https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 04 Apr 2026 20:13:44 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so/page/2#post-754357 Wed, 01 May 2013 10:36:38 +0000 ShootingStar 754357@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's funny, I don't believe love is a choice at all. If you've ever tried to stop loving someone, it's not an easy feat. And I'd imagine trying to do the opposite wouldn't be much easier. I do however believe that relationships are a choice that take work and nurturing. </p> <p>If I was to stop loving DH and went through everything I could to try to revive my feelings for him and couldn't, I would leave. (As a side note, I can't even imagine this happening unless he does something awful.) I want to model a happy, loving relationship for my children and I feel like going through the motions isn't good or fair to anyone. Also, if DH irrevocably fell out of love with me, I'd leave him as well. I have high needs for needing to feel loved, and I'd probably hate him for not loving me when I still loved him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so/page/2#post-754334 Wed, 01 May 2013 10:31:35 +0000 Modern Daisy 754334@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've realized the hard way in prior relationships that I didn't actually love the person I was dating and the relationship always sort of fizzled out shortly after I came to that realization. I can't imagine staying with someone who I didn't love, whether we had a child together or not. </p> <p>And I know this sounds all hearts and flowers and eye-roll worthy, but I can truly say I love my DH more and more every day and it's an all-encompassing deep love that I've never experienced before. So if we ever break up, it won't be because we fell out of love. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so/page/2#post-754280 Wed, 01 May 2013 10:12:17 +0000 Mrs. Pen 754280@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NovBaby1112: I wrestle with it as well. DH and I actually talked about it last night because we were defintiely raised with the ideaology that "divorce is NOT an option. It's not in our vocabulary." both of our parents said that ins a huge reason they're together - my parents have been together 28 years and his about 32 I think... So that's somewhat ingrained in me... however I also agree that being ina loveless/unhappy marriage for the one life you have to live sounds so miserable. So I do agree we'd do counseling and try to find out what is going on - but I personally feel so conflicted on what I would do. DH said he would never ever leave me or let me leave even if I didn't love him anymore. He said he vowed to be with me forever and he doesn't take that lightly.<br /> So yeah... I'm definitely not sure! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so/page/2#post-754195 Wed, 01 May 2013 09:38:01 +0000 Cherrybee 754195@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think if I simply "fell out of love" with DH, I'd do my best to get to the root cause of the issue and make it work. We've been through rough patches and have come out stronger so I fully believe that a marriage in all about ups and downs. </p> <p>If, however, I "fell out of love" because of his behaviour - neglect, complacency perhaps - I would need to see that he was making an effort to address these problems and if he refused to meet me half way I would consider leaving. </p> <p>Of course, if there was abuse - physical or emotional - I'd be gone in a heartbeat. Been there, done that - never again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so/page/2#post-754189 Wed, 01 May 2013 09:34:53 +0000 looch 754189@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a different view on things, largely because this idea of romantic love leading to marriage is relatively new in the grand scheme of humans. </p> <p>I love my husband, I love my son, I love my parents. My husband and I are married because we wanted the legal benefits that come to married spouses, primarily in order to protect the family unit in the event of a tragedy. I also know that feelings change as you get older, and as people go through their lives, they aren't often the same as they were a number of years ago, and that's okay. There's no reason to apologize for the fact that who I would have chosen to marry at 22 is different than who I ultimately chose at 32. I also feel life is too short to be unhappy so if you feel like you are happier alone than in the company of another person, you should do that. </p> <p>I also don't subscribe to the religious aspect of marriage. To me, it's a civil act. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so/page/2#post-754183 Wed, 01 May 2013 09:32:42 +0000 Foodnerd81 754183@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If we just weren't madly in love with each other, but still like each other and are a good partnership, I'd work on it and try counseling or whatever it took, but wouldn't leave. </p> <p>If we truly stopped liking each other and made each other actively unhappy, I'd definitely try counseling still, and I'd really really want to stick out and work through it, but not at the expense of the kids. I can't imagine us ever going through something we couldn't work out though. </p> <p>Abuse, emotional or physical, and especially when it affects the kids, is a different story. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so/page/2#post-754181 Wed, 01 May 2013 09:31:34 +0000 .twist. 754181@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: Agreed! </p> <p>I would definitely be open to counselling but in the end, if I'm still not happy, I would leave. </p> <p>However, I reeeeeeally can't imagine not loving him!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-754160 Wed, 01 May 2013 09:20:34 +0000 Dandelion 754160@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I left my ex husband cause we didn't love each other.</p> <p>DH and I are pretty solid, though. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-754123 Wed, 01 May 2013 08:56:24 +0000 NovBaby1112 754123@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>hmmm this is tough. on one hand, we took vows and pledged to stay together forever through better or worse, but on the other hand, i would never want to be in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life. i think life is too short to be unhappy and miserable, trying to fix a relationship that is obviously too far gone and over. i would definitely work through all counseling and give it our all, but at the end of the day if i was no longer in love with the man i once married then yes, i would leave, but not without tons of talking, help, and therapy together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-754079 Wed, 01 May 2013 08:36:44 +0000 MrsKoala 754079@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As many PPs have said, I believe love is an action and that we choose every morning to love our partners. So in my mind, there is no falling in or out of love. We love when we act lovingly... </p> <p>That being said, I wouldn't leave my DH unless he was cheating or abusing me physically or emotionally. If the love seemed to stop, we would also go to counseling and find a way to begin to love again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-754053 Wed, 01 May 2013 08:23:29 +0000 winniebee 754053@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Running Elley: Exactly what you said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-754047 Wed, 01 May 2013 08:18:13 +0000 Ra 754047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would try to work through it to the best of my ability but would not force myself to stay if I was TRULY unhappy. My parents divorced when I was two. My dad was a drug addict and my mom did everything in her power to help him and make it work. Unfortunately, by the time he got help it was too late. She didn't love him more and had nothing left to give.</p> <p>I never once felt animosity towards my parents or felt like I was missing out. My mom never let her feelings towards my father affect me. I saw him whenever I wanted. She then met my step dad and married him. They have been blissfully happy for the past 28 years! I am grateful I grew up in a home with my mom and step dad that was stable and loving. I much prefer how I grew up than the thought of growing up in home full of anger and resentment. I just got my love from two houses.</p> <p>I totally disagree that divorce always has ill effects on the children long term. I think it all depends on the way the divorce is handled. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-754003 Wed, 01 May 2013 07:38:59 +0000 mediagirl 754003@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can't imagine falling out of love with him. We've been through some tough times together and I'm sure we will be through tougher ones. I have to always remember to remind myself to look for the things I love about him when we are struggling. I wouldn't leave him if I felt we weren't in love anymore. We would go to counseling. We've done it before, we could do it again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-754001 Wed, 01 May 2013 07:37:18 +0000 kjpugs 754001@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've been in love with DH for years, so if I fell out of love, I'd try to work on it with him and in therapy. If I could fall OUT of love, I could certainly fall back in love, but we'd probably both have to address the issues causing the change. I would hope if DH stopped loving me he'd talk to me about why he "wasn't feeling it" and try to fix what was broken! Certainly if he wasn't open to changing or working or growing or whatever needed to be done, and didn't seem to care, then that might lead to leaving. But I think first step is always working on it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753980 Wed, 01 May 2013 07:25:18 +0000 Grace 753980@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Running Elley: Agree!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753951 Wed, 01 May 2013 07:01:21 +0000 MrsTiz 753951@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there is a really huge difference between "we're having a rough patch, i'm not happy anymore " and "I do not love you anymore."</p> <p>You can change unhappiness, but if you flat out don't love someone I think it's pointless to stay. </p> <p>If I truly fell out of love with DH I would leave. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753918 Wed, 01 May 2013 06:19:06 +0000 SugarplumsMom 753918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH has good perspective. He believes that you can be really mad at someone and it doesn't affect the status of the relationship. I, on the other hand, can be short sighted and jump too quickly to conclusions when I'm mad. Thank goodness I have half the sense to *not* actually make drastic decisions when I'm angry, or we'd be in trouble! I need to learn from him. </p> <p>With that said, if we fell out of love, I know that we'd try to do all we can before leaving (counseling, etc). To be honest, I don't think DH would ever stop loving me. Or I should say that I'm not stupid enough to do anything that would make him stop. But it's not in his nature -that's why I picked him :)</p> <p>As for the ex. He lied and cheated. He didn't know how to be a husband; he didn't know how to be in a relationship! He didn't believe in compromise (his words) and in the end, turns out he didn't know himself because if he did, he wouldn't have made a complete and total turnaround just because he accomplished a goal. Regardless, I tried to make it work, but it takes two. He left me, I filed for divorce. I thank my lucky stars I went through that when I did (no baby) and I don't ever have to deal with him! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753904 Wed, 01 May 2013 05:45:24 +0000 lomom 753904@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's a conscious decision to love your spouse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753844 Wed, 01 May 2013 00:11:09 +0000 birdofafeather 753844@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Running Elley: I agree. Love is definitely a choice! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753795 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:57:56 +0000 runsyellowlites 753795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Pen: Oh... I know you didn't say. I mean generally when someone whose parents stayed together says that. I was already a teen when my parents divorced, but I'm speaking from what I've dealt with with G &amp; numerous other children his age who are from homes where the parents are divorced, most just because they weren't happy.</p> <p>I think when we're older its easier to "shake it off" &amp; be more accepting if it. Young children don't understand though &amp; their emotional turmoil seems to go on much longer &amp; have more affect on them as adults. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753792 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:53:21 +0000 Mrs. Pen 753792@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@runsyellowlites: I never said that it would be better. I said that there have been people (adults) I've encountered that have said they had wished their parents would have just separated instead of remaining together for them (the kids). I don't know either way, and no one would know what the effects would be for them personally without going through it. Unfortunately you had a really difficult experience and I'm so sorry for that! But I do think that not *all* divorces have sad endings. </p> <p>My mom, for instance, is RELIEVED that her mom left her biological dad when she did and that she didn't have to go her whole life with him as her "father". To this day, I have never even met my "real grandpa". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753789 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:50:09 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 753789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think we'd do counselling and everything we could to stay together. </p> <p>FWIW my parents got divorced and I used to wish before they ever did that they would. They didn't fight but I knew they didn't love each other. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753785 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:47:37 +0000 Anagram 753785@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This one is hard. We're still newlyweds, so I just can't imagine not loving my husband. And both of us grew up with parents in happy marriages, and we didn't get married till we were older, and we have college degrees. I also like to think I did a really good job choosing a husband, which is why I was a bit older. Statistically (on paper), we're good to go.</p> <p>But I've been around long enough to know that you just never know.</p> <p>The info on divorce is good though. My parents had a (sometimes, I think unnaturally) super amazing marriage. And I think that gave me weird expectations about relationships in a way, too. For example...in my entire life growing up, I never saw my parents argue with each other, or even disagree with each other, or even really snap at each other. At US (the kids), sure--but not with each other.</p> <p>So it's been interesting as an adult to realize that it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed if you disagree with your spouse, and even occasionally have heated words. You can still love each other through that.</p> <p>For sure, marriage is a type of work... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753778 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:44:14 +0000 runsyellowlites 753778@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Pen: I think that is something that a child from an intact home can't really imagine or fully understand what it would've been like to have their parents, relationship with their parents, and time with their parents separated. Most all children I know with parents separated, especially when they already "know" the parent (not infant/toddler age), have some major emotional ramifications of acting out, trouble sleeping, and issues with authority in some form or fashion, and these are just the issues when they're growing up, not when they're grown dealing with their own relationships. Unless you've gone to bed missing your "other parent" I don't think you can say that it would've been better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753773 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:39:52 +0000 Mrs. Pen 753773@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@78h2o: aww I'm really sorry about your situation and I do hope things work out for the best!!</p> <p>@babyjmama: @runsyellowlites: that's interesting because I've heard it said from the children of parents that stayed together "for the kids" that the kids felt guilty impeding on their parents happiness, that they were the reason they weren't happy/wouldn't get a divorce. And that in those cases they had just wished their parents split up. I guess every kid is different and it really depends on how they'll handle it? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753770 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:37:45 +0000 yoursilverlining 753770@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If we both were "out of love" for a prolonged period of time, tried serious counseling and were both unhappy I hope that we would divorce on good terms and each seek happiness. I don't think a going-through-the-motions marriage is a healthy model. Maybe with a divorce you risk having your child "lose faith in marriage", but I'd rather they never married than they married someone they only cared about; and were not 100% emotionally attached and involved with. Co-existing was the model my (now happily divorced and happily remarried to other people) in-laws modeled for DH and not surprisingly his first marriage followed suit and ended with two unhappy and unfulfilled partners. I want more than that for DH and for myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753762 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:26:49 +0000 78h2o 753762@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oops, can't edit on my iPhone...</p> <p>...so I will give the relationship 110% and pray with all my might we can make it work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753761 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:24:20 +0000 78h2o 753761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I voted other. I believe my DH and I will always love each other. That being said, he has mental health issues and borders on being emotionally abusive at times. Our relationship can also be very high conflict. We are going to counseling and he is trying to get help as well. I hope we can get back to where we once were. I will not stay with him though if I feel his behavior is having a negative impact on our LO, regardless of how much I love him. But I do take our vows seriously and desperately want LO to have an intact, stable family, so I will give the relationship 11 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753750 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:17:10 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 753750@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Pen: @babyjmama: my husband is inhumanly patient too!! it's my favorite trait about him... that, and his crazy amount of compassion. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-you-stopped-loving-your-so#post-753745 Tue, 30 Apr 2013 22:09:16 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 753745@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If it was purely because "I stopped loving him", then no. I think love is more than a feeling, it is a commitment and a choice. There will likely be times when I'll love him less, or feel like I don't love him at all (god forbid), but I think love takes work and certainly doesn't come easy... and I will do whatever it takes to fight for that love.</p> <p>If he was emotionally and physically abusing me... or if he cheated on me, then that's another story. </p>