https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 02 May 2026 06:19:11 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849230 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 12:34:33 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2849230@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: I haven't been in this situation but based on what you said here, I can't see this being selfish in any way! So sorry you're dealing with this during the newborn days! (Obviously, and at all, but especially now with a big transition on your plate.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849228 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 12:19:11 +0000 youboots 2849228@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I highly recommend seeing a therapist is you can swing it. I went not contact with one of my parent 2.5 years ago. It’s been so freeing. I did not expect it to be a forever situation but now we have moved cross country so unless something major changes or some significant effort is made. Therapy helped me set up healthy boundaries. I’m taking care of my daughter and myself and our little family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849222 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 11:48:31 +0000 LCTBQE 2849222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: this is really so hard, and I commend you for dealing with it in a level-headed way. I agree with everyone else that it's not "selfish". hate that word, hate that you'd feel guilty for taking care of yourself, hate that as women we go there and conclude that if we're not putting everyone else first we're selfish. Fuck that. I'd go beyond that it's an unselfish decision and say you kind of *have* to set firmer boundaries here, I don't think you even have much of a choice. I wish gingerbebe was around to comment on this because I recall she dealt with similar difficulties and she was so clear with what was needed.</p> <p>I have difficult parents too, although bipolar disorder is exceptionally tough :heart: I dread the holidays and visits at large and am so jealous of people who are all breezy like, "oh my mom watches the kids on Wednesdays and when we go on long weekends for our anniversary". That world is so totally not my world. Wouldn't it be nice. </p> <p>@Mama Bird: "I'll go down with that ship, and barely make a dent in their problems. I feel bad that the main feeling they inspire in me is desire to be somewhere else" --this x1000, lady. It took me a long time to accept that I can't fix my folks and that I'm not a sack of shit of a human because I refuse to try anymore. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849193 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 09:56:24 +0000 crazydoglady 2849193@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: @SweetCaroline: @Adira: @Ajsmommy: Thank you. The support means a lot. ❤ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849192 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 09:55:36 +0000 crazydoglady 2849192@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LindsayInNY: @codeitall: @MamaBear87: Thank you. I should clarify that I didnt know about her recent manic episode until she was at my house. I told her she didn't seem like she was doing well and she started crying and defensively asked if I wanted her to leave. At that point, I didn't know what to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849170 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 08:46:06 +0000 LindsayInNY 2849170@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I like @codeitall:'s advice too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849169 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 08:45:23 +0000 LindsayInNY 2849169@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First off, hugs. Second, it is not selfish at all. I don't see my immediate family that often but when I do, it can be trying on me (probably doesn't help that I don't see them often). My sister and my mom both have mental health issues and, with my sister, I find I don't have it in me to be sympathetic any more. I can't pity things. So you are NOT alone.</p> <p>Anyways, what stood out to me... You said above: "the thing is, she knew she was having a manic episode before she came here today but still came." I think you need to protect yourself in those instances. Even when she insists she's fine and can do whatever you have planned, refuse. Wait it out until she's a bit more removed from the issues (the manic episode, hospitalization, etc.). And, honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that you need to protect your son from witnessing certain things at his age. Maybe limit interactions to in-home or "safer" ones where things are less likely to happen? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849145 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 06:59:14 +0000 Ajsmommy 2849145@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you are not at all selfish.. your perspective changes when you have kids and you become their protector. Do what you have to do and what you feel is right with no guilt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849134 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 05:51:46 +0000 Adira 2849134@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think for your OWN mental health, a time out is in order! Please don't feel guilty for doing what's best for you and your family. &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849129 Thu, 04 Oct 2018 01:56:58 +0000 SweetCaroline 2849129@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: This sounds really difficult. You know what? I think you are doing a fantastic job, and exactly what a mama is supposed to do. You are not being selfish, you are doing everything in your power to protect your children. Hugs, my thoughts are with you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849101 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 21:33:41 +0000 Mrsbells 2849101@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:heart: I knew that dealing With loved ones with mental illness is really hard. There is no right answer but taking care of yourself first and protecting yourself from the emotional is the top priority. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849083 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 20:08:04 +0000 crazydoglady 2849083@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: Yes. So much of this. I'm sorry you find yourself in the same boat and I hope you are able to find some sort of balance between having a relationship with your parents and protecting your kids. I don't want my kids to resent me for keeping them from their grandparents, but...you know how it goes. It's not like my parents want to be mentally ill, but it's not something my kids need to witness either. I think boundaries and a little time apart is needed. Hugs. Being a parentified child sucks. ❤ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849072 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:42:47 +0000 MamaBear87 2849072@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: the fact that she knew and came anyway I think for sure means you need to take some time. And maybe have a frank discussion with your parents that you do not want your children to experience bad days with them </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849065 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:15:58 +0000 codeitall 2849065@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Even if you don't do a timeout, it sounds like you need to have a discussion with your parents about what you want your children exposed to. If you don't want them exposed to any manic episodes, your parents need to know where you draw the line. Have a process before you get together to look for red flags.</p> <p>I'm looking at this like any other behavior adults do, people know their triggers and are able to self-assess. If someone was feeling physically ill, they should know and tell you they weren't fit for whatever. I'm not sure how this applies to mental disorders, so take it with a grain of salt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849064 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 18:14:13 +0000 Mama Bird 2849064@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get everything you're saying so much. I've made a similar choice to see my parents more than I would like, so they could have the joy of being grandparents, and now I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew. </p> <p>It's draining. I feel bad for them because of all the ways they don't have their act together, but feel I can't fill the gaps for three adults who live 40 minutes away - I'll go down with that ship, and barely make a dent in their problems. I feel bad that the main feeling they inspire in me is desire to be somewhere else, but I also worry that if I relax and accept them as they are, I'll not be able to protect the kids. And I've been so good at hiding my feelings that DH, bless him, has gotten all lovey and cosy with his in-laws and will ask them to watch DS on school holidays without checking with me. And now I'm going to pieces and can't deal with having to see them at every holiday, never mind the idea of them watching my kid that often. </p> <p>I don't know if I've made a huge mistake in not staying far, far away from them to start with. In my defense, I was making this decision five years ago, and a lot has changed since. It's a different world. Anyhow, I totally get wanting an unspoken break - no drama about how "you don't want to see your parents any more," just subtle ways to get more breathing room. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849039 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:37:23 +0000 crazydoglady 2849039@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaBear87: @Sams Mom: @mrsbubbletea: @pachamama: @nutmeg36: Thank you all for the support. I think I need some time to myself...the thing is, she knew she was having a manic episode before she came here today but still came. </p> <p>@nutmeg36: Thank you for saying that. Having a parent with bipolar is so hard and you are right that it's ok to step away when needed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849031 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 16:11:35 +0000 smuckers 2849031@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: First of all, it's the opposite of selfish. You're not doing this for yourself, you're doing it for your kids. It's your job to protect them from trauma by learning from your experiences as a kid yourself, and that's exactly what you're trying to do. </p> <p>Secondly, no one but you and your partner are "entitled" to your DD's newborn days. You're not depriving them of anything; in fact, the time you've given them is a gift!</p> <p>My dad is bipolar, and we've had periods of TOs when he's not been healthy. It's unfortunate, and it makes me sad when it has to happen, but I've never regretted doing it. So much love, so much support :heart: :heart: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849020 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:36:13 +0000 pachamama 2849020@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my. This is a lot. Both parents mentally unstable? I really feel for you because they are our parents and we know they have the best of intentions... but I do agree it's hard to let your kids be exposed to that. I am fiercely protective of my son seeing my mom's ugly side. She is also a little unwell (semi-hoarder, has no boundaries, depressed) and more than anything, she affects ME negatively, putting me in a bad mood for my kid. So it's honestly better to be away from her sometimes so I can be my best self for my family ya know? Always make sure she loves you but remember you and your family first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849016 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:30:53 +0000 mrsbubbletea 2849016@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This sounds so tough! You definitely need to set some mental boundaries for yourself and your sanity, and protecting your kids. Don't worry about taking away the newborn days from your mom...what about from yourself! Be kind to yourself, you sound like such a loving daughter and mother. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849013 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:25:51 +0000 Sams Mom 2849013@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: I am coming into this with a very biased opinion because we are no contact with my in laws, the main root being FIL's NPD/Cluster B problems; so take this with a grain of salt.</p> <p>If that is what you feel like you need, then do it. You're not cutting them off, you're protecting your kids from things that you feel like had a not so good impact on you. You don't even have to say anything about a break if face to face is the only thing you need a break from. If you need more time than what you can write off as "newborn days" then tell them that you just need some time (if they will take that well).</p> <p>I can absolutely commiserate because in my son's newborn days they got to be too much and we had to take some time; before we ultimately went no contact 11 months ago. </p> <p>So many hugs </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849008 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:22:13 +0000 MamaBear87 2849008@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's so hard. I think absolutely it's ok to take a step back and take some time away.<br /> And I wouldn't feel at all bad about calling 911, they are there for situations that are not controllable and that doesn't sound like something you could safely deal with with a newborn in tow.</p> <p>Eta sending so many hugs! I can't imagine having to deal with all that and kids and pp hormones </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/is-it-selfish-to-take-a-time-out-from-my-own-parents#post-2849001 Wed, 03 Oct 2018 15:17:41 +0000 crazydoglady 2849001@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>even if they aren't exactly toxic?</p> <p>It's a long story, but my mom has bipolar disorder and my dad deals with depression and anxiety. They are both medicated (who knows how well,) but they are all over the place. Sometimes things are good, or one parent is good while the other isn't, or they are both "bad." It's exhausting and it's something I want to protect my children from because I had a front row seat as a child. My mom has been dealing with some medical stuff (that I think is mostly her bipolar disorder,) which has resulted in trips to the emergency room and calling the ambulance. I asked her yesterday if she wanted to go shopping with me and 3 week old DD while DS is at preschool. Apparently, she was in the emergency room so I said we would take a rain check but she said she was fine and insisted we go today. </p> <p>Well, on our way out of town she started to feel really dizzy and asked me to take her back to her car and she was getting to the point of hysterical so I ended up calling 911 (I realize it's for emergencies but I wasn't going to take the baby to an emergency room and my dad works 1.5 hour away.) As the firemen and EMTs were working with her, all of these memories came flooding back and the kinds of things I want to protect my kids from. It occurred to me, "what if 3 year old DS had been here?" It's not fair for him to witness his grandmother's manic episode. He would have been so scared (other than the fact that he loves fire trucks.)</p> <p>My parents are not unkind and they love my kids so much (when they aren't so wrapped up in their stuff that they don't see anything else.) They don't do it on purpose, but I want to protect my family so I am thinking an unspoken time out might be in order. I don't want to punish them or anything, but I just can't anymore. My parents mental illnesses were such a huge part of my childhood and I feel like I am "at capacity." I feel like I am robbing them of DD's newborn days if I do a time out. Maybe this is self-preservation...I don't know. </p> <p>I'm sorry this is all over the place, but the ambulance just left with her an hour ago and I don't want to talk to my friends about it. </p> <p>Does anyone else have experience or advice? </p>