https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 09 May 2026 01:11:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1261861 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 11:48:27 +0000 Modern Daisy 1261861@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Glad to hear you worked it out! We got joint accounts the day after our wedding because we both agreed that it wouldn't feel right for one of us to not be able to spend as much if they made less $ and what if one of us decided to stay home or got hurt adn couldn't work? I know a lot of couples who keep separate financies, usually the same as your situation where one or both of them are older and set in their ways. It works fine for some but we weren't comfortable with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1261771 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 11:34:14 +0000 MamaMoose 1261771@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CraftyMom13: I'm glad to hear it! I think you will be so much happier with more financial freedom. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1261756 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 11:31:58 +0000 Lindsay05 1261756@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm glad things have worked out. I didn't read your OP as anything too ahole of him to begin with. I think some guys just assume that if you don't approach him that something is wrong, then all must be ok. My husband is that exact same way and he is by no means an ahole. It's a tough situation to have to rely on one income but it's great that you were able to sit down and discuss a plan. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1261688 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 11:20:37 +0000 Crisark 1261688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wonderful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1261595 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 11:01:37 +0000 cascademom 1261595@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Glad to hear a positive update. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1261589 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 11:00:24 +0000 pui 1261589@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CraftyMom13: Yay! I'm glad you were able to sort this out. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1261580 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 10:59:17 +0000 BadgerMom 1261580@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>YAY!!! I'm so glad it worked out. I think you came up with a great plan :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1260821 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 06:54:31 +0000 mediagirl 1260821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CraftyMom13: I'm happy for you! I'm glad this gives you the little bit of freedom you needed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1260815 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 06:41:41 +0000 yellowbird 1260815@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yay!!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1260804 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 06:25:25 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1260804@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yay!! So glad things are working out :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1260763 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 04:35:20 +0000 singingbee 1260763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CraftyMom13: great update! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1260703 Thu, 05 Dec 2013 01:33:35 +0000 Dagny 1260703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Good for you!! :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1260556 Wed, 04 Dec 2013 22:20:39 +0000 CraftyMom13 1260556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Update: I spoke to my husband about all of this and we sat down and made a plan. I now have an account set up with funds added each week for me to spend on whatever I want or need to. If I need more funds DH will transfer them in. He agreed it was an ahole move to leave us at home an insisted it wasn't intentionally. He then made dinner and let me relax in the tub while he watched the kiddos. Everything is good now and I think this new plan will work for the both of us :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1242593 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 17:24:01 +0000 Ginabean3 1242593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just wanted to echo the sentiments of trying to meet some mom friends (library? Park? Meet up groups?). It makes being a SAHM much easier (and more fun)!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1242502 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 16:48:19 +0000 yoursilverlining 1242502@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wonderstruck: I agree that counseling seems like a really good idea. </p> <p>Marriage is a lifelong partnership, and financial issues (in all sorts of forms) and communication issues are like the #1 and #2 reasons for divorce. Even if “divorce is not an option”, if you cannot get on equal ground regarding money and can’t get there in part because you cannot communicate; that doesn’t sound like a healthy situation.</p> <p>People with severe financial control issues like this raise such huge red flags to me, because too often it isn’t strictly about money and instead is just as much about exerting power and control over the lifestyle and freedom of choice of the other person. If you can’t access your money, plainly, your choices are limited. </p> <p>I *totally* understand how jealousy could crop up between a SAH parent and a WOH parent, especially on hard days. I wonder if some of those feelings of jealosy are more about a lack of freedom you have coming from the financial setup, and if you might be happier if those issues were resolved. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1242446 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 16:34:09 +0000 LuLu Mom 1242446@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kimberlybee: Okay I'm glad someone saw where I was coming from, I hate to have her feel attack when she just wants some comfort! &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1242441 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 16:31:20 +0000 HellOnHeels 1242441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Change is inevitable, especially when children come into the mix. Things that might have worked for you guys before may not now, and you both need to keep an open mind and be able to compromise. </p> <p>I think it would be a good idea to have a chat with your husband about how you're feeling, at the very least. I hope he is understanding and you two can come to an agreement where you're both happy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1242406 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 16:13:15 +0000 wonderstruck 1242406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly? I think you two could really benefit from counseling. You need to figure out how to talk to him even when it's about something unpleasant, and he needs to stop being so 'my way or the highway' - that attitude just doesn't work when you have a family. You shouldn't have to ask him whenever you need money, and he shouldn't say he's coming home when he's going out to lunch with a friend (also known as a lie - although I'm sure he'd be furious if you called it that.) This can get better so you're not so frustrated, but it's going to take some work, and probably some outside help since it doesn't sound like he thinks anything needs to change. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh/page/2#post-1242399 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 16:04:37 +0000 Kimberlybee 1242399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LuLu Mom: I read your statement like it was coming from a worried friend, not at all judgemental. I would be scared of this arrangement also. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242339 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 15:49:36 +0000 LuLu Mom 1242339@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CraftyMom13: I hope you didn't read my post as judgy, I don't want it to come across that way at all, I know what it's like to just want a listening ear &amp; support. I think we all have to be supportive of each other &amp; I hope you're able to work things out! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242263 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 15:26:10 +0000 Kimberlybee 1242263@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CraftyMom13: Hope you can talk to him about this sooner rather than later. I am not judging and just want to lend my ears and shoulders for you to cry on. He needs to get you a debit card to one of the accounts so you can buy things that you need without his permission. That would drive me crazy and get me in a pissed off mood daily! I am a SAHM (temporarily) but I am in charge of the bills and finances. DH gets a certain amount automatically deposited into his separate account with his paycheck. He can buy whatever he wants with it but I still have access to it too. Confrontation is not the answer. Maybe you can approach him gently on it and go from there. </p> <p>If he is anything like my controlling BIL, he doesn't like to be confronted or spoken aggressively to but if you ask him sweetly and kill him with kindness, he will gladly hand over his wallet. Good luck and big hugs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242182 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 15:02:19 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 1242182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: agree. support w/o judging. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242178 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 15:00:10 +0000 ScarletBegonia 1242178@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The thing is, 30/40 years ago I can see why a more "traditional" marriage would work this way, financially. When there was no easy access to cash and someone had to go to the bank to withdraw, it makes sense that someone would withdraw the money and then give an allowance to the 2nd party.<br /> But nowadays, i really see no excuse for the kind of financial control your husband has over you. It is *so* easy to have a joint account that you have full (or partial) access to via a debit card, or a separate account that he deposits into and you have full access to, or any one of a dozen other options, all with the bonus that you never need to ask for money. I think that the asking sets up a toxic dynamic in a relationship. My husband makes a lot more money than I do, but our money is all joint except for individual credit cards, and I honestly don't know if i could live it any other way.<br /> To each their own - its your relationship and you know best. But the upset and sadness coming across in your posts makes me feel like maybe you do want this to change, and you have to talk to him about it, "his way or no way" be damned. Your way is important too!!!<br /> Good luck to you - keep us posted! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242173 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 14:59:33 +0000 Sapphiresun 1242173@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not having access to money kind of blows my mind. I get that he gives it to you when you ask, but it would annoy the heck out of me to ask every time. </p> <p>DH and I both work full time, but create our budget together. We each get X amount of "no questions asked" money each month. I can blow it on pedicures every month, spend it on gifts for him, or save it up for something bigger down the road. </p> <p>I'm wondering if your set up is "just ask if you need money", maybe you need to change the ask to a larger lump sum for discretionary spending. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242171 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 14:58:13 +0000 BadgerMom 1242171@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that not all relationships are equal partnerships and I think as long as each person is comfortable in the relationship then there is nothing wrong with it.</p> <p>Is there a way you could work out some sort of allowance situation. Where he pays you every week an amount that you both agree is fair to cover your personal expenses as well as groceries, gas, etc? This way he would still have control of the big checkbook but you would have a little stipend account of your own? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242170 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 14:58:07 +0000 Cole 1242170@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wonder if it might help to have a credit card in your name even if the bill just goes straight to him. It would give you some freedom and you wouldn't need to get so stuck. </p> <p>It is so hard that you are stuck without much adult interaction. I think it would be wise for you to have a chat with him and let him know that you need some sort of change. Personally, I would wait a few days until you are over the craziness of today and I would put it out there as something you want to pursue after the holidays are over (?) once things are calm. In the meantime I would schedule a few things for yourself, an evening with friends, an afternoon at the spa, something for you to look forward to and so you can recharge your batteries. </p> <p>Big hugs to you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242167 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 14:57:00 +0000 erinpye 1242167@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know people who have a financial set up the way you do, but the wife gets a large sum at a time, every month. Then if she needs more, she just says so. That way, she has funds always available to her, rather than asking for each thing individually. </p> <p>I can relate to a lot of your post about your DH being able to have his time to do things like talk to adults, eat lunch without distraction, hell, even get a cup of coffee or pee alone. It's hard to be the parent that's home. I have full access to our joint accounts and a husband who doesn't care to really look at what I spend, but the other stuff is also hard. My advice is this: talk to him about another financial set up, maybe like my example of the couple I know, so your hubby is still in control as he likes to be, but you've got more wiggle room. Also, make some mom friends and see them- a lot. Have play dates and get coffee, lunch, go to each other's houses, make Costco runs together. It's amazingly helpful to talk to other adults during the day, especially women who completely understand your current life, plus it's great for your LO to be around other kiddos. And about the grocery shopping thing today, I think you need to tell your DH that you both should work a little on communication, because you understood his call to mean he'd be right home, you waited on him and delayed lunch, and were frustrated/ hurt when 2 hours later he was not home, but out with a friend instead. Maybe explain to him a bit what your day is like, and how you'd been looking forward to seeing him and spending time as a family, so it just hurt your feelings a little. Good luck, mama! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242149 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 14:52:42 +0000 irene 1242149@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CraftyMom13: hugs....I don't know how you are set up, but can he at least issue a credit card for you so you don't have to ask him for cash every time...? Or is it how it is already just that you didn't want to use his card to buy him his gifts?</p> <p>Can you talk to him and have an agreement where you have a bank account, and he puts a certain amount of $ every month into your account so at least you can go get some groceries without asking him for the money..? SAHM needs to get "paid" too - that's one of the most difficult jobs in the world!! (And actually I think that's how one of my friends was set up, and she is an SAHM)</p> <p>Can you establish your own group of friends? That way you can still go have lunch with your mom friends ? Yes you'll have to take your kids with you but at least you have other adults to talk to on a regular basis...</p> <p>Hugs..... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242134 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 14:50:39 +0000 mlm2934 1242134@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: complete agreement. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/im-jealous-of-dh#post-1242117 Mon, 25 Nov 2013 14:46:58 +0000 mrskc 1242117@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CraftyMom13: I'm glad that you guys have that set up. My coworker handles all of her family's finances and she gives her husband an allowance b/c he just simple isn't good with money. She was able to set up this like separate sub-account where she puts his allowance into. He has his own debit card for it. Maybe he can set something like that up for you? </p>