https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 05 Apr 2026 02:27:56 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1557533 Wed, 09 Apr 2014 20:20:22 +0000 irene 1557533@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wonderstruck: @mrbee: @Greentea: @lamariniere: @SugarplumsMom: @Mrs. Jump Rope: @looch: </p> <p>Thank you all again. You verified that I am not over-reacting, which I have really been doubting myself about. Whenever I told my friends about my FIL, they didn't think it was a big deal and they told me I should just let it go because "the older generation of Chinese are like that" (hmm, not sure because he's by far the worst I have ever met, like someone out of a badly-written soap opera). So in a way I stopped talking about him to my friends as they seem to think that I am complaining about nonsense. I have been wondering if it were me who is overly sensitive and over-reacting. Thanks for your empathy.</p> <p>DH cuts his communication with his parents off mostly BEFORE LO (a phone call every half a year or longer maybe, and we only see them once every few years). I am not quite sure why he reached back out to them after LO was born. Maybe he had a good experience with his grandfather, who had passed away a few years ago (which he cried, and my husband never cries), and wanted his son to have the same? He would probably be OK if I asked to cut them off, but the thing is, I can't just cut HIM off because I'd be cutting my MIL off as well, and she is a good person. Both of them loves LO very much, and if anything, she deserves to see her grandchild. She won't really go anywhere without FIL, so I can't just invite her to come visit. Not to mention it will be a really ugly family feud. I am still planning to take LO to see all the other relatives (they are all nice people), and I can't even imagine what I am going to hear if I do decide to cut him off.</p> <p>But with your confirmation, I am actually reconsidering this as an option. I am more afraid/concerned about how I would explode if another incident happens if I were to see him again, which is likely to happen.</p> <p>OK I will make an appointment with my therapist.</p> <p>I have asked DH to talk to FIL for me. He refused. He hates his own father but he thinks I should just learn to ignore him and treat him as a very annoying fly, an ignorant nobody, rather than letting whatever he says get to me. I think the rest of his family has mastered this skill. I have seen really ridiculous things that he say and did to his sons and his wife that I don't even want to waste energy to elaborate, but they all treated it as if nothing happened. I don't know how they do that. It offended me and I was just watching it as an outsider. DH thinks I should confront him and he will help me elaborate. But I think this is more for his own entertainment as I am sure he would love to watch a fight and for anyone to stand up and tell his father he is wrong. So I am not falling for that. Yet. lol</p> <p>@wonderstruck: no it would be pointless for him to apologize. He "apologizes" (he didn't say sorry, basically he told me to forget what he said) many times (MIL forced him to), but he didn't even know why. He is set on his beliefs and it is not like he would suddenly transform into this person who sees women and a "non-family" person in an equal standing.</p> <p>@mrbee: We went through a FIL-free "vacation" after the incident for a month or more. It didn't help. Maybe I can try again, but they wouldn't understand why we are not picking up the phone.</p> <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: LO is still too young (2 years old) so he hasn't really done anything wrong to my son yet (except the dog incident). This is his only grandchild so I think he may be happy regardless if it were a boy or a girl. I am not sure. Maybe you are right, maybe if we had a girl it would have been easier to cut him off because he wouldn't be so clingy? The consequences he's suffering was the discontinuation of that photo blog, and we didn't pick up their calls for a month after the incident. And obviously my blackened face if I ever appeared on the Facetime screen lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1555674 Wed, 09 Apr 2014 08:41:20 +0000 looch 1555674@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have a person like this in my life, but if I did, I would basically come down like this:</p> <p>My son is impressionable. He is not and will not be around people that can not respect other people because I do not want him to learn this behaviour or to think that it is appropriate for some people to behave this way. </p> <p>I would cut him off. I don't have time for people that disrespect anyone in my family, whether it be me or someone else. I can put up with a lot, but if my parents were disrespectful to my husband in front of my son, no. Not tolerating that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1555502 Wed, 09 Apr 2014 07:44:13 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1555502@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Gosh, this sounds like a lot to handle. </p> <p>I'm a big what-if kind of person, and my mind always wanders to the worst. So, reading your story made me think the following:<br /> - your FIL sounds like he sees women as inferior<br /> - what happens if you and DH have a daughter? Will FIL treat your kids differently?<br /> - how would either of you handle this?</p> <p>When it comes to conflict, I stand by this: you can eff with me, but do NOT eff with me kid. I feel like your FIL has crossed some major boundaries. Has he ever had consequences for his actions?</p> <p>If this were my situation, my husband would be having a talk with his parent(s) and they'd have consequences. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1555389 Wed, 09 Apr 2014 04:52:08 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1555389@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I msged you instead :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1555386 Wed, 09 Apr 2014 03:53:40 +0000 lamariniere 1555386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, I would avoid him, end of story. No need for you to put in a lot of effort for the benefit of this misogynistic a-hole. When your son is old enough you can explain that grandpa is disrespectful and you don't have to put up with it even though he is family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1555154 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 20:27:00 +0000 Greentea 1555154@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I have that reaction to my mother, so I relate a lot to what you are saying. I don't have answers and I don't really know if there are any. I avoid her but have trouble with other family members or friends who don't respect that decision. Damned if you do damned if you don't. It stinks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1555118 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 20:07:44 +0000 mrbee 1555118@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Would a FIL vacation help? Maybe you just don't answer the phone or do Skype calls for a month. If your DH wants to do them, he can. Possible? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1555108 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 20:02:26 +0000 wonderstruck 1555108@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Honestly, this does sound like something I would talk to my therapist about if I were you. Obviously he's completely out of line and an asshole, but as you've acknowledged, the way you cannot seem to stop your rage over it does seem unhealthy. I'm not saying you shouldn't be mad - you totally have the right to be mad! Just that it seems like he has an unhealthy amount of control over your thoughts and response, and it's feeding the whole thing by giving him exactly what he wants.</p> <p>I'm glad your DH does stick up for you - I think the reason many of assumed he wasn't being helpful is because you said your DH wants you to confront his dad about it, when like you said, that really sounds like an awful idea that's just not going to help.</p> <p>But really, when it comes down to it, sounds like FIL is just toxic and bringing absolutely nothing good into your life. I don't typically recommend cutting off family members, but...how would your DH feel about cutting him off? Because if I were in either of your shoes, I'd have DH telling your FIL that until the disrespect stops and he issues a real apology, he will not be a part of your family's life. Your son doesn't need grandpa in his life if grandpa does nothing but show utter disrespect for women, including your son's mother! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1555077 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 19:38:20 +0000 irene 1555077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone for the response and advice!</p> <p>@wonderstruck: @cascademom: @gingerbebe: Thanks ladies! I do want to clarify one thing: DH is on my side. Everytime when there is an incident like this, he defends me immediately on the spot. When I first met FIL (when DH and I were still dating), I was warned by DH that FIL is ignorant, arrogant, sexist, and disrespectful. DH has always kept us separate and handle our "relationship" (or lack thereof) very well. I give him full credit of that. And no, I actually never in my life have called them or emailed them. DH kept a blog for sharing LO's pictures with family (which is probably FIL's browser homepage), but he completely stopped updating it since the "incident". </p> <p>While you guys said I should keep a "surface" relationship to him (and yes that's what we have anyway since day 1), my problem is I am having a big trouble doing that at this point. Thinking about any kind of relationship with FIL sickens me. Even if sometimes my phone rings my son would say "grandpa?" it would upset me internally. I feel it is threatening my mental health and I would have file a restraining order if I could. I do not want to ever see, talk to, or hear anyone mention about him if I could. I know I couldn't. It is really getting to me and in a way it is not normal (or healthy) for me to take it so personally. That's why I wonder if there is anything I can do mentally so I can adjust my thoughts and disregard whatever nonsense he says. Maybe I do need to see my therapist.</p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: In terms of one-liner, I am not as quick witted as I wish! He would just say the most random insulting/ignorant thing out of nowhere, and usually I'd be bumped to the edge of the breakdown line. I just wish I could wear earplugs or somehow adjust myself to completely ignore what he said.</p> <p>@sunny: You really crack me up!! LOL</p> <p>@Mae: Thank you so much, yes that's in line with what I want in terms of advice on how to mentally ignore him. However the thought of me being disrespected and looked down upon by this ridiculous person just really upsets me. I will definitely try your advice though....</p> <p>@mrbee: Problem is he doesn't know he is disrespectful. He didn't know I was this upset at him and how this has built up for the past 15 years. So that's not going to change. I also tried to not be present in any calls, but my son would run to me crying when he noticed I disappeared. There was one time he was chasing after me crying and DH chasing after him with the ipad. Sigh.</p> <p>@Greentea: I am avoiding him. The problem is eventually I do have to see him at some point and I want to not be affected by whatever he says. Or I may end up in a mental institution.</p> <p>@Raindrop: ex-gf / ex-wife hahahaha! I didn't think about that - interesting viewpoint! No he doesn't have an ex-wife, I don't know about an ex-gf. But he genuinely doesn't care for and disrespects everyone other than himself. And I do not know how everyone in the family seems OK with that. I really do not understand. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554937 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 18:30:23 +0000 Greentea 1554937@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: @mrbee: I agree, I would avoid him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554914 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 18:09:43 +0000 mrbee 1554914@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you just decline to be present for any calls or get togethers, until he is more respectful? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554843 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 17:15:32 +0000 Mae 1554843@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with everyone everyone else has said in terms of how to deal with him. But you also asked how to deal with you (i.e. your response to him/your feelings). </p> <p>I totally get that physical reaction to anger thing. I tend to get that too and it can be like, physically painful to walk away from an argument when you're that angry. But I think maybe you need to work on reframing things to realize that he just doesn't matter. He is a bitter, obnoxious, dick of an old man (from your description). He isn't going to change. You probably aren't going to be able to ever excise him from your life. So your options are to spend the brain power caring about what he says, or realize that he's just a hateful geezer and nothing he says matters at all. Rather than walking into a conversation with an attitude of "omg what is he going to say to piss me off today? UGH I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID THAT." maybe try an attitude of "so what's old crankerpants got an opinion about today? Sounds about right... that'll make good fodder for the girlfriends over lunch next week. anyways...."</p> <p>I know it's hard but I think getting so angry is just giving him way too much real estate in your mind/life. He just isn't worth it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554823 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 16:59:06 +0000 wonderstruck 1554823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cascademom: @gingerbebe: I just wanted to second everything these two ladies said! I think Casecademom's strategy about basically just keeping him at an arm's length and being really distant is the only way to go here if you are going to have any contact with him. And if you can seriously just re-read gingerbebe's post..I feel like everything in it bears repeating - your DH's normal meter is screwed up, and it's obvious from what he thinks is the appropriate way to handle this. My dad's family was so nasty to my mom growing up, and it took WAY too long for him to really stick for her. It definitely affected me too as a kid - no one should see their mom treated like that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554711 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 16:03:28 +0000 gingerbebe 1554711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like this is your husband's problem and not your's. Telling you to confront your FIL is pointless - if the man doesn't respect you anyway, what does he care if you tell him off. Your FIL doesn't have any reason to stop treating you poorly because there's no repercussions for him. </p> <p>If anyone were to disrespect me or say things to me like that, my DH would cut them off immediately and make it very clear that our family comes as a package deal. You speak badly about my wife, you speak badly about me. So you don't get to see any of us.</p> <p>If your DH supports you like you say, then I'm sorry, he's going to have to deal with his father. Its not fair for you to have to "suck it up" and be disrespected for the rest of your life. Its a very uncomfortable position to put your child in too, because he will pick up on your anger towards your FIL and he will also witness his grandfather disrespect you. Neither of those things are healthy or okay. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554616 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 15:31:27 +0000 cascademom 1554616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agreeing with others here. I have a horrible MIL whose told me in the past that she didn't see our relationship lasting, calling me an "immature beetch" among other things when we were dating, engaged, and newly married. Since then and after a horrible incident, with a lot of counseling of DH and I, I don't engage her at all. We went from having a civil, strained relationship to now just a surface relationship. </p> <p>Before, I made sure to send gifts which I never got credit for. It was always DH was so thoughtful, etc. Now, if DH wants to gift his family, it's up to him. I don't engage with her on the email or call level anymore. When we visit, I'm polite in my interactions with them, but keep it very superficial or focused on LO. It's been about 1.5 years since the incident. I found that maintaining this level of a relationship with MIL is really the best for me. You should read the book "Toxic Inlaws." There's some good strategies in there for dealing with inlaws. </p> <p>Also, when you broke down about the "starving" your infant, you got the reaction that FIL wanted. He wanted you to look weak. Never give people like that an opportunity to do that to you. I have and it's been disastrous. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554577 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 15:15:45 +0000 Raindrop 1554577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I may be completely off the mark here. I get the feeling that you must remind you FIL of someone he doesn't like... maybe an ex-g/f or ex-wife. He has probably been projecting those feelings on his son because of that... she can't be right for you because someone just like her was not right for me type of thing. Just talking out loud.</p> <p>My in-laws didn't really like me at first either... it was kind of weird because most of my exes parents really liked me. I don't mean to should terrible... but I didn't get it. They still didn't like me after we got married... they only started to like me after LO. *shrugs* I am going to say... that as a parent... maybe it's tough to truly let go of your kid?</p> <p>I really hope that your SO can help you get through this with you FIL. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554500 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 14:47:28 +0000 sunny 1554500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Omg I can relate 100% to what you wrote. My MIL is so overbearing and makes the exact same comments. "Why is my son so skinny? Why aren't you feeding him? Why is my granddaughter so skinny? Don't you feed her?" Does she truly think that I control what a grown man and a baby eats?! </p> <p>She has no respect for boundaries and has no regard for anyone else in this world except for herself. </p> <p>She came for six extremely long, trying weeks last January/February and since then our relationship has gone from not good to probably irreparable. </p> <p>On Saturday, she is arriving for yet another THREE weeks :crying: Not because we invited her. Because she booked herself a ticket and declared that she was coming. My husband asked her to come for less time because it is a long time to have a house guest and she blew up at him because she doesn't consider herself a house guest and thinks she has rights to be here. </p> <p>I get so angry when I think about her. I don't know how to let go of all this resentment and anger. I'm not an angry person generally, but MIL just makes my blood boil. Like you said, there is no way to escape her since she is DH's mother. Not to mention, he is an only child and she is divorced with no new partner in the picture. Once we have our second child, I wouldn't be surprised if she pushes me in front of a bus (or at least advocates for a divorce to get me out of the picture). </p> <p>I don't have any advice for you... but I can certainly commiserate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554434 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 14:30:08 +0000 2PeasinaPod 1554434@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I had another thought...you said he talks over you a lot. Get louder and say something along the lines of, "Excuse me, you interrupted me...I wasn't finished speaking..." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554427 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 14:28:08 +0000 2PeasinaPod 1554427@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. It's incredibly infuriating when you have a "family" member who doesn't respect you strictly because of your gender. While my FIL isn't nearly as bad as yours, he thinks it's a woman's job to pick up after her husband and for me to pick up after him. He watches our son once/week while I work from home and still will not eat lunch unless I make it for him. I stopped that a long time ago. He's a big boy and can make his own sandwich. I'm not a maid or a cook.</p> <p>I've found that the only thing you can control is your own actions and reactions to his comments/way of thinking. He's likely making some of the comments that he is because he knows that he can get a reaction out of you. Something that might help is having a one liner that you can come back at him with that isn't disrespectful, but is letting him know that you aren't going to tolerate his passive aggressive remarks. </p> <p>I absolutely would never talk to him (FaceTime or face to face) without your DH there to back you up. Your DH does need to take a stance in this as well and curb your dad's comments. Saying something as simple as, "that's a very hurtful thing to say" might stop him in his tracks. </p> <p>I'm so so sorry that you have to put up with this. Sending lots of hugs your way :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554409 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 14:22:03 +0000 mrsjyw 1554409@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: There was a few factors that played into our relationship now (which is great). When I was pregnant, I asked DH to have a serious talk with her about respecting my/our boundaries. (different issues than your dealing with, but still things that bothered me). I also made changes to the things that were in my control. Like I stopped calling her. I had DH call and schedule our dinners/meetups, etc. I still do occasionally call her, but it's rare and it freed me up. From annoyance, from obligation, from a lot of undue stress. I was trying to a nice thing, but it just blew up in my face, so I stopped calling. I'm also more vocal about things to her and better about saying no. I also (since having DS) have come to appreciate her gestures more. Some things that used to bother me, don't anymore. I let her do some things now that used to bug me before, etc. It's definitely a delicate balance. And it takes time. But the #1 thing that helped was talking it out with DH (not being so angry about it either, but trying to vent with a heart of empathy for her side too) and letting him take the lead in setting our boundaries and me taking note to abide by those instead of letting unnecessary guilt take over and caving. </p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554393 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 14:17:26 +0000 irene 1554393@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsjyw: I agree 100%. Husband wanted me to confront FIL (claiming he would help me to get my point across) but I don't think that's going to work or even necessary. Because even if he really tried to be nice, his values are set and he is bound to say things that pisses me off.</p> <p>One thing would work is to tell him NOT to talk to me ever again, or even speak when I am in the same room. Haha.</p> <p>What I want to know is how do you adjust your attitude in dealing with your MIL? I just don't know how. I would gladly wear earplugs if it were socially acceptable. Sigh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554324 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 14:05:13 +0000 mrsjyw 1554324@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's a horrible situation that you're in, I've had to deal with an overbearing MIL in my life pre-LO and the only thing that really changed my stress levels and impact on my life was how I chose to react to her. </p> <p>There's no changing your FIL. Talking to him probably won't make a difference in his behavior towards you as I've learned in situations like these with older people. They're pretty much set in their ways and usually of the "my way or no way" mentality. </p> <p>I think the only peace you will really find is to control your emotions and reactions (or non actions). While it sounds almost robotic, tolerate him for those handful of FT calls and annual visits. Don't let his words get to you and ignore them. </p> <p>If this isn't possible, i think it def is one of those situations that your DH needs to be vocal about and express BOTH of your feelings on FIL's attitude towards you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/in-law-dilemma#post-1554291 Tue, 08 Apr 2014 13:57:52 +0000 irene 1554291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I shouldn't put it in family because I was NOT considered as family, but there was no "in-law" category.</p> <p>I need some advice. Long story short, I am beyond furious with FIL to a point of no repair. I would gladly cut such people out of my life and not see them anymore, but I don't want to cut the grandfather out of my son's life. However, every time I thought about this person, I am livid to a point I think a million of my brain cells die. I would really like to forgive and forget, but I physically can not.</p> <p>I need some advice as to what I should do to forget about this and move on.</p> <p>So there has been a very long history. My FIL has always disrespect me since husband and I started dating over 15 years ago. There are comments here and there over the past 15 years, such as "if this one is not the right one, dump her (referring to me)", "Irene, if it weren't because of my son, you probably won't have the opportunity/chance to travel." (I didn't know I were in the "national no-travel list unless accompanied by a man"). Luckily they live in a different city+country (2 hours flight from us) so I never had to deal with him. So I often am able to let it go, because I know I do not need to actively deal with this person.</p> <p>Since LO was born, I had no choice but to deal with them a lot more often. There are these Facetime calls every weekend and we see them a few times every year. I can tell that he has been trying to be nice to me. But still, due to the past years of mental torture of being "an inferior woman lucky enough to 'serve' in his glorious family", I blow up every of his little comments by 100 times. I got seriously mad when he says things that other people probably would brush it off quickly. And I had the talent to got mad at him at least once every time we see him.</p> <p>In short, I feel that in his eyes, I got promoted from a low life to a hired maid who is lucky enough to raise HIS grandson. No not my son. His grandson.</p> <p>I also want to mention his values are very wrong. There was a time we were at a park sitting on a bench, my son was scared of a big dog that was 20 feet away from us. FIL told him he'd kick the dog if the dog approaches (in which I jumped up and corrected him on the spot). FIL also proclaims their family genes is great, there is no bad apple in his bloodline, so my son will turn out great. Others started naming the "bad apples" in the family just to challenge him, then FIL said, oh that is because of their mother (and her bad genes). All these rubs me the wrong way.</p> <p>We went to visit them last Thanksgiving. All went well except it was my fault that I did say something along the lines that LO isn't eating much. It probably worries him. One night he was very concerned, all frowned and said to the family (passively complaining to me) how his grandson, now a 2 year old, is so skinny, he lost so much weight compared to when he was a baby, and he wanted for "us" to feed him better. I remained quiet and other family members were saying no he is just fine, how do you force a child to eat...etc. but he won't stop, implying that I am failing to raise his grandson well. I got really upset at one point and told him off and I told him to stop. Yes I did. He won't stop. I got up and said, yes. I am starving your grandson. I stood up and left the room, went back to my room (bathroom) and cried for half an hour. I didn't talk to him again and we left the next day.</p> <p>And almost half a year later, I can not physically forgive and forget about this. I have no intention to go there again or even see him over Facetime, but I have no choice because my son won't let me go when grandfather calls. I have told husband to take LO there by himself, and he refused. (He is on my side on this, even though I know he wants me to move on too) </p> <p>I think the reason why I am so mad is because I know there is just no way I can prevent seeing this person for the rest of my life. And when I do see him, he will again say these things that makes me explode. And I am very scared. I would love to have higher EQ and just brush it off like a normal person, but I physically can't. </p> <p>What do you think? Am I really crazy for being so angry? What would you do? </p>