https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 19 May 2026 06:38:50 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006879 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 18:17:39 +0000 autumn865 1006879@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Awe I remember feeling these EXACT feelings that early. No amount of preparation could prepare you for taking care of your LO 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You find yourself questioning everything. I know it's easier said than done but give yourself a break. You're brand new at this mom thing and you are doing great! Your LO will go through daddy soothing phases then the next week mommy soothing phases then no one soothing phases. The one thing with babies is that nothing ever stays the same and life this day will change the next. Those first weeks are really hard (and to top it off you have to do it with poor sleep!) You will work through things and you'll feel into a better groove soon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006585 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:14:04 +0000 Cherrybee 1006585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for all the support, everyone. I've had a much better day today (although the days are always better than the nights). We haven't had any visitors for only the second time ever since we brought DD home from the hospital and I've stayed in my PJs all day (for the first time in my adult life)! I've made sure to have plenty of sleepy cuddle time with DD instead of settling her into her moses basket religiously (good habits and all that), which has definitely helped me feel closer to her and more positive about our relationship. Fingers crossed tonight will be easier than last night!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006577 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 15:02:02 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 1006577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could have written most if your post when DD was a newborn. It always seemed DH could make things right and I couldn't. It tore at me. He even said the same thing as your DH. I think you noted part of the problem... You're a perfectionist (so am I), and it is so hard to be that way with a baby. Trust me, you'll get the hang of it. </p> <p>Oh, in the case of the bottles, I found it was easier to microwave the water for 17 sec and then add the formula, than it was for me to heat it in the bottle warmer for over a minute. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006509 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 14:09:00 +0000 MrsF 1006509@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As others have said - these feelings are completely normal and totally night your fault. I really relied on DH in the early days. I think my postpartum anxiety made it very difficult for me to take care of the baby. I had no confidence and felt so out of control. DH didn't have all those crazy hormones and was able to just step in and get things done. It was hard at the time, but after a little while I was so much more on top of things, and DH was still a confident father. It's great to have a husband who knows how to take care of his baby! </p> <p>The most important thing: It gets SO SO SO much better. I thought I had made a huge mistake and would never be happy again. Now I love my life. *Hugs!* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006496 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 13:56:30 +0000 blackbird 1006496@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Normal!!! I remember crying to DH about this! About how I couldn't soothe her and had no idea what she wanted. He said she could sense my anxiety and to try to block out her crying. He kept reminding me that babies cry, it's what they do, and you can't always fix it because sometimes they just wanna cry. Anyways, it did get better and now I can almost always soothe her quickly. But sometimes she will just cry and ain't nobody can help her </p> <p>Crying for the 3 min bottle warmer was the WORST! We started giving room temperature bottles and its much easier. I highly recommend this option-who says milk has to be warm?!</p> <p>Ps two nights ago? I had nothing under control and DH took her from me. It sucked but babies are stinkers sometimes!! It's ok! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006420 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 13:19:52 +0000 Silva 1006420@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I just wanted to stop in and say it gets SO much better. And quickly, too. They are learning and changing so much that in even a week things will be totally different. You are doing a great job, and your babe is lucky to have a mom who cares so much </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006411 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 13:15:57 +0000 deerylou 1006411@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When we first discovered that I was having major supply issues, and DD had lost weight and developed jaundice as a result, I felt poisonous. For a few days, I just wanted DH to mind her, because I felt that anytime I intervened, I was hurting her. When we started supplementing (and, eventually feeding her primarily) with formula, I felt out of place - did she even need me? What was the point of a mother who couldn't feed from the breast, and didn't have to magic touch to cure tears?</p> <p>Eventually, you come out of it. Now that DH has gone back to work, I spend my days caring and comforting DD - we've developed quite the bond, and, truth be told, being in my arms is often the only way to soothe her. </p> <p>I've been there; its normal. Just know that you're doing your best, and its a total learning curve. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006342 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 12:20:25 +0000 ALV91711 1006342@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sending some hugs. It is hard in the beginning. Remember this is all new for her too. You are doing a great job and it sounds like you have great support from your DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006329 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 12:08:11 +0000 Lindsay05 1006329@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are doing amazing! You can already recognize your babies needs, changed her feeding because you had to and IT is whats best for your baby, plus you are recognizing that parenting is difficult. These are all very amazing things and you should be proud for figuring all of this out so soon. Things do get better trust me. Cry when you need to and dont ever blame yourself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006294 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 11:32:46 +0000 maybebaby 1006294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Hugs to you. You, my dear, are doing an amazing job. New babies are so so hard. Their only way of telling us they need something is by crying, which is gut-wrenching when we don't know how to fix it right away. There were several nights when we got home from the hospital that I broke down sobbing in the middle of the night. I didn't know how to soothe him. I felt like a terrible mother. I was sleep deprived and at my wits end. I felt like DH was a more natural parent than I was and at times, never out loud, I wondered--what have I done? I can't undo this--I wasn't meant to have a child--this was a huge mistake!! I felt this way at times up until about week 4/5. LO is 10 weeks old now. I love him more than I can express. We have figured each other out more, I know how to attend to his needs better, and MOST excitingly--he can SMILE! I cannot tell you how much better everything is when your baby can smile at you, which is their way of telling you "I love you, mom, and you are doing a great job of taking care of me. Thank you."</p> <p>It does sound like you have a touch of the baby blues--keep being open with your DH about how you're feeling. I promise it will get better. And before you know it, you'll be looking back on those newborn days with a veil of a nostalgia, missing them. I can't believe I do, when living through them was a lot of hell at the time! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006277 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 11:13:04 +0000 hummusgirl 1006277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I actually heard the most safe way was not to mix ahead of time (but who knows? so frustrating that there's a ton of info on BFing out there but very little on formula! but that's a tangent for another day...). Anyway, we just used a Brita pitcher to filter room temp tap water (which is probably not even necessary, straight from tap is supposed to be fine too as long as it's not from a well). Then we put just the water (4oz) in bottles on our nightstand, and separately measured the right amount of scoops into a formula dispenser kind of like this:<br /> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Powdered-Formula-Dispenser-Colors/dp/B000RFCXIK" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Powdered-Formula-Dispenser-Colors/dp/B000RFCXIK</a> </p> <p>Then, when the baby woke up, my husband or I would groggily dump the formula into the bottle which already had water, shake and feed. Super easy and fast. </p> <p>I have heard that the pre-made formula is sterile and powdered is not, so it's good to use the pre-made for the first month. More info here if you're interested:<br /> <a href="http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/2011/10/the-fff-quick-and-dirty-guide-to-formula-feeding-mixing-bottles/" rel="nofollow">http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/2011/10/the-fff-quick-and-dirty-guide-to-formula-feeding-mixing-bottles/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006228 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 10:53:11 +0000 charlotte 1006228@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Fellow perfectionist here! </p> <p>I felt everything that you feel and for me, it did get better when I was on my own. I am really bad about needing to seem like "I've got this!" so having anyone watching, even my wonderful husband, made me feel like I was under a microscope. And having to admit that I was just dead tired and wanted him to help out made me feel like I was a terrible person. WHY? It is his baby too and he said he actually liked getting to see him at night too. :) Especially after he went back to work and didn't get all the daytime fun with him. </p> <p>We do formula now as well, in a Dr. Brown's bottle warmer which takes a little bit to heat up. Now that my little one is a bit older he cracks me up because he alternates between fake crying and laughing while waiting for it. But when he was nearly brand new and only knew "I AM HANGRY, I WILL CRY!!!" I felt like I could not move fast enough and I was failing him and it was horrible. I would be on edge like "should I go ahead and make it just incase so I don't have to face the wrath!?" In the moment it is so hard to remember that they are just communicating the only way they know how and its not a reflection on me personally!</p> <p>Anyway, sorry that turned into a bit of a ramble but everything you are feeling is 100% normal and it will get better I promise! You are amazing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006214 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 10:46:38 +0000 Bookish 1006214@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: This was normal for me for the first few weeks. Every time she cried, I cried. Big ugly cries. I felt completely useless, and it upset me SO much when I couldn't fix her like, immediately!! It's only in the last week or so that I've realized sometimes nothing I do will help, and it's ok! Just making sure she is clean, safe, warm, and fed is sometimes all we can do. I've even started to find the humor in her cries, because sometimes she's just crying to be a butthead, and it's pretty funny! Hang in there. :)</p> <p>BTW, I mix up a bottle of formula ahead of time and stick it in the fridge. It's good for 24hrs that way, and it saves us a bit of time late at night. Oh, and I don't use hot water, just cold filtered water. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006204 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 10:42:36 +0000 heartonastring 1006204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Remember she's not solely your responsibility. It's okay for your DH to wake up in the middle of the night sometimes.</p> <p>I'm a perfectionist too and, in the beginning, I really struggled with sharing the responsibility, because for some reason I thought since I was the mother I had to do it ALL. But that's not the way parenting needs to work. Be grateful for a partner who wants to co-parent and take advantage of the time that gives you to yourself (as little as it may be at the moment). My DH's involvement has saved my sanity. </p> <p>Don't carry all the weight on your shoulders! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006157 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 10:13:35 +0000 Cherrybee 1006157@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: We are using pre made formula and make up a few bottles at a time. They have to be kept in the fridge so the warming, really, is just to take the cold edge off and bring up to room temp. I want to move to powder (its more affordable) but I was under the impression they couldn't be made in advance and had to be made with hot water to kill bacteria which had started growing in the powder? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006150 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 10:10:56 +0000 mjane 1006150@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I felt like this exactly and I was breast feeding! After a few weeks it was MUCH better, and now I'm grateful to have a partner who can soothe her instead of feeling anxious about it. But it took a little while. It will get better and this is so normal! Bit that is not to say it doesn't suck now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006144 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 10:08:47 +0000 Cherrybee 1006144@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@brownie: That sounds horrendous and certainly puts my situation into perspective. Mine cries for maybe 3 hrs in 24 and always because she is hungry or windy. I think if she went for 12 hrs Id have a complete breakdown. I cant blame ylu for doing whayever works. She does settle better in bed with us but DH is such a heavy sleeper, he rolls onto me sometimes and doesn't wake up sand often pushes me right to the edge of the bed so I'm hanging off it - it would be too dangerous!!! </p> <p>@grizz: I like that quote! Its really true. DH calls her his high decibel shit cannon! </p> <p>@Foodnerd81: Hi from the trenches! Hows it going with lovely little C? Yeah DH has proven himself to be even more awesome than I realised. He is so good with her and with me when I'm struggling. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006142 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 10:06:45 +0000 littleveesmommy 1006142@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First - *hug*. When DD was an infant oftentimes DH could settle her more easily than I. Or at least he took it in stride rather than panicky me. It also takes time to learn your babies cries so don't be too hard on yourself. Your DD is a completely new change to your life and changes take time to adjust. Just hang in there and I'm glad to hear your DH is such a great support system! And you've got all of HB too. =) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006130 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 10:01:00 +0000 hummusgirl 1006130@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Like everyone else said, you are SO NOT CRAP! The fact that your husband is an equal partner in this is a good thing and over the long term will set such a good example for your daughter. After all, we want to teach our kids to learn by doing, not expect them to be perfect the first time and get anxious if they're not! You're doing great and it will get better as the weeks go on. </p> <p>On a practical note, have you considered giving her formula at room temp? We did the pre-mixed 2oz bottles in the early weeks where you just put a nipple on the bottle and go. Later we switched to powder and we'd pre-measure the water into bottles and the powder in a special container, and then have it on our nightstands ready to mix when LO woke up. It still takes 30 seconds but it took that long to get in nursing position anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006092 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 09:44:08 +0000 brownie 1006092@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son screamed for 12-15 hours ever day for the first 3 months. I sent him to daycare so I wouldn't have to deal with it. At night we let him scream in his crib (he screamed in arms or crib so at least we got some sleep). I had no idea what to do. We were able to breastfed but that only made it worse. </p> <p>Babies are so hard and we are supposed to have all the answers and we don't. I felt (and often still feel: today my potty trained kid would not pee on the potty agh) that way often. </p> <p>It won't kill her to cry. It won't kill her to sleep in your arms or your bed or the floor. She will survive and they are resilient. Decide what is most important for you and go from there. We decided my sleep was most important so he co beds with us. But we worked hard on feedings because not having issues with food was important to US. Yes one day we will have to fight the sleep fight and it may be harder but we will go there when the time comes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006089 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 09:43:56 +0000 Boheme 1006089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, Cherrybee. You are NOT crap. You are the best mama that sweet little E could ask for! All babies cry as newborns, and sometimes I think they don't even know why they're crying! Just keep at it and it will get easier. Do not feel guilty for asking for help from your DH or anyone else :heart: </p> <p>I saw someone post this elsewhere on the boards and it has helped me so much - they said newborns are like fire alarms. They go off at the same volume whether its a burnt piece of toast or the building is burning down! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006072 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 09:33:39 +0000 Smurfette 1006072@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is so hard when nothing you do gets them to stop crying. You are not crap. Those first three months are hard!! But things will get better. Hugs!!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006048 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 09:19:38 +0000 Foodnerd81 1006048@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have any advice but I certainly have sympathy since I'm right here in the weeds with you. And when C cries it really does just break your heart even when you know in your head that babies cry and its ok. But E knows you love her just like C knows I love her and the rest has to get better. </p> <p>It sounds like your husband is a great support which makes me really happy for you. First the prison break and now this- he sounds like a good partner in all this. You'll get through it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006021 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 09:05:30 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1006021@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, normal! All normal feelings. Not that they are TRUE, because they aren't. But I felt that way too. I told my husband I wished F was still inside me because it was easier to take care of him that way. I was resentful that my husband was a better "parent", but really he's not better. He has A) less hormones racing through his body and B) puts less pressure on himself. </p> <p>Moms are NOT supposed to know how to do everything perfectly, prevent all crying, and know what their new baby needs within seconds. That is a load of baloney and I hate that we're fed that idea in our culture. </p> <p>It sounds like you're having a hard time with not breastfeeding, but try to give yourself grace with that. Formula feeding has its troubles, but breastfeeding isn't a magic crying cure. And crying is okay. I hated hated hated the sound of F crying. I could not handle it, I'd do anything to get him to stop. It's visceral, you know? Over time I've been able to tell myself that if he's crying, he's just talking to me - like when I'm sad/ticked off and all I want to do is vent to someone about it.</p> <p>It'll get better. You are not crap. You are the very best mother your little girl has, because you are HER mother. You grew her and cared for her for many months and you'll keep doing that. She loves you. For real. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006017 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 09:03:54 +0000 Espion 1006017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Those first three weeks were SO HARD. I couldn't even recognize hungry/tired/gassy, because I figured they were all "hungry" due to having trouble with breastfeeding. Everyone said that it will get better with time, and it does. It really does. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1006002 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 08:59:07 +0000 Cherrybee 1006002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks peops. I'm a grade A perfectionist and beat myself up when things don't click immediately. My baby shouldn't need to cry!!! My DH shouldn't have to wake up in the night because I should have it all under control. She even cries in her sleep, you know? (she's dreaming about how unhappy she is because her dreadful mother makes her wait for her bottles to be warmed!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1005990 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 08:49:37 +0000 MsLipGloss 1005990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh hon! Sometimes there is *nothing* you can do to make your LO stop crying. Nothing. Not a gosh darn stinkin thing. Just because she is crying doesn't mean that you are unable to comfort her. She absolutely is comforted by your presence, and she can feel your love for her in every touch, cuddle, rock, shoosh, and swaddle. Your LO could not possibly be loved more. </p> <p>You have been through so much, and have fought so hard for your LO every single day. It will get better--so much better!--very soon, and your LO won't cry as much. They all do, in the beginning, and it is so devastating to us as mothers! I know that it was for me . . . I also cried along with my DD on more than one occasion. And then one day (right around 8 weeks), I noticed that there was so much less crying. And it has gotten progressively better (and better and better).</p> <p>Hang in there mama! We will be here for you no matter what. Big ((hugs)). :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1005973 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 08:41:39 +0000 DillonLion 1005973@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Babies cry! It is not indicitive of your mothering skills. You are still getting to know each other and will improve with your soothing skills as time goes on. No one just jumps in and is a perfect mom from the get go. Nursing is not a solve-all for everyone, I promise! Hang in there, it will get better. It sounds like your DH is a great support system for you. And we are here anytime you need to talk </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1005972 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 08:40:59 +0000 heartonastring 1005972@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So normal!</p> <p>You're all still getting to know one another. It takes time. And babies just cry sometimes, even when you're doing everything possible to soothe them. The early weeks are so very hard, but you're doing a great job. Hang in there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/irrational-feelings-of-utter-uselessness#post-1005967 Sat, 10 Aug 2013 08:34:39 +0000 avivoca 1005967@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sweetie, you are NOT crap. All three of you are still learning, and it will take time. Please don't beat yourself up. You are a wonderful mother, a wonderful fighter, and it will be okay. </p>