https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 08 Jun 2026 05:32:52 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820561 Sat, 05 May 2018 17:17:51 +0000 crazydoglady 2820561@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Grace: I am incredibly sorry for your loss. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820518 Sat, 05 May 2018 07:01:37 +0000 SweetiePie 2820518@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn’t answer the poll because I think the options are both too extreme. They certainly wouldn’t say “no big deal” but they also wouldn’t cause drama over it. Well, I guess one of them might.<br /> But anyway, it sounds like there is a special circumstance with your MIL (a real fear of flying) so I would think that her family would understand that.<br /> Not sure if this is an option, but could she get Valium or something for the flight from a doctor? I have a friend who suddenly became afraid of flying after a family members death (his death wasn’t related to flying but for some reason it triggered anxiety in her and one of the things she became terrified of was flying). For years she didn’t fly but recently she’s started taking Valium before flights so she can travel with her family. She only does it like once or twice a year but it helps immensely. She didn’t fly for YEARS prior to this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820510 Sat, 05 May 2018 06:12:38 +0000 looch 2820510@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If it gives any consolation, when my uncle died, my mother did not attend the funeral (her sister's husband) because of the expense and distance incurred with the flight. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820504 Sat, 05 May 2018 00:09:44 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2820504@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Grace: I’m so sorry for your loss and glad your uncle was able to make it. :heart: </p> <p>@newlypregnantlady: IDK if taking a train is an option (schedule/ if it goes over bridges/ drop off location). DH told me with flying they would have to get a rental to take them from the airport into the town where her sister lives. No matter how my MIL attends this will impact one of her children since she does not travel alone. Close to 5 pm my time zone yesterday I asked if there was a decision on which day is the funeral because surely you can’t wake up on the same day and throw one together (preacher, burial site, repast). Crickets. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820501 Fri, 04 May 2018 23:53:52 +0000 Grace 2820501@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well, my father’s funeral was today. My mother’s family isn’t very close and she will go years without speaking with her brother. Her brother drove 18 hours to make it in time for the funeral. If he hadn’t come, it wouldn’t have caused drama because we would have expected it - it would have been another instance of him not caring. But he did come, and it meant the world to my mother and to my sisters and I. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820423 Fri, 04 May 2018 15:21:16 +0000 newlypregnantlady 2820423@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not sure if this is an option, but is it possible for her to take an overnight train? It’s not convenient but would it help the flying anxiety? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820396 Fri, 04 May 2018 13:04:12 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2820396@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Iced Tea: @MrsLonghorn: honestly, I don’t understand the family dynamics at play here and why attending is still something DH is looking into given the circumstances.</p> <p>I offered to take a trip there (DH, LO, MIL &amp; I) when it’s convenient to support the sister after the bustle of the funeral is over. That got shot down. Showing your face at the actual funeral is super important apparently. :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820393 Fri, 04 May 2018 12:52:10 +0000 nana87 2820393@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it really depends on the relationship. My mother has two sisters, and last summer my uncle (my mother's older sister's husband) passed away. My mother absolutely was not missing the funeral because she and that sister are very, very close, and she was able to make the travel work logistically and financially. My dad and I (with lo2, who was 3 months at the time) went too. My mom had also spent a lot of time with my aunt leading up to his death becuase my aunt had also had health issues. On the other hand, my OTHER aunt, my mom's younger sister (my mom is the middle sister) was not able to go--they weren't as close then because of years-long drama (looong story, but it's actually better now...), plus that sister lives much farther away and is less able financially to travel. But, she still sent food and flowers (we're Jewish so it's customary for friends and relatives to arrange and cover the cost of food during the shiva, or mourning period) and called to check in a bunch. I don't think anyone expected she would come because of the way their relationship was at that point, and everyone was really appreciative of the food/flowers she sent. If my mom hadn't gone, I think that would have been much more of a shock</p> <p>ETA travel was involved for both my mom and aunt, but less distance/cost for my mom--my mom splits her time between MI and NY (I can't rmemeber where she was at the time, I think NY since I think my dad and I flew with her...), and the funeral was in OH. My other aunt is in TX. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820356 Fri, 04 May 2018 11:48:01 +0000 MrsLonghorn 2820356@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, based on your original post, yes this is important and we would absolutely be expected to attend the funeral of a BIL or SIL. My rule of thumb is that you always go to a funeral.</p> <p>That said, you mentioned that your MIL hasn't seen family in 20 years? At that point, I think it is up to her. If she wants to go, then I would suck it up and jump through hoops to make it happen. If she doesn't care, then that is her decision and I would let her skip it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820323 Fri, 04 May 2018 10:48:56 +0000 Iced Tea 2820323@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In generally, I would totally expect sibling support in the event of a spouse dying. </p> <p>However, the details of this situation make it sound like it would be more understandable if she missed the funeral.<br /> -no reasonable person would expect people to fly there on one day’s notice.<br /> -it sounds like this anxiety is a legit mental health issue that everyone’s aware of. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820296 Fri, 04 May 2018 09:58:31 +0000 psw27 2820296@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it would be a big deal since your MIL hasn't seen her BIL in 20 years. I would assume your MIL's sister has closer support people in place if she hasn't seen her sister in 20 years. But ultimately, your MIL needs to decide if she can overcome her travel anxiety to be there for her sister - it sounds like she can't.</p> <p>Edited to add - if my brother's wife died, I would absolutely be there. But I don't have travel anxiety to contend with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820285 Fri, 04 May 2018 09:39:59 +0000 Bluebonnet 2820285@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If my uncle passed away, I would be at the funeral, and so would my parents. But, I have a very close family and that is what we do.</p> <p>I think you MIL needs to be there and if she's not there, she will likely regret it. As soon as the funeral is announced, your DH and his siblings should chat and see who is able to rearrange their schedule to take their mom. But if the family decides today to have the funeral tomorrow (which seems abnormally fast), that would prohibit most people from traveling to the funeral. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820258 Fri, 04 May 2018 09:06:24 +0000 snowjewelz 2820258@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Reading what you wrote above about MIL; I think it's just up to her then. Is supporting family/sister more important (considering the state of their relationship) than travel anxieties? If they're already kind of estranged; not going will definitely put a bigger wedge into their relationship. But at this point she may not care...</p> <p>And I agree there's only SO much her kids can do last minute to try to work it out to travel with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820255 Fri, 04 May 2018 09:00:39 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2820255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: ideally one of her daughters would rearrange their schedule (college/ work) and fly with her, but with not knowing which day the funeral is going to be on is making it hard on everyone to adjust their schedule. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820254 Fri, 04 May 2018 09:00:00 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2820254@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think she should go if possible to support her sister! One day notice is really short but other than that, it's her sister, of course she should be there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820253 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:58:23 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2820253@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina: yes, MIL’s sister is still alive. From what I gather MIL has not seen her family in 20 years. Edited for clarification: The family is not estranged, but just no one has visited each other in a long time. </p> <p>@kiddosc: she has a fear of bridges and long distance driving. In all the times she has visited us she comes with someone else who can drive her. We have lived 4 hours away and now 7-8 hrs. To drive to the funeral from where she is would be 18 hrs.</p> <p>@travellingbee: I can’t get a read on how much MIL wants to go at this point. Apparently her fear of flying is really bad. I can only imagine not knowing which day she would need to fly is stressful. DH told me she’s kind of shut down and isn’t picking up his calls or texts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820250 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:53:43 +0000 Becky 2820250@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If MIL wanted to go then absolutely—he needing to be there to support her sister in and of itself is a reason. I can’t imagine not attending the funeral of any of my aunts/uncles by marriage and would make it happen. I have had to miss important work things for deaths in the family. It’s not the missing the actual funeral that’s a big deal, but the not being there to support the family. I’ve had to choose between the wake/funeral/services before though and people understood that. That being said my family would understand if I personally didn’t attend (two little kids and my husband works a ton), but it just feels wrong to me and my sisters who love very far away have had regrets (I’m a 6-7 hour drive so “local”). The last funeral I just told my husband he needed to watch our daughter and I left—there wasn’t a conversation. Work obviously understood. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820248 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:50:42 +0000 snowjewelz 2820248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina: Same, and I am sure vice versa. </p> <p>If MIL has family local that could fly with her I would go that route. Or she might just have to get meds if she is able to and do it this one time to support her sister... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820247 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:50:02 +0000 JennyPenny 2820247@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn't vote because I agree it depends on the family. My parents are probably "medium close" with their siblings and it would not seem weird at all to me (or anyone in my family) if they didn't attend the funeral of a sibling's spouse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820246 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:47:53 +0000 travellingbee 2820246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If my husband died and my brother didn't come to the funeral, I would have a really hard time with that. So yes, I think she should make every effort to be there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820245 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:46:55 +0000 erinbaderin 2820245@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So if I’m following the family connections, your MIL’s brother-in-law passed away? I think that’s a pretty close relationship, presumably they spent a fair amount of time together over the years. I think if it’s important to your mother-in-law and her sister then it’s important. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820243 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:42:13 +0000 kiddosc 2820243@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is MIL not able to drive herself? She could come in tonight and just be in the area for whenever the funeral will take place. I really can't imagine not being there for my sibling when their spouse dies. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820242 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:41:18 +0000 mrsbookworm 2820242@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess it depends on the family dynamics. In my family, once you’re married, you’re actual family, so there would be no difference between an uncle by blood or an in-law. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820241 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:40:50 +0000 josina 2820241@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is MIL's sister still alive? If so, she should absolutely be there to support her sister.<br /> I would 100% be hurt if my husband died and my sister's were not there for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820240 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:40:21 +0000 gotkimchi 2820240@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To me it would matter if mil wanted to go. If she did, I would make it happen. I’ve found as my family gets older they get weirder about funerals - ie it’s very important to them to go even when I think these are sort of random people </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-your-sisters-husband-died#post-2820237 Fri, 04 May 2018 08:23:59 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2820237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Would your family understand if you could not attend the funeral?</p> <p>DH is making this huge deal out of his uncle’s passing. So MIL’s BIL. MIL is scared to fly and the family has not yet decided if the funeral will be Saturday (as in tomorrow) or Monday. </p> <p>If it’s tomorrow, DH would drive to MIL (he’s OOT now, so not even sure how long his drive would be, but let’s say 7+ hrs) and then fly with her. He can’t miss a business trip on Monday. If it’s on Monday, he’s trying to get one of his sisters who is local to fly with her.</p> <p>Honestly, I feel like he’s the most concerned about her attendance, but it’s an in law. People miss funerals all the time, right? </p>