https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 06 May 2026 14:47:19 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2849191 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 09:48:26 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2849191@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Becky: Absolutely agree with you there. If things are feeling imbalanced to you, then yes, it's unfair and should be addressed. Personal time can't come at the expense of the family and yes, there should be a limit everyone is comfortable with, and if you're not, then I totally see the disappointment. I'm sorry you have to deal with that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2849006 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:19:42 +0000 Becky 2849006@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: Totally not trying to threadjack btw! I should mention that he does take time for himself and has much more flexibility in his schedule to do so, goes on trips, goes out etc. I guess I just feel like there should be a limit: like I support taking time for yourself, but not if it means you don’t have time for your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848987 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 14:57:44 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2848987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Becky: I'm sorry if this sounds critical, but it sounds to me like there's a judgement there about your husband's priorities (unless he has explicitly said he just doesn't feel the need to spend as much time with the kids). And if that's the case, I do hear your concerns, but if you're making an assumption that for him, taking time for himself means he doesn't prioritize the kids as much, I think it's an unfair one and can lead down murky paths for you guys. I have a hard time taking time for myself because I worry that I'm not spending enough time with my kid after working 40 hours a week, but I am a better parent if I do take time for myself. I would hope that my husband, who has a similar schedule to mine, doesn't sit there and think that my daughter isn't important to me and that time for us as a family isn't important to me because I choose to do something for myself periodically. I find that I am much more depleted, crankier, grumpier, shorter, and disengaged if I don't take some time to be in my own element occasionally, and that's not a good thing for anyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848844 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 07:29:53 +0000 Becky 2848844@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I initially thought I was resentful, but realized I was disappointed. It is a huge struggle in our relationship, and I’m guessing in yours too, to not be on the same page. Like you, I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible because I work 42.5 hours a week, but my husband is fine going and doing stuff for himself and he works 60 hours a week. He doesn’t have the same priorities as me (and I do take me time to run in the morning but that’s Tops 30 minutes away from the kids), and that’s disappointing and really scary because I feel like you should have the same priorities in terms of family. I’m just saying all of this because maybe it’s disappointment or fear of what the future looks like, rather than resentment and those are totally different things to handle. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848829 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 05:32:52 +0000 hellobeeboston 2848829@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: Yeah, you need to get a night for you... I think if there was a trade off you wouldn’t feel the resentment. I often am the one that WANTS to be home, like you, but I make sure I get out.... usually to workout which I just ramped up doing about a year ago. Once a week (if we can, doesn’t always work) a few mom friends and I do a local $8 Barre class. Then we often go to the bar after. :)</p> <p>We both WOH, and I do morning routine and get in a little later. DH gets home earlier... one day a week we trade so he does morning routine and gets in late, but I get in early and get home to get kids... I love having one day off from the crazy morning hustle, even though sometimes I stick around the whole morning because I like to hang with the kids, he does the dressing, breakfast and lunch packing. </p> <p>Definitely carve some time out for yourself to do anything! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848808 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 21:41:06 +0000 Mrsbells 2848808@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: Seeing a movie every week is kind of a lot. I think to be fair you guys should get to alternate that every other week. So one Monday he watches his movie and then the next Monday you go do something you want and he watches the kids </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848671 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 12:17:37 +0000 Mrs. Pajamas 2848671@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: Totally understand how you feel and I only recently made strives towards taking "me" time and it is life changing. DH is an extrovert and really craves a lot of social time while I prefer to stay home in my jammies and watch trashy TV and drink wine after the kids go to bed. He has a standing social engagement once/week (has had it for years) and I always resented it but figured, well I don't need that so whatever, at least I get to be alone when he's out after I put the kids to bed. My solution is awesome though--on Saturday mornings I get a few hours to sleep in or do whatever I want pretty much until lunch time. That alone time is heaven for an introvert like me! Granted DD2 is not weaned so DH will change her, bring her to me to nurse then take both girls back upstairs and deal with breakfast and then get them out of the house while I'm blissfully alone. I also agree with @JennyPenny's suggestion about leaving some chores for DH to do when he gets home. That is another thing I started doing recently after going back to work. If he's out (like last night) I leave him dinner dishes and text him a note of other things that need to be done when he gets home so I can go to bed and not worry that I'll wake up to a dirty kitchen/chores not done. I hate that I have to make him a list but not having to do it myself is waaay better and worth it. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848637 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 10:10:10 +0000 JennyPenny 2848637@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband takes more "me time" than I do and I have dealt with resentment for a while. But what I think I've realized about myself is I don't mind his being gone if he is fully present and helpful when he's there. And for most of our time as parents that hasn't been the case. He would be constantly distracted by his phone or trying to catch some rest because he was out too late the night before. Things have gotten better since I pointed out that that was not okay with me and he could do one or the other but not both. Like, "sure you can go bowling tonight, but I still expect you up and helping the next morning with breakfast and I will not let you sleep in even if you got home late." Not sure if that is a "fair" approach but it helped me be less resentful.</p> <p>ETA: @CatchAFallingStar: So maybe in your case when he's gone, you do dinner and bedtime but he has to do laundry and dishes when he gets back? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848635 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 10:07:41 +0000 looch 2848635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have realized how important it is to take a break and recharge. I hate the expression, but it has proved true!</p> <p>The thing that I struggle with is that my husband travels a lot and gets ample alone/fun time while he is traveling and meanwhile, I am home doing all the family labor. So I am just clear about what I do for myself when he's home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848633 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 09:58:21 +0000 MrsADS 2848633@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I are going to try to get back into taking "me" time. I think (for us) the key to balancing resentment is to make it as easy as possible for the other person. Right now, it is really hard for me (or him) to do solo bedtime with both kids. So if he was gone all evening until (or after) bedtime, that's not going to work and I would be upset. But he knows that and he's not going to do it, so we're on the same page. </p> <p>He is going to restart singing in a community choir that's one night a week - he will go after we put the 3yo to bed and arrive a little late for rehearsals, but that's how we're making it work. He also goes probably once a month to play trivia with his friends, again after kids bedtime. I am going to start in a few weeks taking a skating class on Saturday mornings for an hour. I think it will be good for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848629 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 09:42:06 +0000 SweetiePie 2848629@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely not fair to be resentful. Normal, maybe. Especially after a hard day. But if you didn’t tell him “hey today was really really hard and I need you here”, you can’t be mad. And if you said that to him and he said too bad, I’m going anyway, THEN you could be mad/resentful. Becuase if he goes every week and he can’t skip one week for you, that’s wrong. </p> <p>Honestly, I’m all for both of us taking time for ourselves. If DH had a weekly standing thing I would be happy for him. Same for me. We don’t have standing things but we certainly both do things for ourselves several times a week. Sometimes DH says he’d like to watch a game at a bar. Sometimes I go get a mani/pedi or dinner with a friend.<br /> We def both take at least 1 kid-free trip a year. Usually one together and we each do at least one with friends. Actually DH is going to Vegas later this month. I’m planning a girls spa weekend in December.<br /> It’s not easy and sure, I feel some guilt. But I feel happier and refreshed and I’m a better wife and mom after those trips. It’s good to miss and be missed! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848605 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 08:33:55 +0000 snowjewelz 2848605@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: @periwinklebee: 100% e too. My hobby is to cross off my never ending to do list. Like if someone gave me a day off, no strings attached, I would just clean and organize my house top to bottom and it would actually make me happy lol. </p> <p>@CatchAFallingStar: Once DD2 weans, while I don't really have hobbies or like going out/socializing, I think what I'm gonna push myself to do is to exercise! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848569 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 06:55:41 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2848569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with others, I don't think it is fair to be resentful if you're making an intentional choice not to take time for yourself, but I also think you should push yourself to do it. Ironically, I have the opposite problem. I really value alone time, but I feel awfully guilty about it because my husband really doesn't do much for himself. It's mostly because he doesn't really know what he would do - he's not big on just alone time, like I am, but his circle of friends is mostly childless guys that are into drinking and partying and that's not his scene. He really encourages me to take more time for myself because he knows I love it, but I feel guilty because I feel like it's unequal since he doesn't get his own time the way I would. We just had a long conversation about this and I told him that I felt that way so he's thinking about what he might do for himself so that it's a little more balanced, but I also realized that I can't wait on him to decide and I need to work past my guilt about it and just do what works for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848568 Tue, 02 Oct 2018 06:49:37 +0000 cake2017 2848568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you have to make time for yourself that isn’t associated with work or kids. Sounds like DH does a good job doing that- every Monday movie night is a lot to me but if you’re fine with it then it works! Make time for you- mani/ pedi, lunch with a sister friend etc... you can’t be around your kids all the time- self care is important and good for you and the marriage! Talk it over with your DH and see how you can make it work.... definitely make time for you and don’t be resentful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848539 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 21:22:17 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2848539@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also wanted to add that I think it’s super important for both partners to be alone/solo parent the kids semi-regularly. It builds confidence so it’s not a big deal to be able to leave bedtime, etc to either parent. You feel things are going to be handled, the kids know both parents equally share duties, and the partner knows they can do it. I know my one girlfriend always feels the kids are going to be demons when she’s out and feels guilty for staying and enjoying herself because her DH complains/guilts her for going. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848536 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 20:56:40 +0000 Mama Bird 2848536@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: I think you've hit the nail on the head. There's a world of difference between being expected not to be home, and having to justify it every time. </p> <p>I choose not to take a lot of me time, and DH has no problem with me staying out late if it's a work thing. But if, once or twice a year, I want to do something optional... OMG. He never runs out of "reasons" why it's not a good idea/not a good time/will not work. I've never pulled that on him, even if he went off to do something I think is silly on a few hours' notice. I'm starting to think I just need a standing date to be out of the house alone, just to create the expectation that I've got plans and they're not up for re-evaluation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848532 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 20:41:10 +0000 periwinklebee 2848532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: This is spot on. And definitely describes myself... </p> <p>@CatchAFallingStar: I think this is super normal. Can you try doing something small, like a relaxing bath after the kids are in bed?I find even tiny doses of me time help restore my sanity... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848528 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 20:24:59 +0000 Hypatia 2848528@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think if he is going to make that happen every single week, it’s pretty much required that you do something scheduled once a week, too. You can tell yourself it’s fine and you shouldn’t resent him for it (which like you said, you shouldn’t) but emotionally you’ll still feel burnt out from solo parenting and that will make it hard to cope long term. </p> <p>I think it has to be scheduled like your DH has done because otherwise, it will be almost the same situation—you go out occasionally but don’t have the mental energy to plan things and get the okay from him, etc. Soni would choose a day and time (Thursdays from 5 - 9 or whatever) and have him expect you not to be home. If you are, great, but that’s not the default. And then try to plan out a month’s worth of activities at a time. You don’t need to go out with friends if you don’t want to. It’s perfectly fine to see a movie by yourself one week, browse a street market alone the next, drive to the local biggest city to see a museum the next, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848512 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 19:31:06 +0000 Jennibenni 2848512@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don’t think your kids will ever look back and say “gee, Dad was never there on Monday nights.” But I bet your husband gets a lot out of that time. I would try to find a specific activity you can take some time fo yourself for. Maybe getting a pedicure once a week, or a regular massage, or the gym. (This is advice I’m working on myself haha.) but you will feel great and I guarantee you when you get home from your own thing you will be so glad you did it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848496 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 18:32:31 +0000 Aria 2848496@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I understand feeling resentful, because doing all that alone is hard, but no, it’s not fair. My husband is like you. He works a lot and chooses not to take time to do things by himself because he wants to spend time with our daughter. But if he ever wanted it I’d make sure it happened. In contrast, I have orchestra rehearsal every week for 3 hours and he does bedtime solo on those nights. It’s very important to me and he knows that so we make it work. If he ever told me that he was resentful about it or asked me to stop we’d have a big problem. All that to say, take some time for yourself! I always come home from rehearsal feeling like a better parent because I got a break. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848495 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 18:28:47 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2848495@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: This idea has been true for us also... that when we need time for things and speak up, we each are willing to figure it out! But smaller projects generally, not usually many hours per week, just because of some of the other things going on in life this past year. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848478 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 17:30:04 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2848478@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally agree with @ IRunForFun. I think women tend to put themselves last automatically so there’s a tendency to fill free time by crossing things off the ‘to do’ list rather than enjoying your time. </p> <p>So, if there is resentment building over the choice you’ve made, you should try ‘thinking like a man’ so to say. I doubt your hubby gives much thought about his me time not contributing to the running of the household. If he was saying you couldn’t or not being receptive to your needs, that’s different but I don’t think that’s the issue? Treat yo self OP! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848476 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 17:28:26 +0000 Foodnerd81 2848476@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I understand feeling resentful, but it’s also probably not fair. I get it though- when I still needed to be home to breastfeed at night (which between my two kids was almost 4 years total) it felt like I couldn’t make plans and go out or I’d be going out really late or having to rush home. </p> <p>Once a week is kind of a lot. What if you traded off mondays- one week he does his thing, the next week yougo our with friends or go to Starbucks and just read, or do fun shopping (not groceries) or something? Then he would get some alone time with the kids too, and you could still get home for bedtime for the baby as needed. </p> <p>I’ve definitely forced myself to get better about having me time. DH golfs and it’s his stress reliever and he’s also meeting more people in our area, which is good for him. But it takes a long time and it’s expensive. So while I encourage him to do it within reason, when he complains about something I get pissed. Like, looks, we are paying a lot for golf and you were gone all day and it’s fine, but don’t you dare come home and complain about having a bad round. </p> <p>It honestly has gotten so much easier after my younger one weaned too. So that’s a little light at the end of the tunnel. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848472 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 17:14:19 +0000 kiddosc 2848472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, I used to be this way. DH has hobbies that he devotes time to every week and I was resentful because I thought I didn’t really have the ability to take that time for myself. But then I signed up for a half marathon and really needed several hours to myself each week for training runs. I didn’t really ask DH, I just did it and he picked up the slack. I was much happier having time to myself and much less resentful. I really don’t think you’re being fair to your DH or to yourself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848469 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 17:06:37 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2848469@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: not resentful, but I can see being a little disappointed that he doesn't make the same choices you do, sacrificing his "freedom" of his own accord. With all the things on our plates I feel like once a week is kind of a lot for every single week, but that's us! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848459 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 16:40:29 +0000 IRunForFun 2848459@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's only fair to be resentful if you not having me time isn't a choice that you're making/he's telling you that you can't take time for yourself or is refusing to make it happen for you. I also don't think it's necessarily fair to be resentful if you haven't had a discussion about how you feel about him taking that time. </p> <p>If there are opportunities for you to take some time for yourself and you're deciding not to for any number of reasons - you said not having enough time with your kids due to work is a reason - then I don't think it's fair to be resentful. It's a choice for you to spend time with them vs time alone, just like it's a choice for him to go out one night a week vs be with his family that night. Both choices are valid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848456 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 16:31:56 +0000 snowjewelz 2848456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Girl me me me! I'll totally commiserate over here. DH essentially works for himself so he goes fishing prob at least once a month (but he does goes months without going at all) BUT the point is he is able to take time to do stuff for himself, as needed. Where as I work full time, so I'd be dipping into my PTO if I took a day for myself, which I don't really b/c all my PTO is reserved for family and sick days for the girls. </p> <p>I'm the only one that can put both girls to sleep at once b/c DD2 isn't fully weaned yet. I feel guilty doing something on the weekends since I already WOH FT, I treasure whatever time I can get with the girls. Plus, DH technically works on weekends so I'm not all that open. </p> <p>I get really "mad" when he complains because I'm like really, REALLY?! :silly: The solution really is to put my foot down and ask for some me time too, but like you, I don't even know what to do with myself and in this season I feel too guilty! I am totally fine with DH getting a break and not me, AS LONG AS he doesn't complain. Once he complains, it's over, haha! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-dont-take-me-time-but-your-partner-does#post-2848451 Mon, 01 Oct 2018 16:08:48 +0000 CatchAFallingStar 2848451@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is it fair to be resentful? </p> <p>My DH goes to a movie with his friend after work almost every Monday. He doesn’t get home until bed time. He also goes on a once a year boys trip with his brother and friends. These things relax him and probably take a little stress away. </p> <p>It’s totslly my choice, but I don’t do anything really without my kids. I work as a wedding photographer, so if I’m gone it’s because I’m shooting a wedding or at Starbucks editing. My only other outings are to Target and other necessity shopping. I sometimes go out for fun with my mom, but the girls are always with us. </p> <p>I know I can’t complain because I’m making the choice not to spend time with friends. But, I feel like I don’t have time to. I have tons of work to do and I’m already away from the girls too much with work. </p> <p>Anyway, I feel a little resentful after a really long, difficult Monday that my DH is going to a movie and I’ll be doing a photo session and dealing with dinner, laundry, dishes and getting them ready for bed with zero help. </p> <p>Vent over. :happy: </p>