https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 02 May 2026 04:41:43 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790992 Fri, 08 Dec 2017 20:11:58 +0000 dc yoga bee 2790992@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Mine have asked for a new kitchen sink (not joking), a $1000 air compressor, and other wildly inappropriate gifts. MIL is a retired in-house senior fraud accountant, and fil is a COO of a Fortune 500 company. People never cease to amaze me! </p> <p>And no- we bought none of that shit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790940 Fri, 08 Dec 2017 15:58:31 +0000 ShootingStar 2790940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It could be worse - my MIL says all she wants for Christmas for DH to install a new mailbox post. While this may not sound bad, it will take HOURS, especially including that she's 45 minutes away. And it's never just one thing with her. She'll have DH out on the roof doing something crazy like last time.</p> <p>I wish she'd just be happy with a fricken gift card instead of DH having to burn almost an entire day to replace something she already has. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790834 Fri, 08 Dec 2017 10:07:46 +0000 Adira 2790834@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: Yes!! My parents, brother, and I always exchange lists. Our lists are generally pretty long and we know we're not getting everything on our lists, or even half the things on our lists, so it's still a surprise about what you get! And we don't always adhere strictly to the list either, but having a list gives us a good idea about what each person wants and needs, so when we do go off the list, we already have a good idea of the type of thing to get. So you still get some surprises, but you also get stuff you actually want or need. It's awesome! I have no idea why people are so against lists. :P </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790822 Fri, 08 Dec 2017 08:49:29 +0000 SweetiePie 2790822@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: My husband has thought that my family is weird for doing lists for years, yet he’s always annoyed by what his parents get him (and his mom is deeply hurt if we don’t use/like what she gets us which we NEVER like) or trying to think of what to get them. And I always said “why do you all torture yourselves???? Just exchange lists!” It can still be a surprise! If I give my mom and sister a list with 10 things, I don’t know which of those 10 things they’ll choose. But any one of them would be so exciting for me because it’s all things I want or need.<br /> I guess just like some people don’t get why you do lists, I don’t get why people are so opposed! :silly: Seems like such a win win all around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790821 Fri, 08 Dec 2017 08:43:41 +0000 Adira 2790821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: That's an excellent article and I completely agree!</p> <p>The best I've received was my dSLR camera from my husband. It wasn't a surprise at all, because I specifically told him exactly which one I wanted. But it was something I felt uncomfortable spending that much money on myself, so having it gifted to me was AMAZING!! I've been using it for six years and I'm still deeply in love with it and thankful that my husband bought it for me! AND he's thankful that I just told him upfront what I wanted so he didn't have to stress about finding me the perfect gift. This way he's giving me something he KNOWS I will love and he can see how much use I get out of it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790799 Fri, 08 Dec 2017 07:45:47 +0000 SweetiePie 2790799@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don’t have an issue with lists (we do them in my family) or asking for gift cards (just because she CAN buy anything doesn’t mean she DOES. I can too but I feel guilty buying whatever I want all the time).<br /> The unsolicited part would irk me if we’d never done lists before. But at the same time it would be sort of a relief. Because I like to get people something they want and if they tell me then who cares? I’m currently stressed about what to get my inlaws.<br /> Gift giving isn’t about ME feeling good about finding the perfect gift. It’s about the recipient getting what they want and feeling good that they got what they want and me knowing they’ll enjoy it. </p> <p>Here’s an excellent article about it. An excerpt first:</p> <p>“One of the best gifts I’ve ever received came from my wife, Jessica, on Christmas in 2011: a pair of black Ralph Lauren jeans, made of an overdyed, heavyweight selvedge denim with a polyurethane coating that gave it a slight luster. As I tore off the paper, I knew exactly what I was unwrapping, and that they would fit just as I hoped, slim but not skinny. They were exactly what I wanted—which came as no surprise to Jessica, because I had told her just that, several weeks earlier.</p> <p>Was I surprised by those black jeans? Not at all. Was I delighted? Deeply, and I continue to be, six years later, when I pull them on and pause to remember who gave them to me.</p> <p>It’s common to think that giving someone a gift they’ve asked for is somehow less thoughtful than coming up with an idea on your own. Researchers from Carnegie Mellon University and Indiana University found that gift givers often focus on the moment of exchange, and define their success partly by their ability to surprise the receiver. But that moment is fleeting. A good gift, one that the recipient will use and appreciate, is not.</p> <p>When it comes to gift-giving, the research shows, surprise is overrated. And as my black jeans prove, the agonizing labor of trying to figure out what to buy a loved one is completely unnecessary. We can just ask—and then give them what they ask for.</p> <p>Why, then, do we obsess about whether it’s Grinch-like to just buy someone a present they asked for? Because we’re making it about us. In 2011, a series of studies in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology determined that givers often focus on finding gifts that demonstrate how considerate they are, rather than just considering what the recipient actually wants.”</p> <p><a href="https://quartzy.qz.com/1128441/theres-a-simple-selfless-genius-to-gifts-that-dont-aim-to-surprise-or-impress/" rel="nofollow">https://quartzy.qz.com/1128441/theres-a-simple-selfless-genius-to-gifts-that-dont-aim-to-surprise-or-impress/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790788 Fri, 08 Dec 2017 05:59:23 +0000 Becky 2790788@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m on the fence about this. If you always exchange adult gifts, is it possible she’s received things in the past she hasn’t been crazy about and knowing you are going to spend money on her no matter what would prefer you didn’t spend it on something that would go to waste?</p> <p>We give our parents Shutterfly calendars. We are tight on money and no one expects anything else. My husband’s sibs don’t exchange gifts. My one sister and I sort of do. And like someone else said my mom will ask what I want and get specifically that. While this isn’t a “surprise” we have had so many years where I’ve had to return clothes and I don’t have time for that, and it’s also really her just helping me out as we are tight on money during a time of year when it’s not weird to be buying your adult kids clothes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790784 Fri, 08 Dec 2017 00:22:51 +0000 ALV91711 2790784@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it is horrible to receive a wish list from people you are exchanging gifts with. I like to get ideas of what people I'm gifting to want, it doesn't mean you have to get those. </p> <p>I ask for gift cards for certain stores. Either it is for something I don't want to spend my money on or to go towards a bigger ticket item. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790781 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 23:30:34 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2790781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think sending an unsolicited gift list of any sort is tacky. Even with showers it's sent by the host not the recipient. </p> <p>It's a gift, grown adults should be paying their own way for things they really want and/or need. I just do not understand being upset by not getting a specific requested/wanted gift. So silly! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790715 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 14:56:59 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2790715@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Came back to this thread just to say as much as a GC is the best gift ever, I would dare not ask someone to give me one the same way I wouldn’t ask someone for the actual gift I would use the GC for. Case in point: like @foodnerd81: sometimes thoughtful gifts miss the mark. MIL likes to gift. She finally wore me out and I told her something I would use- travel coffee mug. Well she bought a travel mug that doesn’t hold hot liquid and has some weird saying on it. She tried. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790709 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 14:39:06 +0000 Foodnerd81 2790709@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know a lot of people who would really prefer gift cards to thoughtful gifts. And who hate picking out gifts. I try to cater my gift giving to the recipient- some people LIKE personal, thoughtful gifts and love the thought behind it as much as the gift itself (sounds like you, @Meowkers: ). But some people are really super picky and want to pick out their own stuff or would feel bad asking for the very specific or expensive item they really want - like the cashmere sweater- you could find a lovely one for $50 and she would feel bad asking for the $200 one she really wants but honestly won’t wear the cheaper one and would feel bad you spent time and money on picking it out. </p> <p>Or you have the worst category which is wanting people to spend time and effort picking something out but then they are so picky they inevitably end up returning it anyway. (My husband :bummed: ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790708 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 14:38:16 +0000 psw27 2790708@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmmm... so after reading the responses I'm so torn on my response! On one hand, I think it's weird to send a gift list around unsolicited, especially if the gift list is useless! On the other hand, I am SO that cheap person who won't buy myself something that I can easily afford but will totally buy it if I have gift cards (like so many others have said - books, fun stuff at Sephora, cozy new jammies, etc.)</p> <p>I think it depends on the relationship you have with SMIL. If she's a money grabber who annoys you, then read the situation as that. If she's someone who doesn't splurge on herself, read the situation as that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790689 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 14:07:45 +0000 Dahlia 2790689@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH's brothers always put insanely expensive gifts on the Christmas lists. I think they think it's funny? Drives me nuts though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790687 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 13:57:13 +0000 wrkbrk 2790687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Littlebit7: Laughed out loud at your response! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790686 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 13:56:29 +0000 Adira 2790686@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BadgerMom: Yes, THIS!</p> <p>Sure, I COULD just buy the 30+ books I want to read, but I don't actually want to spend my money that way, even though I have it. Getting some of those books for Christmas is AWESOME because then I have them.</p> <p>I honestly hate it when people buy me stuff I don't want or need, and I don't understand why some people insist on doing that. Isn't the whole point of giving gifts to do something kind and thoughtful for another person? If you know they want something in particular but then purposely ignore it and do what YOU want, how is that doing something kind and thoughtful?? It seems kind of selfish to feel like the way YOU give gifts is best and so the receiver just needs to suck it up and be grateful when you knew in advance they wouldn't be thrilled with what you were doing.</p> <p>That said, I still 100% stand by the fact that offering up unsolicited gift suggestions is RUDE. If you didn't ask them what they wanted, they shouldn't tell you. Period. But I'm curious if they've been trying to hint to you this whole gift list thing for years and you've just been ignoring them? I've certainly been hinting to my in-laws that I'd prefer to share gift lists with them and they are 100% ignoring me, which is frustrating. But I'm not going to give them a list since it absolutely would be rude to do so! I'll just continue to put their gifts in the donate pile. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790683 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 13:36:33 +0000 agold 2790683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think sending someone a gift wish list without being asked for it is over the top tacky regardless of what is on the list. I really like @gingerbebe: 's suggested response. </p> <p>Regarding gift cards... I am not opposed to gift cards for certain people. My husband and my mom's husband are both golf addicts. They only thing they request every year for every gift-giving event is gift cards to one specific golf store. So, that's usually what I give, or a pick out an item from that specific store and give a gift receipt so they can return if they want and pick out what they want. Sometimes I give my BIL an amazon gift card as a supplemental gift. And I personally would be happy to receive a gift card. All that being said, I don't think I would ask someone to give me a gift card. Seems tacky to ask for it. (Unless you are a golf-addicted man, I guess! :silly: ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790677 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 13:18:33 +0000 hilary 2790677@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think you have to get what she suggested, but for an alternative view: I'm an adult who could theoretically buy what I wanted but am cheap. So my mom always asks if we want money or presents. I always pick money and then my mom and I go shopping together in January. So it's a fun outing and we're both sitting there spending our Christmas cash. I know it sounds ridiculous but then none of the shopping seems frivolous because it was a gift. Bonus is that we get to shop together. My dad I almost always get an Amazon card because he loves technology which translates into expensive. Sometimes we buy him something expensive, sometimes we give him a gc so he can splurge on his item. He would never buy some of these things if he didn't have gift cards to cover the expense because it's not necessary spending. So basically my whole family is cheap so we like $ gifts . :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790671 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 13:09:47 +0000 Littlebit7 2790671@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>After receiving that list I'd send a fruit basket and a generic card along with a massive amount of eye roll.<br /> I think parents telling their kids what they want (essentially cash) for Xmas is incredibly weird. Unless there was significant financial hardship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790668 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 13:06:45 +0000 erinbaderin 2790668@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's weird and rude that they sent this unsolicited, but I don't see a problem with asking for gift cards. Maybe she doesn't need anything right now and will just use it for a future purchase, maybe she wants to subsidize something bigger - when my parents asked me what my husband wanted for his birthday I told them he would really just love money, because he wanted to buy a pair of $500 shoes but couldn't justify the cost. I don't see why you'd have no problem buying her a sweater but when she just wants the money a sweater would cost you're upset about it. THAT being said, a gift list should always be treated as a list of suggestions, and if you don't feel like you need or want help you should go your own way.</p> <p>I also ask for gift cards because I love reading, I mostly use a Kindle, and so this lets me splurge on a book shopping spree without having to carry a book in my purse all the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790667 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:59:53 +0000 BadgerMom 2790667@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Although, I completely understand where you're coming from, I dunno... Just to offer an alternate perspective... I know personally my mom could also buy herself anything she wants whenever she wants it, but that doesn't mean she actually does. For some reason she hates spending "real money" on kindle books but LOVES getting Amazon gift cards to use on them. It makes absolutely zero sense to me, but she gets so excited when she gets an amazon gift card so she can buy one of the books on her list.</p> <p>ETA. I also think this may have something to do with incompatible Love Languages. Being that you like to give gifts with thought and attention, you probably have a gift giving love language. But it sounds like maybe your MIL doesn't really have the gift receiving love language. It may make her uncomfortable to receive something that isn't EXACTLY what she wanted especially knowing that you put a lot of thought into it. I dunno... I'm not saying that one way is better or one way is right and the other is wrong. It just is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790666 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:59:37 +0000 Truth Bombs 2790666@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband's family is super into asking everyone what they want and then buying them exactly what they said. I don't really get it. If someone is going to buy me a gift, I'd rather they buy me something thoughtful that they thought I would like. I hate the pressure to come up with ideas and then just be given exactly what I finally came up with, when I could have just bought it for myself and saved everyone the trouble. If any grown adult (well off or not!) sent me an unsolicited wish lists for Amazon gift cards I would have a hard time not being really snarky in response. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790662 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:48:22 +0000 wrkbrk 2790662@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: Yes, I would be irritated. That is weird - both sets of parents say NOTHING when we ask them what they want, or pictures of DS or something. I would laugh out loud if they sent us a wish list for gift cards!?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790660 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:47:02 +0000 Ms. RV 2790660@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How about a $1 Amazon gift card? If I were in your shoes I would so want to do that (but probably wouldn't have the guts!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790656 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:39:29 +0000 PawPrints 2790656@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: Yes that's what I was assuming. I still don't think you need to acknowledge it.</p> <p>[edit] I completely agree with you about the gift cards, I would hate it if I ended up just exchanging gift cards with a close relative every year. Gift cards are okay for daycare teachers etc. but for people you're close to, picking out a thoughtful gift is the whole point.</p> <p>[edit 2] The reason I asked if FIL's gift ideas were more useful is - I'm wondering if the two of them maybe decided it would be helpful for them to provide wish lists, but MIL had a hard time coming up with anything specific, and they just decided to send the lists as-is rather than delay getting them to you any longer. Since, yes, it is absurd for a wealthy adult woman to ask her DIL for a gift card. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790652 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:33:36 +0000 Meowkers 2790652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: they sent it to him but we give all gifts jointly and I usually do all the shopping. </p> <p>@Adira: nope we didn't ask. It was completely unsolicited. I like adult gifting if there is thought behind it. I'm not ok with a money exchange when everyone has their own money and can afford whatever they want. What's the point? </p> <p>@Anagram: my husband is super passive about stuff like this. He just doesn't care at all. </p> <p>I'm fine with giving money to someone who could really use it (a kid, a college student, a new parent) but does a woman who lives in a million dollar home really need me to give her $100? If she asked for Something more general like "cashmere sweater" or "flannel sheets" or a watch I'd be so happy to put in thought to get her something she would like. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790649 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:25:02 +0000 MaryM 2790649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: agree </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790648 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:24:21 +0000 Anagram 2790648@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Eh, I don't know. We don't do adult gifts in my family so this would be odd for either of our families. But it seems like a lot of people on HB are fairly well off but still give their families very specific gift lists and/or it seems that some people get upset when they aren't gifted something they really want, so.....I don't know.</p> <p>It kind of depends on your family culture. Like we don't do gift lists, we do small value gifts only, and we are generally grateful for anything we would get even if it's not our style or something we really need. But I know that's not the case in other families and some people also see gifts as a measure of how much they are liked or get along, so if gifts are your inlaws love language, maybe this is their style. What does your husband say? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790646 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:21:59 +0000 Adira 2790646@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I mean... it's rude to just send someone your gift wish-list without them asking for it, but I'm a BIG fan of lists! I hate that my in-laws refuse to take the bait I give them every year and tell me what they want! But a wish-list have a variety of items ranging in costs so you can get what you want within your budget.</p> <p>As for your SMIL - did you ask her what she wanted and she asked for a gift card? Or did she offer that info unsolicited? If it was the latter, then again, rude. BUT I personally wouldn't be put off by this. Every year my grandparents write me a check for Christmas and I get them a gift card, so we're basically just exchanging money. But I don't think either of us mind the arrangement! It would be weird to just not get each other anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790645 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:21:26 +0000 PawPrints 2790645@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really love wish lists because they make shopping so much easier, but if the only thing MIL wants is a gift card that kind of defeats the purpose. Was FIL's list more helpful? Since they sent to DH and not to you, I don't think you need to acknowledge the lists at all. Just go with whatever you were planning to give. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/inappropriate-xmas-gift-request#post-2790643 Thu, 07 Dec 2017 12:14:26 +0000 gingerbebe 2790643@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just say "thank you for the suggestions, but we've already finished Christmas shopping!" and leave it at that. </p>