https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 16 Apr 2026 15:44:04 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658533 Tue, 29 Nov 2016 10:47:42 +0000 MrsGeePerez 2658533@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is an interesting topic. My son is only 13 months so we have a while to go before he starts wondering about death. </p> <p>I'm not religious, but I grew up Christian and the theme of death was glossed over as much as possible when I was a kid. No one close to me died, and we did not focus on those extended family members/family friends that did pass away. It all seemed to be a big mysterious part of life that was very far away and would never really happen to any of us. </p> <p>At this point, after some very difficult losses, I think death is a huge part of life that's ignored in our culture. It's important to honor the impermanence of life to fully appreciate the beauty of the present (which is definitely not always beautiful). The Buddhist explanation of death makes the most sense to me.</p> <p>I think I'll tell my child that death is the end of a lifecycle, that it's natural for everyone and everything, and eventually even the sun and the stars will die, and that dying is important because it continues the cycle of life. It hurts to lose people that we love but we can't control their lifecycle. Parts of them live on in us, because experiences we've had with them become a part of us until we die, and we pass that plus a part of ourselves on to the people we love, and so on and so on.</p> <p>I think I'll tell him that things and people die every day and it's nothing to be afraid of. The chipmunk that died in the back yard is done being a chipmunk. His body will slowly disappear back into the earth and will become part of the soil that will help a tree to grow. The tulips that grow in the garden die every spring, but they come back again the next year, and again, and again. And although no one can ever really know, maybe people are like that too. We come back again and again, not the same exact people, not the same exact flower, but we are all part of the same cycle of life. Maybe making sure he understands the concept will help him if anyone close to us dies when he is older. </p> <p>But you know... based on how these last 13 months have gone, I'll probably have no idea what to say when we actually get to that point :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658519 Tue, 29 Nov 2016 09:52:48 +0000 littlebug 2658519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I took a death and dying course when getting my MSW. This was almost 20 years ago, so I don't remember much, but the biggest takeaway when talking to kids about death is to be honest and use concrete terms. Using phrases like "passed away" confuses children; it's best to just say he/she died. If you have religious beliefs, certainly work those into your explanation. If not, then just (as you already have) honestly explain that you don't know what happens. It sounds to me like you did a good job. Just be open and prepared for more questions, and be as honest and frank as you can without using vague or unclear language. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658487 Tue, 29 Nov 2016 08:59:59 +0000 looch 2658487@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think the challenging part is not when it is related to lifecycle...like how do you explain when someone dies of their injuries as the result of a car accident or a sports injury?</p> <p>It's a lot easier to talk about people getting old or sick and their body not working anymore, but how do you explain a sudden death? That is where I struggle because it's not logical, according to my son and his thinking at this age. Would love some insights. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658464 Tue, 29 Nov 2016 08:27:03 +0000 catlady 2658464@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're having trouble with this right now. DD is 3 and has been asking questions recently since my grandmother passed away last week and she figured it out from conversations between DH and me. She also sort of knows that my mom is gone, as well as all my other grandparents, and she will ask me about that sometimes too. She'll say "why is your mommy dead?" and it kills me. So far we tell her that they were very old (my mom wasn't actually old, but any adult is "old" to DD) and they lived a full life and now they aren't here anymore. When she says "why" again, I usually tell her that nobody knows why. I don't know what we will do when she finds out about heaven/hell but we don't mention them at home so that hasn't come up yet.</p> <p>Yesterday she was drawing little people and at some point she scribbled over one of them and then told me they were dead. That sort of freaked me out so I might ask her preschool about it. She never knew my grandparents or my mom so it's not like their deaths affected her directly. I have a sense that one of the other kids at preschool must have been talking about death recently as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658445 Tue, 29 Nov 2016 07:54:05 +0000 Silva 2658445@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The best advice I got about this was to try to treat it like any other topic and answer questions as honestly as you can. If you are honest with your kid about birth, for example, try to take the same approach when talking about death.</p> <p>things die when their body stops working. You will not die for a long time. Mommy and daddy keep you safe and make sure your body is healthy. Everything dies eventually. I do not know what happens to you when you die. Some people think x, y, z but I don't know if that is true. </p> <p>Our feelings about death make the topic uncomfortable for us and kids pick up on that so they try to figure it out. It's ok to tell them you don't know. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658401 Tue, 29 Nov 2016 03:05:35 +0000 lamariniere 2658401@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son was 3.5 when he started getting curious about death and dying. He asked about my mom out of the blue. She died nearly 10 years ago so he obviously never knew her. I told him that everyone and every living thing dies someday. I told him that no one knows exactly what happens after you die, that for a person, your body is still here but it doesn't work anymore. I talked about cremation and burial. I also did mention what some different religions believe, but I reiterated that no one actually knows. </p> <p>We have friends who lost their dog last year and they were gutted by it. I kind of used it as an opportunity to talk about how animals die and how our friends were very sad that their dog was dead, but that it was part of life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658365 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 22:37:14 +0000 Corduroy 2658365@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DD brought it up a few months ago at 3.5yo. I'm not sure where she got it but she seems to understand that it is permanent. She knows everyone dies eventually (including mom and baby brother). She also asked to call my grandparents that passed before she was born the other day with a mischievous look. I had to tell her we can't call dead people.</p> <p>She hasn't asked where we go yet but our family traditions include visiting a cemetery fairly regularly. So far I've only told her it's where we go to think about loved ones that have passed and feel close to them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658361 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 22:23:55 +0000 JennyD 2658361@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man. Yeah this turned into a death saga last year when our dog died. My daughter was 3-1/2. she asked where the dog went. I told her the dog died. Eventually she said "yes, I know, but where IS she?!?" At that point, not being religious, I figured I had two choices - burial or cremation.... The dog technically was cremated but I didn't like the possibility of that being repeated so I went with burial. I told her when you die you don't think anymore or sleep or eat or breathe, and your body gets buried in the ground. To which she replied "soooo, big kids get big holes and little kids get little holes?" </p> <p>It was a fun couple of weeks between daycare and her friends' parents... I just tried to answer her (numerous) questions as simply but as directly as possible. And I cried a lot because she asked some really insensitive things. But she needed answers. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-are-not-religious-whenhow-did-you-discuss-death#post-2658338 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 21:21:22 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2658338@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not sure where to put this...!</p> <p>I've been avoiding the death discussion for ages. My son is 4 and really had no clue about death. My dad's cat died so we had to have the discussion. Since my son was born in 2012 I have moved entirely away from religion. I actually was not religious as a young adult so you might say I returned to my previous agnostic perspective. I was raised culturally Christian so I have a hard time totally rejecting religion but I also don't want to expose my son to the idea of heaven/hell, because I remember as a child being terrified of the devil.</p> <p>I just told him that the cat lived a long time, as long as the dinosaurs, and that he had gotten very sick and had died and was not coming back. When he asked me where the cat had gone, I told him it was a mystery that people only really know when they pass. I didn't want to confirm or deny any option. I felt like I was as "truthful" as I knew how to be.</p> <p>My kid asked about death a few times over the weekend and my dad mentioned heaven, and my stepmother sort of shushed him one time. It saddens me that we as a culture cannot look at death with clear eyes. I mean, even if you believe in an afterlife, it is still a taboo subject. I think I will have to reopen the discussion with him sometime soon. </p>