on wood, fingers crossed :) ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061182 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 07:09:55 +0000 Foodnerd81 1061182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: not our babies. No 8 week fussiness for them, I don't care what anyone says! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061125 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 05:53:59 +0000 loveisstrange 1061125@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: God yes. DH slept at night too and I wanted to murder him every night. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061122 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 05:48:39 +0000 Cherrybee 1061122@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kemma: Its amazing how relaxing doing the housework and cooking is once you've had a baby! I love getting the time to hoover and clean the toilet now!! </p> <p>@loveisstrange: I think this will be us - we will just fall into our new routine. Its so hard not to murder them in their sleep though, huh?! The sleeping husbands that is, not the babies!! </p> <p>@Dandelion: Yeah, my MIL is always available for me and my mum has been coming once a fortnight. The problem is, that makes me more stressed because I feel the need to clean before they come! That's my issue though!! I do think it might be time for a date evening though, if my MIL could have her for a few hrs. Just eating dinner together in peace one evening would really help i think. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061115 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 05:36:47 +0000 loveisstrange 1061115@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I really struggled with this for a long time. DH gets up at 5am and gets home from work at 5-6pm so he works long, stressful days. He also does mandatory workouts every morning. When he gets home from work, he just wants to sit and relax. Of course, I felt very like you. I had a screaming, colicky baby and I was at the end of my rope by the time he got home every night. We got into it quite a bit because we were both angry and frustrated. We also got into it a lot because he thought he was entitled to sleep in every single weekend. </p> <p>I, honestly, don't have much in the way of advice to offer. Eventually, things worked out as we settled into our new routines. He has gotten over his anger about his evenings and now he pretty much takes over at night and on the weekends. You do need to be open with him about it and tell him how you feel though. </p> <p>But I can totally empathize. The first 3 months are really, really hard. It gets better, I promise! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061113 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 05:34:37 +0000 Dandelion 1061113@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you have a parent or other family member that could be willing to come by one afternoon so you both get a break? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061111 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 05:32:24 +0000 Kemma 1061111@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>At the end of the day, just because one parent works out of the home doesn't excuse them from being a parent once they finish work for the day! And as much as Dad's are wonderful I just don't think they understand how emotionally draining it is to spend all day with a baby - and it's not something that's easy to communicate in words.</p> <p>In terms of what my DH and I do at home, he hangs out with LO from 5-6pm while I cook tea and then he has "free" time while I bath Miss A and put her to bed. Even though I'm not sitting down and relaxing it's nice to not have to worry about all the mischief that LO gets up to! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-one-of-you-works-and-one-sah#post-1061107 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 05:21:02 +0000 Cherrybee 1061107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: Until the 8 week awfulness Grizz mentioned!! No, Im staying positive! Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens....! </p>