https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 28 Apr 2026 18:43:46 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681871 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 22:53:36 +0000 Mama Bird 2681871@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe it's one of those relationships where they just don't have secrets from each other and they finish each other's sentences. Still, it's awful of your husband to criticize you now of all times, and it sounds like he's crossed some major lines with what he said. I hope his brother told him he's being a jerk. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681837 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 21:29:45 +0000 Truth Bombs 2681837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Since you've clarified that it's not things like "uh why do I always pack the diaper bag and get the kids ready??" But actually attacking you I would be extremely upset. Furious. Betrayed. Untrusting. I can't imagine all the things I would feel. The fact that your husband not only did this, but then joked about it and didn't immediately apologize, would be a really big deal for me. Even worse that his has apparently happened before snow you told your husband how hurtful it was and he somehow didn't agree with that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681818 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 21:06:05 +0000 Mrs. Blue 2681818@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Purpledaisy: parenting isn't easy in the first place and adding another kid, having sleep deprivation, dealing with the ever-fluctuating post-partum hormones the first year or so, working, trying to make sure everyone's needs are met right now is no joke. It's a really challenging time and I think as mom's especially, we are so hard on ourselves. My point is it's so, so normal for you to sensitive right now, especially when it comes to something that sounds like<br /> It was over the line. I really hope you guys can talk more and he can understand that it was kind of like kicking you when you were already down. </p> <p>And last but not least, please give yourself a lot of grace right now! You have managed to keep everyone alive and by gosh, that's a win in my book. This is such a hard stage, but this too shall pass! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681758 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 19:42:37 +0000 winter_wonder 2681758@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This would make me incredibly angry and honestly hurt my feelings. I would definitely bring it up with DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681748 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 19:22:56 +0000 gotkimchi 2681748@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Purpledaisy: husbands are dicks sometimes :( I felt like this a lot after our second - it seemed harder on our marriage and felt like I was supposed to do everything. We're working through it but you're not alone </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681739 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 19:04:36 +0000 Boogs 2681739@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Purpledaisy: This is no fun, I'm so sorry. Don't let it fester, tell him how you feel and expectations for you both in your venting going forward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681729 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 18:48:45 +0000 Purpledaisy 2681729@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you everyone for responding. It is just nice to hear that I am justified in being hurt and upset. </p> <p>I think that I am a little more sensitive because I have been having a hard time lately. Mainly with adjusting to having baby #2 and juggling motherhood, work, and school and feeling like I am failing at everything. DH's words definitely did not help me to feel better about any of that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681724 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 18:44:30 +0000 Purpledaisy 2681724@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I should have added in my original post that I have already brought it up with him. I saw it this morning when I was feeding the baby before I headed out to work. So he does know. So far he has made light of the situation and doesn't think that it should be a big deal.</p> <p>@Peasinapod: I should have clarified that I asked him if I could use his phone and he said yes. The baby will only nurse well when we are alone in his room so it gets a little dull staring at the wall... I mean, I didn't ask if I could read his messages, but he knew that they were there...</p> <p>@gingerbebe: I am totally fine with light griping, no biggie, but this was more and it was pretty mean stuff. It does make it worse because it was his brother. I know that he is his best friend but he is also family. I do not want his brother having a negative opinion of me. Like you said, his brother is someone that is going to be in my life forever, he's not just some random friend. </p> <p>@Foodnerd81: I am mad at myself for even reading it. It is so true that you cannot unread stuff... </p> <p>@Mrs. Blue: I am totally ok with venting. I vent all the time. But this was harsher and much more attacking who I am. I vent about him to my friends for sure. But it is stuff like you said, "why doesn't he ever get up during the night" "why do I always have to do the laundry" type of stuff. </p> <p>@T.H.O.U.: This was more than just venting and calling me out on things that are true. If it was that, I would not be as hurt, I know that I have my faults and things that I need to work on. This was stuff that was deeper than that. </p> <p>@youboots: I agree that it does undermine our relationship. I have explained that to my DH (this time and in the past) and he does not agree. </p> <p>@Boogs: I definitely vent. That is a good point about having lines that we try not to cross. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681693 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 17:57:21 +0000 Boogs 2681693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Such a tricky situation, you technically snooped so he might also be upset about that, but I would have a hard time not feeling hurt reading those types of things about myself. </p> <p>Do you also vent about it? If you don't, maybe try to have a calm and honest conversation about why you don't. Or if you do, maybe make the conversation about lines you try not to cross. </p> <p>No matter what, I'm really sorry, this is never an easy situation to be in. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681663 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:54:13 +0000 youboots 2681663@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: we have a similar rule. Little normal gripes-fine. But no damaging/really hurtful stuff.</p> <p>I'd be pretty shaken up. DHs gets all texts on his iPad so I have access if I wanted to look.</p> <p>My issue is that it undermines your relationship- what's said can't be unsaid. People don't forget mean words/gossip. That's why I see a therapist- it's her job to listen/help me. I don't think I could move past it without hashing it out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681659 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:52:02 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2681659@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My rule of thumb is "would you say this to someones face". Not that you actually have to, but if they found out about the conversation, could you come clean and be honest about what you said. </p> <p>So, was this just venting and things that you know deep down are probably true? And it hurts because you know its true and he's calling out your fault? </p> <p>Or was it something that was actually hurtful and harmful and more along the lines of gossip. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681651 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:46:32 +0000 Mrs. Blue 2681651@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess it depends on how harsh it was how I would respond. I would probably be a little hurt regardless, but if it was really terrible stuff he was saying, I would need to talk to him and clear the air. </p> <p>My rule for myself is that I can do normal talk-to-my-friends kind of venting--i.e., why am I always the one to get up at night??, DH wants to be intimate more often than I do, etc., kind of stuff, but if I feel like it's about his character or something that he did or said that was deeply hurtful, I don't tell my family and friends that kind of stuff because I know it will be harder for them to forgive than for me. And I would want him to honor that same rule. I think it's okay to "vent," but if it was something really awful about who you are as a person, or something that he knows would be extremely hurtful to you than I would probably talk to him when you can do it calmly. </p> <p>And, also, I'm sorry. It never feels good to see something like that regardless of the circumstances. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681639 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:36:18 +0000 Foodnerd81 2681639@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Same as @psw27: I would be upset, but also recognize that I complain plenty about him to my friends. I'd be mad at myself for reading it, really, because you can't unread it now. I would bring it up but admit you shouldn't have snooping in the first place. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681632 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:32:18 +0000 kiddosc 2681632@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm guilty of doing this. DH has seen texts I've sent to my best friend when I'm venting after an argument and he was very upset. I'm sure that I would be too. I don't really know what the right answer is. I know I would be upset if I saw something like that, but also know everyone needs to vent. I think venting to someone who actually knows my DH well, my friend, is better because she really knows him and knows that I'm probably exaggerating my feelings a little. It has led to some good conversations about how we can better voice our frustrations with each other though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681631 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:31:38 +0000 travellingbee 2681631@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes I would be extremely hurt. I would understand if he needs to talk to someone other than me about stress in our marriage but to text mean things about me?? No. That would not be OK at ALL. I would definitely have a conversation about that and I'm sure it would involve tears. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681624 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:28:15 +0000 gingerbebe 2681624@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah I'd be really pissed off about that. A little light griping, sure, fine. Talking hot garbage about me to someone else? Not okay.</p> <p>But DH is sensitive to bad-mouthing himself so when we got married we created a rule where we wouldn't talk trash about each other to other people - like harsh mean things. Sure I whine about my husband sometimes or I ask a close friend for advice or something, but we don't bash each other outside our marriage. </p> <p>If I were in your shoes, I would probably find a calm moment and tell my husband that I found the text messages and that I'm super pissed and hurt by them, but more importantly I would like to work on ways that we can communicate better so that he doesn't feel the need to go bashing me to other people. Especially his brother, since he's family and I will have to see him for the rest of my life and I don't want to face him thinking he has all these negative opinions about me or that he's telling the rest of my in-laws that I'm a bucket of bonkers. </p> <p>If its my husband, he would apologize and appreciate that instead of like breaking his phone I'm trying to find a more productive outcome to this garbage situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681621 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:26:33 +0000 Peasinapod 2681621@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Purpledaisy: would he be angry you were on his phone? My husband and and I are pretty okay with eachother using each others phones so if I saw something like that I would definitely talk to him about it. From the stance of: if you're unhappy please talk to me about it so we can work on things... </p> <p>But if he'd be angry you saw it at all I'm not sure how I'd approach it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681619 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:25:02 +0000 psw27 2681619@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be upset... but I also know that I vent to my mom/girlfriends too so I would be a complete hypocrite if I complained too much. I guess I would just try to talk it out with DH, but I would be upset. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-saw-that-your-so-text-someone-some-not-so-nice-things-about-you#post-2681616 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:21:30 +0000 Purpledaisy 2681616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How would you feel? </p> <p>I know that I shouldn't snoop....but my phone was charging and I was nursing the baby so I was scrolling through DH's for something to do.</p> <p>I saw some pretty harsh things that he text his brother about me. I can't help but to be a little hurt about it. We have been going through some tougher times because of adjusting to having a second child (that is very needy and does not sleep well). </p> <p>I know that everyone has the right to vent, but geez! Some of the things that he said were just pretty harsh and I'm having a hard time not being a little upset. </p>