https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 17 May 2026 01:23:20 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2782035 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 17:45:43 +0000 Mama Bird 2782035@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, come on! A mom's "me time" must be respected! As well as a dad's "me time" of course :happy: Maybe the kids gave him a hard time though. DH only gets upset with me for staying out later than I planned if his time at home turns into a hot mess. We all know the feeling, when the kids are just going nuts and you can't wait to have another adult back in the house. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2782027 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 16:59:39 +0000 gingerbebe 2782027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, I would work on maybe trying to give each other a "night off" once or twice a month (like one person gets a night off each week) so both people feel like they get some down time. HOW each person wants that downtime might be different. Maybe one person wants to go out with friends. Maybe the other wants to curl up in a ball in their bed and not be touched/spoken to for 3 hours. Fine.</p> <p>Agree that trying to do something after bedtime would be ideal (but my kids go to bed at 730pm too). I get the kids down and then leave the house for a few hours like strolling Target and zoning out, or get myself a treat and cruise Marshalls (hey, they're open late!) Sometimes I meet up with friends for snack or a drink. Almost always, however, I bring a treat back for my husband. Sometimes its ice cream, sometimes its boba, sometimes its a Nerd Rope - wherever I am, I pick something up for him and it makes him feel appreciated and that he was still present in my thoughts.</p> <p>DH likes to hide out and play video games on his phone for a while. Or just do work in his office.</p> <p>Even if that means we have to then pull ourselves together to pack lunches and run the dishes at like 10pm or whatever, its still worth it to have that 2 hours of decompression time right after bedtime. </p> <p>Another thing that helps us is that twice a month we have some friends come over to OUR house for dinner. We usually have them eat dinner early with us and the kids, play around with the kids together, then we get the kids ready for bed and excuse ourselves for a while to put them down, and then we come back downstairs to visit for as long as we want. Usually our friends bring dessert or pick up salad fixings while we provide the main dish. It is something to look forward to for both of us, our kids love seeing them, and its fun. This works well for us because oddly the friends who always want to come over regularly are ones without kids! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2782025 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 16:40:24 +0000 bubblegum 2782025@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: that’s a good suggestion!! I’m sure he would prefer that much more!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2782024 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 16:32:56 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2782024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bubblegum: or go out with your friend after bedtime so at least he can chill a little.. On my home days I prefer that on the occasion Dh goes with friends. Not sure if it'll work for you but just a suggestion! :) eta our kids also have an early bedtime of 730 so it's not so hard to do! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2782021 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 16:29:51 +0000 bubblegum 2782021@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you ladies!!! You are all so sweet! Next time DH and I just have to have better communication and set an ending time! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2782020 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 16:28:59 +0000 bubblegum 2782020@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: your honesty is always the best!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2782019 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 16:28:41 +0000 bubblegum 2782019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@birdofafeather: @ineebee: for sure! And I totally get that! When I was the kids full time and I’m school I would get really annoyed when he wanted to go out but we had a great understanding. I asked him a bunch of times if he was okay with it and everything he said yes. Next time I’ll just have to see what he’s expects. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2782010 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 16:15:01 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2782010@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@birdofafeather: @ineebee: agreed.</p> <p>It comes down to respecting each other's time no matter what task the other person is doing IMO. Carrying school and work is a lot, but so is putting off your own goals for your family and to allow your spouse to pursue theirs fully. Being "on" all the time is mentally tiring and maybe he was just done that day and your time "off" made his day longer/harder. Ideally he would have just realized it was still early and not lashed out either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781943 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 13:09:54 +0000 Mrsbells 2781943@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bubblegum: that sounds a tough situation. I think you need to have talk with him because it sounds like his expectations are not realistic. Its important to have him understand that you need time for yourself as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781937 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 12:59:47 +0000 gingerbebe 2781937@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bubblegum: I'm sorry your husband was being a jerkwad. You DO deserve the night off to celebrate with a friend, etc. </p> <p>My ONLY caveat would be that perhaps he just had a really hard day caring for the kids and he felt like his work day got extended longer while, in his view, you were out partying. I'm sure your husband knows/feels that you deserve it too, but in the moment perhaps he just felt spread too thin and lashed out. I know on days I've spent all day with my children and DH comes home a few hours late I am like extra annoyed with him even though I know its a legitimate reason. I basically just stare at the clock counting the minutes until he gets home and get more and more annoyed the longer the evening drags out because I'm just OVER IT. </p> <p>So, again, he was in the wrong and you totally deserve the break, but he may have just had a hard time and was snapping at you over it. I'm sorry, it sucks, but hopefully both of you can give each other a break and make up quickly! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781930 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 12:47:28 +0000 ineebee 2781930@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@birdofafeather: Totally agree. </p> <p>As a SAHM, it’s hard helping DH deal with his difficulties because they’re so different from mine. He works hard to be the best employee, dad and husband, and he’s stretched so thin. Yet when he wants a “night off,” it’s hard for me to get fully behind it because I am in desperate need of it too. Of course, in my head, I know that it’ll be good for him to do his thing, but my gut feeling sometimes is a little bit of resentment. Since one of us became a SAHP, we’ve both had to work a lot harder at trying to see things from the other’s perspective, and for me, I’ve had to work a lot harder at not resenting my husband’s time away from home. Just a thought from a SAHP’s perspective. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781922 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 11:58:18 +0000 birdofafeather 2781922@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your husband is being unreasonable, but I'm also trying to see his side of also being the stay at home parent, on all the time, etc. I've been there and I can forget that DH needs his own time too when I feel like I'm in the weeds. So when that happens, we usually need to have a discussion when we're not heated about expectations, what we need from each other to thrive, etc. Sounds like a stressful couple years for you both so hopefully you can work out a way to carve out time to celebrate your accomplishments as well as having your DH have that time too. You do deserve it and for you to be able to enjoy that time without guilt! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781921 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 11:57:58 +0000 PawPrints 2781921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah definitely be more clear with him about expectations. I mean, I can see from his perspective that if you told him you were going to be home by 7pm and you didn't get home until 8pm, he would be upset and I think that makes sense. So in the future I'd be clear with him that you're going to take a well-deserved night out and won't be home for bedtime. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781912 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 11:25:36 +0000 snowjewelz 2781912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's hard :heart: I feel you; I haven't taken me time in almost 3 years :shocked: I def would talk to him about expectations. You kept him in the loop the whole time, and you deserved it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781910 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 11:23:14 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2781910@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: Haha...that could be true. My husband speed cuts the grass. It's not that he hates it, but it's not fun for him. His toilet time on the other hand...let's just say there would be something physically wrong with him if it actually took him that long to use the bathroom. :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781908 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 11:20:16 +0000 psw27 2781908@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bubblegum: Hugs to you! You 100% deserve a night out and a night off (and by off I mean no bath time, no bedtime, no bottle washing, no dinner clean up!) Everyone deserves a night off... Your DH is being unreasonable. He should not make you feel guilty about taking what sounds like a very short amount of time to just be someone other than mom/wife/student! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781901 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 10:46:37 +0000 Truth Bombs 2781901@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: Ha! Your comment made me LOL because I swear my husband makes lawn care take foooorreeevverrr because he enjoys it and sees it as a break </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781899 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 10:40:50 +0000 bubblegum 2781899@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I honestly got a little teary reading all your responses and supportive comments! It helps me realize I’m not the crazy one here. This was the first DH has done something like this in a long time. I’m glad it’s not me, it’s him. Today is much better but I really want to get to the root of what the issue is because that can’t happen again. As parents we all deserve us time. Thank you again ladies. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781884 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 09:27:36 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2781884@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there needs to be a talk with your husband about the burdens you are both carrying. You sound like you do a ton and carry all of the emotional burden. Parenting is also his responsibility, and he needs to be able to handle you being away for one night for a few hours. I travel a few days every month, and my husband doesn't even bat an eye with picking up the slack and taking care of OUR kids. </p> <p>Setting expectations prior to doing some of these things sounds like it's key. If expectations are high (he's expecting you to be home by 6:30), then they're of course going to be shattered if you get home by 7. Helping him lower his expectations by communicating with him and letting him know exactly when you'll be home is needed. Did he have a rough night with the kids? There can be times when I have the kids and DH is out, that I'm counting the minutes until he comes home so that we have a bit of a tag team going on. He also has those days, and we try to be considerate of one another. I'm not saying you weren't considerate, but his expectation was obviously different than yours, and I think that's where the disconnect comes in. </p> <p>But, you absolutely deserve some time away from the kids that isn't working or going to school. That's not fun. Just like my husband mowing the lawn isn't "time away from the kids." No, he's not with the kids while he's mowing the lawn, but he also isn't doing something he enjoys. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781880 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 09:20:13 +0000 nwm 2781880@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>totally agree with PPs. he is being extremely selfish and unreasonable, and you are doing beyond awesome! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781860 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 08:22:24 +0000 Mrs D 2781860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing to add that the other ladies havent already addressed, just wanted to offer hugs. You deserved the night, your husband needs to apologize. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781853 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 07:56:35 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2781853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are worth having a moment to yourself and a friend to celebrate and be proud of you. Hold onto that while your husband throws an adult tantrum. He's entitled to his feelings and you're entitled to your joy. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781851 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 07:39:01 +0000 yoursilverlining 2781851@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: already typed exactly what I was going to. He's being a dick. As long as you communicated clearly that you would not be home (so he knew to pick up the kids and feed them himself) you have nothing to feel guilty or badly about. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781847 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 06:45:16 +0000 Adira 2781847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your husband sounds like he's being unreasonable. He knew you were going out, so I don't get what his problem is. When one of us goes out to dinner, it's with the understanding that we WON'T be home for bedtime.</p> <p>I guess next time just make that more clear? "I'm going out to dinner with my girlfriend and I won't be home until after bedtime!" But it might also be worth it to have a conversation with your husband about this time too. "I don't appreciate you making me feel guilty that I went out with my friend. I never do anything for myself and I deserve to go out occasionally. I was home before bedtime, so you have no right to complain. What's your issue?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781846 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 06:22:49 +0000 hellobeeboston 2781846@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First off, there is no such thing as a "perfect wife".... I certainly hope your husband isn't making you feel like you aren't that.</p> <p> It sounds like you juggle A LOT. And like others said you certainly deserve a night out... it sounds like everything was communicated clearly so not sure what his deal was. But I would go out AGAIN and skip bed time this time around and make him do it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781845 Wed, 25 Oct 2017 05:44:33 +0000 Truth Bombs 2781845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If I remember from your other post your husband doesn't work or go to school, correct? Honestly, I'd be furious with him. You're carrying a huge load on your back and needed one night out with a friend. And by the way, one of the best parts of a night out is missing the responsibility of bath and bed time. A night out should never end before the kids are asleep! So as far as I'm concerned, you were home much too early. Your husband needs a reality check. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781838 Tue, 24 Oct 2017 23:22:19 +0000 ALV91711 2781838@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You do deserve time out by yourself. You should schedule this into your week/month. Talk to DH and set up expectations that you both agree to. </p> <p>I go out to the gym twice a week after dinner. Some nights I'll run errands afterwards and sometimes I come straight home. Either way DH knows he's in charge for the evening. In turn DH will do something usually one evening a week, but not always. </p> <p>We need time to do our own thing to be better spouses &amp; parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781837 Tue, 24 Oct 2017 22:38:07 +0000 youboots 2781837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m sorry that sucks. I’m trying to get out of the house more- DH has so many out of home commitments I need to get out by myself and working does not count- I joined a BUNCO group in my neighborhood with a bunch of ladies my Moms age. It sets you up for failure if you don’t know what the expectations are. You deserve to do things for yourself time to time guilt free. You are not imperfect you have so much on your plate! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/imperfect-wife#post-2781833 Tue, 24 Oct 2017 22:18:14 +0000 bubblegum 2781833@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m a full time wife, mom, student and employee and I feel like I do my very best to make ever aspect of my life be top priority. I’m a wonderful mom of two kids and a wife who does all that I can to make my family feel important and for the last two year I’ve taken a back burner to life and all I am is a mom, wife and student. Who I am as a person has ceased to exist. So the ONE friend I have was so proud of my scholarship accomplishments decided to take me out for dinner. DH was pissed that I wasn’t home at the time he expected which he never told me the time!!! even though I kept communication with him the whole time. He’s telling me that I’m in the wrong and should’ve been home sooner. He making me feel like I don’t deserve this time even though I do all that I can. Btw I was home before the children went to bed so imagine how early that was!!! I feel so sad and so broken by this all. Just need some positivity. </p>